If you haven’t noticed I changed the blog name; I’ve been wanting to for about a year now ever since my husband’s sisters stalked my Twitter. I’ve changed the name a few times but I honestly couldn’t think of something to settle into.
I know I wanted to convert this space to the two things that mean the world to me: Disney and words.
I somehow fell back into book blogging and I forgot how much I truly missed it. It always feels like being part of something bigger than yourself. Having all these worlds to fall into and live in for 300 pages at your fingertips. And ironically I’m finding that a subject I’ve always wanted to get into but never did is now something I look for: Historical Fiction. Time travel and paraell universe reads have always been a weakness but I’ve never read an entirely just Historically Fiction book until this year. And I feel like I’ve been missing out!
I know Disneyland still has no plans to re-open any time soon and that my love and my home Disney World IS open. I’m hoping to be able to get there some time this year so I can start posting Disney content; until then I guess it’s just other types of Disney content!
I hope this new name gives me a new start that I’m hoping for and encourages me to stop censoring myself.
Why does it have to be so hard to find a mental health resource?! Since the last update I finally managed to find a psychiatrist (cause those are the ones who give you meds) but not from the list provided to me from my insurance company. I actually had to find one via Psychology Today’s website. Yes, like the magazine. So thank goodness for that but at the same time… what in the actual FUCK?! Why would my insurance company send me on this never ending run around?!
As you can see, the last week on this blog has been pretty quiet. Same with Twitter. I’ve just been struggling with my mental health and with being tired and with awful headaches/migraines. November is always pretty stressful and crammed for me but it’s harder to get these things done with a clingy toddler to watch at the same time. I have due dates for things and I have no idea how I’m going to get them done.
Speaking of; the decrease in my meds has been really messing me up, big time. Since my OBGYN said she couldn’t give me refills anymore for my Zoloft I’ve had to decrease from 150mg to 100mg to prevent going without for as long as I can. But because of this my mental clarity is starting to fog back up, I can’t remember words again, my excitement and inspiration is gone. And I’m just so sad. I feel like I’m on the brink of a sloppy sob fest any fuckin minute now.
I’m honestly so sick of being incapable of doing the things that use to be so simple to me pre-pregnancy.
I had my psych appointment and it went super well. Do I recommend tele-webcam-health? Not really. Connection issues can really mess up the flow of the conversation. I would had much rather had a telephone appt. But I did get the help I needed and I am on the waitlist for an actual therapist as well. So. Progress, yay.
About a year ago my mother in law attacked me on Facebook saying I was a bad mom cause I had dreams and mother’s shouldn’t have dreams; she should either give up her dreams or give up her child. This COMPLETELY came as a surprise to me considering she had been so supportive prior to this. I was dealing with trying to cope with postpartum depression and the loss of my dad. My husband spent years stressing that his family will always accept you but once again my gut was screaming “told you so,” for trusting any of that mess. She went on to attack my 2 close friends who were defending me, respectfully by cussing them out. Yes, this grown ass adult woman was opening saying “fuck you” to 20 year old’s who didn’t even dare to cuss at her back. And tbh, that said a lot about my mother in law’s character. I realized A LOT that day.
My depression spiraled beyond me trying to even both controlling it anymore that day. I was just so tired of fighting it. No one cared anyway. Everyone apparently had something shitty to say about “my behavior”. I’m so lucky that the real support system I have, and have had for the last 20+ years are always there when I need them, no matter how near or far. It was the first time I ever let my PPD get away with thoughts of hurting my child. It was the first time I thought if I got rid of her, everyone could just leave me the hell alone.
And that was unfair to her. My child was there for me when I lost my dad. When I didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day and cry. She would squeeze my hand and make me laugh. I’m just so freakin sick of people who refuse to get to know me and have the audacity to drag who I am. And this is why I didn’t want to get married again. I didn’t want to deal with shitty in laws again. I already went through a whole freakin decade of that shit, I refuse to waste any more time with it.
My spiral got really bad and I felt like the little progress I made to heal was just undone in that one day. So I called an OBGYN and requested to be evaluated for Postpartum Depression.