Girls don’t cry after break ups (or divorces) anymore; they level into grown shit like going back to school, buying houses, starting businesses and getting their rightful push present of their dream car — a 2023 Acura RDX. That I ain’t gotta pay for.
Cute backstory if anyone cares:
Continue reading “Brain Dump | Gas Break Dip”
It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these that I don’t even know what to say.
The last week or two have been a bit of a blur and emotionally draining. I’ve been struggling with my shadows, finding time to actually create content, finding some sort of peace so I can actually think… and my mind still feels like some weird hazy cloud where I’m still trying to figure out what thoughts are mine and not those of others.
I set boundaries this year because I was tired of everyone in my ear trying to tell me what to do, even when it didn’t sit well with my soul. I never get how people can press someone else to make a choice in their life. Like yo, go fix your shit and your life before you try to tell me what to do with mine. Bitch asses. Then they get the audacity to get mad at you for not taking their advice? Ok, controlling much? Back on up. I get I’m the one with a mental illness but some of the people “in my life” act like they’re the troubled ones. Then again without self awareness they might just be.
This week and hell for the rest of the year or my life — I’m going to be extremely selfish with my energy, my time, my boundaries and what I think is best for me. I need to work on stop letting myself feel guilty for resting. I need to remember that if I can’t be at least 80% then I can’t help anyone. My rest and my well being matters too.
What is something you want to work on this week?
May was such a horrible month and I’m still trying to recover from all that happened. I’m doing a lot better but I’m still not feeling like myself, at all just yet. I hate it. I hate postpartum and I hate what happened.
June was a little better, I managed to find favorite things or rather found myself ordering repeat foods. Emotionally though… still not better.
Bubba found these Mahalo Teriyaki 711 Jerky bags and I. AM. HOOKED. Literally, in June I went through like 5 bags of this stuff. Some in sadly one sitting. The downside? These are $10 a bag. But OMFG they’re so good.
In all the years I’ve eaten at Five Guys, I’ve never had their Hot Dogs. If I want a Hot Dog, I’ll take my ass to Costco, ok? Or Ikea. But I was craving and it sounded good so I went for it. Five Guys hot dogs are like… the upscale Costco dog. I got mine with Chili, Cheese and Bacon and I think I’m ruined ya’ll. It’s so good.
I’ve been back on my Salmon Sashimi kick again. I regret nothing. Except for when I forget to add Eel sauce to the order. I recently read a food article about how there’s no actual Eel in Eel sauce… did people think there was? I figured it was just a sauce to compliment the Eel? Idk, I just know that sushi and gyoza dipped in it is next level foodie heaven.
Continue reading “Monthly Favs | June 2023”
It’s definitely been a while since I’ve done one of these; a long while actually.
So much has been happening lately, and I’ve been really overwhelmed with it all. I need a self vacation, wish that was a thing I could actually go do.
Waving Through a Window from Dear Evaen Hansen has been on heavy repeat for me in the last month. I have yet to watch the movie — I’m not a big fan of watching movies though.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting since my incident. Not so much shadow work, just trying to figure things out. Trying to make sense of it all even though I’m sure this is one of those life things with no answers.
This week I want to treat myself with more patience and grace. Speak to myself kinder. And ignore other peoples opinions; I need to do what’s best for me and my healing process.
I miss blogging and creating; I hope giving myself more time to heal will bring me back to the things I miss doing.
How have you been? What is something you’re hoping to achieve this week?
I’m not going to go into the whole backstory of this one, I thought I would but it’s a bit irrelevant and I’m sure no one actually cares. Just know that I was best friends with this guy since we were 14, he stopped me from committing suicide, he was the first guy I ever asked out and he rejected me. We stayed friends after that cause I’m not some butt hurt ass bitch. We had a close friendship through the years and recently he admitted he liked me all these years despite saying no as kids. Excuse me, but that’s a bit hard to believe since you dated and were drawn to all the popular girls (since he was popular) and really didn’t seem to have any romantic interest in me until now? That we’re adults and you can’t seem to get anyone else to date you? Uh, okay, sure. If my gut is telling me that that’s hard to believe, then guess who I’m going to believe.
During my separation from my husband, I started dating this guy and very quickly, I realized a shit ton of things. But we’ll narrow it down to 4 main things.
Sometimes the grass is just… dead. I said what I said. People who flaunt their income like it’s a personality trait are kind of a red flag and though it sounds nice, it usually isn’t. And I learned that no amount of money is worth being treated like trash. I honestly think a part of me was drawn to this because I grew up with my mom throwing money at me over actually showing me love and empathy. I’m use to wanting money over feelings but since becoming a mom, I see how toxic and unhealthy that mindset is.
Money doesn’t make you a better person or a reliable parent. Period.
Just because they protect and care for you as friends, does not mean they’ll always care just as much about you as your partner. Sadly, I hate that I learned this was a thing because it makes me think our whole friendship of 25 years was a lie. Or wasn’t real. And it’s even more disappointing because in my head I thought if I ever ended up with this guy it would be everything I thought it would be; but in reality it was kind of Hell. It was NOTHING like I thought it would be and the way he treated me as his partner was the most fucked up thing… esp after I ended up pregnant, his disrespect was more constant.
Love bombing paired with having a history with someone can really fuck you up. You want to believe that person is capable of giving you what you need emotionally because why wouldn’t they but you realize that not everyone is capable of simple things. Like loyalty or honesty or empathy. And to cover/hide that fact, they love bomb cause that’s probably as much as their emotional gauge can handle at one time.
Love bombing in itself is a toxic trait and it’s hard to see when you’re in it, esp if you’re trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I can’t blame myself for staying as long as I did, despite wanting to leave way before I even got pregnant. Love bombing is def unfair and it’s shitty that someone can do that to someone they claim to “love” and “care about”.
I don’t know why I don’t do this faster since I should be able to be more aware of this feeling… but I just don’t. However, there was a lot that was going on behind my back that I didn’t realize until he stayed with me. And it wasn’t just picking up a phone call from his ex and basically flirting with her for an hour in the other room either. But that def set things off and made me sense other things.
I hope to next time be more aware or have much more solid boundaries. But this was definitely a huge learning lesson and wake up call for me!
A few days ago I woke up with body aches… I thought maybe I was just getting sick. As the day progressed, I kept feeling worse and worse. I could barely eat anything and by the end of the night I threw up. By the time I got Tums to bed, I was pretty dizzy and feeling pretty weird. Thinking I was still just getting sick, I went to bed.
I woke up throwing up… a lot. About 7 times. At that point I realized something wasn’t right and I couldn’t text correctly. I called 911 because I legit felt like I was dying. I was having a hard time breathing, I was sweating like crazy, I felt like I was losing consciousness. I had both the girls with me and my husband was at work. I texted my MIL to come quickly, I think I’m dying. No questions asked, she said she was on her way.
I felt like I was on the phone with 911 for hours but my call log says 24 minutes.
I kept screaming saying “I don’t want to die” and I kept falling over losing consciousness. I then realized what if Tums was dying too? And I went into a whole different type of panic. By the time the medics got here, I wasn’t able to move or walk, I was dizzy. I told Tums she had to open the door and I followed her to the front door where she unlocked and opened it for the medics; she’s 4.
They came in and helped Winnie since she was crying and I got back on the bed. They wrapped me in a blanket and turned on the fan saying my room was really stuffy, but I was freezing. At this point my breathing was a little better, I was able to open my eyes but my vision was blurry and I realized… I couldn’t remember things. I knew my kids were in the room. I knew my MIL was too. But certain questions they asked me, I didn’t know the answers to.
They hooked me up to an IV and got some fluid in me. My MIL got me dressed and they escorted me to the ambulance. There they asked me general questions.. I didn’t know what year it was, what year I was born in, how old I was or who the president was. It was such a weird out of body experience.
I got to the hospital where they put me in a room and hooked me up to more stuff, asked more questions and let me rest a bit while they tried to figure things out. My husband got there shortly after. I told him I was scared, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why can’t I remember things. He went to get some of my stuff and the doctors came in to take blood, samples and run some tests.
The ER staff where I was was amazing. They made me feel comfortable and taken care of.
I finally was able to get an actual room and the staff there were equally as amazing. I love the staff at that hospital. It’s the same hospital I gave birth to Tums in and I had an amazing experience then also.
When I got to my own actual room, besides morning blood tests (which sucked) the only other tests they did were an MRI and a CT scan with that stupid liquid. It felt SO weird. The night nurse who took me though was really sweet and helpful.
The first day I was there they said they saw a high white blood cell count which meant an infection but they didn’t know exactly what kind. So they went with UTI, even though I didn’t have any UTI symptoms. By the last day the doctor came in and told me they found E. Coli in my blood test. I was responding to the antibiotics they were giving me fine so they sent me home with a similar one to take.
I’m 2 days post hospitalization and I’m still on and off dizzy, I have headaches and I feel out of it. The fact it was an E. Coli poisoning is such a scary thought. I couldn’t imagine if this happened to one of my kids. Hopefully I get back to feeling 100% soon. For now, I’m going to lay back down.
Oh, hey blog.
Long time no write.
It’s been crazy over here.
Aria was born 3 weeks early. I had a feeling she would come early… just not that early and surely now how she decided to leave the womb either. It was a smooth delivery, for what it was. Thankfully. Trying to find balance with a newborn and a toddler who is well into her terrible… I don’t even know anymore… is definitely a challenge.
This month I’m going to still try to take it easy and not expect too much of myself — it is my birth month though and Easter! Thankfully this year they’re not on the same day.
I do want to ease into creating again this month and playing some of my gaming backlog.
I’m waiting for my need to create to come back. I feel it inching closer and closer but it’s not 100% here just yet. But when it does come… I def want to be ready! I truly miss blogging and I’m debating on revamping my old blog (that’s on blogger) or just making a new one. There’s something about a fresh new blog/domain that makes me feel like I can turn it into whatever I want.
I’ve been on the hunt for a ton of cozy gamer games and I love that this is now a niche in the gaming community! I mean, I guess we were always here but I’m so glad there’s more other cozy gamers to find on social media and who make content! Makes me feel way less alone. That said, I really want to get back into streaming games, especially since I’m working on my new setup. Slightly regret that everything isn’t white but I’ll make it work somehow.
This goes off that last one kind of. I miss taking product shots and being really happy with them. It’s been such a long while since I’ve actually liked a photo I took. I need to find a better way to display my controllers and where. This new desk I have is an L shaped desk so there’s a lot of space… but making it look put together is another thing. Especially when you have a toddler who wants to take over everything.
I have always had a small product shot corner on my bedroom dresser that is now crowded with drinks I need to throw away, meds from pregnancy and baby stuff. So, I need to do something about that. Also because it’s against the window, I think the lighting has not been the best. In the past it’s always been against the wall to the side of the window. Sigh.
I’ve been slacking — once again — on my reading challenge. Last year was a total fail which is fine; it was a really hard and weird year for me, for sure. I don’t expect myself to had finished 25 books last year, at all. I’m hoping to read 1 or 2 books this month. I cut my reading challenge to 12 books for this year and I’m already 4 months behind lol.
I started reading Gallant by VE Schwab, The Archived by Victoria Schwab and Keeper of Enchanted Rooms by Charlie Holmberg. The first 2 being audiobooks and I still haven’t finished them lol. Oh and I also started listening to Arsenic and Adobo by Mia Manasala cause you know, Filipino reppin over here (plus Asian American month is coming).
My gaming backlog is just as bad my TBR. All over Xbox Game Pass, the Switch, Steam… hell even my tablet cause I just started playing an MMO mobile game I’ve been wanting to play. I need to figure out how to connect a controller to it so I can film gaming content. But this month I want to try one new game from my backlog. And actually play it. I’ve been stuck doing dailies on Disney Dreamlight and Animal Crossing lately. Which I mean.. I don’t even play the games foreal, I literally just do daily shit on them. And it’s not as satisfying as doing dailies on FFXIV, that’s for sure.
Spring is coming, but not fast enough. It’s an nice 90 degree’s here in Texas and I’m a little salty I’m not spending it outside. I can’t wait for Summer to get here! I’m so over these cold waves we’ve been having.
… and the baby is crying. At least I finally finished this post lol.
Oh hey 2023, you’re here.
For the first time I don’t have an actual resolutions list. And I think I’m totally fine with that. If I learned anything in 2022 it’s that sometimes things don’t and won’t go the way you planned; especially if you’re like me and you’re completely driven by emotions. So whatever happens in 2023 just happens. Whatever comes by way, comes. And whatever finds its way out, just does.
I of course do have a #onelittleword for 2023;
I’ve only recently discovered the power in boundaries. I wouldn’t say I was ever a people pleaser but I def didn’t have/struggled with boundaries in fear of upsetting others.
It wasn’t until I had Tums and realized how uncomfortable I was with certain things that I really didn’t like… of course setting boundaries is going to upset people and her dad’s mom was not happy every time I’d voice a boundary. But that made me realize just how important it is TO set boundaries. Without them people will just walk around disrespecting you like it’s fine.
2022 also taught me that boundaries are more important than ever. There are ways to tell if someone is truly in your corner or not and seeing boundaries for myself against those who I realized were not in my corner was definitely a difficult thing to do… but also much needed for my mental health.
Do you do #onelittleword? If you do, I’d love to know what word you picked for 2023!
I gave up on these posts awhile ago because I was getting discouraged about not even feeling like setting goals. But if I want to get back to my old self, I’m going to have to make a change myself. I feel like I spent most of 2022 just worried and upset. I’m not sure how much of the year I can salvage and at least get a few goals checked off. But doesn’t hurt to try!
This should had already been done but it’s not. I did get a tree, I just haven’t cleared space to put it up yet. I plan to before Thanksgiving at least… hopefully it’ll help my mental health.
I’m so sad I spent most of Oct depressed and didn’t even start on any of my October Reading Challenge books. This is my favorite tradition for myself and I get so bummed when I skip a year.
Planning on putting my KitchenAid to use this season. Not sure what I’m going to bake just yet… but I really want to bake something this year.
Disenchanted comes out this month and I still need to watch the live action Aladdin as well as Mulan. I know, I’m super behind.
Family days are a lot more fun now that Tums is a full on child. I mean it’s not fun when she wants half the store but it is fun to have days out with her. We have some family days I’m looking forward to this month that I’m pretty excited about. And some Christmas stuff we have planned for Tums (and let’s be real, me as well).
Because I spent most of this pregnancy depressed, I’m wayyyy behind on the weight gain part of it all. I barely ate in October and as my tummy grows and stretches, it’s starting to become incredibly uncomfortable. I’m trying to do what I can to spend the rest of this pregnancy calm and not stressed out so that the baby won’t be stressed out and the labor will *hopefully* be as easy as it was with Tums. Though I guess that would be asking for a lot at this point.
I really need to find a way to stop feeling horrible about myself and my situation. It’s obviously not the best and it’s not ideal and I sure as hell hate spending the holidays pregnant but it is what it is, the most I can do is learn from it and be more aware of other people and their intentions. No matter who they are or how long I’ve known them.
I don’t know if it’s just because I’m older this time around but my back has been killing me more than usual… but mostly in the mid back and not the lower back that usually bothers me. I’m sure getting a nice prenatal massage would be really relaxing and I love the spa I would go to to get massages. They have this aromatherapy thing going on as well and it was always so relaxing. I really want to get back into doing monthly massages like I use to.
I’m hoping November will be a better month for me than October was.
What are some of your November goals?
This year has been crazy… and not really in the best kind of way.
Lying about things and keeping secrets isn’t something I do, ever. So it was hard for me to function after a while… the things I was holding in just grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t really talk about it and I couldn’t write about it. Then things personally started getting worse and within that time frame I found and figured out my worth. What I would and would not ever stand for and I found that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, knowing them is something completely different. I would say I feel deceived but perhaps I need to re-evaluate my self toxic trait of being driven by emotion and find a way to be driven more by logic instead.
I filed for divorce earlier this year and that resulted in my 3 year old bouncing between houses. Which she seemed to cope with pretty well, though it started to get to the point where she would ask where her dad was or why wasn’t dad here. She asked me to spend Halloween with them which is fair, it’s my favorite holiday and my (ex) husband wouldn’t say no. The thing about him is that everything that had to do with this divorce was for it to work in my favor. I’m extremely lucky for that.
We separated earlier in the year; a few months later I found myself pregnant despite not really wanting any more kids. It was hard to hide my nausea and even harder to lie to my kid every time she asked if I “had a baby in my belly”. Meanwhile I found myself fighting more and more with the dad of his kid and all of it was just starting to weigh down on me. People close to me were telling me not to tell my husband because he would “for sure take full custody of our daughter” and so that fear stopped me from telling him even though I really wanted to.
Continue reading “Brain Dump | Where to even start…”