Word Vomit | That New New

I know there isn’t a Friday Finds post up today and that’s because a lot has been going on all week and I’ve been… in a really angry mood. I could say I’m not sure why but that would be lying and I won’t lie to you or myself. Esp when it comes to my mental health. My therapist started me on a sort of booster anti anxiety med to take along with the Zoloft. It’s like.. it’s suppose to help calm me and help stop the small hallucinations I get. Oh and help me sleep. And it does, but I take it before bed so through the day I’m trying to figure out how to deal with everything.

Makes me miss the days of Xanax.

Tums has been in that stage where she was too much energy and she’s draining me. I know she has BIG emotions for such a little thing and trying to come up with ways to diffuse her melt downs while still trying to keep my shit together? I feel like this is some kind of level up. Is this how my exes feel? JFC. It’s usually easy to manage, it’s just when her dad comes home she starts acting out… and it makes sense why she does.

Gave in and got this for the Switch, I know the new one is coming out soon but I couldn’t remember if I liked Harvest Moon. I haven’t gotten very far just yet but the opening scenes are.. sad. I just needed a new game to farm and craft on. Currently waiting for the Sanrio Amiibo cards for Animal Crossing to come out. I also tore down some of my waterfalls in my entrance way cause I’m gonna make smaller ones. Or more hills. I don’t know. But it wasn’t enough cottagecore vibes for me.

I absolutely love when I find toddler toys for review that Tums actually loves. One I got her in Dec was a truck with shapes your match around it. She likes to build, so she basically just stacked all the blocks but she would spend hours doing this. Another that I just got her about a week ago is this set of 100 blocks (I know, RIP me) that she can build different things with. It’s helped give her something to do in the morning while I make her breakfast and she’s not crying cause I’m “away”. I also got her like a new age Etch a Sketch that’s actually really cool. And she’s been drawing on it. I taught her how to draw hearts. I’m working on butterflies next!

I amazes me how she’s not even 2 and we have our routines. There’s little things she makes sure to do for me, even if I don’t ask. She’ll put the morning juice on the table if I hand it to her. She starts the dish washer after I ask her to shut it. She shuts the laundry room door every single time she see’s it open. She also covers up all the plugs in the office with those plug cover things. I got colorful animals. But she doesn’t put random things in her mouth and she doesn’t play with the actual outlet. She knows it goes there. She also hands me my phone or my Kindle as soon as I get in bed. And she puts her toys away, oh she also picks up after herself! And if she catches me crying she usually punches me in the face. We’re working on that one lmao.

I gave in and upgraded this blog to a business plan; I honestly hate how limited the paid tier is despite how much it costs. And sure, it would be A LOT cheaper if I had just re-created the whole blog on my actual hosting service but I feel like I spent years building THIS blog up and idk, I’m weird about things sometimes. I’m still trying to figure out how set up extra things with the business plans like my usual plug ins and all that other “extra” stuff.

Guess who got to it first 😂😭

I finally got my iPad back yesterday, it had stopped completely charging a month ago and after a week of no results I decided to bring it to Geek Squad to repair while it was still covered. They said it would take 3-5 business days but it took about 2 weeks before I heard anything back. But she’s home now and she’s set up. Kinda. I just gotta organize everything all over again.

I also caved and upgraded my iPhone8 to the iPhone12 (and not the mini for once). I was super against the idea of it because my dad’s last text message to me is on my 8. Thankfully since the phone is paid for I didn’t have to trade it in, so I still have it. But I got the iPhone12 in blue. I hated all the other color options. And I don’t believe in phone cases, and no I never drop/break my iPhone either. OCD is good for something sometimes. I’m in love with it so far! The camera is SO much more than my 8 was! And I actually like the bigger screen. The only downside for me is that it uses the USB-C cable and well, everything I have is the lightning cable.

Tomorrow I start on organizing the closet and the office. Oh and also attempting to make wax melts! I’m pretty excited about that! And Sunday I’ll be sharing a ton of small businesses I bought Disney shifts from for our upcoming trip!

I know word vomit posts aren’t suppose to have pictures but eh, whatever.

I hope you all are having a great Friday and have a fun weekend planned!

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

So it’s March and well… things get sort of irritating around this time of the year. Just personally. With the people around me. And while no one should have to deal with anything that distrupts their peace, well, this is still real life and some people just can’t seem to comprehend boundaries. And I can keep talking about boundaries and how people make me uncomfortable all of March if I want to, but it won’t change the fact that I “pick my fights” as a truama response. And that, deep down is truly unfortunate. It’s unfortunate that those around me don’t respect me enough to respect my boundaries cause tbh, I don’t have many.

Credit: Relationship Rules Pinterest

People don’t seem to understand that this is your life. Not theirs, not anyone else’s. But they seem to think that when you put down boundaries they’re not comfortable with then you’re the bad guy. You’re crazy. You’re overreacting. What they fail to realize is that you shouldn’t/don’t/won’t give a shit. They don’t pay your bills. They don’t feed you or clothe you. If someone ain’t bringing shit to the table but stress and drama? They don’t need to be in your space. They have no right to it.

And ironically, I get shit about this from every person I’ve dated after I got divorced. It’s not my fault you guys prefer to keep toxic energy around you, but I’m not obligated to. I can hire, kick and promote anyone I want in my life. Cause it’s mine. I’m not a maid. I’m not a servant. I’m not a person who’s rights are stripped away. I’m not a house pet. So it would be really nice if some people would realize this.

This week I’ll be better at reminding myself that my boundaries are mine. And if no one stands with me/up for me then that’s fine. It ain’t shit I haven’t dealt with before. That’s for sure. But I need to do what I need to do to protect my peace.

What are some things you hope to manifest this week? Have you ever found yourself in a similar position?

3 Ways To Protect Your Energy

For this weeks Monday Mindful Manifestation I wrote about how people with toxic energy can impact your own energy. Protecting your energy is incredibly important, especially now with how much negativity is floating around. The world is in a weird place and it’s bringing out the worst in some people. Today in Texas isn’t a very good day. We’re still in freezing temps and a lot of us don’t have power or water. I’m doing my best to keep all of the devices charged and put fresh batteries in Tums’ night lights. And of course I have candles to light up the whole dang apt if I needed to. So I’m trying my best to keep things that make me happy close by.

Here’s 3 ways I protect my energy;

| Surround yourself with things that lift your spirits

For me it’s a favorite candle or wax melt lit around me while I read and a cup of iced coffee. It’s music that makes me feel good. It’s sight, sense, smell and hearing of all things that make me happy. It’s walking around Target by myself. It’s taking myself to eat at my favorite place. It’s stepping into a book store. I’m attracted to books, pretty colors and cute pastries. I know that sounds super simple.

But find the “super simple” things that bring you joy and spend time there when you feel like you need to re-balance yourself.

| Do one thing that puts you in a meditative state

I took up adult coloring books a few years ago and didn’t realize it could be used as a form of meditation, but I did have a lot of fun with it and I loved how all my pages ended up. I’m not sure why I stopped.

But I did discover there were adult coloring book apps! And that’s been super fun. I’ve been working on shading and lighting with it. I love that they offer different brush textures without actually physically having them. And watercolor is definitely less messy lol.

Another thing I do is play video games; I loveeee gathering and crafting in any game. I’m so use to knowing where my mats (materials) are on the FFXIV map that I use very little thinking power to get through gathering then back to my house in game and craft. I usually put on music and it’s just a super relaxing process for me. I enjoy it so much and I feel much better after awhile (plus making money on an MMORPG is never a waste of time lol).

Same with Animal Crossing New Horizon; the fact we can now gather and craft is THE BEST THING to me. But also pulling out weeds or fishing. I LOVE fishing on video games as well.

I’ve lost my touch on actually meditating and it’s pretty hard to get back into when you don’t live alone anymore and there’s a toddler running around. So I’ve had to find other ways to meditate that makes it look like mommy’s freakin busy ok?

But this can literally be anything to anyone; cleaning, lifting, running, find the thing that helps you.

| Call up a friend who makes you feel like your soul just hit refresh

My person is my brother ThisWae or Sean, as I know him. There’s just something about being around him and his energy that makes me feel like my energy just hit refresh. And people can say what they want about him/how he appears but this dude seriously has helped me through so much; from encouraging me to learn to meditate, constantly encouraging me to get up and work, for reminding me that he thinks I’m dope af every time I feel like the world doesn’t need me. And he’s suggested books and podcasts and all kinds of things to help me with my mental health. Oh, and he’s always ready to get up in someone’s face the second they say anything bad about me.

I also have my girls, who are always there to make me laugh and let me vent until I’m out of air if I needed to.

But if you don’t have people like that in your life (cause I’ve been there too); if you have a favorite streamer or youtuber whos content puts your in a better mood or a tv show, that also is a helpful boost.

I’ve even gone as far as going through the people I follow on social media and made sure my feed is one that bursts with creativity and positivity. Even making little changes like that make a difference.

| Stick to your boundaries

Bonus, and the most important one.

When it comes to your space and your energy, it’s important to keep your boundaries. I know this can be hard because sometimes eliminating the people who feel toxic and make you feel drained and foggy may be family members. And you may want to stay out of drama; but being around people who feel like they suck the energy out of you isn’t good either. All it does is build irritation and resentment, especially if you’re aware.

Boundaries are especially important now during this pandemic since it’s becoming clear who takes covid seriously and who doesn’t. Who has you and your family’s best interest at heart and who doesn’t. It’s not worth risking the health of you and your family to “keep peace”.

YOU are YOUR first priority; cause at the end of the day, at the end of this life, it’s just going to be you, your thoughts and the choices you made. No one is going to be with you six feet under buried with you.

So make sure that this life, the only life we get, is as clear of negativity as much as possible.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Yes this is my actual handwriting lol

It’s 7* here and MSN weather says it feels like -3* even UberEats isn’t delivering.

I read a post from Alex Tubio on Instagram, and it really made me think about my own life, my own journey and my own need for self reflection. It’s no secret that I’m unhappy here, but there’s really nothing I can do at the moment. Not with Covid, not with what the “new normal” is becoming.

And I’m partly mad at myself for waiting. For not going where my soul tells me I need to go, and now, I feel like I can’t. That the places that make my soul sing and play are so much farther, so much more out of reach. And often wake up feeling so trapped and hopeless and alone.

However I also know that I can make this less depressing than it has to be; shifting your perspective can change a lot, I should know, I’ve had to do it once or twice to save my own sanity. Is it easy? FUCK. HELL. NO. Is it worth it? HELL YES. Especially when you’re out of idea’s.

What most people don’t know though is that your environment plays a HUGE part of your well being and mental health. I’ve been around people so toxic before that I was constantly physically sick. And the moment I got away, I never got sick. It was the weirdest shit I ever had to learn first hand. And ironically it’s the toxic ones who won’t believe that’s true, or who will tell me I’m “wrong” for keeping my circle small and close. Or that I don’t invite who THEY want into MY energy.

Sorry, but my energy is mine, and I will never let someone ever make me feel bad for kicking someone out of my space that I find toxic. And esp since I have a small child to take care of?

We want to raise our children in a childhood they don’t have to recover from.

April Athena

My trauma is mine; it’s something I have to work through. It’s things I can’t blame my mom for anymore, she raised me the best way she thought she could, but she had her own struggles that she kept from us. Things she had to fight alone and I now know what that feels like. I think of that every time I feel myself slip into my mom and get so angry I want to blame Tums. But it’s not her fault. And I need to remember the things my mom endured and sacrificed in order to give me and Tums the life she’s giving us.

So this week I’m going to dive back into Linkin Park, Eminem, the things that made my soul feel heard. I’m going to bug the ever living hell out of my brother Sean because his energy for some reason feels like I’m hitting refresh on my own, and I will forever love him for that. I’m going to make active plans to be healthier, to be better, to be kinder to myself, and work on shifting my perspective.

Ya’ll my head is hurting just thinking of it, cause at least for me, it gets really heavy and hard. I’m so fuckin stubborn and no one knows just HOW MUCH I am except me and my mom. And my dad when he was here. But I want 2021 to be different. I want to be in a different space a year from now.

What’s something you want to work on or manifest this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m sleepy; well not sleepy but kinda drained. Woke up yesterday sneezing like crazy (and for the rest of the day) and feeling sick. I had a huge cry fest the day before so I figured maybe it was just a side effect of that. I took NyQuil last night anyway, just in case. And I feel a lot better today, just… drained.

This weekend has been a bit of an eye opening experience and I had thought to move this blog to a self hosted place but seeing how hard I worked on it so far and how far it’s come, I just couldn’t. I will link this new blog I did set up anyway, but I think it’ll house more of my harder mental health things.

2021 is about courage, right?

So let’s talk Shadow Work.

If you’re unfamiliar with what that is, I included a link where you can read about it. Author gets extra points for going on a mini rant about Darth Vader (Anakin, I still hate you). I haven’t done much talking about Paganism here… or really anywhere. Despite it being almost 20 years since. I guess I’m still… I don’t know. The space I’m in now, I don’t feel like I’m free to 100% be myself. I feel like if I step out of this box that I’m put in of “who I am” (or who they think I am), they accuse me of not being myself. As if someone else can tell you who YOU are. These, btw are the people who need to do shadow work. Or get therapy. Definitely get help.

I love things that make me think about my soul, does that sound weird? Like things that bring triggers to my attention without triggering me. Okay that made less sense. Just, roll with me here. I came across an article this morning that made me think about things. Obviously when someone gives birth, a lot of things in your body changes. However with me it wasn’t JUST my body that changed, it was pretty much my spirit too. I don’t know how to explain it without going into a whole rampage about it.

Point is, this weekend made me think about a few things and a few other things I need to address with myself and find solutions to. Shadow Work is something I’ve always known I’d have to face eventually but just never wanted to willingly go there. If it came up, ok. But to actually willingly dive into things? I’m getting drained just thinking about it.

But the thing about being around people who aren’t like me is the constant reminder that I’m not like them. I don’t go around destroying other people to make myself feel better. And why? Because I’m insane about self reflection. I can tell you every single one of my flaws proudly because they make me who I am. I can tell you my strengths because they too make me who I am. I can tell you why I do/respond the way I do. I’m as transparent as tracing paper and yes, that’s not an easy combo when you’re also sensitive af but I’d honestly rather be sensitive and transparent and get hurt than be a whole soul of bad juju that goes around getting a kick out of hurting other people. Cause that’s not ok. That’s not what family does. At fuckin all.

So in this week, moment, month, year — whatever — of newly found self reflection and shadow work; I need to remember that even though it’ll bring back a lot of dark and bad memories that I will be okay. I have an amazingly strong support system that is always right behind me.

And beyond that, I’m from the hood. I can handle anything.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

This week’s intention;

I don’t feel not enough as much as I use to, I still feel like I don’t do enough but I myself feel enough for me, anyway. I need to remind myself that everything on my to do list doesn’t have to all be crossed off. That’s what tomorrow is for. Or later. As long as I get as much done today, that is enough.

The kiddo’s toys is taking up lots of space, granted this is her room. Well half and half my office but it’s hard to literally split things like this in half. She does try her best to keep her side tidy when I ask her to, and really what more can you ask of a 2 year old lo. But this room does need some organizing, for sure.

I honestly can’t believe how fast January is already, we’re mid month at this point and I’m super excited for the changes ahead!

What’s something you want to manifest this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Welcome to 2021’s first Monday Mindful Manifestation!

I’m actually writing this on Sunday morning and it’s snowing and still really sleepy, but I’ll get to that later this week.

I decided to switch it up a bit. Sometimes I’ll do things I want to manifest for that week and other times I want to try out affirmations. I know they can sort of be the same thing, but just a little more different. More direct, I feel like. It’s only the 11th day of 2021 and although a lot has happened in the world, I feel like I’m failing myself. Weird flex, I know.

This week I want to remind myself that I do have time to do the things I love.

I’m so bad with managing my time and with doing chores before anything and everything else. Which you know, isn’t that bad esp when you have a toddler and a husband. I feel like this place never stays clean somehow. I’m also convinced that straight men don’t care too much about having clean environments. And as someone with OCD, this drives me bat shit crazy.

I’ve been trying to block out time during my day to read and to do other things I want to do; and some days I’m able to and other days I’m not. I really need to be better at that.

So here’s my reminder to myself this week!

How’s your 2021 going so far?

Things I’m Leaving in 2020

Things I’m Leaving in 2020

2020 has showed us a lot of things about ourselves, our surroundings, our company we keep and about society. There are a lot of things I still carry around with me that I shouldn’t. That I don’t need to. Pain is hard to cope with. Loss is even harder. I’m the type to cling on to the darkness because the light just means what goes up must come down. And you can’t go down if you’re already there.

But I also need to remember; I’m not some broken teenager with a notebook full of secrets. I’m not that girl who constantly wished for someone to notice her and love her just as she is. I’m not searching for someone to fill a void in my life anymore.

Cause I love myself more than anyone could ever love me. Except maybe my mom and my daughter and my cat. I learned that I don’t need some dude to make me feel my worth because I know my worth. And at times I tend to forget. 2020 made the heavy things even heavier, and I’m tired of carrying it all around with me.

I’m not one to actually fully heal from anything. I kind of just store it away and pull it out from time to time. So I’m not entirely sure I’m capable of healing. But hey, there’s a first time for everything, right?

I have a tendency to ask my friends whenever it seems like they’re stuck at a fork in the road: if this was your life one year from today, would you be happy?

My bro has a habit of throwing the same question at me sometimes: but what do YOU want?

Continue reading “Things I’m Leaving in 2020”

November 2020 Favs

If there’s anything I look forward to every month it’s finding new favorites. And Amazon’s list for First Reads. It’s been awhile since I wrote a Favs list, and these were one of my favs to write!

November felt like it flew by, but then again most months do despite 2020 feeling like five years long. How that’s possible is beyond me but it’s 2020, things aren’t making sense that much around here.

ON TO THE FAVORITES;

Continue reading “November 2020 Favs”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

I don’t have a quote or anything for this week’s MMM, it’s just something that I was talking about with a friend. But it’s also something that’s been reoccurring here on my blog since I started MMM.

I want to manifest the ability to not be upset about comments about me that I know aren’t true.

I don’t know if it’s just the weather, the season, the depression… but my emotions have been heavy and harder to manage even with medication. I wish there was some magic way to gracefully ignore the things people say to and about you if you KNOW it’s not at all true. But I tend to feel and get in my feelings way too much. So things hurt longer and harder than they probably should.

I know I won’t achieve this in a week or even in a month. I’ve never really been too good at ignoring or letting go of certain things (my mom and bro-ko love to remind me I need to) but it is something I want to learn or control better.

I KNOW who I am, and things like this just make me feel like I don’t. It’s such a conflicting thing, for sure. But hopefully I can make moves, no matter how small, to get closer to this goal.