Brain Dump | Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of those super toxic things that manipulative people do that really really messes with your psych. And it’s also one of those things that when you start to see it happening — it literally pisses you off. Partly because the freakin audacity and also because that no matter what you say or how you try to defend yourself, the person doing the gaslighting believes in their version so much there’s absolutely no way for you to ever find closure from this conversation.

Imagine years of that. Over and over and over. Now throw in having a miscarriage and a child. Followed by postpartum depression. People telling you PPD isn’t real and expressing your fear that someone is going to take your child (the third pregnancy you had and the first child you birth at full term). Having people “assure you” they “would never”.

Having the courage to finally say enough is enough and those same people telling you that your child “isn’t allowed” to move to your home state with you. Why? No fuckin clue tbh since I’m the one who spent the last 3 years watching her and making sure all the clothes that ~magically~ ended up lost were replaced. That she had formula. That she was never without health insurance. And now I’m being told because I want to move back to my home state where my family and friends are — so I can heal — FROM LIVING HERE — that my child can’t come with me.

I can’t describe the anxiety or the anger I have about this. There’s just so much I want to say but knowing that those people know where to find my blog — it’s hard to say anything. Literally. ANYTHING without somehow causing drama. If you don’t like what I’m talking about quit reading my fuckin blog. There’s a whole ass internet out there! Find something else to read! LIKE A BOOK.

I don’t get people. I don’t get how they could think certain things are okay.

And yes I’ve gotten shit about “not fighting hard enough”. But the truth is, have ya’ll ever had an argument with someone who does nothing but gaslight you?! It’s literally the most energy draining shit you could throw yourself into. And yes, so what, you gotta do what you do but the trauma over the years it’s caused has cut deep. And I didn’t realize how deep until recently. I’m constantly between fuck this shit and I don’t want to deal with being emotionally drained. I know in the end it’s Tums who will pay the price. And I wish I could just break out of this funk and just blow up like I normally do about shit like this.

Over the last few months it’s just crazy to see how much I’m seeing and catching up to. And wondering how did I not see this shit before?! Even if you’re super familiar with gaslighting and you know it’s happened to you before; it’s just crazy when you’re back in it with someone else and how long it takes you to see

It just really sucks and I don’t know how to fix what I’m feeling.

Recap 2020; March

This year is just zooming by already; I can’t believe we’re in April.

March  wasn’t a good month, and I’m sure a lot of other people can relate to that statement. Besides the whole Coronavirus thing going on which is freaking everyone out, causing panic purchasing and forcing everyone world wide to stay home — we were hit with the flu a week before it all happened. I don’t usually have more than a 48hr flu, if even that. So the fact I was down and out for a whole week is insane. I haven’t been  that sick since I was a kid. And tbh I barely ever got sick — until I got married and had a kid. Now I feel like I’m  always sick and I fuckin hate it.

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Tums Turns ONE!

Tums Turns ONE!

I know, two blog posts in one day?! Whaaaat?!

But I  had to include a blog post for Tums First Birthday.

It’s hard to believe that yesterday I went in for another sonogram check and at the end of the appt they told me I’d have to be induced, possibly that day. So they sent me home and I had Olive Garden to try to calm my nerves. Got a call mid lunch of them saying they wanted to induce me… IN SIX HOURS. I hadn’t even packed my hospital bag yet cause I was suppose to still have  two weeks! The reason they were inducing me was because Tums was measuring as “small” and she wasn’t growing at the rate she should had been at. They worried she wouldn’t survive if they kept her in there so, induction time!

I frantically had to finish laundry, pack my hospital bag, make sure I didn’t forget anything and try not to throw up from anxiety and fear. Man, it was ROUGH let me tell you. Especially because I heard SO many awful stories about others being induced.

So we went to grab dinner since they said I could eat up until midnight while they prepped my room. So we get settled in and they decide to check where I’m at before anything happens — I somehow jumped from 1 to 3cm dilated in like 2 days. So since I didn’t have to do that cervix balloon thing they sent me home and told me to come back at 6am. I remember telling Bubba I was getting slight cramps, girl those weren’t cramps lmao!

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Recap 2020; Feb

I feel like Feb might had been longer than Jan this year. I have no idea why. But I made a lot of changes and jumped into a lot of things in Feb that I’m pretty surprised at myself of. I’m still trying to remember who I am as a person (damn you postpartum depression) and trying to re-find my footing and balance. Of course with a damn near one year old (WHERE DID THE YEAR GO) it’s a little more challenging than I’d like.

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