Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…

I’m craving a Tootsie Pop… and not even a flavor I typically reach for.

I know I said I wouldn’t do another one of these after the last one, but it seems like life had other plans for my time.

There’s a lot I still can’t say so I don’t know why I’m even writing this since it’s probably going to be pointless and cryptic… I guess to let you guys (who still read this) know I’m still here. Just not… here.

I can’t believe August is already over and Fall is right around the corner. I’m hoping to beat nausea soon so I can enjoy all the Fall snacks. It’s looking like this last part of 2022 isn’t going to fall into the places I had hoped it would… but maybe this is just a sign. I’m taking it as a sign at least and not calling this a loss. It’s just… on back order for lack of better phrase.

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Brain Dump | Goodbye 2021

I had hoped to have all of this week’s blog posts formatted and ready to be posted but that didn’t happen. I love doing recap posts just to see how my year went, so I’ll probably be posting those all through January if I can get them done.

My BFF is super prompt on the whole “sooo, what’s on your resolutions list?” I honestly haven’t really given it much detailed though this time. I was trying to write one up this morning and I just couldn’t really think of anything. Or I just want to see where 2022 takes me. A bunch of stuff on my 2021 resolutions list didn’t happen… but far better things did happen. And while I can set my intentions for 2022, I really want to see what happens if I don’t bind myself to resolutions. I am still doing #OneLittleWord and I think I settled on a word already.

Okay just kidding, I wrote a list just to have something to send to my BFF lmao. I want to focus on doing more shadow work. On healing cause I’m not that boring as I think I am without my sarcasm and dark jokes either. And because Tums deserves the best version of me, always. I want to work on not holding on to things or people that don’t deserve a space in my life, energy or mind space. I definitely want to make big money moves for my shop… I don’t know what that means exactly but we’re gonna figure it out!

I’m realizing my friends think the world of me and my ability. I’m realizing that they believe in me more than I could ever imagine. They’ve been sos supportive since I opened my shop and it just gives me warm fuzzy feelings… and makes me want to go home even more. I want to see myself how they see me. I want to believe in me like they believe in me — and I use to — I don’t know why I stopped. I don’t know why outsiders opinions leave you heavy when you know they don’t know you. That’s also something I really want to change. I know me. My circle knows me. My daughter knows me. And that should be enough.

2021, you were a relief after the shit I had to deal with in 2020. I found my footing again. I started to move back into who I know I am. I made changes. I made things happen. I chased ridiculous dreams and it came out amazing. I grew closer to people that bring so much value to my life. I fell into something I didn’t know I wanted until it happened; and it’s been such a refreshing and amazing feeling. It’s not easy and it’s not going to be easy, but it is worth it. I got to go home, twice. And that alone made 2021 the best.

I ended up getting COVID, and my friends sent me get well gifts for no reason. And I can’t even put into words how that made me feel. I’m so lucky. I lost my best fur baby, and I miss her every single day. But I’m thankful she’s no longer in pain, she’s no longer silently suffering. I did what I said I would do — give you a life full of love for as long as you had left. And you weren’t just loved by me, but literally every other person who had the pleasure of meeting you. You were loved by people states away who loved seeing photos of you. You were loved by so many people and I’m so happy I got to give you that. I will forever miss your thump tail hugs. I will forever miss you.

My daughter grew into more of a person. She’s only 2 this year but her growth has been so amazing to watch. Seeing how fast she can learn and learning things that she loves has been such a joy to watch. She started talking in complete sentences and now has the ability to actually have conversations with us. She is SO polite. She says “bless you”. She says “thank you” for everything. She says “oh haha, sowwie!” when I tell her she dropped something. She also cleans up after herself. She’s such a mama’s girl, for sure and she loves to just hang out with me or has to constantly have to be touching me somehow. I love that I’m her comfort, but I’m also SO overwhelmed about it as well. I guess there’s no way around either end of the spectrum.

I made new friends through blogging and social media and I am so thankful for them. There are some crazy amazing, inspiring and creative people out there. And staying around those who have the same goals as you is such an inspiring thing.

Seasonal depression might had hit me hard this year, but I also experienced so much love and happiness despite it. And I owe this year to the people who stood by my side through everything. Who constantly gas me up and who will stay up listening to me vent for as long as I need to.

So to my circle; thank you a million fuckin times. You guys have my heart.

To the people I managed to make new connections with through the blog and social media; I am so proud of all the accomplishments I got to witness you achieve. I’m glad you’re in my life.

To my BFF’s; I don’t even know how to begin thanking you. But even through disagreements and low key fall outs, it’s the way we fell back together that really matters. Knowing that even if you were upset with me and taking your space, didn’t mean you stopped thinking of me or caring about me and that means SO much. I know I’m not anywhere close to perfect. I know I made some DUMB ASS choices and I’m glad that you guys are there to call me out on it. D A I L Y.

If 2021 is any indication of what lies ahead for me, I’m so ready to meet 2022.

Recap 2020; March

This year is just zooming by already; I can’t believe we’re in April.

March  wasn’t a good month, and I’m sure a lot of other people can relate to that statement. Besides the whole Coronavirus thing going on which is freaking everyone out, causing panic purchasing and forcing everyone world wide to stay home — we were hit with the flu a week before it all happened. I don’t usually have more than a 48hr flu, if even that. So the fact I was down and out for a whole week is insane. I haven’t been  that sick since I was a kid. And tbh I barely ever got sick — until I got married and had a kid. Now I feel like I’m  always sick and I fuckin hate it.

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Tums Turns ONE!

Tums Turns ONE!

I know, two blog posts in one day?! Whaaaat?!

But I  had to include a blog post for Tums First Birthday.

It’s hard to believe that yesterday I went in for another sonogram check and at the end of the appt they told me I’d have to be induced, possibly that day. So they sent me home and I had Olive Garden to try to calm my nerves. Got a call mid lunch of them saying they wanted to induce me… IN SIX HOURS. I hadn’t even packed my hospital bag yet cause I was suppose to still have  two weeks! The reason they were inducing me was because Tums was measuring as “small” and she wasn’t growing at the rate she should had been at. They worried she wouldn’t survive if they kept her in there so, induction time!

I frantically had to finish laundry, pack my hospital bag, make sure I didn’t forget anything and try not to throw up from anxiety and fear. Man, it was ROUGH let me tell you. Especially because I heard SO many awful stories about others being induced.

So we went to grab dinner since they said I could eat up until midnight while they prepped my room. So we get settled in and they decide to check where I’m at before anything happens — I somehow jumped from 1 to 3cm dilated in like 2 days. So since I didn’t have to do that cervix balloon thing they sent me home and told me to come back at 6am. I remember telling Bubba I was getting slight cramps, girl those weren’t cramps lmao!

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Recap 2020; Feb

I feel like Feb might had been longer than Jan this year. I have no idea why. But I made a lot of changes and jumped into a lot of things in Feb that I’m pretty surprised at myself of. I’m still trying to remember who I am as a person (damn you postpartum depression) and trying to re-find my footing and balance. Of course with a damn near one year old (WHERE DID THE YEAR GO) it’s a little more challenging than I’d like.

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