Brain Dump | Goodbye 2021

I had hoped to have all of this week’s blog posts formatted and ready to be posted but that didn’t happen. I love doing recap posts just to see how my year went, so I’ll probably be posting those all through January if I can get them done.

My BFF is super prompt on the whole “sooo, what’s on your resolutions list?” I honestly haven’t really given it much detailed though this time. I was trying to write one up this morning and I just couldn’t really think of anything. Or I just want to see where 2022 takes me. A bunch of stuff on my 2021 resolutions list didn’t happen… but far better things did happen. And while I can set my intentions for 2022, I really want to see what happens if I don’t bind myself to resolutions. I am still doing #OneLittleWord and I think I settled on a word already.

Okay just kidding, I wrote a list just to have something to send to my BFF lmao. I want to focus on doing more shadow work. On healing cause I’m not that boring as I think I am without my sarcasm and dark jokes either. And because Tums deserves the best version of me, always. I want to work on not holding on to things or people that don’t deserve a space in my life, energy or mind space. I definitely want to make big money moves for my shop… I don’t know what that means exactly but we’re gonna figure it out!

I’m realizing my friends think the world of me and my ability. I’m realizing that they believe in me more than I could ever imagine. They’ve been sos supportive since I opened my shop and it just gives me warm fuzzy feelings… and makes me want to go home even more. I want to see myself how they see me. I want to believe in me like they believe in me — and I use to — I don’t know why I stopped. I don’t know why outsiders opinions leave you heavy when you know they don’t know you. That’s also something I really want to change. I know me. My circle knows me. My daughter knows me. And that should be enough.

2021, you were a relief after the shit I had to deal with in 2020. I found my footing again. I started to move back into who I know I am. I made changes. I made things happen. I chased ridiculous dreams and it came out amazing. I grew closer to people that bring so much value to my life. I fell into something I didn’t know I wanted until it happened; and it’s been such a refreshing and amazing feeling. It’s not easy and it’s not going to be easy, but it is worth it. I got to go home, twice. And that alone made 2021 the best.

I ended up getting COVID, and my friends sent me get well gifts for no reason. And I can’t even put into words how that made me feel. I’m so lucky. I lost my best fur baby, and I miss her every single day. But I’m thankful she’s no longer in pain, she’s no longer silently suffering. I did what I said I would do — give you a life full of love for as long as you had left. And you weren’t just loved by me, but literally every other person who had the pleasure of meeting you. You were loved by people states away who loved seeing photos of you. You were loved by so many people and I’m so happy I got to give you that. I will forever miss your thump tail hugs. I will forever miss you.

My daughter grew into more of a person. She’s only 2 this year but her growth has been so amazing to watch. Seeing how fast she can learn and learning things that she loves has been such a joy to watch. She started talking in complete sentences and now has the ability to actually have conversations with us. She is SO polite. She says “bless you”. She says “thank you” for everything. She says “oh haha, sowwie!” when I tell her she dropped something. She also cleans up after herself. She’s such a mama’s girl, for sure and she loves to just hang out with me or has to constantly have to be touching me somehow. I love that I’m her comfort, but I’m also SO overwhelmed about it as well. I guess there’s no way around either end of the spectrum.

I made new friends through blogging and social media and I am so thankful for them. There are some crazy amazing, inspiring and creative people out there. And staying around those who have the same goals as you is such an inspiring thing.

Seasonal depression might had hit me hard this year, but I also experienced so much love and happiness despite it. And I owe this year to the people who stood by my side through everything. Who constantly gas me up and who will stay up listening to me vent for as long as I need to.

So to my circle; thank you a million fuckin times. You guys have my heart.

To the people I managed to make new connections with through the blog and social media; I am so proud of all the accomplishments I got to witness you achieve. I’m glad you’re in my life.

To my BFF’s; I don’t even know how to begin thanking you. But even through disagreements and low key fall outs, it’s the way we fell back together that really matters. Knowing that even if you were upset with me and taking your space, didn’t mean you stopped thinking of me or caring about me and that means SO much. I know I’m not anywhere close to perfect. I know I made some DUMB ASS choices and I’m glad that you guys are there to call me out on it. D A I L Y.

If 2021 is any indication of what lies ahead for me, I’m so ready to meet 2022.

Word Vomit | This week… has been rough

On Mother’s Day the hubs went to the ER and got tested for COVID which came back positive. They gave him some medicine and an inhaler. He also picked up some Vit C which I’ve been popping like a mf because 1) they’re yummy and 2) everyone and their mama has been telling me to pretty much OD on Vit C. Thankfully I had minor symptoms, and most of them became the worst at night. Bubba however probably had the worst of it. Between coughing, struggling to breathe and a fever. He literally spent about 2 weeks doing nothing but laying around watching KDrama and coughing his soul out bit by bit. I only had a low grade fever, body aches and a migraine for a day then for 3 days after I had this weird ass dizziness that felt like my soul was trying to ditch my body. And now on day 6 I’ve lost some of my sense of taste but other than that I feel 90% better. Granted I didn’t feel horrible by any means. I’m still pissed at the people who claim surviving COVID is 98% chance. Because sure, some people survive but at what cost. I can see how this virus can fuck with your organs and your lungs. I would much rather have a few days of side effects from a vaccine than weeks of not knowing how you’re gonna feel from one hour to the next.

Def could had went the rest of my life not catching COVID. Bubba said he might had got it from a co-worker so there was sort of no way around that.

This passed week Sophie had been acting weirder than usual. She was constantly crying day and night and she wouldn’t eat her medicated food. Her eyesight was in and out and it was just horrible to witness. She had a mass in one of her eyes growing last Oct, we were told that they weren’t going to remove it because of her age and her kidney failure, it might had done more damage than good. On Friday she was struggling to breathe and just laid there. It was pretty obvious she wasn’t going to make it much longer. I tried my best to stay with her as long as I could before I had to go to bed since I was still feeling sick — the whole fuckin thing just sucked.

By the time Bubba woke up the next morning she was gone. As long we knew this day would come, nothing really prepares you for death of any kind. I feel so numb. Sophie was a birthday gift from my mom the year of my divorce. She was 10. She had been at the adoption center for 3 years waiting for a home. Despite knowing she was an older cat I told myself I wanted to give her a life of love for however longer she had left. It’s been 6 years.

And in that 6 years we had an adventure of happiness, trauma and sadness. Through it all, she would sit with me when I did dishes, when I felt sick, when I was angry. She was the sweetest cat. She never once bit anyone. It didn’t matter how you pestered her, she would never ever bite anyone (except me but she’d lick where she bit after she did). She was patient with Tums and would follow her around. I don’t know if Tums notices she’s gone yet — but it does feel a little bit more empty and quiet without Sophie.

I can feel my mind blocking off certain thoughts; the reality of what losing Sophie means.

I’m suppose to be catching up on things today and for the first time in a long time I just… don’t feel like blogging. I know I’m suppose to give myself time to grieve. But I don’t even know if I want to let myself.

Happy 6th Adoptaversary Sophie!

The story of how I met Sophie is sort of my favorite one to tell; mostly because I have no idea how or why it happened. I had always heard that pets choose their owners but I never really believed in that until now. I had spent years just browsing the cats for adoption at PetSmart I figured this was any other day like that.

It was a Tampa day when I lived in Florida and one of my main stops was PetSmart since it was right next to Whole Foods. I was talking to my friend Adonis and walked over to the adoption center. I saw Sophie, through the window and immediately felt drawn to her. She wasn’t doing anything special, she was just there. She wasn’t super active and she wasn’t a kitten as her info card said she was 10. But she was tiny. Too small to believe that she was 10. I don’t exactly remember what her info card had said (and I wish I did). I went to find an associate because I wanted to meet Sophie.

She was really skittish. And yes, small. The associate told me that a woman runs the adoption agency they work with and that Sophie was found. She also told me Sophie had been at that PetSmart for 3 years. It was harder to get her adopted since she wasn’t young.

I should probably explain where I was in this point of my life: a year earlier I had a mental breakdown to the point where I almost called 5150 on myself and it triggered hallucinations. It wasn’t anything big or serious at the time — I just kept seeing a cat follow me around my apartment or stare at me. And I didn’t have a cat. I was frequently home alone. Because of the mental breakdown I was also going through a separation/divorce though my ex at the time didn’t want to acknowledge it… or the divorce papers he hid somewhere in his closet. This wasn’t some short marriage either; we had been together since we were 17. He was the bestest friend I had even known and he was literally my partner in crime. Until one day he just wasn’t anymore. Until one day he said my anxiety and OCD make him feel trapped and he turned to other girls to help him feel normal. Our relationship was broken and there wasn’t a way to fix it, we both knew that. We had been together for 12 years and literally grew up together. Learned how to be adults together.

One month after I adopted Sophie, we filed for divorce.

Continue reading “Happy 6th Adoptaversary Sophie!”

My Dear Sophie;

I guess I can use blogtober as an excuse to write more about my every day life like I want to… but never do cause well, my every day life isn’t all that interesting.

I’ve had my cat Sophie for 5 years. She was a 30th birthday/divorce gift from my mom. I stumbled on her randomly when I was roaming around PetSmart and I refused to leave the store without her. My mom and ex husband tried to talk me out of it because she was 10 years old. And they kept suggesting I get a kitten. But when people say pets choose their owners I absolutely believed it in that moment. I have no idea why I loved Sophie at first sight, but I did. I learned she had been in that adoption center for 3 years, the lady who ran the independent adoption company was so excited to hear that someone wanted to take Sophie in.

I drove from Orlando to Tampa every Wednesday for 3 weeks to visit her until I was able to save up enough money to take her home. Btw, I’m allergic to cats. And there are times when touching Sophie makes my hands swell, but she’s worth it.

Over the last 5 years we’ve moved 9 times. Between 4 cities and 2 states.

Continue reading “My Dear Sophie;”

Easter 2018

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Last year I told Bubba that Easter was one of my favorite hoildays; my mom always made sure we had Easter baskets and as I got older she started adding Tulips to my Easter basket gifts. But when I moved away to work for Disney, she wasn’t there to set up an Easter basket for me (though some years she would ship me one) and so I started making Easter baskets for myself.

(Fun Fact: Despite I was married before for pretty much 11 years, my ex husband never ONCE made me an Easter basket. Then again it took divorce papers to actually buy me a birthday gift for the first time ever so who knows.)

Last year Bubba made me an Easter basket claiming I can’t make them for myself so he put together a basket and brought it with him to Disney World since we were spending my birthday there and he was flying out on Easter.

To this day, I have no idea how he fit that giant basket into his duffel bag.

Continue reading “Easter 2018”