Hello September

It’s iced coffee, cold brew, leggings all day, oversized sweaters and beanie weather.

If you know… you didn’t live in TX or FL.

Is that going to stop me? Hewl nah it’s not. I wait all year for this time of the year!

I’ve been SUPER inconsistent with my blogging and managing my business this year. I’m trying to give myself some grace considering all the other things that happened this year… and it’s a lot. I wish I could write about it cause I could really use some shadow work on some of this shit. But that’s going to have to go somewhere a little more private. I feel like I went from finding a solid potential balance late last year to completely destroying that myself this year. I am thankful however — very thankful — that my soon to be ex husband is understanding in the fact that I really want my time to myself. I never have to explain why I do, he doesn’t question it, he just knows I need it from time to time. So I’m endlessly thankful that he’s trying to make this divorce work in my favor. Possibly more in mine than in his. He’s not a bad person, deep down, we just weren’t right for each other. And that too is okay. Tums is loved by so many people and she has more than one place to call home. That’s all that matters.

We’re in the last quarter of 2022. That’s insane to think about. But it also makes me think what do I want to accomplish in these last few months of 2022.

I don’t really know lolol. I mean I have some goals but like I don’t have some solid plan. I figure I winged this year, I’ll just wing the rest of it. Sometimes the best things happen when you don’t plan them.

Continue reading “Hello September”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck lately. Like in some weird whack ass limbo space and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. It feels like I’m fighting against a current to just do anything remotely productive.

Maybe I’m just supposed to chill. Maybe I’m just supposed to rest. Plan my next move.

But I’m the type to never rest.

I hate taking naps. I hate wasting a whole day doing nothing. I hate waking up late.

I always feel like I should be doing and achieving more. I feel like there’s so much to learn and see to sleep.

Thinking of this weird space as a setback is also messing with my mental health. I’m spending way too much time worried about why and how did I get here. And not enough time focusing on what to do now. Life is going to keep moving forward, with or without you. Life, time, the universe… it doesn’t wait for anyone.

This week I want to focus on taking better care of myself. Eating better. Sleeping better. Planning out my day better. Once I figure that part out, I can figure out the rest. But for now; the first two really need to be a priority.

What’s something you want to focus on this week?

Brain Dump | This Shi Again

I have a forever pimple on my scalp and it’s really making the left side of my head hurt? I don’t know how to explain it. But I should probably stop fuckin with it. A friend told me recently I need to stop cussing so much in my posts cause it makes it lose its integrity. Fuck that. Freedom of speech mf. Keep scrolling if you’re bothered.

My daily routine of Cherry Cokes have no been replaced with mf Red Bull. So over the last 2 weeks I’ve been at an 8 and my poor cousin has had to suffer while my mind is running a mile a second. But I’ve never felt this awake in years so I’m going to bask in the fact that I’m not some weird underlying type of tired. Why did I stay away from these again?

I’m in a weird limbo state in my life — I want to talk about it but I kind of can’t. But then I don’t think I ever want to talk about it either? It’s such a weird thing. It tests my ability to be transparent and I hate that.\

Me: Ahhh! There’s a CRICKET in the grass!
Thiswae: DO YOU SEE THE RED FLAG ITS HOLDING UP MF?!

Gotta love when my brother refuses to let me escape a subject. Mf. There’s a fine line between coming at someone from a place of empathy and love and just being a straight up controlling bitch. It’s a very fine line. But let’s talk about control. Like what’s up with that? LET PEOPLE BE THEM. At the end of the day, they’ll do whatever tf they want. AS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO. Why come into someone’s life just to tell them what to do? Just to mold them into who you want? Go get you a block of clay with that shit.

Jealousy is toxic
Insecurities are toxic

Fite me.

And if you cared about someone you would address this shit and not just go behind their back and not say shit. By all means, do whatever strokes your ego, but don’t be upset when it results in trust being broken. That’s on you. Handle that insecurity or whatever it is before coming to someone. I swear, the older people get, the DUMBER they are. I need to surround myself with people who are TRULY committed to self-improvement, productivity and mf shadow work. I have trauma only works for so long. GET. IT. TOGETHER. Or go find people who are on the same spiritual level as you. Cause the rest of us do not have the patience to do your healing for you.

I think for the rest of May I’m going to work on Marie Condo-ing my entire life. I’ll keep you all updated on how that goes.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, huh?

Have I mentioned I love reading/watching/immersing myself in things that make me question my mortality? I realized this last weekend that I need to really figure out how to change my perspective when it comes to loss and death. As someone who jokes about suicide as much as I do, you’d think I had a pretty solid grasp on the concept of death, but I really don’t. Life is much easier lived when you don’t feel like you have anything to lose, that’s for sure. Part of the reason why I never wanted kids, I never wanted to be responsible for their loss of a parent if some day I wasn’t able to fight my demons.

Although, now that I’m in my mid 30’s, me and my demons have a bit of an understanding. At least way more of an understanding than we’ve ever had before. But it took a lot of soul searching, shadow work and expressing myself to get here. It also took a lot of loss. Because with every hard moment, with every loss, with every life changing experience you gain something. And if you don’t, you’re a robot. Seriously.

My cousin brought something to my attention a few hours ago — that if I want something, I do everything to make it happen. The trick is wanting it. And it reminded me that that’s a thing I’ve always had in my hand.

The universe will always give you what you ask for.

Manifestation is a real thing. And looking back at my life, I can’t deny that. At all. Because even the smallest things can be manifested. Not missing your flight. Sometimes running into someone you want to run into. Just things like that have always happened for me, if I wanted it.

There is so much more I want to say on a more personal level but I can’t seem to get myself to write it. No matter how much I try. I hate that. I hate that I let other people who may be lurking impact what I say here. I’m really hoping that with the next step of my life I’ll be able to let go of that fear and just be free to say what I want here and on social media. It’s been a very paralyzing few years. I almost have to force myself to write and remind myself of why I’m here. And it’s not for them.

Just know I’m good.

I’m so good. I’m such a sucker for new beginnings. And this time is no exception. I’ve learned what I will and what I sure as hell won’t stand ever again. I know what my worth is. I know how valuable my time and energy is. I was reminded that bad energy will make you sick. That if I can cut off family members, I can cut off anyone.

Reminding yourself of your worth is always a hard thing to maintain. I never understand why. Why is it so hard to remember what we are worth? But so easy to remember lies people tell us about ourselves? No one knows you better than YOU know YOU. People can say what they want, none of it could be true but you’d believe every word. This is the kind of thing that confuses the universe.

This week I want to be more mindful of how I consider my worth. I want to be better at reminding myself OF my worth and that no matter what happens, the universe has my back. Always has.

What’s something you want to manifest this week?

Brain Dump | Separation & Divorce

I don’t even know how to begin this honestly.

I haven’t been as active as I’d like to be because it seems 2022 is just a year of realization and the last few months have been just super emotionally draining. I found the courage to do what I needed to do years ago but of course, people hate when you find courage to do something that doesn’t fit their narrative.

I make it no secret that I’m a traveler, a content creator, I chase dreams and magic and I don’t let anyone stand in my way. This is my life to live and no one can tell me how to live it. My happiness and my mental health have taken the backseat long enough. I fuckin hate being lied to, manipulated and most of all fuckin gaslit. I hate Texas and being a mother has been a bigger struggle than I ever thought it would be. I’m not the type to be satisfied with marriage, a family and a house. That’s never been my vision for myself. I don’t need someone else to complete me. Like my cousin likes to tell people: she can do bad all by herself.

It’s disappointing to find out someone who claims to care about you doesn’t have actions that line up with their words. And it’s even more draining when they refuse to hear you because you’re not saying what they want to hear. Since kicking Tums dad out I’ve been able to think so much more clearly without fear and without dread. And for the record, just because someone doesn’t hit you isn’t grounds to assume that their energy doesn’t make you uncomfortable. That’s not something that should even be a punchline.

So women should have no reason to feel uncomfortable around guys who harass them? Cause that makes zero fuckin sense. Yes I’m uncomfortable. Yes I have some sort of sex PTSD where I think if I wake up a guy — any guy straight or gay — from a nap I think they’ll ask me for sex. Or if a guy is nice to me even if they’ve known me their whole life, I’m suppose to owe them sex. And I honestly didn’t realize I had this weird ass trauma until I went to see my friends back home — most of which are all guys. And that thought crossing my mind around dudes I know would NEVER EVER HURT OR DISRESPECT ME was such a huge problem. There were things I said that they would say “you don’t sound like Hazel, at all, what’s going on?” and there’s so much of me that was locked in fear that I was severely unaware of.

My cousin and my BFF have been such helpful people the last few months. They call and check on me constantly to make sure I’m ok. That I’m good. That if I need anything at all to never hesitate to ask. My BFF was dope enough to help me pay my rent this month since Tums dad didn’t have rent and really had no plans on finding rent which would equal to me being evicted and a negative score on my credit report. And this is why I don’t like living with anyone. I’m so tired of housing dudes who can’t be responsible for finances or how to maintain a credit score. Or hell even to just be mindful of someone else’s credit score.

There’s so much I want to say and I’m not sure how to say it without naming names; this is difficult. I can’t even brain dump shit that’s weighing on my mental health because people stalk my shit and my blogs and I honestly can’t wait to be out of here and far from these people and this place. I can’t heal in the same place that broke me. That’s exactly why I left California.

So for the lack of activity here and on my social media — this is what’s been going on. Dealing with a gaslighting soon to be ex husband, trying to figure out what to do about my apartment and living situation and trying to figure out how to deal with custody. I’m pretty drained at the end of the day. But at least I’ve been getting sleep, if anything.

Hello April~

Welcome to my birthday month and Aries season!

Aries season doesn’t seem to be the best season for my fellow Aries this year. I’ll try again in the Fall when everything dies I mean, preps for rebirth. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

Both my BFF and I have gotten into streaming this passed week and we’re trying to find ways to set up our Twitch channels. If you’re into Call of Duty and GTA go give him a follow even though he only streams SUPER late at night. I moderate it if I’m up. If you’re into cozy gaming and just chillen out give me a follow. I don’t have a set schedule just yet. So far I just stream FFXIV as I get use to it and the new changes they’ve made to the hot bars. So if you wanna watch me run around like an idiot for a bit, feel free to!

The depression from March prevented me from planning anything for my birthday this year so… that sucks. Maybe I should just stick to planning my birthday in Dec/Jan when I’m not hit with trauma and depression. I’m really hoping next year I’ll be in a much better head space when Tums birthday comes up. I’m hoping distance and being surrounded by my actual support system with help me heal.

| Figure out what to do with moving

The whole rent situation for April took a turn so having to figure out how to get the other half of rent was pretty stressful. I’m thankful for the friends I have who are always willing to help me.

| Set up the streaming

I pulled my ACNH Switch back out again and I need to reinstall my capture card. So far I’ve only been streaming FFXIV but I really want to stream Switch and PC games too.

| Get back to a healthy lifestyle [ better eating choices, meditation, yoga, working out ]

I really want to achieve this this year. It’s so hard to start though. But once you do, and you get a routine going, it’s effortless. It’s just getting there. I mostly want to stop pulling my lower back and work on my mental health starting with fitness.

| Find something fun or chill to do for my birthday day

I really have no plans for my birthday this year. The whole depression of March took over my mind space. I did try to book a trip to Disney but it’s all booked up since my birthday falls on Easter week (at least it’s not ON Easter this year) and honestly it was too expensive to even fly anywhere from TX. A friend of mine from home is coming out here though so I may hang out with them. I miss my friends and I wish I could had at least just flown out to NorCal.

| Schedule a trip to Disney World before Flower & Garden ends

This kinda falls in the same as the last — Flower & Garden ends in July so I’m really hoping to make it there before then! F&G is one of my favorite events at Disney World, period!

| Revamp this blog

I want to do some blog post updates, SEO updates, change the subjects/topics and sort of just find a stable niche for this blog. I feel like I’m all over the place sometimes.

| Revamp + add new products to the shop

I def need a new logo and banner design and I need to design more clothing. I also need to start doing monthly themes or something… just something new to add to the whole feed if anything. My shop can’t grow if I don’t give it something to grow into.

| Don’t be afraid to ask friends for help when the hard days come

I hate when people hear or see me cry. It’s the trauma from exes tbh. I tend to forget that my friends don’t think I’m weak for crying and they wouldn’t gaslight me or make me feel bad for crying on the phone especially if it’s about something that really bothers me. I know my friends love me but sometimes it’s still hard to turn to someone when the days feel dark and heavy. I’m trying to be better about that!

I decided against doing a March recap; there wasn’t much of anything other than depression spells in March. So there’s no reason to go and rehash on that. I’m really hoping April will be much kinder.

What are some of your goals for this month?

Cozy Gaming: 5 Games I’m Excited to Try

I’m so glad cozy gaming is a term these days because that’s what I’ve always been drawn to. The perfect games to just wind down with in bed after work. Animal Crossing: Wild World was that for me in 2006 and I even made a blog to keep track of everything I caught and did. I wish I could remember what that blog was called now.

But that’s what got me into cozy gaming! Before then I was a puzzle, MMORPG, fighting games kind of gamer. I’ve always loved Nintendo but it wasn’t until I got the Nintendo DS that I started playing calming games and I noticed they had a way of relaxing me to the point where I could drift to sleep. Zenses was one of these games and I miss that game so much! Donkey Kong vs Mario: March Of The Mini’s was also a game I loved!

The Nintendo Switch and ironically mobile gaming are now filled with soothing relaxing cozy games and it truly makes me wish I had the free time I use to have to jump into these new games I want to try!

So here are 5 that are at the top of my to try list;

| Cozy Grove

I actually saw a friend of mine on my Switch playing this game and thought it sounded cute so I went to check it out. It’s been sitting on my Switch for awhile but I finally gave it a try when Stardew was pissing me off and I was hooked. It’s such a cute game with such a dark story. Literally everything I loved bundled into one. The graphics are so cute and the quests they take you on are interesting enough to keep you engaged. You pretty much have to help these souls remember who they are by doing quests.

Honestly, it’s the skulls on the stakes and the temperamental bonfire for me.

| Stardew Valley

I honestly don’t know how you guys think this game is cozy or relaxing. The only thing relaxed in this game is my lazy ass cat who just plops down randomly. I thought she died at first. This game stresses me out lolol. I don’t know how to make a good amount of money and I don’t know how to explore without passing out. Like why is the map so big if you’re just gonna pass out?! I have so many questions.

My BFF however has a sick ass farm. He downloaded it on Xbox for funsies and hated it. Then the next thing I know he’s fighting slimes and has a whole ass like… farm. It was so organized! I’m like how? when? I’m super jel. But I still can’t figure out how to play this game lol.

| Kingdom Hearts

I already know this game is going to piss me off. But to be fair, I haven’t played this since like… 2004 in its entirety. So here we are, hella years later, about to give this another go/refresher. Only now my ex husband isn’t here to beat Ursula or Sephiroth when I rage quit. To be fair, at the time I hadn’t played FFXI yet so I’d like to think playing FF MMO’s has taught me to rage quit less and enjoy the game more. I love that this version includes both 1.5 and 2.5!

The interweaving storylines of the Kingdom Hearts series is tew much sometimes so I’m excited to start over and relive the magic! And of course, run into my favorite video game character ever: Axel.

| Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town

I’ve always tried to get into Harvest Moon but I think because my first farming sim Nintendo game was Animal Crossing, I didn’t give it a fair chance because it wasn’t like AC. I saw they redid the series into Story of Seasons and the promo was so cute. I didn’t get the whole box edition but I did get the game. I haven’t tried it yet but I’m excited to see what this is like.

… as I search up the hashtag on Instagram. Anyone else do this? It’s so satisfying.

| Greak: Memories of Azur

This is a random cute game I came across on the Nintendo shop. You play as 3 siblings. It’s a side scroller and the art looks so cute! I don’t know much else about it besides that.

I’m such a sucker for spending a ton of time just scrolling through the Nintendo shop or the Apple Arcade menus. I also love watching cozy gamer TikTok! If I could only get my streaming stuff to work. I just wiped my desktop so I’m going to try again to get it to work. I love finding chill downtime cozy games to play. If it’s a side scroller, even better!

What are some of your favorite cozy games?

Hello March

I can’t believe how fast 2022 is moving. Then again I’ve been traveling (and it feels so good to be able to again) so that might also be why it feels like it’s going super fast for me.

Feb was full of trying places I had on my foodie wish list for way too long. Road trips with my BFF’s and being spoiled by my BFF’s and my cousin (for once lol). I was reminded of how loved I am back home and I wonder why I even left… I mean I don’t wonder but I do wonder why I stayed away for so long.

Never let a relationship get in the way of your life and who you are.

I have no idea how March would be able to top Feb, honestly. But here are a few things I hope to achieve;

| Take Tums to Disneyland for her birthday
As much as I would love to go to Disney World, there really isn’t much there for toddlers like there is at Disneyland. She hasn’t been to Disneyland yet and she’s been to WDW twice already lol. I can’t believe I’ll have a 3 year old soon. She’s already like a whole ass human being. I just assume the smarter she gets, the more she will talk back. She’s already started lol.

| Hit Vegas with my cousin
This is the year of doing things I miss and getting back to my roots. It’s been a decade since I’ve been back to Vegas and I miss it so much. I’m hoping to squeeze in a weekend trip to Vegas this month with my cousin or my BFF Dru; even if he’s next level on some shit lol.

| Read 2 books
I just picked up 2 new audiobooks while I was on my trip; they’re both autobiographies. One is by Leslie Odom Jr and his time doing Aaron Burr in Hamilton. I have no excuse to be so far behind on my TBR for this year but here I am. So hopefully I can at least read 2 books this month.

| Take 30 mins every day to do Yoga or some kind of ab work out
I need to be better at my health. And I really need to start being better. It’s hard to set aside time to just do certain things. Obviously working out and reading seems to be it for me this year. But I really want to work on getting my abs back and I really want to get back into eating right again. Even just setting aside 30 mins every day can make a difference.

| Start a skincare routine
My BFF and cousin are begging me to do this. It makes me feel old lol. I admit though, my skin could use some help. So at the advice of my cousin, I picked up a few things that were a lot more than I expected. Shit better do something.

| Work on shop things
My shop needs a huge refresh. I really want to put up more apparel and new sticker designs. I also want to be more active on social media and marketing. I always say I’ll work on some stuff while I’m in Cali but I get so caught up with hanging out with my friends that it doesn’t happen lol. I’m not sure when I’m jetting off next this month so I might as well work on my shop until I figure that out!

| Jump start on Spring cleaning
Spring cleaning has always been the bane of my existence. My mom made it look so effortless. But as I’m low key kind of on the quest to live a more minimalistic life, I figure this is going to be an even bigger task. Let’s hope I start this in the Spring and finish it in the Spring as well lol.

What are some things you’re hoping to start, finish or attempt this month?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

You are free to be you.

100% without apology you. And I know I stress this a lot on my blog — but the people who make you feel like you’re hard to love are not your people.

Emotions always tend to never fail to amaze me. The way they work. The way we respond to things or don’t respond to other things. Noticing which one of our toxic traits or boundaries we refuse to compromise. And seeing how those around us respond to that as well.

I’m thankful for putting myself into a different situation/outcome. The thing about life is paying attention to the moments that force you to grow. Which I’m learning most adults seem to avoid, even at the expense of their own happiness. I can’t relate. That could never be me; gotta thank trauma for something I guess.

This week I’ll remind myself that I am free to be me; whoever I decide to be that day. And I no longer have to feel bad about it.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I know ya’ll, I’m really slacking on the blogging thing. I know it’s been almost a month since the holidays but I’m still feeling a little spacey. Anyone else? I guess I just haven’t been filling my days enough and I haven’t really started working on my goals… I also haven’t put that post up. Well damn.

I am a bit distracted this week because I’m going to be going home for a few days while my mom is recovering and after I come back from that I’ll be moving into a new apartment. So there’s a lot of packing going on this week! I’m really hoping I can manage to get it all done. Or close to done.

I really want to be better with blogging again, even if it’s just 3 posts a week. I don’t know why this is so difficult to achieve lately. I really need to get back on my self care game. I haven’t even Saged in I don’t know how long! Which reminds me, I need to get Sage for the new apartment. I’m sure there’s no bad vibes in there but still, it’s just a thing, I guess.

I know this saying is pretty basic; but it’s something that I feel applies to this week. I haven’t been home in ten years. That means I haven’t seen some of my friends in 12-15 years. I am SO excited to be able to see them. I know a lot has changed since the last time I was in Cali and I’m both excited and nervous to see what those changes are.

I’m not sure what chances I’ll stumble on while I’m home. But I’m hoping something for my business will present itself. Speaking of, I really want to expand my shop and my range of products but I’m not exactly sure with what. And I’m finding that while Print On Demand CAN be “easier”, you lose a lot of the control as far as shipping and you’re limited in design. The upside however is not having to store all the products yourself and also not having to deal with shipping. I have a weird love/hate relationship with shipping.

I’m already tired just thinking about this week. Hope you all have a good one!

What is something you want to manifest this week?