Brain Dump | Back in Texas…

I got to spend a week back home in Cali and I honestly forgot just how much I loved NorCal. I left 10 years ago saying I’d never come back… I was also a really angry and angsty young adult at the time. I was determined to get my dream job (which I did) and make a life for myself (which I did). I’ve always loved being independent but I was also low key obsessed with it to prove to other people I was capable of everything they kept telling me I wasn’t capable of.

But in reality; NorCal is a beautiful place to visit. There’s literally so much to do and see. You’d rarely ever get bored. Between Silicone Valley, San Francisco and Napa Valley, there’s a lot to do. I forgot how loved I am there. How much my childhood friends love me. How much they only want what’s best for me and want to see me truly happy. Ten years can change a lot of things but one thing that hasn’t changed is the epic convos, adventures and love that they have for me and that I have for them. I’m so glad I got to see my friends while I was there. I’m glad I got to spend a week hanging out with one of my best friends; we have a pretty dope story of how we ended up friends and there’s a lot of irony in it now that we’re adults. But he’s always been the sweetest guy I know, since we were kids. And he’s still just as sweet. And yay for a foodie adventure friend!

I loved seeing my friends with Tums and seeing that they love her just as much as they love me. I loved that she had people to play with and other kids to play with — she got along SO WELL with my friends kids! All of them!

California air just hits different, for sure.

And now I’m back in Texas… where it’s effing snowing right now and something ridiculous like 19 degree’s or something. My eczema is already acting up. Did move into the new apartment and while it’s bigger than the last one it’s also much more expensive and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I mean I love this complex but at the same time… I really want to move back to Cali to be closer to my friends and family. Especially seeing just how much older my mom is now… it’s really kicking up my anxiety big time. And having someone tell you you’re stuck in Texas and can’t move back to Cali or be with your family is just a new level of audacity. At the end of the day, this is still my life and it’s my choice to do what I want when I want. That shouldn’t be anyone else’s choice but my own. And it’s definitely hard to protect your peace when you’re arounds someone who seems to challenge that every chance they get.

Hoping for some clarity in Feb and some solutions.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

My doctor put me on a second anti anxiety/sleeping aid and it works a little like Xanax but not as strong. It’s been making me chill tf out the last few days, that’s for sure. The adjustment isn’t horrible like it was with Zoloft but it’s still a bit of a struggle. Having to just deal and still be the best mom is hard some mornings. I had the first Sunday in months where I felt find enough to send Tums and B to his mom’s house like I use to so I could get some sleep and catch up on some work. I’ve been a lot more hungry lately which is a good thing, it’s been awhile since I’ve actually felt hungry.

Self Care is super important, but in the world like this where our new reality is constantly changing, it’s hard to keep up with even sleep let alone self care! But if you’re anything like me, you know the feeling of burn out by putting yourself last. The only quiet time during the day I get is when I’m cleaning the rooms and taking a shower. I don’t even take bubble baths anymore, and they’re my favorite! I should start again but I always feel like I don’t have time anymore.

Things I want to start this week as self care;

➔ Play more relaxing music

I just rediscovered some songs on an old Spotify playlist I made years ago. I forgot how much I loved some of these songs. They definitely take me back to the days I worked at Disney and my busy life back then, which you all know I miss. But listening to relaxing music really has a way of changing your whole vibe.

➔ Cleaning my space

This means going through and getting rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. I managed to do this a bit in the living room the other day and it felt so good! Now imagine if I did that for a whole room. A whole apartment?! Okay, I’m going to slow it down a bit. Baby steps. But truly, clean your space, clean your mind. At least, I’m really hoping how this is going to work.

This also includes replacing light bulbs. Had to throw that self reminder out there for myself. Cause honestly, I know how stubborn I can get. I irritate myself all the time with it. Like yo, these bulbs need to be changed!

I also want to go back to melting a wax melt before bed/at bed time. I associate a lot of feelings and memories with song and scent. I also got an aromatherapy set for review and I’m wondering if I want it in the bedroom or in the office.

Which I told myself when I moved here that I would have a section in the office of all things zen. A space that can provide me with some calm and clarity. So, I really need to work on bringing that out.

➔ Truly let go of those in my life who also don’t spark joy

I recently discovered someone who was important to me blocked me and that’s fine, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I can’t tell someone how to feel and vice versa. But it did remind me that I was holding on to a memory, an idea, a someone that I use to know and I think one of the most painful things we will experience in life over and over again is that sometimes the people who are the most close to us can grow into someone we don’t know. That realization feels a lot like abandonment and manipulation; but people are allowed to grow into whoever tf they want, when they want.

In addition to that: when people show you what they think of you, believe them the first time. If it doesn’t align with your values, your vibe, then cut them off too. Those truly close to you won’t badger and tell you what to do with your life or time. People these days lack the ability to just fuckin listen. They also lack empathy and compassion. That’s their problem, not yours.

➔ Take time to show up

I have a ton of friends who will jump up to remind me I’m dope af. I’m funny. I’m pretty. I’m cute. That I’m strong and I take chances and no shit from others (typically). But I have a hard time telling myself these things and believing it. We are our insecurities. As I age and since I was pregnant I’ve grown to hate my face and my skin more and more. I don’t know how to put on foundation that makes me look airbrushed, no matter how hard I try.

I use to be obsessed with this thing I’d do from time to time I’d call Project Pretty and yes, most of the time it did build my confidence doing these challenges. But no matter how many times I tell myself NOW that I’ll do this, I can’t seem to find the time. I barely have time to sleep properly. But I really want to make more of an effort to show up everyday this week. That means if I decide to just do my hair — that’s fine. If I decided to do my makeup just because — that’s fine. I use to have a makeup routine that took me 4 mins to do before work every day. I need to find another quick easy look like I did then.

The goal is to boost my self confidence. And I hate that I’m placing so much of that on physical appearance but hey, we’re transparent here right?

What are some things you’d want to start doing as an act of self care this week?