September somehow felt like the shortest month ever. I don’t know why or how but I barely remember September. Literally, it almost feels like it never even happened.
Seasonal depression decided to kick in hard and early, so that might also be why. So much harder that I haven’t been in the Fall mood, and it’s usually the only time of the year I actually look forward to. But this year I don’t seem to have any desire to decorate, or even LOOK at Fall snacks. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me but this is unusual, for sure.
I started reading Lakesedge by Lyndall Clipstone and The Kingdom by Jess Rothenberg, I didn’t finish a book. I barely read. I’m really hoping Oct will be better.
Tums has been watching Bluey non stop. It’s not such a horrible show. It’s actually kind of funny. I’m confused at how their parents play games with them 24/7.
I finally gave in and watched Hamilton, I regret not watching it sooner. It was completely moving. It reminded me why I loved History as a kid. It reminded why I love theater. There’s so much to say about it. I’ve been listening to the soundtrack nonstop.
Is it just me or does it feel like March just passed right on by? I remember planning my Middle Grade March TBR and suddenly I have 1 1/2 days until March is over?! How the hell?! I made zero progress with the TBR btw. I mean, I have 2 hours left on the book I’m currently listening to but I have no idea when I’ll be able to go finish it. So. Yeah, the reading was kind of non existent this month.
And it was taken over by… depression! Me and depression have a long and twisted relationship. Before anxiety decided to crash the party, I had figured out a way to take my depression and turn it into art. Writing, singing, graphic design, and even poetry. But since anxiety, that doesn’t happen too often anymore. Now most of the time when depression steps in, I pretty much don’t do anything. And I really hate that type. Where anxiety is crippling and manipulating my thoughts and even sense of sight, here comes useless ass depression. Like bro, at least inspire me to make something? Seeing skips of content just pisses me off when you decide to up and leave for the weekend or some shit. Mothafucker.
At the end of Feb somehow my stuff started to break: first my keyboard (which was my fault, I’ll admit) then my laptop (which was Tums’ fault but honestly, it was bound to happen and of course I tried to avoid it from happening but if you have/had toddlers.. you’d know they just auto break everything they touch. I remember when I was toddler and me and my brother did a LOT OF HIDING my moms shit when we’d do something we KNEW we weren’t suppose to be doing in the house; 99% of the time it involved playing catch). And my iPad randomly decided to stop charging.
My kuya was nice enough to get me a new keyboard (a cool aesthetically pleasing clicky one btw) as an early bday gift and tbh, I’m SO obsessed with it. Like, I just want to type FOREVER. It’s so satisfying! Also, we’ve been friends for 21 years and this is the first time he’s gotten me a gift lmao, just saying. But seriously, this keyboard is the thing of good feelings lol.
My mom replaced my laptop as an early bday gift. It’s cool cause the finger pad doubles as a num pad. It gets confusing when you accidently turn it on (yes you can turn it off and on) but it’s a really cool concept. This one STAYS OUT OF TUMS REACH at all times. Idc if she cries. Throws her shit all off the bed. Whatever. She’s not touching this one lol.
I finally gave in and took my iPad to Geek Squad where they told me that Apple doesn’t usually “repair” your stuff, they just send you a new one. And they don’t really care to even tell you what was wrong with your broken device either. So, yay for getting a replacement but booo for not knowing what was wrong. While I waited for that to come in (they told me 3-5 days but it ended up taking like 3 weeks) I ended up getting the Samsung Galaxy Tab S6 Lite. There are pros and cons to this tablet, imo. But I’m a hardcore Apple fan when it comes to devices and a Windows fan when it comes to computers. The one thing I will say is that the pen for the SGT is a lot lighter than the Apple pen and it kind of throws me off?
I also finally upgraded my iPhone to the iPhone 12, from the iPhone 8. I was super hesitant since the last text message and phone call log from my dad was on my 8. But the dude said I didn’t have to trade in my phone since it was paid off, so whew. I opted OUT of the mini this time for my phone. I didn’t get the one I dub spider eyes, I just got the 12 in the normal size. And the best thing about new iPhones? THAT NEW BATTERY LIFE. So nice. I can actually not keep it on the charger all night! I can play games! I can FaceTime and not deplete my battery! So fun! So amazing! Man I hate this new tech shit.
I can’t think if I’ve done a monthly recap post here… I know I try to do them regularly on my review blog. But I feel like Feb was significant. At least in the aspect of growth and the universe slapping me upside my head pretty much all month.
My bro said something super interesting the other day;
You need to learn something; until you learn or come to terms with whatever it is, God is going to keep sending you back to figure it out. You ain’t done it in your past lifetime, so now you here in this one doing the same ass shit.
When I say I love blogging, I mean it’s all I’ve ever thought about since I started in 1999. I’m always looking forward to writing my blog posts or about my day. Writing has been my therapy forever and people have tried to take it away from me. But honestly, there’s just something about blogging for me that goes beyond passion. I don’t know why or how. Or what I’m suppose to do with it. But I literally think about blogging ALL THE TIME. So I’m considering what he’s saying and trying to figure out what it is I’m suppose to be doing.
Let’s get on to the recap before I go into the in my feels stuff.
EOS Creme Brulee lip balm
Self Care YouTube videos
I discovered cozy gaming both on YouTube and on TikTok. I also discovered cozy living. I won’t go as far as say Hygge because it’s a bit different than that. I’ve come across a ton of awesome self improvement channels that I can not wait to binge watch! I’ve missed watching normal vlogs on YouTube and I’m so glad I found these! I also decided to take my gaming name a little more seriously; so, introducing my gaming TikTok as well as my gaming blog that has nothing on it right now but will!
I also discovered, I don’t like snow as much as I thought I would! We had crazy snow here in TX and the state wasn’t prepared for it since it’s never happened before. Which is weird, what is Texas prepared for? We were lucky enough in our area that our power and water didn’t go out. But just in case I made sure all of me and Tum’s devices were charged and that every battery bank of mine I could find was fully charged as well. I also made sure to keep candles either lit or nearby. I had never experienced snow before and while it was cool to see snow falling and see inches of snow outside as well as on my balcony; I had absolutely no snow gear so I couldn’t go play!
How cute is her channel theme? I love that her channel focuses on home and gardening! I find the older I get the more I wish I was better at gardening (my mom is crazy talented with keeping every single one of her plants alive), but I can’t even keep a freakin Cactus alive. I don’t know. Is there hope for me?!
I’d really like to start living a more mindful and fulfilling life. I feel like since moving to Texas I lost the freedom feeling of being inspired and my soul being where it belongs. And it sucks. It’s a weight I wake up with every single day. And I don’t know how to ease it or make it stop. So I’m trying to shift my perspective as much as I can before I lose my shit.
Watching videos like the ones Muchelle posts really helps me to remember the art of slow living (which has never been a thing for me). That taking care of ME is more important than anything else besides you know, paying bills and making sure my girls are fed. I’m working on it ok?
I love Aileen’s videos because as an Asian American it’s so easy to relate to. It provides some insight and that someone understands the struggles we go through with our parents and our upbringing — but also to say it out loud. I’ve always wanted to start a Filipino American blog, if anything to just get the trauma of it all out and hopefully find closure at the same time. Watching her videos have been truly therapeutic.
Of course this all started years ago when I stumbled on Kalyn’s channel and when she created her brand/podcast Koze. The idea of slow living was beyond what I could understand at the time, but I loved watching her simple videos of doing things the cozy way.
Feb Reading Wrap Up;
Sadly I only read one book in Feb, but at least it was a book I really really liked, right?
I read and finished the second book in this series; the audiobooks are fantastic. I’m on Bridge of Souls now and I’m enjoying it just as much as I did the last 2. However Bridge of Souls is actually creepy. Like the concept is. But it takes place in New Orleans, I guess it has to be much more creepy than the rest. I’m scared to find out if this series is a trilogy, I’m not ready for it to end!
Tunnel of Bones is probably my favorite of the 3, and not because she was in Paris. Or because a ton of yum French foods were featured. Or because I’m obsessed with France. The story of the demon boy was so interesting. I get it was suppose to be creepy and I guess it could be but I could not stop listening. I didn’t dare to Google it and find out if it’s a true story or not. But I have been wanting to with a few of these!
Yes it’s a middle grade series, but it’s one of those MG reads that I would SO prefer over every genre. The friendship between Cass and Jacob is so wholesome. I ship their friendship; I won’t mess it up by saying I ship them. You don’t need to date your best friend, sometimes just being bff’s is enough.
February had a lot of ups and downs; things I’m still trying to deal with and make sense of, even if they’re tucked in the back of my mind. For now. But I’m confident I can figure this out, that I can make sense of these things.
So here’s to March; a month of starting the healing process. It’s gonna get wild ya’ll.
What day is it? Cause I swear all week I’ve been behind 2 days at a time. How that’s possible? I have no freakin idea but as the parent of a toddler? Yeah, it definitely happens.
I was struggling with my mental health and with expressing myself. I just love how the closer we get to Christmas the more anxiety, dread and just I really don’t wanna be here/do this right now feeling comes back. I had the weirdest dream last night that my husband had some “small work party” yet it was like people were all over our 3 story mansion. I couldn’t even sneak away before someone else notices. I was going somewhere with this but I literally just dozed off writing that last sentence.
Hai guys, it’s now 1pm and I’m awake. I don’t remember writing any of that shit last night. But here we are lol.
I can’t believe Christmas is in a few days. I always feel like Christmas comes too fast. I still want to bask in the peppermint everything and the lights!
I tried to do OOTD photos for hazearella + having photos to post reviews about a clothing haul I did. That’s a Peppermint Marshmallow shake from Shake Shack. It was ok. This hoodie is from Shein and it’s cozy af. I love it. I just wish it had pockets. T is wearing a bunny raincoat I got her last Spring for Easter, it’s still super big on her. Thank goodness.
I’m still working on a title for this, suffer with me.
Also I never know what word is and isn’t capitalized in titles sometimes, so yes, also suffer that with me lol.
This week has been draining; I don’t know how SAHM’s do it. For years. Cause I’m ready to go back to work — happily!! I love my kid and the only reason why I’m so hesitant to go back to work is because I don’t have anyone here that I trust to watch her if I do work. My brother has been asking me what do I want in life lately and I wish it was that easy to say this or that and do it like I use to. I hate the idea of marriage because I don’t feel free. I don’t feel like I can be myself whole and unapologetic. And I hate it.
This week has also been a trip. A reality slap into well, reality. Things I can’t really talk about cause I feel like nowhere is even safe anymore. But it absolutely shook my foundation and I wasn’t expecting that to happen, at all. But it also went without explanation and a lot of reflecting. But hey, that’s life, right?
I’ve also been enjoying these homemade Peppermint Mocha’s, still have yet to get my red cup from Starbucks for this year. But at the same time… I’m not at all in the holiday spirit. I was, but now I’m not and it sucks. You’d think that having a kid and 3 tree’s in the house would idk, make it feel less empty I guess? But I’m right back to where I started. Granted I shouldn’t let other people change my mood or my intention for the holiday and yet I always do. Next year will be happier, I hope.
I’ve been missing my friends so fiercely lately. It makes my heart hurt even more when they say they miss me. I’m counting down the days until I see them all again and get my millions of hugs I requested from them. I did end up swapping gifts with a few of them — who have all said they weren’t going to open their’s until I got mine/on Christmas.
Found my favorite Sour Cherry candy from 8th grade!! I use to smack on these so hard and it would piss my cousin off lol. This is one of those childhood Dollar Tree finds. It’s been years since I saw these!
I got my clothing haul from Shein, and I’m trying to figure out how to do a haul video? Post? Idk. Clothing and me are so weird. Tums is wearing her Easter raincoat I got her from last Spring, it surprisingly still fits her. She also got to take her rainboots out of the house for the first time! Really wish I could find those baby shoes that light up that aren’t rainboots. Toddlers are impossible to take photos of. Goodness.
Speaking of; she got 3 new plushies yesterday at Game Stop. She also has been stacking things like crazy all over the apartment. I randomly find things stacked on things so nice and neatly. And she stole my eggroll while I was on the phone with my friend. Which is weird cause the box was right in front of me and I was looking in that direction the whole time?? Toddlers are sneaky.
My friend and I have always came up with like… secret club names. I don’t know why. We’ve always been this way. We started with MOD (which we should had taken more seriously), then with oG_3 and now like 18 years later (shit we’re old) we have MAS. It’s just what we do. But it’s nice having bits of the week feel like we’re just two teenagers on the phone feeling like high school all over again — until one of our children cries. Then that whole thing is just SHATTERED lol.
And some smaller things to note this week; I got my clammie of Department Store Santa from Honey Soda Co which I LOVE. I really need to post my hauls/reviews of her stuff cause they’re some of my favs from this year. But this scent literally makes my room smell like Starbucks in December. No joke. Not even “slightly” like SPOT FREAKN ON. It’s amazing.
I spotted some super fancy chocolate bars at Central Market. These always interest me but they’re also so expensive. I think this bar was like $9. That’s a dang investment lol. Some day I’ll do a taste test video. Maybe whenever JR gets to Texas! That’ll be fun!
I also finally, after like 4 months, got sushi. And you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find Udon around here?! Like we have Ramen places for days but Udon? Not so much.
I’m in a such a depressed mood today, ah. I’m really hoping I can cheer up before bed and do something productive that my future self can thank me for lol.
I want SOBADLY to bring this feature back to at least one of my blogs but it’s so time consuming and my Sunday’s (when I’d usually write them) is so packed with cleaning and prepping for the week. Today however, I’m going to attempt to do this even if it has to be the short version.
I managed to wrap, pack and ship 3 out of 5 holiday packages, before Dec 10th. THANK GOODNESS. My bank account may hate me, but whatever. I’d totally rather get it done early than scramble around like I usually do. There were so many new things at Bath & Body Works and I write all that kind of stuff on hazearella but I did grab hand soaps and body washes, my stores were completely sold out of candles for candle day/weekend which is nuts. I ended up exchanging my candles for store credit instead which is fine, do I really need more candles?!
This week has been a blur, but I feel like I spent a good amount of time just relaxing. I’ve been stressed out of my mind but you know, what can you really do?
Ironically one of my grocery stores has Peonies?! So of course I grabbed one. I also saw that Trader Joe’s has Calla’s but I forgot to grab one. Maybe next weekend. Tums found a new favorite show that has to do with a monkey get his ass whooped by other animals. It’s pretty funny but I don’t see how this is a show for kids. Tums seems to like it and I don’t know if I should be impressed or worried lol.
I also attempted to take more “Christmasy” pics of her for the Christmas card but I’m honestly at a loss at what I want the card to be. I wish we could do a family holiday photoshoot but Bubba doesn’t really like being in pictures. I will never understand what is it with guys and NOT wanting to be in photos, esp with their kids. It’s getting a little harder to take photos with Tums since all she wants to do is play, maybe this is why when people do family photos with a toddler it usually looks candid.
Our Hello Fresh* (here’s a code for $70 off) meal we made this week was Stuffed Bell Peppers and I really liked it. I ate everything, including the Bell Pepper which I usually don’t gravitate towards. Bubba also made me a homemade Peppermint Mocha with crushed up Candy Canes. He really went above and beyond with this one lol. It was so good. Like ridic how good it was, I had it two nights in a row! He also made Tums her own “Hot Chocolate” since she wanted my whipped cream lol.
Hit up my friend JR who I misssss! I love the friends that you can go months or YEARS not speaking to and falling back into conversation with them is just as easy as it’s always been. These are my types of people. Even if they all got jokes about me lol, can’t blame them, they’re 100% right lol. JR and I use to work at Six Flags together in Cash Control, so us and a bunch of other people spent 12-18 hours a day in a small room together counting money. Weird things happen when everyone is tired and hungry and just want to go home. But these people became friends and family to me and I’m so so glad I still talk to some of them even if it’s years apart. It reminded me of how much I miss being home in Cali and how much I miss being near friends and family. I miss knowing there were people there I could hang out with or just grab lunch with if I was in a bad mood. People who know how to read me and know how to handle my moods without judgement.
I never really feel lonely, ever. I’ve always been one to stay to myself and even though I have a lot of friends, I’m also good just being alone. But the longer I’m in Texas with absolutely no one who knows me that I’m able to hang around is really really starting to irritate my soul. I feel so isolated here. And my friends really do try super hard to make sure I don’t feel alone even if they’re in CA or FL but I also miss the vibes of those states. Texas feels like an angry mom who you have to walk around eggshells on and shit talks your every attempt to be creative. This is my least favorite state to live in. I don’t even feel like I can be 100% myself here without feeling like someone will have something to say.
Probably the root core of most of my anxiety and depression lately. Covid doesn’t fuckin help, at all.
Taking photos of a toddler is SO hard these days, like child just STOP moving for like 5 seconds. Tums got her rainboots I got her, they light up. She LOVES them. She’s been wearing them around the house like crazy every day since she got them.
Bubba got his advent calendar but he’s been giving them to Tums. Sigh. She’s ready to be potty trained as well and ironically I got a training potty for review. That I just had to stop mid blog post to put together since it came in. Looking at it now, it’s a kind of weird concept. So instead of changing diapers… I have to change this bowl thing?!
Yah this will be fun for my OCD, I can see it now.