This year has been crazy… and not really in the best kind of way.
Lying about things and keeping secrets isn’t something I do, ever. So it was hard for me to function after a while… the things I was holding in just grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t really talk about it and I couldn’t write about it. Then things personally started getting worse and within that time frame I found and figured out my worth. What I would and would not ever stand for and I found that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, knowing them is something completely different. I would say I feel deceived but perhaps I need to re-evaluate my self toxic trait of being driven by emotion and find a way to be driven more by logic instead.
I filed for divorce earlier this year and that resulted in my 3 year old bouncing between houses. Which she seemed to cope with pretty well, though it started to get to the point where she would ask where her dad was or why wasn’t dad here. She asked me to spend Halloween with them which is fair, it’s my favorite holiday and my (ex) husband wouldn’t say no. The thing about him is that everything that had to do with this divorce was for it to work in my favor. I’m extremely lucky for that.
We separated earlier in the year; a few months later I found myself pregnant despite not really wanting any more kids. It was hard to hide my nausea and even harder to lie to my kid every time she asked if I “had a baby in my belly”. Meanwhile I found myself fighting more and more with the dad of his kid and all of it was just starting to weigh down on me. People close to me were telling me not to tell my husband because he would “for sure take full custody of our daughter” and so that fear stopped me from telling him even though I really wanted to.
Five years ago today was THE MOST traumatic experience of my entire life. I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy. From the moment my ex saw the positive symbols on the test he was hell bent on terminating the pregnancy. Didn’t ask me how I felt, or what I wanted. Within those 3 weeks was a lot of emotional and mental abuse. Every time I tried to protest that I didn’t want to terminate it and that I had been tracking its growth, that it would be wrong to do that, he would start fights with me. He would belittle me and be cruel. Once he slammed me on the floor.
And before you can say “you had choices. You could had gotten out”. I don’t think most people realize how scary it is to be somewhere where the person you’re with has built this facade and that no one would believe you. That you were too far from anyone you knew to come save you. Or that you were too scared to let people know what was happening. I was throwing up a minimum of 3 times every single day, I couldn’t keep food down, how could I have had energy to beat this dude with a pipe?
The day of wasn’t any better. It was Father’s Day in 2016, he left me home alone to deal with it by myself while he went to celebrate with his grandparents. He didn’t pay the phone bill that week so my phone was shut off. Thank goodness I had Google Voice, it was the only way my parents could message me. They couldn’t even call to check on me. This was before I realized you could text AND call on Facebook Messenger but ever since I found that out I’ve been using it over SMS even if now my mom handles my phone plan to ensure that never happens again.
I fell into something dark. I didn’t know what Postpartum Depression was back then, but I’m sure I was there. I used FFXIV as an escape from reality for months. I just didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. And I definitely didn’t want to be touched or around my ex anymore.
I’m sad for myself that my first pregnancy experience was so shitty. And my second and third ones weren’t all that great either. Every pregnancy brought a whole new set of trauma with it. I’ll always wonder who this baby would had been. They would had been 5 this year.
And yes, I did leave my ex as quickly as I could after this happened. He didn’t understand why I was being distant (as if he was really that dumb) and I made the move to move back to Orlando where I knew he wouldn’t actually move there with me. I lived my best life the year after this happened, I did a lot of soul searching and self repair. But this is something I’ll never forget.
That means less than 2 months left until we meet our little one and as of today we’re less than 2 weeks away from our wedding day!
Kinda realized we’re a little unprepared for both this morning but eh, (morning) sickness and all the aches and pains have gotten in my way and clouded my brain. It happens.
I didn’t want to be one of those people who didn’t get anything done just because they’re pregnant but it happened. And now with Braxton Hicks taking over almost every night after dinner and it’s been a paaaaaain. They’re definitely giving me contraction flashbacks AND I DONT LIKE IT.
Baby Lo has been less active but has had heavier activity. She’s assumed to be about 4 pounds now and her movements are definitely being felt. I still think it’s crazy all I had before were air bubbles popping in my tummy and galaxy sounds wondering when I’ll finally feel her kick and move and now she has her foot all against my tummy and belly button and it’s so uncomfortable sometimes! Or when I bend over and feel her foot hit me super hard in the chest. Really knocks the air out of you — literally.
There’s so much stuff to do and look forward to this month and next month is the last month to really get things done! So crazy to see how fast time has flown since August. By the time my birthday and Easter get here we’ll have a little (hopefully) curly haired blummy tagging along with us everywhere!
I also hate how out of order my posts are going to be for the next month; I still have one or two 2018 posts I want to write but I’ve already started writing 2019 posts. Whoops.
For one of the last trips to Dallas in 2019 I wanted to try a French bakery that I’ve had my eye on pretty much all year — Bisous Bisous Pâtisserie which is located in Uptown Dallas. I won’t be reviewing the bakery in this post, I’m saving that for a different post cause it deserves its own post. Trust me.
I’ve wanted to change the content for hazearella (my lifestyle/makeup/candle blog) for a few years now but never had the drive to make the content or take the pictures I wanted. So I decided on this day, I was going to.
I wanted to start 2019 with being the blogger I always wanted to be; to my surprise when I pitched this idea to Bubba his only response was: “F I N A L L Y.” Gotta love a man who supports your passions!
I’m still working on not being camera shy and I’m still working on how to pose for photos. I’m so use to being behind the camera and when I’m not, I’m usually turned around or taking a selfie.
I hope in 2019 I’m able to let go of these small silly insecurities. That I’m able to express myself more and be okay with the fact that no matter how hard I try sometimes my makeup isn’t going to always be perfect. Or that not every photo will be perfection. But I hope to post it all anyway. I hope to have fun with it. I hope to fall in love with lifestyle blogging the way I always dreamed and wanted.
I also hope to learn how to dress myself like a human being as well! I told myself no hoodies in 2019 (I mean of course there’s certain exceptions but for the most part if we’re going OUT OUT, no hoodies). I use to put effort into dressing nice and doing my hair and putting on makeup; I want to get back into that habit again.
Because it made me feel good. It made me feel awake and alive. It made me feel productive. And with a baby on the way — I’m sure you can assume how drained and blah I feel on a daily basis. Pulling yourself out of that is hard; but I don’t want to end up like those mama’s who can’t find time to take care of themselves and end up blaming the baby.
Baby Lo is here to enhance my life. Not take over it. Not change it. Not take things away from me. But add on that extra encouragement. The extra smile and laugh while I figure out this new chapter in my life that’s coming up quick!
I don’t know why I find it so hard to update on my own dang pregnancy but it drives me crazy! I had hoped that I would keep this super organized archive of everything happening so when Baby Lo was born I could look back on it all and my experience. But to be honest in the last 27 weeks I think I’ve written like 3 pregnancy blog posts.
I’ve been at least trying to keep up with taking my weekly baby bump photos; though I wish I’d put a little more effort and “show” into them I guess. But baby bump selfies are super hard! Especially when my bump isn’t big enough and finding the angle for it to show in a photo is a struggle in itself!
Also weird because on thebump.com the objects were switched: 26 weeks was an Eggplant and 27 weeks was a Cauliflower. I guess the idea is the same though lol!
We had switched hospitals and doctors at the end of last month, our first appointment wouldn’t be after New Years. The whole process was a bit stressful, well stressful when you consider the time frames and how much time I had between now and giving birth. But thankfully the new hospital and the new doctor ended up accepting me despite being over 20-something weeks. Whew.
It’s hard to believe that nine months have flown by that fast — though I guess if I were still pregnant it would had felt like forever, especially now.
Technically her due date was estimated on the 22nd, the day after Penny & Axelyn’s 2nd wedding anniversary. How cool would that had been?! For their first anniversary I moved down to Texas and for their second we coulda had a baby. Okay, it’s a little sped up but you get what I’m saying.
Also I didn’t want to back log this post because… I just didn’t. Though if I had written this on the 22nd I would had been a blubbery mess of emotions like I had been when I wrote a very brief Facebook post.
Today would had been her due date…
I think the part that sort of sucks the most was that we lost the baby 3 days before her first appt and before her ultrasound; but at the same time I truly believe that it was for the better.
Would I had wanted to know the baby wasn’t going to make it on Christmas Eve? Or would I had been better off not knowing and enjoying Christmas as much as I could before we figured out something was wrong?
I watched a video earlier where someone had said; “there’s no reason to be bitter, these people aren’t taking anything away from you by sharing their news.” there’s something like sadness and a bit of jealousy seeing everyone who announced their pregnancy around the time I should had and are now posting pics of their healthy babies while mine isn’t here anymore. But there’s also a pain in remembering the entire time I was heavily bleeding in the middle of the night and going through painful contractions the only reason I was crying was because I knew my baby was dead.
I don’t have anything positive to really say about this, and I don’t like writing negative posts but I’m sure anyone who’s miscarried probably has felt the same way I feel right now.
It was suppose to be your due date.
My mind just stops there, abruptly.
I’m sad we never got to meet you. Or even see you. Your daddy loved you so much from the moment I told him you were here. And I miss you, all the time.