Brain Dump | March

Typically July and December are my depressed months. The months where the most traumatic shit has happened to me and I just am not in a good mood or the best person to be around. And it’s not like I mean to be like that, it’s just those months make me weird. If that makes sense.

Tums birthday is this week and I got NOTHING literally N O T H I N G prepared. I’ve been in a super dark depressed funk all month and I noticed… this happened last year as well. The only birthday I really tried to make memorable for her was her 1st birthday. Even if it was just us. And I remember his family threw her birthday party (which I obviously didn’t go to cause I was no contact with them already at that point); I told her dad I didn’t want to see anything about it. Yet I still did and I remember feeling like shit. I felt like shit cause I wasn’t able to throw my own daughter a proper birthday party. I’m not from here. My family and friends are in California.

I felt like shit because I felt like I fuckin failed as. Filipino mom. There was no pancit. No lechon. All I wanted was to throw her this birthday party like every fuckin Filipino child gets…. and I fuckin couldn’t even do that. And it hurt.

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Brain Dump | Depressed

As someone who’s dealt with depression since they were 13 you’d think I’d have like a million ways to cope by now but truthfully, when my anxiety showed up at 19/20, the depression took a back seat. For so long in fact that sometimes I don’t even know I’m showing signs of depression unless someone points it out to me. And it always amazes me that my friends all the way in California, though they don’t see me every day, can still spot when I’m not myself. That’s the beauty of having people in your life who know you and who accept you exactly 100% as you are.

Lately I’ve had a hard time getting out of bed and end up not even getting up until 4pm just to get back in bed at 7 or 8. Like okay that’s enough life for today. The last time I pulled this shit I ended up dropping 80 pounds and a friend of mine had to literally pull me out of my apartment. But it was also around the time I had started taking Zoloft the first time.

I blamed Texas weird ass weather at first, which the weather here has sucked. It’s like a never ending fuckshit of winter. I’m over it. Then when I fly to Cali it’s perfect and 80 degrees.

I’m reminded of just how alone I am in Texas and wonder how did I put myself in this position. It’s not like it’s hard for me to make friends, at all. But it seems like most people I’ve run into in the years I’ve lived in Texas just haven’t been the best people or if they’re family members suddenly I’m fooling around with them. Bubba’s family has made my life a special kind of hell since I’ve moved here and I regret ever moving here to begin with.

I gave up my life of magic at Disney and beach days for this shit?!

Literally should had just moved back to California after I broke up with Nick, like I had planned to begin with. I also need to stop dating people who take me wanting to move back to California as just blasphemy because their hometown is “the best”. And they’ve never even lived anywhere else. I don’t know how someone comes up with that conclusion but it’s a thing people do.

I feel like since moving to Texas I’m completely forgotten who I am. I subconsciously tried to fit this mold of someone I wasn’t. Just to hopefully please people. Spoiler: didn’t work. I never understood what my friends were saying when they said I got soft until I set foot in NorCal and it’s like snap what have I been doing the last few years?!

Giving birth and suffering through postpartum depression while feeling completely isolated and alone was the worst and so freakin traumatic. To the point where I literally NEVER want to give birth again. I never want to go through that ever again. And I lost even more of myself for years. While the Zoloft helped, I couldn’t get my insurance to work something out enough for me to get help with therapy. And believe me, between PPD and losing my dad within months of each other? I desperately needed therapy. Zoloft isn’t easing my mind as good as it did the first time around, but I’m also not on the max dose.

I’m losing my train of thought… I thought putting on The Descendants would make me feel a little better. A little closer to Disney? Something? It’s kinda working.