Five years ago today was THE MOST traumatic experience of my entire life. I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy. From the moment my ex saw the positive symbols on the test he was hell bent on terminating the pregnancy. Didn’t ask me how I felt, or what I wanted. Within those 3 weeks was a lot of emotional and mental abuse. Every time I tried to protest that I didn’t want to terminate it and that I had been tracking its growth, that it would be wrong to do that, he would start fights with me. He would belittle me and be cruel. Once he slammed me on the floor.
And before you can say “you had choices. You could had gotten out”. I don’t think most people realize how scary it is to be somewhere where the person you’re with has built this facade and that no one would believe you. That you were too far from anyone you knew to come save you. Or that you were too scared to let people know what was happening. I was throwing up a minimum of 3 times every single day, I couldn’t keep food down, how could I have had energy to beat this dude with a pipe?
The day of wasn’t any better. It was Father’s Day in 2016, he left me home alone to deal with it by myself while he went to celebrate with his grandparents. He didn’t pay the phone bill that week so my phone was shut off. Thank goodness I had Google Voice, it was the only way my parents could message me. They couldn’t even call to check on me. This was before I realized you could text AND call on Facebook Messenger but ever since I found that out I’ve been using it over SMS even if now my mom handles my phone plan to ensure that never happens again.
I fell into something dark. I didn’t know what Postpartum Depression was back then, but I’m sure I was there. I used FFXIV as an escape from reality for months. I just didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. And I definitely didn’t want to be touched or around my ex anymore.
I’m sad for myself that my first pregnancy experience was so shitty. And my second and third ones weren’t all that great either. Every pregnancy brought a whole new set of trauma with it. I’ll always wonder who this baby would had been. They would had been 5 this year.
And yes, I did leave my ex as quickly as I could after this happened. He didn’t understand why I was being distant (as if he was really that dumb) and I made the move to move back to Orlando where I knew he wouldn’t actually move there with me. I lived my best life the year after this happened, I did a lot of soul searching and self repair. But this is something I’ll never forget.
Sometimes life throws up something so god awful you think you’ll never recover. And sometimes it’ll also throw you under the bus. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’ll throw you someone you were NOT at all even trying to look for.
A few days ago hit the 2 year anniversary of when I was forced to get an abortion. I admit that I had been over my ex lonnnnnnng before that. And I was in a very weird in between state of: okay how do I escape this awful situation I’m in and I never ever want to date anyone or have sex ever again for the rest of my damn life.
So when I felt well enough to jump back on FFXIV I was a bit annoyed my friend at the time was heavy set on me meeting a guy she thought I would love. I told her I wasn’t interested nor was I in the mood. I actually told my entire Free Company to stay away from me that day.
I had spent the day fishing because fishing in FF MMO’s was always a way I had relaxed. And Costa del Sol was definitely a beautiful place to just try and get my mind off of things. It’s still one of my favorite places in the game.
I locked myself in my room and I tried to stay away from everyone.
But apparently my friend manged to catch me in the crafting room while I was looking for fishing bait and brought the boys — including the one she was trying to introduce me to — with her. I only knew Xer (the one in all black) who was “her guy”. I figured the one she was trying to have me meet was Sir Penny’puss (the one who is IRONICALLY matching me). I didn’t know who Naha was at the time and I think there was one other guy there but he had left before I snapped this picture.
I was purposely targeted on Naha because I felt so awkward there. Penny had came up to me and hit me with a macro and I had never seen someone compile a macro just as something fun to do. Most of the time people just do macro’s as an easier way to cast a spell or raise people so to see him put together this really fun macro was interesting.
Right when he was done they all stood around me and hit me with the /joy emote which is one of my favorite boy cat emotes. Then they randomly ported away. My friend told me to chill with them in Limsa but I was still feeling a bit low so I decided to log off instead.
I didn’t have a very big opinion on Penny when I first met him — I was surprised he was wearing a straw hat and that his outfit damn near matched mine. And I thought he had a lot of energy. That last bit is still true to this day, two years later.
I remember not really knowing what to make of him or if I was interested in him since I didn’t know him. But I ended up adding him on Facebook a few days later. And I started a poke war with him. That turned into very early morning conversations that went on all day long for weeks.
On the 23rd he started throwing out smooth lines to me:
I went afk for a bit to fold laundry and I came back to Penny sitting right in front of me staring at me. In a top hat. He didn’t know it at the time, I’m sure, but top hats are a weakness.
Me: I’d fold my clothes happily if I came back to this all the time.
Penny: If I’m around I’ll always do this.
And eventually on June 24th this happened:
I asked him if he had a mat I needed for a top I wanted to craft and he did happen to have it, I was particularly new to this game so I didn’t know much about how things worked or how to obtain them. So he met up with me when he got on after work and gave me the mat I needed.
He then decided to keep me company while I fished and between pony farming with his Free Company.
Again, we’re kinda matching.
I talk about this particular photo a lot.
I don’t really know why but it’s still one of my favorite /gpose catches. I don’t remember what we were doing or why we were even throwing emotes at each other and I still to this day have trouble getting Axelyn to face Penny when I’m doing /gpose. But the one time it actually worked, the photo turned out to be one of my favorites.
It’s hard for me to figure out what day I should write/post this post. Simply because we met on the 21st. Well we “met”. We hung out together for the first time on the 24th and we started dating on the 30th. Or well that’s when we had our “first date”. We don’t really have a legit anniversary date so we just picked that one.
Sometimes life throws things at us that we’re not looking for. Or things we feel like we’re not ready for. But I’ve never been one to let a chance that may change my life slip by.
I can’t believe it’s been 2 years already, it definitely doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. The time has just zipped on by!
I created this blog as a place where I could be as open and as transparent as I wanted about whatever I wanted to talk about — with that said there are a lot of things in the last 3 years I haven’t really expressed, shared or talked about because I just wasn’t in a place where I could and isn’t that strange? To have to suffer in silence for that many years?
Two years ago I was living with my boyfriend at the time who I had been dating for about a year and a half. We didn’t have a good relationship. We barely got along. I had been trying to break up with his since Easter after he had put his hands on me and slammed me on the couch with his hands around my throat screaming in my face.
Despite the many attempts I had tried to break up with him and kick him out, he just wasn’t listening. He’d start an argument with me and get more angry than me to appear threatening to get me to stop or shut up. We literally never resolved any problems we had — and we had A LOT.
On Memorial Day weekend his mom took us out for lunch and at the time I thought I had just been hit with really bad motion sickness. When we began dating I had been forced to stop taking anti anxiety meds cold turkey and since then my motion sickness had gone wayyy up so I figured it was just one of those moments.
Over a week it had stayed consistent along with dizziness. I couldn’t stomach very much food and even playing FFXIV would trigger my motion sickness.
Bubba wanted me to write a very detailed and extensive blog post on OUR BLOG about my journey with anxiety and so parts ONE and TWO can be found there. I’ve debated on copying + pasting them here as well but I’m not sure…
With that said I’m jumping a bit ahead to the medication part of my story.
When I were first diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety in 2005 I refused medication; I figured if my brain had the ability to rewire itself, it had the ability to rewire itself back. I never assumed it would be easy, especially considering how intense my anxiety and anxiety attacks were back then. I went to group therapy every week and I went to one on one therapy once or twice a month until 2010.
Here’s the thing about therapy. It won’t work if you’re not ready. And if you’re not ready, that is totally fine. There’s no reason to rush a process that you’re not ready to dive in to. Just because you doesn’t mean you’ll beat this any faster than you plan to.
Working around and through your anxiety is a journey only YOU can take. Only YOU know your limits. And you should NEVER let SOMEONE ELSE direct that journey FOR YOU. Never feel like you’re disappointing someone by not getting over this at the speed they want you to get over it. YOU are NOT the disappointment, THEY are for pushing you beyond your comfort level.
I somehow forgot to write this little section in the previous entry. I guess I thought the photo had copied to my desktop when it didn’t and I didn’t realize it until I went to bed last night that I didn’t talk about this!
This birthday was probably the most memorable, and definitely not in a good way.
My ex husband was pretty… selfish. Bubba had asked me months ago if he was ever controlling and in a sense I never thought of M as ‘controlling’, I guess because he never acted out, if you will. Like he never made public scenes or he never flat out showed your typical version of jealousy. But if I think about all the things he expected of me or all the things he pushed then in a really subtle yet un-subtle way he was controlling. He wouldn’t throw a fit or make a scene but he was a pro (A FUCKIN PRO I TELL YOU) at ignoring someone for as long as a week and a half. And I mean IGNORE, like not talking, not responding. But if we’re talking ignore then he went years doing that shit.
But he was selfish in a sense since I can’t really think of another word to call it — let’s put it this way — if he had friends (and 99% of his friends were girls which was fine cause 100% of my friends are usually guys though I DO NOT hug coworkers AT WORK. Hell I don’t hug them AT ALL unless I’m REALLY close to them and that takes a lot of time. I’m not a hugger if I don’t fuckin know you and I’m definitely NOT a hugger if I suspect you have a crush on me. In fact I’d be less than a friend if I suspected you had a crush on me and I definitely would not be hanging out with you, ever) which were mostly girls he would completely ignore me. If they asked him to hang out he would be prompt and he would stay out as late as 2am. He wouldn’t tell me WHERE he was going or WHO these girls were and he wouldn’t update me from time to time. If he went to hang out with friends or coworkers I wouldn’t get a single text or call the entire time he was out. If I texted asking him something while he was out he would get pissed and wouldn’t respond.
This particular year we had to take the same work bus to work (the E bus for those of you who do/did the DCP and worked on the Hollywood Studios route whoot whoot); we barely ever started work at the same time or ended at the same time to ever really have to be on the same bus. But the very few times we did he wouldn’t even acknowledge I was on the bus, especially if his coworkers were there.
Once we were standing at the bus stop, I had my headphones on cause we were waiting and he was standing next to me, a coworker comes and says hi. Looks at me then walks off. He turns to me mad saying, “why do you always have to repel my friends.” uh bitch what? I’m sitting here, listening to music, on my phone, minding my own business. Don’t no one care about you and your janky friends. She need to brush her hair.
This was the birthday year I’m talking about.
The one I had mentioned where his friend’s birthday was the day before mine and they went to lunch and I was waiting for him at my spa appointment. His friend had asked about me and he didn’t like it. So he resolved to not have me meet anyone he worked with. So this year, though I saw some of his coworkers from time to time on the bus with him, I wasn’t allowed to meet them or say hi. So most of the time when I’d run into him say on the bus on the way home, I’d sit away from him and with my coworkers instead and ignore the fact he’s actually on the bus since he did such a great job of ignoring me even as I walked on.
Great marriage, right?
So he was never into social media, he always said it was “stupid” and “gay” but during my birthday week that year he got back on Instagram and Facebook, added all his chick friends and would frequently be in a group chat with them on Facebook or on Instagram and leaving each other comment threads. I noticed he got back on social media but he still hadn’t liked or commented on any of my posts anywhere. But I knew he was texting people on these apps.
He said he had gotten on for my birthday as if THAT was his bday gift to me. Just like how he frequently used, “I was nice to you all day.” as if it’s something that he should be praised for. It didn’t occur to me at the time that Chanel’s birthday was literally the day before mine and that he added all his coworkers and was constantly texting them. Yet he spun it around saying he got back on for me though he left no trace of any activity on any of my posts.
I do a lot of random things.
At EPCOT you can color in a Perry or a Duffy at any of the countries. There’s a table for kids to color at and you take it to every station in every country and they stamp it for you.
I was pretty proud of this guy cause I thought the body color was pretty accurate and at the time I was kind of obsessed with Perry (not so much Secret Agent P) even though I didn’t watch the show. But I always thought it was funny how as Perry he’s kinda cross/bulge eyed but as Secret Agent P he looks all professional lol! And no, sadly you can’t meet Perry in the parks!
So I decided to color a Perry and take him around the world for my birthday. M colored some of him but I colored most of him and it was me who took him around and I’d chit chat with the people in the diff countries. The guy in France noticed I had a Vinylmation pin and we talked Vinylmations for awhile.
There was another photo of just Secret Agent P by himself without me in it and I noticed M had posted it on his Instagram with the caption, “I scraped those little whack ass kids.”
I noticed that there was no mention of me or my birthday at all on that post. When his friends left comments he took ALL the credit and he made it sound as if he was so hardcore that he “scraped” some KIDS in coloring a fuckin character. It’s not a content or a game. It’s something fuckin fun for kids to do. If you need to boost yourself up by down talking KIDS who are on VACATION you’ve got some fuckin problems. Foreal.
I had brought it up as we were going to Magic Kingdom to watch Wishes and it started this big argument where the above was said. I don’t remember the entire fight. I do remember sobbing my fuckin heart out at the Magic Kingdom gates not even wanting to go see Wishes. Not even wanting to celebrate my birthday anymore.
I was just so sad and so hurt.
And I was so tired of being hidden. And sadly this was the start of the next 2 years of being hidden and BANNED from his work location. Oh yes, it got worse.
I was so tired of him saying anything having to do with marriage was gay. When that shit didn’t even make fuckin sense. He never told people he was married. They would have to figure it out themselves. If I did go visit him at work and someone asked who I was he’d say “oh that’s Hazel.” it got so bad that some of his coworkers speculated he wasn’t even married and was lying about it since no one EVER saw me. There was one coworker who he got into an altercation with at work who ran into us doing laundry once and was like “oh, you really are married I guess.” and he got pissed he said that. As if it wasn’t obviously his own fault. Or as if he was mad he was married in general.
As much as I loved that Perry in the end I ended up throwing him away. Every time I saw him I’d just get sad and remember that day.
At the end of the day M blamed everything on me and “acting crazy” so he deleted the photo off his Instagram and deleted the app off his phone along with the FB app. And in the end he ended up joining SnapChat with all of them and refused to add me to his friends list.
I try to cling on to the good memories of this birthday — my facial. Finally meeting Remy at Chefs de France and getting to eat in France. My day 2 outfit with the top hat. How good this outfit came out and how I didn’t feel insecure in it at all (it was the first time wearing a dress in forever). Getting to eat Ohana’s.
And I think that was it.
But this is definitely one birthday memory I wish I could erase.
And though I’m not turning a significant age I thought I’d look back on all my past birthdays. As a reminder, if you will.
I’m a little sad I’m not going on vacation or doing anything epic this year for my birthday. I am going on foodie adventures through out the DFW area though which I am REALLY REALLY excited about especially since there’s a few places I’ve really wanted to try since I moved here!
But I was thinking the other day and this morning; I had mentioned to Bubba I never look forward to my birthday. Like ever. And though I’ve had traditions that I’ve held on pretty tightly to through out the years I wonder, really, how do I FEEL about my birthday?