Ooh look what’s back this week! Idk if it’s Mercury Retrograde but this weekend has been flooded with a few hard hitting realizations.
Sunday was World Mental Health Day and USUALLY I have some well thought out post on social media and my blogs but this weekend I was just… I had the worst creative block. And a sneezing fit. But that’s different.
And if I could grant you peace of mind, would it be enough?
Something about this segment that seems to repeat itself through out Hamilton lives rent free in the front of my mind lately, not just that but it strikes a cord with me.
I struggled a lot growing up. I was shy because I was insecure. I was insecure because I was never encouraged; I was encouraged by my Lolo but he passed away when I was 9 and I had nothing after that. I was told a lot of hurtful things growing up that undermined my intelligence, my perception of myself being a good person, my beauty, my anything. Anything you could think of. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed and feeling worthless. I TRULY DEEPLY felt like I was a waste of space. That everyone in my life would be so much better off and happier without me bringing them down or getting in their way.
I still carry these insecurities with me. I’m MUCH more aware of them and it only took me 30-something years to realize most of them were far from true. Here’s the thing though — you could be 110% aware that something isn’t true about you. But because it was drilled into your head that it “is true” you start to doubt yourself. DESPITE KNOWNING that it’s not true.
I had refused to wear shorts and skirts and dresses until I was 31. And I fuckin lived in Florida. I refused to be outside of my house in anything less than a tee shirt. I hated my legs, I hated my shoulders, I hated my collarbone. I hated that I was flat chested. I couldn’t understand why anyone would truly be attracted to me. At 13 I started thinking about suicide. At 14 I met my really sweet friend Dru. He was adorable and popular and he was really sweet and kind. And I was like, in love with him for awhile, I asked him out like 5 times and he said no every single time. It’s cool, I never held it against him. And honestly we’ve been really close friends for the last 21 years, so.
I have so many memories of him convincing me that I’m worth something. That my life is mine to make. And even now 21 years later he still reminds me he needs me here. This year I’ve been reminded that people really fuckin love me. People really fuckin support me. I have the MOST amazing friends a girl could ask for.
This is getting way longer than I thought it would.
My friends have played a huge part in helping me build myself back up.
Just stay alive, that would be enough
I caught COVID in May and the amount of friends who would check up on me, who sent me get well gifts… was touching. I know my friends love and care about me, but I guess I just didn’t really think about how much I meant to them. This year has been reminders of exactly that and it’s something I’ve needed.
This week I want to manifest that everything I think I am, I am. I want to stop selling myself short.