Monday Mindful Manifestation

I don’t have a quote or any idea what I want to manifest this week. But as I write this, Tums is behind me with her blocks learning how to count on her own. The things this girl does when you just sit and watch her amazes me. She’s so dang smart.

I lied, I just came across this quote in friend Logan’s blog post. Fun fact I started following him on LiveJournal in like 2004? 2005? And I’ve been reading his blog ever since.

This is something I truly believe in; my ex use to be one of those people who felt like because of his upbringing the world owed him something. He spent years angry and waiting for things to fall in his lap. And when I’d suggest doing something about it all he did was point out how hindered he was. But if there’s anything I learned from him it’s that people will go after what they want, period. He always felt like I had a bigger advantage because I had a car. Because I came from money even though I worked just as much if not more than him. I had my own bills to pay. I was THISCLOSE to enlisting into the Army because my mom refused to pay for my college.

My biggest dream was to work at Disney. I held on to this dream for years. I had no idea how or when, I just knew someday I’d get there. And I did. And it wasn’t because I had a car or came from money, none of that played any part in how I got a job at Disney.

I’ve believed in manifestation my whole life — if I just stayed on track. If I just kept working towards whatever goal it was — big or small — I could make it happen.

Working at Disney was one of the best things to ever happen to me.

I went in as this shy, insecure, quiet girl who had big dreams but a small voice. I struggled to make female friends in CA because bitches are haters. And I left that job being a girl with big dreams and a big voice. I’m 0% shy. I got comfortable with speaking in front of 80 people every 12 minutes willing an animatronic ant to start a show. I made friends all around the world I still talk to that loved me for who I am, no matter what kind of day I was having.

I lost my bestest friend and my husband in the process, but tbh I feel like the truth of if we belonged together or not was hanging in the balance way before we left for Disney.

People will always be who they are.

It’s up to you to listen and what you’re gonna with that.

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

My doctor put me on a second anti anxiety/sleeping aid and it works a little like Xanax but not as strong. It’s been making me chill tf out the last few days, that’s for sure. The adjustment isn’t horrible like it was with Zoloft but it’s still a bit of a struggle. Having to just deal and still be the best mom is hard some mornings. I had the first Sunday in months where I felt find enough to send Tums and B to his mom’s house like I use to so I could get some sleep and catch up on some work. I’ve been a lot more hungry lately which is a good thing, it’s been awhile since I’ve actually felt hungry.

Self Care is super important, but in the world like this where our new reality is constantly changing, it’s hard to keep up with even sleep let alone self care! But if you’re anything like me, you know the feeling of burn out by putting yourself last. The only quiet time during the day I get is when I’m cleaning the rooms and taking a shower. I don’t even take bubble baths anymore, and they’re my favorite! I should start again but I always feel like I don’t have time anymore.

Things I want to start this week as self care;

➔ Play more relaxing music

I just rediscovered some songs on an old Spotify playlist I made years ago. I forgot how much I loved some of these songs. They definitely take me back to the days I worked at Disney and my busy life back then, which you all know I miss. But listening to relaxing music really has a way of changing your whole vibe.

➔ Cleaning my space

This means going through and getting rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. I managed to do this a bit in the living room the other day and it felt so good! Now imagine if I did that for a whole room. A whole apartment?! Okay, I’m going to slow it down a bit. Baby steps. But truly, clean your space, clean your mind. At least, I’m really hoping how this is going to work.

This also includes replacing light bulbs. Had to throw that self reminder out there for myself. Cause honestly, I know how stubborn I can get. I irritate myself all the time with it. Like yo, these bulbs need to be changed!

I also want to go back to melting a wax melt before bed/at bed time. I associate a lot of feelings and memories with song and scent. I also got an aromatherapy set for review and I’m wondering if I want it in the bedroom or in the office.

Which I told myself when I moved here that I would have a section in the office of all things zen. A space that can provide me with some calm and clarity. So, I really need to work on bringing that out.

➔ Truly let go of those in my life who also don’t spark joy

I recently discovered someone who was important to me blocked me and that’s fine, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I can’t tell someone how to feel and vice versa. But it did remind me that I was holding on to a memory, an idea, a someone that I use to know and I think one of the most painful things we will experience in life over and over again is that sometimes the people who are the most close to us can grow into someone we don’t know. That realization feels a lot like abandonment and manipulation; but people are allowed to grow into whoever tf they want, when they want.

In addition to that: when people show you what they think of you, believe them the first time. If it doesn’t align with your values, your vibe, then cut them off too. Those truly close to you won’t badger and tell you what to do with your life or time. People these days lack the ability to just fuckin listen. They also lack empathy and compassion. That’s their problem, not yours.

➔ Take time to show up

I have a ton of friends who will jump up to remind me I’m dope af. I’m funny. I’m pretty. I’m cute. That I’m strong and I take chances and no shit from others (typically). But I have a hard time telling myself these things and believing it. We are our insecurities. As I age and since I was pregnant I’ve grown to hate my face and my skin more and more. I don’t know how to put on foundation that makes me look airbrushed, no matter how hard I try.

I use to be obsessed with this thing I’d do from time to time I’d call Project Pretty and yes, most of the time it did build my confidence doing these challenges. But no matter how many times I tell myself NOW that I’ll do this, I can’t seem to find the time. I barely have time to sleep properly. But I really want to make more of an effort to show up everyday this week. That means if I decide to just do my hair — that’s fine. If I decided to do my makeup just because — that’s fine. I use to have a makeup routine that took me 4 mins to do before work every day. I need to find another quick easy look like I did then.

The goal is to boost my self confidence. And I hate that I’m placing so much of that on physical appearance but hey, we’re transparent here right?

What are some things you’d want to start doing as an act of self care this week?

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

So it’s March and well… things get sort of irritating around this time of the year. Just personally. With the people around me. And while no one should have to deal with anything that distrupts their peace, well, this is still real life and some people just can’t seem to comprehend boundaries. And I can keep talking about boundaries and how people make me uncomfortable all of March if I want to, but it won’t change the fact that I “pick my fights” as a truama response. And that, deep down is truly unfortunate. It’s unfortunate that those around me don’t respect me enough to respect my boundaries cause tbh, I don’t have many.

Credit: Relationship Rules Pinterest

People don’t seem to understand that this is your life. Not theirs, not anyone else’s. But they seem to think that when you put down boundaries they’re not comfortable with then you’re the bad guy. You’re crazy. You’re overreacting. What they fail to realize is that you shouldn’t/don’t/won’t give a shit. They don’t pay your bills. They don’t feed you or clothe you. If someone ain’t bringing shit to the table but stress and drama? They don’t need to be in your space. They have no right to it.

And ironically, I get shit about this from every person I’ve dated after I got divorced. It’s not my fault you guys prefer to keep toxic energy around you, but I’m not obligated to. I can hire, kick and promote anyone I want in my life. Cause it’s mine. I’m not a maid. I’m not a servant. I’m not a person who’s rights are stripped away. I’m not a house pet. So it would be really nice if some people would realize this.

This week I’ll be better at reminding myself that my boundaries are mine. And if no one stands with me/up for me then that’s fine. It ain’t shit I haven’t dealt with before. That’s for sure. But I need to do what I need to do to protect my peace.

What are some things you hope to manifest this week? Have you ever found yourself in a similar position?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Yes this is my actual handwriting lol

It’s 7* here and MSN weather says it feels like -3* even UberEats isn’t delivering.

I read a post from Alex Tubio on Instagram, and it really made me think about my own life, my own journey and my own need for self reflection. It’s no secret that I’m unhappy here, but there’s really nothing I can do at the moment. Not with Covid, not with what the “new normal” is becoming.

And I’m partly mad at myself for waiting. For not going where my soul tells me I need to go, and now, I feel like I can’t. That the places that make my soul sing and play are so much farther, so much more out of reach. And often wake up feeling so trapped and hopeless and alone.

However I also know that I can make this less depressing than it has to be; shifting your perspective can change a lot, I should know, I’ve had to do it once or twice to save my own sanity. Is it easy? FUCK. HELL. NO. Is it worth it? HELL YES. Especially when you’re out of idea’s.

What most people don’t know though is that your environment plays a HUGE part of your well being and mental health. I’ve been around people so toxic before that I was constantly physically sick. And the moment I got away, I never got sick. It was the weirdest shit I ever had to learn first hand. And ironically it’s the toxic ones who won’t believe that’s true, or who will tell me I’m “wrong” for keeping my circle small and close. Or that I don’t invite who THEY want into MY energy.

Sorry, but my energy is mine, and I will never let someone ever make me feel bad for kicking someone out of my space that I find toxic. And esp since I have a small child to take care of?

We want to raise our children in a childhood they don’t have to recover from.

April Athena

My trauma is mine; it’s something I have to work through. It’s things I can’t blame my mom for anymore, she raised me the best way she thought she could, but she had her own struggles that she kept from us. Things she had to fight alone and I now know what that feels like. I think of that every time I feel myself slip into my mom and get so angry I want to blame Tums. But it’s not her fault. And I need to remember the things my mom endured and sacrificed in order to give me and Tums the life she’s giving us.

So this week I’m going to dive back into Linkin Park, Eminem, the things that made my soul feel heard. I’m going to bug the ever living hell out of my brother Sean because his energy for some reason feels like I’m hitting refresh on my own, and I will forever love him for that. I’m going to make active plans to be healthier, to be better, to be kinder to myself, and work on shifting my perspective.

Ya’ll my head is hurting just thinking of it, cause at least for me, it gets really heavy and hard. I’m so fuckin stubborn and no one knows just HOW MUCH I am except me and my mom. And my dad when he was here. But I want 2021 to be different. I want to be in a different space a year from now.

What’s something you want to work on or manifest this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m sleepy; well not sleepy but kinda drained. Woke up yesterday sneezing like crazy (and for the rest of the day) and feeling sick. I had a huge cry fest the day before so I figured maybe it was just a side effect of that. I took NyQuil last night anyway, just in case. And I feel a lot better today, just… drained.

This weekend has been a bit of an eye opening experience and I had thought to move this blog to a self hosted place but seeing how hard I worked on it so far and how far it’s come, I just couldn’t. I will link this new blog I did set up anyway, but I think it’ll house more of my harder mental health things.

2021 is about courage, right?

So let’s talk Shadow Work.

If you’re unfamiliar with what that is, I included a link where you can read about it. Author gets extra points for going on a mini rant about Darth Vader (Anakin, I still hate you). I haven’t done much talking about Paganism here… or really anywhere. Despite it being almost 20 years since. I guess I’m still… I don’t know. The space I’m in now, I don’t feel like I’m free to 100% be myself. I feel like if I step out of this box that I’m put in of “who I am” (or who they think I am), they accuse me of not being myself. As if someone else can tell you who YOU are. These, btw are the people who need to do shadow work. Or get therapy. Definitely get help.

I love things that make me think about my soul, does that sound weird? Like things that bring triggers to my attention without triggering me. Okay that made less sense. Just, roll with me here. I came across an article this morning that made me think about things. Obviously when someone gives birth, a lot of things in your body changes. However with me it wasn’t JUST my body that changed, it was pretty much my spirit too. I don’t know how to explain it without going into a whole rampage about it.

Point is, this weekend made me think about a few things and a few other things I need to address with myself and find solutions to. Shadow Work is something I’ve always known I’d have to face eventually but just never wanted to willingly go there. If it came up, ok. But to actually willingly dive into things? I’m getting drained just thinking about it.

But the thing about being around people who aren’t like me is the constant reminder that I’m not like them. I don’t go around destroying other people to make myself feel better. And why? Because I’m insane about self reflection. I can tell you every single one of my flaws proudly because they make me who I am. I can tell you my strengths because they too make me who I am. I can tell you why I do/respond the way I do. I’m as transparent as tracing paper and yes, that’s not an easy combo when you’re also sensitive af but I’d honestly rather be sensitive and transparent and get hurt than be a whole soul of bad juju that goes around getting a kick out of hurting other people. Cause that’s not ok. That’s not what family does. At fuckin all.

So in this week, moment, month, year — whatever — of newly found self reflection and shadow work; I need to remember that even though it’ll bring back a lot of dark and bad memories that I will be okay. I have an amazingly strong support system that is always right behind me.

And beyond that, I’m from the hood. I can handle anything.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

This week’s intention;

I don’t feel not enough as much as I use to, I still feel like I don’t do enough but I myself feel enough for me, anyway. I need to remind myself that everything on my to do list doesn’t have to all be crossed off. That’s what tomorrow is for. Or later. As long as I get as much done today, that is enough.

The kiddo’s toys is taking up lots of space, granted this is her room. Well half and half my office but it’s hard to literally split things like this in half. She does try her best to keep her side tidy when I ask her to, and really what more can you ask of a 2 year old lo. But this room does need some organizing, for sure.

I honestly can’t believe how fast January is already, we’re mid month at this point and I’m super excited for the changes ahead!

What’s something you want to manifest this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Welcome to 2021’s first Monday Mindful Manifestation!

I’m actually writing this on Sunday morning and it’s snowing and still really sleepy, but I’ll get to that later this week.

I decided to switch it up a bit. Sometimes I’ll do things I want to manifest for that week and other times I want to try out affirmations. I know they can sort of be the same thing, but just a little more different. More direct, I feel like. It’s only the 11th day of 2021 and although a lot has happened in the world, I feel like I’m failing myself. Weird flex, I know.

This week I want to remind myself that I do have time to do the things I love.

I’m so bad with managing my time and with doing chores before anything and everything else. Which you know, isn’t that bad esp when you have a toddler and a husband. I feel like this place never stays clean somehow. I’m also convinced that straight men don’t care too much about having clean environments. And as someone with OCD, this drives me bat shit crazy.

I’ve been trying to block out time during my day to read and to do other things I want to do; and some days I’m able to and other days I’m not. I really need to be better at that.

So here’s my reminder to myself this week!

How’s your 2021 going so far?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

I don’t have a quote or anything for this week’s MMM, it’s just something that I was talking about with a friend. But it’s also something that’s been reoccurring here on my blog since I started MMM.

I want to manifest the ability to not be upset about comments about me that I know aren’t true.

I don’t know if it’s just the weather, the season, the depression… but my emotions have been heavy and harder to manage even with medication. I wish there was some magic way to gracefully ignore the things people say to and about you if you KNOW it’s not at all true. But I tend to feel and get in my feelings way too much. So things hurt longer and harder than they probably should.

I know I won’t achieve this in a week or even in a month. I’ve never really been too good at ignoring or letting go of certain things (my mom and bro-ko love to remind me I need to) but it is something I want to learn or control better.

I KNOW who I am, and things like this just make me feel like I don’t. It’s such a conflicting thing, for sure. But hopefully I can make moves, no matter how small, to get closer to this goal.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Monday Mindful Manifestation

There’s nothing more discouraging than the holidays and seeing your blog stats drop.

I mean, I’m sure there are more discouraging events that are far worse but for me, in this moment, I’m struggling.

I have a serious love/hate relationship with Winter days and nights. I’ve always had pretty good memories of winter living at my mom’s house. It’s like the whole place was transformed into something cozy and filled with whatever that warm fuzzy holiday family feeling was. Lit candles, snacks and tree lights. But Christmas has never really been my favorite holiday. I’ve always preferred December to Christmas. I try to recreate the atmosphere my mom effortlessly did every single year, but I always feel like I fall short.

I also get seasonal depression, even with the warm fuzzy family feelings. And I never knew why or how. I mean I spent a lot of my child and teen hood battling depression but it got so much worse in the winter. It’s easier to manage now, and more annoying than anything when it comes back.

When it comes to blogging, there’s a ton of factors when things don’t work out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my content, my marketing, and find time through out the day to get everything I need to get done.

This week I want to manifest the reminder of my 3 year plan. The reminder that I’m capable of accomplishing anything I set my heart on. I’ve proved it to myself so many times through out the years. I CAN do this, I just have to WANT to. I need to remember to let go of petty small distractions; including my own thoughts. We’re creeping up to the last month of 2020; let’s see what I can accomplish in the next 31 days if I 100% put my mind to it!

What is something you’d like to manifest for yourself this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m feeling slightly better from being sick over the week and weekend! I’m ready to get back to work — after I take a nap.

I’ve been listening to a lot rap lately; but then again I usually do. But more so recently, being sick last week sucked. I hate feeling sick during the holidays or pre-holidays because I always feel like I have so much to do. It honestly doesn’t help that whenever you’re feeling at your lowest it seems like the universe wants to remind you all these things are coming up that you have never heard of before!

So this week is going to be a week mostly of catch up. With making calls I need to make, cleaning, wrapping gifts for my family and friends, and getting ready to ship things. Also to look into things I’d like to bake for the holidays. And set up my streaming/Switch stuff. Oh… and my end of the year TBR. I really really need to work on that TBR plus I’m so close to finishing my GoodReads reading challenge!

So this week I want to try to remind myself to chill out, grab some coffee, think these things through and plan realistically and handle it. It’s almost 2021 and I need to get my mind, my soul, and my money right.

My current playlist;

My Shit Bang by E-40

Zipper by Jason Derulo

Gangsta Nation by Westside Connection

Hood Stomped Out by Clyde Carson

Walk it Out by Unk

Is That Your Chick by Memphis Bleek

What Means The World To You by Cam’ron

Get Your Walk On by Xzibit

I Think They Like Me by Dem Franchize Boyz

Grillz by Nelly

F Em All by ThisWae

A lottttttt of these songs bring me back to high school and college and of course ThisWae is my brother. This is legit one of my favorite tracks by him. And the video is dope af.

I don’t talk much about my before life but I grew up in a hood ass area. Graduated from a hood ass high school after being kicked out of my own high school. Can “childhood trouble makers” grow up to be decent adults and successful? ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTLY. Who you are in high school does NOT define you. I’ve seen a handful of the worst people I graduated with grow into business men, I’ve watched them find success, and be amazing fathers and husbands. And we ALL cheer each other on. It’s been years since we graduated but I’m still just as close to all of them, they all support me, lift me up and cheer me on when I need it.

It might also help to explain my ex husband was just as hood. I loved watching him c-walk. We were those annoying ass people who sat in a mall parking lot bumping rap with their car doors open just chillen. I met Wae through my ex husband, they rolled in the same circle. Wae himself has put him and his friends in fights and all kinds of crazy shit when we were kids. But ever since the first day I met Wae he had my back. When people at work were harassing and shit talking me, he stood up and told them to back off. It’s rare to find people like that, so when you do, you hold on to them tight. The love I have for him is absolutely endless.

So rap and hip hop have been a huge part of my life. And I hate that the more I’m away from home, or people like me, the more I feel that part of myself fade away. It only comes back when people push me to my limit and I stop caring about what people think or say about me. Esp since I’m a really nice person and I really try to stay out of peoples way.

So this week, I’ll remember who I am. Where I came from. What I’ve accomplished and what I know I’m capable of.