Tag: mindfulness

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Monday Mindful Manifestation
Via miss-mental.com

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these that I don’t even know what to say.

The last week or two have been a bit of a blur and emotionally draining. I’ve been struggling with my shadows, finding time to actually create content, finding some sort of peace so I can actually think… and my mind still feels like some weird hazy cloud where I’m still trying to figure out what thoughts are mine and not those of others.

I set boundaries this year because I was tired of everyone in my ear trying to tell me what to do, even when it didn’t sit well with my soul. I never get how people can press someone else to make a choice in their life. Like yo, go fix your shit and your life before you try to tell me what to do with mine. Bitch asses. Then they get the audacity to get mad at you for not taking their advice? Ok, controlling much? Back on up. I get I’m the one with a mental illness but some of the people “in my life” act like they’re the troubled ones. Then again without self awareness they might just be.

This week and hell for the rest of the year or my life — I’m going to be extremely selfish with my energy, my time, my boundaries and what I think is best for me. I need to work on stop letting myself feel guilty for resting. I need to remember that if I can’t be at least 80% then I can’t help anyone. My rest and my well being matters too.

What is something you want to work on this week?

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Monday Mindful Manifestation
Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s definitely been a while since I’ve done one of these; a long while actually.

So much has been happening lately, and I’ve been really overwhelmed with it all. I need a self vacation, wish that was a thing I could actually go do.

Waving Through a Window from Dear Evaen Hansen has been on heavy repeat for me in the last month. I have yet to watch the movie — I’m not a big fan of watching movies though.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting since my incident. Not so much shadow work, just trying to figure things out. Trying to make sense of it all even though I’m sure this is one of those life things with no answers.

This week I want to treat myself with more patience and grace. Speak to myself kinder. And ignore other peoples opinions; I need to do what’s best for me and my healing process.

I miss blogging and creating; I hope giving myself more time to heal will bring me back to the things I miss doing.

How have you been? What is something you’re hoping to achieve this week?

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4 Things I Learned From My Relationship

by Hazel Vee4 Comments on 4 Things I Learned From My Relationship
4 Things I Learned From My Relationship

I’m not going to go into the whole backstory of this one, I thought I would but it’s a bit irrelevant and I’m sure no one actually cares. Just know that I was best friends with this guy since we were 14, he stopped me from committing suicide, he was the first guy I ever asked out and he rejected me. We stayed friends after that cause I’m not some butt hurt ass bitch. We had a close friendship through the years and recently he admitted he liked me all these years despite saying no as kids. Excuse me, but that’s a bit hard to believe since you dated and were drawn to all the popular girls (since he was popular) and really didn’t seem to have any romantic interest in me until now? That we’re adults and you can’t seem to get anyone else to date you? Uh, okay, sure. If my gut is telling me that that’s hard to believe, then guess who I’m going to believe.

During my separation from my husband, I started dating this guy and very quickly, I realized a shit ton of things. But we’ll narrow it down to 4 main things.

| The grass isn’t always greener on the other side

Sometimes the grass is just… dead. I said what I said. People who flaunt their income like it’s a personality trait are kind of a red flag and though it sounds nice, it usually isn’t. And I learned that no amount of money is worth being treated like trash. I honestly think a part of me was drawn to this because I grew up with my mom throwing money at me over actually showing me love and empathy. I’m use to wanting money over feelings but since becoming a mom, I see how toxic and unhealthy that mindset is.

Money doesn’t make you a better person or a reliable parent. Period.

| Just because they’re your “best friend” doesn’t mean they’ll make a good partner

Just because they protect and care for you as friends, does not mean they’ll always care just as much about you as your partner. Sadly, I hate that I learned this was a thing because it makes me think our whole friendship of 25 years was a lie. Or wasn’t real. And it’s even more disappointing because in my head I thought if I ever ended up with this guy it would be everything I thought it would be; but in reality it was kind of Hell. It was NOTHING like I thought it would be and the way he treated me as his partner was the most fucked up thing… esp after I ended up pregnant, his disrespect was more constant.

| Love bombing is a weird ass drug

Love bombing paired with having a history with someone can really fuck you up. You want to believe that person is capable of giving you what you need emotionally because why wouldn’t they but you realize that not everyone is capable of simple things. Like loyalty or honesty or empathy. And to cover/hide that fact, they love bomb cause that’s probably as much as their emotional gauge can handle at one time.

Love bombing in itself is a toxic trait and it’s hard to see when you’re in it, esp if you’re trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I can’t blame myself for staying as long as I did, despite wanting to leave way before I even got pregnant. Love bombing is def unfair and it’s shitty that someone can do that to someone they claim to “love” and “care about”.

| If your gut is telling you something is wrong or off, TRUST IT

I don’t know why I don’t do this faster since I should be able to be more aware of this feeling… but I just don’t. However, there was a lot that was going on behind my back that I didn’t realize until he stayed with me. And it wasn’t just picking up a phone call from his ex and basically flirting with her for an hour in the other room either. But that def set things off and made me sense other things.

An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation.

I hope to next time be more aware or have much more solid boundaries. But this was definitely a huge learning lesson and wake up call for me!

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Brain Dump | 911, I don’t want to die

by Hazel Vee1 Comment on Brain Dump | 911, I don’t want to die

A few days ago I woke up with body aches… I thought maybe I was just getting sick. As the day progressed, I kept feeling worse and worse. I could barely eat anything and by the end of the night I threw up. By the time I got Tums to bed, I was pretty dizzy and feeling pretty weird. Thinking I was still just getting sick, I went to bed.

I woke up throwing up… a lot. About 7 times. At that point I realized something wasn’t right and I couldn’t text correctly. I called 911 because I legit felt like I was dying. I was having a hard time breathing, I was sweating like crazy, I felt like I was losing consciousness. I had both the girls with me and my husband was at work. I texted my MIL to come quickly, I think I’m dying. No questions asked, she said she was on her way.

I felt like I was on the phone with 911 for hours but my call log says 24 minutes.

I kept screaming saying “I don’t want to die” and I kept falling over losing consciousness. I then realized what if Tums was dying too? And I went into a whole different type of panic. By the time the medics got here, I wasn’t able to move or walk, I was dizzy. I told Tums she had to open the door and I followed her to the front door where she unlocked and opened it for the medics; she’s 4.

They came in and helped Winnie since she was crying and I got back on the bed. They wrapped me in a blanket and turned on the fan saying my room was really stuffy, but I was freezing. At this point my breathing was a little better, I was able to open my eyes but my vision was blurry and I realized… I couldn’t remember things. I knew my kids were in the room. I knew my MIL was too. But certain questions they asked me, I didn’t know the answers to.

They hooked me up to an IV and got some fluid in me. My MIL got me dressed and they escorted me to the ambulance. There they asked me general questions.. I didn’t know what year it was, what year I was born in, how old I was or who the president was. It was such a weird out of body experience.

I got to the hospital where they put me in a room and hooked me up to more stuff, asked more questions and let me rest a bit while they tried to figure things out. My husband got there shortly after. I told him I was scared, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why can’t I remember things. He went to get some of my stuff and the doctors came in to take blood, samples and run some tests.

The ER staff where I was was amazing. They made me feel comfortable and taken care of.

I finally was able to get an actual room and the staff there were equally as amazing. I love the staff at that hospital. It’s the same hospital I gave birth to Tums in and I had an amazing experience then also.

When I got to my own actual room, besides morning blood tests (which sucked) the only other tests they did were an MRI and a CT scan with that stupid liquid. It felt SO weird. The night nurse who took me though was really sweet and helpful.

The first day I was there they said they saw a high white blood cell count which meant an infection but they didn’t know exactly what kind. So they went with UTI, even though I didn’t have any UTI symptoms. By the last day the doctor came in and told me they found E. Coli in my blood test. I was responding to the antibiotics they were giving me fine so they sent me home with a similar one to take.

I’m 2 days post hospitalization and I’m still on and off dizzy, I have headaches and I feel out of it. The fact it was an E. Coli poisoning is such a scary thought. I couldn’t imagine if this happened to one of my kids. Hopefully I get back to feeling 100% soon. For now, I’m going to lay back down.

Wellness

Hello November

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Hello November

I gave up on these posts awhile ago because I was getting discouraged about not even feeling like setting goals. But if I want to get back to my old self, I’m going to have to make a change myself. I feel like I spent most of 2022 just worried and upset. I’m not sure how much of the year I can salvage and at least get a few goals checked off. But doesn’t hurt to try!

| Set up the Christmas tree

This should had already been done but it’s not. I did get a tree, I just haven’t cleared space to put it up yet. I plan to before Thanksgiving at least… hopefully it’ll help my mental health.

| Catch up on October Reading Challenge TBR

I’m so sad I spent most of Oct depressed and didn’t even start on any of my October Reading Challenge books. This is my favorite tradition for myself and I get so bummed when I skip a year.

| Bake something festive

Planning on putting my KitchenAid to use this season. Not sure what I’m going to bake just yet… but I really want to bake something this year.

| Disney+ movie night

Disenchanted comes out this month and I still need to watch the live action Aladdin as well as Mulan. I know, I’m super behind.

| Enjoy family days

Family days are a lot more fun now that Tums is a full on child. I mean it’s not fun when she wants half the store but it is fun to have days out with her. We have some family days I’m looking forward to this month that I’m pretty excited about. And some Christmas stuff we have planned for Tums (and let’s be real, me as well).

| Catch up on gaining needed weight

Because I spent most of this pregnancy depressed, I’m wayyyy behind on the weight gain part of it all. I barely ate in October and as my tummy grows and stretches, it’s starting to become incredibly uncomfortable. I’m trying to do what I can to spend the rest of this pregnancy calm and not stressed out so that the baby won’t be stressed out and the labor will *hopefully* be as easy as it was with Tums. Though I guess that would be asking for a lot at this point.

I really need to find a way to stop feeling horrible about myself and my situation. It’s obviously not the best and it’s not ideal and I sure as hell hate spending the holidays pregnant but it is what it is, the most I can do is learn from it and be more aware of other people and their intentions. No matter who they are or how long I’ve known them.

| Get a prenatal massage

I don’t know if it’s just because I’m older this time around but my back has been killing me more than usual… but mostly in the mid back and not the lower back that usually bothers me. I’m sure getting a nice prenatal massage would be really relaxing and I love the spa I would go to to get massages. They have this aromatherapy thing going on as well and it was always so relaxing. I really want to get back into doing monthly massages like I use to.

I’m hoping November will be a better month for me than October was.

What are some of your November goals?

Self Care

Monday Mindful Manifestation

by Hazel Vee1 Comment on Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck lately. Like in some weird whack ass limbo space and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. It feels like I’m fighting against a current to just do anything remotely productive.

Maybe I’m just supposed to chill. Maybe I’m just supposed to rest. Plan my next move.

But I’m the type to never rest.

I hate taking naps. I hate wasting a whole day doing nothing. I hate waking up late.

I always feel like I should be doing and achieving more. I feel like there’s so much to learn and see to sleep.

Thinking of this weird space as a setback is also messing with my mental health. I’m spending way too much time worried about why and how did I get here. And not enough time focusing on what to do now. Life is going to keep moving forward, with or without you. Life, time, the universe… it doesn’t wait for anyone.

This week I want to focus on taking better care of myself. Eating better. Sleeping better. Planning out my day better. Once I figure that part out, I can figure out the rest. But for now; the first two really need to be a priority.

What’s something you want to focus on this week?

Wellness

Brain Dump | This Shi Again

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Brain Dump | This Shi Again

I have a forever pimple on my scalp and it’s really making the left side of my head hurt? I don’t know how to explain it. But I should probably stop fuckin with it. A friend told me recently I need to stop cussing so much in my posts cause it makes it lose its integrity. Fuck that. Freedom of speech mf. Keep scrolling if you’re bothered.

My daily routine of Cherry Cokes have no been replaced with mf Red Bull. So over the last 2 weeks I’ve been at an 8 and my poor cousin has had to suffer while my mind is running a mile a second. But I’ve never felt this awake in years so I’m going to bask in the fact that I’m not some weird underlying type of tired. Why did I stay away from these again?

I’m in a weird limbo state in my life — I want to talk about it but I kind of can’t. But then I don’t think I ever want to talk about it either? It’s such a weird thing. It tests my ability to be transparent and I hate that.\

Me: Ahhh! There’s a CRICKET in the grass!
Thiswae: DO YOU SEE THE RED FLAG ITS HOLDING UP MF?!

Gotta love when my brother refuses to let me escape a subject. Mf. There’s a fine line between coming at someone from a place of empathy and love and just being a straight up controlling bitch. It’s a very fine line. But let’s talk about control. Like what’s up with that? LET PEOPLE BE THEM. At the end of the day, they’ll do whatever tf they want. AS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO. Why come into someone’s life just to tell them what to do? Just to mold them into who you want? Go get you a block of clay with that shit.

Jealousy is toxic
Insecurities are toxic

Fite me.

And if you cared about someone you would address this shit and not just go behind their back and not say shit. By all means, do whatever strokes your ego, but don’t be upset when it results in trust being broken. That’s on you. Handle that insecurity or whatever it is before coming to someone. I swear, the older people get, the DUMBER they are. I need to surround myself with people who are TRULY committed to self-improvement, productivity and mf shadow work. I have trauma only works for so long. GET. IT. TOGETHER. Or go find people who are on the same spiritual level as you. Cause the rest of us do not have the patience to do your healing for you.

I think for the rest of May I’m going to work on Marie Condo-ing my entire life. I’ll keep you all updated on how that goes.

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Monday Mindful Manifestation

It always amazes me how people react to your boundaries. How pressed some people get when you stand strong by them. And it’s always so strange when it happens. Mostly because why does what I allow into my space upset you so much?! The reaction doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it’s just because other people’s boundaries don’t upset me? I don’t know. Everyone has their own preferences, their own ideals and their own perception of things. Isn’t that what free will is?!

Then again I have no desire to control anyone.
Ok maybe I do, but you know, that’s a different story.
But even then, I truly don’t. That’s just me being petty.

It blows my mind how long I went refusing to see my worth. Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? At the end of it all, it was me who refused to see my own worth. It was me who thought I deserved less than what I truly do deserve. And although it was external opinions that got me here, I should had known better. No one knows you better than you know yourself.

I know a lot of my MMM posts tend to revolve around the same ideas/ideals but this is just a realistic look at how often we have to remind ourselves of our worth. Of our progress. Of how often we have to find ways to hold ourselves accountable to remember that we’re worthy of more.

So this week (even if I’m writing/posting this on Thursday, work with me here) I want to remind myself that accepting my worth will mean losing people. But the people I lose are really not a loss at all. And if people can’t respect your boundaries or care about your well being, they’re not worthy of having a spot in your life or in your energy.

Wellness

Monday Mindful Manifestation

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, huh?

Have I mentioned I love reading/watching/immersing myself in things that make me question my mortality? I realized this last weekend that I need to really figure out how to change my perspective when it comes to loss and death. As someone who jokes about suicide as much as I do, you’d think I had a pretty solid grasp on the concept of death, but I really don’t. Life is much easier lived when you don’t feel like you have anything to lose, that’s for sure. Part of the reason why I never wanted kids, I never wanted to be responsible for their loss of a parent if some day I wasn’t able to fight my demons.

Although, now that I’m in my mid 30’s, me and my demons have a bit of an understanding. At least way more of an understanding than we’ve ever had before. But it took a lot of soul searching, shadow work and expressing myself to get here. It also took a lot of loss. Because with every hard moment, with every loss, with every life changing experience you gain something. And if you don’t, you’re a robot. Seriously.

My cousin brought something to my attention a few hours ago — that if I want something, I do everything to make it happen. The trick is wanting it. And it reminded me that that’s a thing I’ve always had in my hand.

The universe will always give you what you ask for.

Manifestation is a real thing. And looking back at my life, I can’t deny that. At all. Because even the smallest things can be manifested. Not missing your flight. Sometimes running into someone you want to run into. Just things like that have always happened for me, if I wanted it.

There is so much more I want to say on a more personal level but I can’t seem to get myself to write it. No matter how much I try. I hate that. I hate that I let other people who may be lurking impact what I say here. I’m really hoping that with the next step of my life I’ll be able to let go of that fear and just be free to say what I want here and on social media. It’s been a very paralyzing few years. I almost have to force myself to write and remind myself of why I’m here. And it’s not for them.

Just know I’m good.

I’m so good. I’m such a sucker for new beginnings. And this time is no exception. I’ve learned what I will and what I sure as hell won’t stand ever again. I know what my worth is. I know how valuable my time and energy is. I was reminded that bad energy will make you sick. That if I can cut off family members, I can cut off anyone.

Reminding yourself of your worth is always a hard thing to maintain. I never understand why. Why is it so hard to remember what we are worth? But so easy to remember lies people tell us about ourselves? No one knows you better than YOU know YOU. People can say what they want, none of it could be true but you’d believe every word. This is the kind of thing that confuses the universe.

This week I want to be more mindful of how I consider my worth. I want to be better at reminding myself OF my worth and that no matter what happens, the universe has my back. Always has.

What’s something you want to manifest this week?

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Brain Dump | Separation & Divorce

by Hazel Vee4 Comments on Brain Dump | Separation & Divorce

I don’t even know how to begin this honestly.

I haven’t been as active as I’d like to be because it seems 2022 is just a year of realization and the last few months have been just super emotionally draining. I found the courage to do what I needed to do years ago but of course, people hate when you find courage to do something that doesn’t fit their narrative.

I make it no secret that I’m a traveler, a content creator, I chase dreams and magic and I don’t let anyone stand in my way. This is my life to live and no one can tell me how to live it. My happiness and my mental health have taken the backseat long enough. I fuckin hate being lied to, manipulated and most of all fuckin gaslit. I hate Texas and being a mother has been a bigger struggle than I ever thought it would be. I’m not the type to be satisfied with marriage, a family and a house. That’s never been my vision for myself. I don’t need someone else to complete me. Like my cousin likes to tell people: she can do bad all by herself.

It’s disappointing to find out someone who claims to care about you doesn’t have actions that line up with their words. And it’s even more draining when they refuse to hear you because you’re not saying what they want to hear. Since kicking Tums dad out I’ve been able to think so much more clearly without fear and without dread. And for the record, just because someone doesn’t hit you isn’t grounds to assume that their energy doesn’t make you uncomfortable. That’s not something that should even be a punchline.

So women should have no reason to feel uncomfortable around guys who harass them? Cause that makes zero fuckin sense. Yes I’m uncomfortable. Yes I have some sort of sex PTSD where I think if I wake up a guy — any guy straight or gay — from a nap I think they’ll ask me for sex. Or if a guy is nice to me even if they’ve known me their whole life, I’m suppose to owe them sex. And I honestly didn’t realize I had this weird ass trauma until I went to see my friends back home — most of which are all guys. And that thought crossing my mind around dudes I know would NEVER EVER HURT OR DISRESPECT ME was such a huge problem. There were things I said that they would say “you don’t sound like Hazel, at all, what’s going on?” and there’s so much of me that was locked in fear that I was severely unaware of.

My cousin and my BFF have been such helpful people the last few months. They call and check on me constantly to make sure I’m ok. That I’m good. That if I need anything at all to never hesitate to ask. My BFF was dope enough to help me pay my rent this month since Tums dad didn’t have rent and really had no plans on finding rent which would equal to me being evicted and a negative score on my credit report. And this is why I don’t like living with anyone. I’m so tired of housing dudes who can’t be responsible for finances or how to maintain a credit score. Or hell even to just be mindful of someone else’s credit score.

There’s so much I want to say and I’m not sure how to say it without naming names; this is difficult. I can’t even brain dump shit that’s weighing on my mental health because people stalk my shit and my blogs and I honestly can’t wait to be out of here and far from these people and this place. I can’t heal in the same place that broke me. That’s exactly why I left California.

So for the lack of activity here and on my social media — this is what’s been going on. Dealing with a gaslighting soon to be ex husband, trying to figure out what to do about my apartment and living situation and trying to figure out how to deal with custody. I’m pretty drained at the end of the day. But at least I’ve been getting sleep, if anything.