Monday Mindful Manifestation

Tums had a restless night so I had a restless night. She also somehow managed to turn off the touch pad on my laptop. How? I have no effen idea but it’s a thing. And it took me half the night and Google to figure out how to undo it. It shoulda been common sense to me, but it was and it wasn’t.

You are dope. You are capable. Fuck anyone who says anything different.

That’s it. That’s all I have the energy to manifest this week lol. But it’s all I need to focus on myself and my new business. I’m working on the blog cause it keeps breaking on me and my kuya and his “FIX IT” pep talks lol.

I hope you all have a productive and mindful week ahead!

Self Care | First Spa Massage!

I wanted to do more self care for myself this year and this is something I had planned since last year-ish and just didn’t go through with. But monthly I wanted to do something big for myself. Be it a massage or a facial or something relaxing and just for me. I do get adjusted weekly and I try to eat better when I can. I watch Tums all day so I’ve tried to for us to do active things like dance or play kick ball in the room. It’s a way for us to stay active while still being indoors and a chance for me to teach her how to do things. It’s crazy the things you have to teach a child but super interesting, especially since WE can’t remember what that was like.

So this month I decided to get a massage at a spa I’ve been wanting to go to. I’ve never 1) been to a spa and 2) ever got a legit massage where you’re on a table and everything. Despite working at high end Disney resorts. Man, that sounds sad lol.

I went and checked in and the ladies showed me where to go and what to do — so there’s a dressing room with vanity mirrors, bathrooms, lockers and whatever a steam shower was. I saw a few people using it, but I didn’t really understand the concept.

They provide these super comfy heavy robes (that I literally could just fall asleep in) and slippers (I opted to just keep my shoes). I was then told to go to the waiting room which had the most tranquil vibe. I swear, the whole back area was like being in a sound bath or something. I loved it.

Word Vomit | “You just fold in the cheese”

I couldn’t think of another title and that scene has been living rent free in my head for weeks. A lot has been going on here, mostly stuff I don’t talk about cause I don’t know how while still being “a blogger”. As much as I love how blogging has evolved over the years… I also hate it. I’m sure I’ve talked about this before.

Home Stuff

I’m a clutter bug. I think it’s part of my OCD — to hoard things sometimes. I get it from my mama. No, foreal. But I try really hard to be as bad as she is. But I remember having stock piles when I still lived at home because I didn’t want to run out of something, esp if it was my favorite something. I let that habit go when I did the DCP because it was hard to get to the store and it was hard to keep up a stock pile and the apartments were so small. And this did tug at my soul a bit because of just how hard things were. But, I survived. I didn’t start trying to stock pile things again until the pandemic happened and everyone was buying out the disinfectant wipes — I literally can’t go a day without them. My OCD won’t let me.

Having a toddler also makes things look more… cluttered. And she cycles through toys so often that it gets overwhelming so this past weekend I finally went and got bookshelves so I can unpack my boxes of books. As well as tidy the shelves in the office and the closet. I’m still working on things but the space feels so much lighter already. I unhauled a ton of books that I need to go sell. I’m still a loss on what to do with her toys. She has this big bin for all the small stuff, and you’d think clean up would be easy. Just throw everything in. But some things she doesn’t want in there. she gets super particular which is fine, I can relate. I switched her play tent to face the other way and she about flipped tf out. She was crying and refused to come in her room. And that’s when I learned my daughter is a creature of habit, like I am.

I also ordered a bunch of candles I don’t need but wanted. I’m usually mostly drawn to Bath & Body Works candles but lately it seems like their prices have gone up while their quality has gone down. I’m finding that not even half way through the burn they’re already losing their scent/throw. So I bought some candles from DW Home since they released this years summer scents as well as some from Goose Creek. I also got Zeep Bath wax melts like I do every summer. Their stuff is some of my fav! I usually post about candle stuff on hazearella. If you’re into that stuff. I have the DW Home Salted Caramel Latte candle (that looks like an actual coffee cup) on my desk right now and it’s so strong lol. But I’m excited about the progress of purging things and sorting things.

Continue reading “Word Vomit | “You just fold in the cheese””

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Do you remember who you were before someone tried to tell you who you are?

No one knows us better than we know ourselves, despite what anyone thinks or wants to believe. They don’t live in your head or soul, they can’t hear your inner thoughts, they only know what they see on the outside.

So why do we let other people dictate who we are. What we do. What we’re capable of? It’s easy to listen to someone on the outside, and I’m still trying to figure out why and how that is. It’s frustrating af. But apparently knowing this doesn’t make it easier to stop letting it happen. Not everyone has the best intentions for you — no matter who they are in your life. Some people just don’t want to see other people, esp those close to them win or do better than they are.

This has been heavy on my mind this last week. I’m diving into a project I’ve been thinking of for literally over 12 years but just never had the courage to actually do. It’s amazing what having the right people around you can convince you that you can do anything. I realize every time I feel myself holding back and wondering why. What am I so scared of? It’s not like any of this is new or harder than anything else I’ve done. It’s just, different.

I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone this year. I feel like I’ve been stagnant the whole time I’ve been in TX and it’s making my soul itch. I really want to talk about what I’ve been working on but it’s also been why posts have slowed down around here as well. I’ll link my instagram for it soon!

It’s been raining here all week. Yesterday it got up to 80* and my Floridan self regret not wearing shorts. The heat here is like CA. It just HITS you. It’s not humidity which feels like a warm hug from inside a marshmallow.

I hope you all have a happy and positive week!

Monday Mindful Manifestion

Into The Unknown from Frozen II has been living rent free in my head all week. Unpopular opinion: Frozen II was way better and WAY more empowering than Frozen I. I think I’m one of the few who don’t care too dive too much into Elsa and Anna’s past/parents. I’d much rather know who the fuck raised Hans. But there was something magical about this addition to the franchise, and I surprise myself by saying that since I worked at Disney when Frozen came out and when I say you could not escape Let it Go on stage I mean it. Living in Orlando didn’t help either because it played everywhere. Even at Target and Publix. Like pls Elsa, can I just grocery shop without you following me?!?

But a part of me feels like this song is speaking to my soul.

Every time I’ve moved away from Florida, I’ve hated it. I feel my soul start to ache and dull. I’m not inspired. I’m not cheerful. I don’t know how to explain it, but spiritually, I just don’t feel good. I will forever long to be back in Florida; it’s a place I made into a home, for myself. And I suppose people who’ve never done that for themselves couldn’t relate to what that means. But that doesn’t excuse them from preventing others from doing what their soul tells them. I mention this topic a lot, because to me, it’s important. YOU have ONE life. A life that is YOURS and NO ONE ELSES.

I know that’s MUCH easier said than done, but I’ve always went in the direction that I felt the most pull towards. I told myself as a kid I wouldn’t live life with regrets — I grew up with my dad swearing he was dying for at least 25 years before he was actually diagnosed with cancer. I never understood how someone just flat out refused to live freely and constantly decided to live in fear. I told myself I wouldn’t waste my life away in a small town in California. So I didn’t. Yet somehow I’m finding myself stuck in a small town in Texas that’s far worse than American Canyon could ever be. Stuck, and alone. With no friends and no family. Would I trade it for CA? I want to say no, but I do miss the food and my friends and family. I haven’t been home in 10 years. I’ve been too busy living life, but ever since my dad did pass I’ve also felt a pull to go home. To say my goodbye’s. Even if I think he won’t hear me.

Small towns kill dreamers.

That’s for sure. And constantly having this song on repeat has reminded me I’m not some small town girl. I’m not someone who doesn’t dream. I dream BIG and OFTEN and that’s who I have always and who I will always be. Just because now I’m a mom as well means nothing. That shouldn’t stop me from being who I AM. To do anything else just sounds fuckin ridiculous. We should be raising stronger, smarter and much more driven women in the world. And I refuse to ever contain my daughter or her dreams.

This week I want to manifest;

A reminder of who I am. A reminder of what I am. And a reminder of what I’m fully capable of.

Let’s go, and let’s make it successful — Kuya Dru

What do you hope to manifest this week?

4 boundaries that count as self care

I’ve learned that people don’t really like or want to respect other peoples boundaries. For some reason the people who set boundaries are often called unreasonable or experience verbal abuse for having them. I don’t really understand why or why it bothers so many people the way it does. You are the creator and the maintainer of your own life. This life is no one but yours. So you should be the one to call all the shots, no matter what they are. But some of us don’t like conflict and so we let other people slide by treating us the way we don’t want to be treated just to “keep the peace”. Your boundaries tell people how to treat you. And that’s something that took me a long time to learn. And it wasn’t something I would let someone else push aside once I had Tums. And my boundaries were and sometimes still are pushed to the side. But if there’s one thing I don’t let slide anymore, it’s that if you push me, I push back. I refuse to settle for being pushed just to “keep the peace”. My boundaries insure my peace of mind, everything else is just in my way.

Ironically it wasn’t until my second set of in laws that seemed to have a problem with me and my way of life that I realized how much of my own boundaries I would bend for the sake of “looks” and “pleasing others”. And thinking back on it, omg, what was I thinking by allowing people to think certain things that were okay when they really really were not. The difference between my two sets of in laws is that at least the first set took the years and time to get to know me, and know how I work. So if I said no to something, even if they didn’t agree with it they didn’t question it either and just chalked it up to “that’s just how she is” and never tried to change or pressure me into anything else. It wasn’t the end of the world if I didn’t want to show up to their house for whatever reason. And if I was having a fight with my sister in law then it was just between me and my sister in law; it wasn’t some big family lets-jump-this-person. Most of the time her parents stayed completely out of it if me and her were having problems. And it’s still like that today, if I’m mad at my sister, I’m mad at her. Not her mom, not her dad, not her brother. Her. And WE handle it. Without inviting the rest of the family to join in. Well that and her family would never spread rumors about me. So. Wait, her bother — my ex husband — has. But you know what, he went through a lot, so I’ll let him have that.

4 boundaries that count as self care;

| Saying No
As a kid who grew up in a Filipino household I always questioned the whole “I’m the adult, you have to respect me” ideal. I remember asking my mom at 6/7 “isn’t respect suppose to be earned and mutual…?” and she didn’t have a response. But it was one of those “adult” things that kind of stayed with me my whole life, for sure.

Filipino’s are SO BIG on appearances and what people think of them. Everyone just wants to appear better than the next person. Why? I freakin have no idea considering most of them grew up in the same poverty stricken neighborhood. But hey, whatever makes them feel better about themselves. It definitely bothered my mom that I didn’t take my “appearance” seriously enough for her.

I said no to dresses a lot and yes to boy clothes, video games and jeans. Being bullied about my skinny legs my whole life can do that and dresses did not make me feel comfortable, at all. Not until I was in my 30’s. And living in hot ass Florida.

It should be obvious that it’s your body, your life, your peace of mind that you need to protect. But too often we’re caught up in what our boundaries might look like to other people instead of figuring out that we should only be around people who respect our boundaries. And yes, there is a huge difference between the two. And while I get it’s easier said than done, your tribe should really understand you as a person and that just because you say no, it doesn’t have anything to do with them personally.

| Setting aside “self care” time daily/weekly
When Tums was still super little — like couldn’t walk yet little — I made it a point to always set time aside for myself. I didn’t want to be one of those new moms who never showered or did anything for herself. So I often took time to take bubble baths and set aside every Sunday for myself — which is something I’ve been doing since way before I even met my husband. Now that Tums can walk and talk and understand things a bit, it’s been a little harder to find time to take bubble baths. And because of COVID it’s been hard to set aside Sunday’s for myself.

So now I try to find other ways to set aside “self care” time. Be in watching a few episodes of a show I’m looking forward to before bed. Or finding time to do a page out of a digital coloring book or even just playing a few rounds of Freecell or something before going to sleep. I do miss taking the time to play Animal Crossing or FFXIV. And I even just bought Story of Seasons for the Switch and haven’t made it passed the intro yet. But I’m working on that.

Setting aside “me time” is so important and often super looked over. There’s a bit of guilt in it, esp if you’re a (new) mom. But finding/remembering who YOU are is also a super important thing to consider when these sort of times come around. Finding self care time helps to keep you balanced and can play a part in your self confidence as well as prevent burn out. As much as I love being around other people, if I don’t get enough self care time with myself, I start to get super irritable.

| Kicking out people in your life who don’t contribute to your well being
This is def easier said than done and it’s probably one of the harder ones on this list.

I wish I could fully explain in words why this is so important. But I can’t. We as people like to be accepted, even if we know those we seek acceptance from aren’t even good for us. Or that the effort is worthless. But it doesn’t stop us from trying because we want to be liked, accepted and loved. And we feel like the people in front of us are as good as it gets. But that’s not true, at all. Making friends can be really hard, esp now during this whole COVID thing; but settling for people who don’t contribute to your well being is going to do nothing but hurt you more as time goes on.

I’ve had my share of friendemies and let met tell you — even now, almost 20 years later — sometimes I still get mad about the things I let certain people get away with. I was super insecure and shy as a kid and I hate that I let people take advantage of me or try to tell me who I was which looking back was just a projection of their own insecurities. Which is hard to see when it’s happening; but if you feel anyone isn’t contributing to your well being, it’s your right to kick them out and deny them access to your space.

| Having needs that are uncompromisable
You learn a lot from having mental health struggles and especially with OCD. The fact that I need things at home to be a certain way is a lot, I get it. And for the longest time I felt like because of these things that no one could ever live with me or everyone would eventually leave. I’ve been around people who truly didn’t believe OCD was real and made me feel absolutely awful about my anxiety. So I decided to live alone because no one could make me feel bad if no one was here and it was great. The most stress free I had ever been.

Bubba might not get some of the things, but he does everything he can to make sure my mental health isn’t spiraling out of control. Most of the time. He gets I freak out about certain things. I was so worried about Tums having to “grow up with an OCD mom” but to be honest, she doesn’t mind having to clean. She knows certain things make me upset so she tries to help as much as she can understand. But neither of them make me feel like I’m hard to love or live with. My BFF is also really aware of the things that freak me out when it comes to my OCD and is absolutely considerate when it comes to it without question.

This kind of ties in with the last one; but find people who care if you’re comfortable. Find people who get it and won’t accuse you of “being/doing too much”. Having needs that aren’t up for debate or compromise are things you’re allowed to have.

But also be mindful of the things other people set as their boundaries as well; my BFF will make plans with me super in advanced and will cancel at least like 80% of those plans and that’s just who she is. Sometimes she just doesn’t want to physically be around people. Sometimes she goes off the grid. And that’s totally fine.

Finding your people who respect your boundaries is possible. Don’t just settle for the people around you because they’re there. Esp if they make you feel bad about yourself.

Word Vomit | That New New

I know there isn’t a Friday Finds post up today and that’s because a lot has been going on all week and I’ve been… in a really angry mood. I could say I’m not sure why but that would be lying and I won’t lie to you or myself. Esp when it comes to my mental health. My therapist started me on a sort of booster anti anxiety med to take along with the Zoloft. It’s like.. it’s suppose to help calm me and help stop the small hallucinations I get. Oh and help me sleep. And it does, but I take it before bed so through the day I’m trying to figure out how to deal with everything.

Makes me miss the days of Xanax.

Tums has been in that stage where she was too much energy and she’s draining me. I know she has BIG emotions for such a little thing and trying to come up with ways to diffuse her melt downs while still trying to keep my shit together? I feel like this is some kind of level up. Is this how my exes feel? JFC. It’s usually easy to manage, it’s just when her dad comes home she starts acting out… and it makes sense why she does.

Gave in and got this for the Switch, I know the new one is coming out soon but I couldn’t remember if I liked Harvest Moon. I haven’t gotten very far just yet but the opening scenes are.. sad. I just needed a new game to farm and craft on. Currently waiting for the Sanrio Amiibo cards for Animal Crossing to come out. I also tore down some of my waterfalls in my entrance way cause I’m gonna make smaller ones. Or more hills. I don’t know. But it wasn’t enough cottagecore vibes for me.

I absolutely love when I find toddler toys for review that Tums actually loves. One I got her in Dec was a truck with shapes your match around it. She likes to build, so she basically just stacked all the blocks but she would spend hours doing this. Another that I just got her about a week ago is this set of 100 blocks (I know, RIP me) that she can build different things with. It’s helped give her something to do in the morning while I make her breakfast and she’s not crying cause I’m “away”. I also got her like a new age Etch a Sketch that’s actually really cool. And she’s been drawing on it. I taught her how to draw hearts. I’m working on butterflies next!

I amazes me how she’s not even 2 and we have our routines. There’s little things she makes sure to do for me, even if I don’t ask. She’ll put the morning juice on the table if I hand it to her. She starts the dish washer after I ask her to shut it. She shuts the laundry room door every single time she see’s it open. She also covers up all the plugs in the office with those plug cover things. I got colorful animals. But she doesn’t put random things in her mouth and she doesn’t play with the actual outlet. She knows it goes there. She also hands me my phone or my Kindle as soon as I get in bed. And she puts her toys away, oh she also picks up after herself! And if she catches me crying she usually punches me in the face. We’re working on that one lmao.

I gave in and upgraded this blog to a business plan; I honestly hate how limited the paid tier is despite how much it costs. And sure, it would be A LOT cheaper if I had just re-created the whole blog on my actual hosting service but I feel like I spent years building THIS blog up and idk, I’m weird about things sometimes. I’m still trying to figure out how set up extra things with the business plans like my usual plug ins and all that other “extra” stuff.

Guess who got to it first 😂😭

I finally got my iPad back yesterday, it had stopped completely charging a month ago and after a week of no results I decided to bring it to Geek Squad to repair while it was still covered. They said it would take 3-5 business days but it took about 2 weeks before I heard anything back. But she’s home now and she’s set up. Kinda. I just gotta organize everything all over again.

I also caved and upgraded my iPhone8 to the iPhone12 (and not the mini for once). I was super against the idea of it because my dad’s last text message to me is on my 8. Thankfully since the phone is paid for I didn’t have to trade it in, so I still have it. But I got the iPhone12 in blue. I hated all the other color options. And I don’t believe in phone cases, and no I never drop/break my iPhone either. OCD is good for something sometimes. I’m in love with it so far! The camera is SO much more than my 8 was! And I actually like the bigger screen. The only downside for me is that it uses the USB-C cable and well, everything I have is the lightning cable.

Tomorrow I start on organizing the closet and the office. Oh and also attempting to make wax melts! I’m pretty excited about that! And Sunday I’ll be sharing a ton of small businesses I bought Disney shifts from for our upcoming trip!

I know word vomit posts aren’t suppose to have pictures but eh, whatever.

I hope you all are having a great Friday and have a fun weekend planned!

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

So it’s March and well… things get sort of irritating around this time of the year. Just personally. With the people around me. And while no one should have to deal with anything that distrupts their peace, well, this is still real life and some people just can’t seem to comprehend boundaries. And I can keep talking about boundaries and how people make me uncomfortable all of March if I want to, but it won’t change the fact that I “pick my fights” as a truama response. And that, deep down is truly unfortunate. It’s unfortunate that those around me don’t respect me enough to respect my boundaries cause tbh, I don’t have many.

Credit: Relationship Rules Pinterest

People don’t seem to understand that this is your life. Not theirs, not anyone else’s. But they seem to think that when you put down boundaries they’re not comfortable with then you’re the bad guy. You’re crazy. You’re overreacting. What they fail to realize is that you shouldn’t/don’t/won’t give a shit. They don’t pay your bills. They don’t feed you or clothe you. If someone ain’t bringing shit to the table but stress and drama? They don’t need to be in your space. They have no right to it.

And ironically, I get shit about this from every person I’ve dated after I got divorced. It’s not my fault you guys prefer to keep toxic energy around you, but I’m not obligated to. I can hire, kick and promote anyone I want in my life. Cause it’s mine. I’m not a maid. I’m not a servant. I’m not a person who’s rights are stripped away. I’m not a house pet. So it would be really nice if some people would realize this.

This week I’ll be better at reminding myself that my boundaries are mine. And if no one stands with me/up for me then that’s fine. It ain’t shit I haven’t dealt with before. That’s for sure. But I need to do what I need to do to protect my peace.

What are some things you hope to manifest this week? Have you ever found yourself in a similar position?

3 Ways To Protect Your Energy

For this weeks Monday Mindful Manifestation I wrote about how people with toxic energy can impact your own energy. Protecting your energy is incredibly important, especially now with how much negativity is floating around. The world is in a weird place and it’s bringing out the worst in some people. Today in Texas isn’t a very good day. We’re still in freezing temps and a lot of us don’t have power or water. I’m doing my best to keep all of the devices charged and put fresh batteries in Tums’ night lights. And of course I have candles to light up the whole dang apt if I needed to. So I’m trying my best to keep things that make me happy close by.

Here’s 3 ways I protect my energy;

| Surround yourself with things that lift your spirits

For me it’s a favorite candle or wax melt lit around me while I read and a cup of iced coffee. It’s music that makes me feel good. It’s sight, sense, smell and hearing of all things that make me happy. It’s walking around Target by myself. It’s taking myself to eat at my favorite place. It’s stepping into a book store. I’m attracted to books, pretty colors and cute pastries. I know that sounds super simple.

But find the “super simple” things that bring you joy and spend time there when you feel like you need to re-balance yourself.

| Do one thing that puts you in a meditative state

I took up adult coloring books a few years ago and didn’t realize it could be used as a form of meditation, but I did have a lot of fun with it and I loved how all my pages ended up. I’m not sure why I stopped.

But I did discover there were adult coloring book apps! And that’s been super fun. I’ve been working on shading and lighting with it. I love that they offer different brush textures without actually physically having them. And watercolor is definitely less messy lol.

Another thing I do is play video games; I loveeee gathering and crafting in any game. I’m so use to knowing where my mats (materials) are on the FFXIV map that I use very little thinking power to get through gathering then back to my house in game and craft. I usually put on music and it’s just a super relaxing process for me. I enjoy it so much and I feel much better after awhile (plus making money on an MMORPG is never a waste of time lol).

Same with Animal Crossing New Horizon; the fact we can now gather and craft is THE BEST THING to me. But also pulling out weeds or fishing. I LOVE fishing on video games as well.

I’ve lost my touch on actually meditating and it’s pretty hard to get back into when you don’t live alone anymore and there’s a toddler running around. So I’ve had to find other ways to meditate that makes it look like mommy’s freakin busy ok?

But this can literally be anything to anyone; cleaning, lifting, running, find the thing that helps you.

| Call up a friend who makes you feel like your soul just hit refresh

My person is my brother ThisWae or Sean, as I know him. There’s just something about being around him and his energy that makes me feel like my energy just hit refresh. And people can say what they want about him/how he appears but this dude seriously has helped me through so much; from encouraging me to learn to meditate, constantly encouraging me to get up and work, for reminding me that he thinks I’m dope af every time I feel like the world doesn’t need me. And he’s suggested books and podcasts and all kinds of things to help me with my mental health. Oh, and he’s always ready to get up in someone’s face the second they say anything bad about me.

I also have my girls, who are always there to make me laugh and let me vent until I’m out of air if I needed to.

But if you don’t have people like that in your life (cause I’ve been there too); if you have a favorite streamer or youtuber whos content puts your in a better mood or a tv show, that also is a helpful boost.

I’ve even gone as far as going through the people I follow on social media and made sure my feed is one that bursts with creativity and positivity. Even making little changes like that make a difference.

| Stick to your boundaries

Bonus, and the most important one.

When it comes to your space and your energy, it’s important to keep your boundaries. I know this can be hard because sometimes eliminating the people who feel toxic and make you feel drained and foggy may be family members. And you may want to stay out of drama; but being around people who feel like they suck the energy out of you isn’t good either. All it does is build irritation and resentment, especially if you’re aware.

Boundaries are especially important now during this pandemic since it’s becoming clear who takes covid seriously and who doesn’t. Who has you and your family’s best interest at heart and who doesn’t. It’s not worth risking the health of you and your family to “keep peace”.

YOU are YOUR first priority; cause at the end of the day, at the end of this life, it’s just going to be you, your thoughts and the choices you made. No one is going to be with you six feet under buried with you.

So make sure that this life, the only life we get, is as clear of negativity as much as possible.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m sleepy; well not sleepy but kinda drained. Woke up yesterday sneezing like crazy (and for the rest of the day) and feeling sick. I had a huge cry fest the day before so I figured maybe it was just a side effect of that. I took NyQuil last night anyway, just in case. And I feel a lot better today, just… drained.

This weekend has been a bit of an eye opening experience and I had thought to move this blog to a self hosted place but seeing how hard I worked on it so far and how far it’s come, I just couldn’t. I will link this new blog I did set up anyway, but I think it’ll house more of my harder mental health things.

2021 is about courage, right?

So let’s talk Shadow Work.

If you’re unfamiliar with what that is, I included a link where you can read about it. Author gets extra points for going on a mini rant about Darth Vader (Anakin, I still hate you). I haven’t done much talking about Paganism here… or really anywhere. Despite it being almost 20 years since. I guess I’m still… I don’t know. The space I’m in now, I don’t feel like I’m free to 100% be myself. I feel like if I step out of this box that I’m put in of “who I am” (or who they think I am), they accuse me of not being myself. As if someone else can tell you who YOU are. These, btw are the people who need to do shadow work. Or get therapy. Definitely get help.

I love things that make me think about my soul, does that sound weird? Like things that bring triggers to my attention without triggering me. Okay that made less sense. Just, roll with me here. I came across an article this morning that made me think about things. Obviously when someone gives birth, a lot of things in your body changes. However with me it wasn’t JUST my body that changed, it was pretty much my spirit too. I don’t know how to explain it without going into a whole rampage about it.

Point is, this weekend made me think about a few things and a few other things I need to address with myself and find solutions to. Shadow Work is something I’ve always known I’d have to face eventually but just never wanted to willingly go there. If it came up, ok. But to actually willingly dive into things? I’m getting drained just thinking about it.

But the thing about being around people who aren’t like me is the constant reminder that I’m not like them. I don’t go around destroying other people to make myself feel better. And why? Because I’m insane about self reflection. I can tell you every single one of my flaws proudly because they make me who I am. I can tell you my strengths because they too make me who I am. I can tell you why I do/respond the way I do. I’m as transparent as tracing paper and yes, that’s not an easy combo when you’re also sensitive af but I’d honestly rather be sensitive and transparent and get hurt than be a whole soul of bad juju that goes around getting a kick out of hurting other people. Cause that’s not ok. That’s not what family does. At fuckin all.

So in this week, moment, month, year — whatever — of newly found self reflection and shadow work; I need to remember that even though it’ll bring back a lot of dark and bad memories that I will be okay. I have an amazingly strong support system that is always right behind me.

And beyond that, I’m from the hood. I can handle anything.