Bit of a late MMM post this week; accidently on purpose fell asleep with Tums during her nap. But I did wake up to boba and Chipotle so that was super nice.
This song has been on repeat for awhile now. And yes, I yet have still to watch the movie.
Feeling safe enough to be yourself unfiltered: a love language.
As I get older I’m shocked to see what are things I thought were my love language are really just shallow preferences. And it makes me wonder; if me and my ex husband didn’t split when we did, would our relationship had only got worse? By the time we split he wasn’t my ride or die anymore. He discouraged more than encouraged and it hurt every time he did. Or would make some backhand comment the second my personality shifted, knowing that it tends to shift a lot. He use to learn things on Photoshop just so he could teach me.
He never censored me though, ever. If his mom or friends had something to say about me and “my attitude” he’d defend it. It wasn’t until the end I felt filtered. But even then he told members to fuck off and leave me alone.
My life since then has just been a big blob of: people who don’t know me so they try to silence me because they don’t like that I talk about uncomfortable topics. Like mental health. Loss. Or they just think my dark humor “isn’t funny”. Well no bitch, it’s really not suppose to be. But it IS funny to those of us who suffer every damn day so back off. Pop a Xanax and mind ya business.
There is such a huge stigma against mental health. And instead of trying to hear people out, you try to silence them. Only encouraging that stigma. And do you know how hard it is for people to find help for their mental health as it is? How expensive and how many different routes you have to take JUST to find help?? Why would you want to make it harder on someone than it already is?
I honestly feel uncomfortable when people talk about God and Jesus this and that. But I have never told someone not to. Or commented on their posts. I literally just keep scrolling. It takes 2 seconds, to just keep. scrolling.
Thank goodness for the internet and the mental health community. Seriously.
This week I want to manifest a reminder to speak my truth. A reminder of my why: so that other people don’t have to feel unheard or unseen.
My Cricut came in last weekend and I’ve been nonstop messing with the Cricut program, doing test prints and watching endless amounts of YouTube videos and TikToks (I even made a TikTok account for my crafting stuff @ siinfulart).
I’m finding that I expect myself to know how to use a product I have zero experience with. And I know where this mind set stems from — it’s the same reason why I get frustrated with myself when it comes to Photoshop CC.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong confidence. There’s nothing wrong with having high expectations of yourself. But not allowing yourself to fail and learn because “this should be easy to understand” is not helping you, it’s hindering you and any progress you could be making.
I pride myself on pushing myself out of every comfort zone I can find; physically. I didn’t realize I had some inner ones to work on.
I don’t think most people realize when you give birth, even your mind changes and re-adapting to it really fuckin sucks sometimes. I feel like I don’t even know who I am most days.
So this week I will allow myself to fail. I will allow myself to make mistakes. To learn through those processes.
No, this isn’t suppose to be easy. And that is totally okay. 2021 was suppose to be about learning, growth and trying to find yourself again. Allowing myself to fail and fail hard is part of the process 💕.
What is something you want to manifest this week? Let me know in the comments below 👇🏻.
I love these; really wish I knew what to search for when it comes to the cute illustrations on Canva!
I’m feeling a bit neither here or there today. The weekend was a bit of a blur. I am feeling a little discouraged but this is how I work sadly. I get super obsessed and excited about a project idea… then I kind of… debate quitting. The only thing that’s never happened with is blogging. But blogging/journaling has always been my personal therapy so it probably isn’t seen as a project in my head? I’m not sure.
This week I’m manifesting a little bit of self care.
I find that if I tend to stray away from talking on the phone or verbally talking to my bff’s I get like this more often lol. Doesn’t help that they both have super time consuming jobs (a firefighter and a mental health wing nurse), the time zones don’t help either but this is adulthood.
I have also stopped Saging and it’s been a bit since I’ve done aromatherapy. I don’t even remember the last time I took a bubble bath — I’m not sure why all of these things I loved have slipped away from me suddenly.
If you’re struggling like I am lately; here’s your reminder to take some time for you this week. No one’s got you like you got you. So it has to be some sort of priority that you take care of yourself, for your sake and sanity.
I hope to remember to Sage more this week, to read a new book, take a walk on the treadmill at the gym (I find it soothing) and squeeze in a bath this week (I got myself a Sleepy bath gift set for myself this weekend from LUSH).
What are some ways you’re hoping to indulge in a bit of self care?
Five years ago today was THE MOST traumatic experience of my entire life. I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy. From the moment my ex saw the positive symbols on the test he was hell bent on terminating the pregnancy. Didn’t ask me how I felt, or what I wanted. Within those 3 weeks was a lot of emotional and mental abuse. Every time I tried to protest that I didn’t want to terminate it and that I had been tracking its growth, that it would be wrong to do that, he would start fights with me. He would belittle me and be cruel. Once he slammed me on the floor.
And before you can say “you had choices. You could had gotten out”. I don’t think most people realize how scary it is to be somewhere where the person you’re with has built this facade and that no one would believe you. That you were too far from anyone you knew to come save you. Or that you were too scared to let people know what was happening. I was throwing up a minimum of 3 times every single day, I couldn’t keep food down, how could I have had energy to beat this dude with a pipe?
The day of wasn’t any better. It was Father’s Day in 2016, he left me home alone to deal with it by myself while he went to celebrate with his grandparents. He didn’t pay the phone bill that week so my phone was shut off. Thank goodness I had Google Voice, it was the only way my parents could message me. They couldn’t even call to check on me. This was before I realized you could text AND call on Facebook Messenger but ever since I found that out I’ve been using it over SMS even if now my mom handles my phone plan to ensure that never happens again.
I fell into something dark. I didn’t know what Postpartum Depression was back then, but I’m sure I was there. I used FFXIV as an escape from reality for months. I just didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. And I definitely didn’t want to be touched or around my ex anymore.
I’m sad for myself that my first pregnancy experience was so shitty. And my second and third ones weren’t all that great either. Every pregnancy brought a whole new set of trauma with it. I’ll always wonder who this baby would had been. They would had been 5 this year.
And yes, I did leave my ex as quickly as I could after this happened. He didn’t understand why I was being distant (as if he was really that dumb) and I made the move to move back to Orlando where I knew he wouldn’t actually move there with me. I lived my best life the year after this happened, I did a lot of soul searching and self repair. But this is something I’ll never forget.
Tums had a restless night so I had a restless night. She also somehow managed to turn off the touch pad on my laptop. How? I have no effen idea but it’s a thing. And it took me half the night and Google to figure out how to undo it. It shoulda been common sense to me, but it was and it wasn’t.
You are dope. You are capable. Fuck anyone who says anything different.
That’s it. That’s all I have the energy to manifest this week lol. But it’s all I need to focus on myself and my new business. I’m working on the blog cause it keeps breaking on me and my kuya and his “FIX IT” pep talks lol.
I hope you all have a productive and mindful week ahead!
I wanted to do more self care for myself this year and this is something I had planned since last year-ish and just didn’t go through with. But monthly I wanted to do something big for myself. Be it a massage or a facial or something relaxing and just for me. I do get adjusted weekly and I try to eat better when I can. I watch Tums all day so I’ve tried to for us to do active things like dance or play kick ball in the room. It’s a way for us to stay active while still being indoors and a chance for me to teach her how to do things. It’s crazy the things you have to teach a child but super interesting, especially since WE can’t remember what that was like.
So this month I decided to get a massage at a spa I’ve been wanting to go to. I’ve never 1) been to a spa and 2) ever got a legit massage where you’re on a table and everything. Despite working at high end Disney resorts. Man, that sounds sad lol.
I went and checked in and the ladies showed me where to go and what to do — so there’s a dressing room with vanity mirrors, bathrooms, lockers and whatever a steam shower was. I saw a few people using it, but I didn’t really understand the concept.
They provide these super comfy heavy robes (that I literally could just fall asleep in) and slippers (I opted to just keep my shoes). I was then told to go to the waiting room which had the most tranquil vibe. I swear, the whole back area was like being in a sound bath or something. I loved it.
I couldn’t think of another title and that scene has been living rent free in my head for weeks. A lot has been going on here, mostly stuff I don’t talk about cause I don’t know how while still being “a blogger”. As much as I love how blogging has evolved over the years… I also hate it. I’m sure I’ve talked about this before.
I’m a clutter bug. I think it’s part of my OCD — to hoard things sometimes. I get it from my mama. No, foreal. But I try really hard to be as bad as she is. But I remember having stock piles when I still lived at home because I didn’t want to run out of something, esp if it was my favorite something. I let that habit go when I did the DCP because it was hard to get to the store and it was hard to keep up a stock pile and the apartments were so small. And this did tug at my soul a bit because of just how hard things were. But, I survived. I didn’t start trying to stock pile things again until the pandemic happened and everyone was buying out the disinfectant wipes — I literally can’t go a day without them. My OCD won’t let me.
Having a toddler also makes things look more… cluttered. And she cycles through toys so often that it gets overwhelming so this past weekend I finally went and got bookshelves so I can unpack my boxes of books. As well as tidy the shelves in the office and the closet. I’m still working on things but the space feels so much lighter already. I unhauled a ton of books that I need to go sell. I’m still a loss on what to do with her toys. She has this big bin for all the small stuff, and you’d think clean up would be easy. Just throw everything in. But some things she doesn’t want in there. she gets super particular which is fine, I can relate. I switched her play tent to face the other way and she about flipped tf out. She was crying and refused to come in her room. And that’s when I learned my daughter is a creature of habit, like I am.
I also ordered a bunch of candles I don’t need but wanted. I’m usually mostly drawn to Bath & Body Works candles but lately it seems like their prices have gone up while their quality has gone down. I’m finding that not even half way through the burn they’re already losing their scent/throw. So I bought some candles from DW Home since they released this years summer scents as well as some from Goose Creek. I also got Zeep Bath wax melts like I do every summer. Their stuff is some of my fav! I usually post about candle stuff on hazearella. If you’re into that stuff. I have the DW Home Salted Caramel Latte candle (that looks like an actual coffee cup) on my desk right now and it’s so strong lol. But I’m excited about the progress of purging things and sorting things.
Do you remember who you were before someone tried to tell you who you are?
No one knows us better than we know ourselves, despite what anyone thinks or wants to believe. They don’t live in your head or soul, they can’t hear your inner thoughts, they only know what they see on the outside.
So why do we let other people dictate who we are. What we do. What we’re capable of? It’s easy to listen to someone on the outside, and I’m still trying to figure out why and how that is. It’s frustrating af. But apparently knowing this doesn’t make it easier to stop letting it happen. Not everyone has the best intentions for you — no matter who they are in your life. Some people just don’t want to see other people, esp those close to them win or do better than they are.
This has been heavy on my mind this last week. I’m diving into a project I’ve been thinking of for literally over 12 years but just never had the courage to actually do. It’s amazing what having the right people around you can convince you that you can do anything. I realize every time I feel myself holding back and wondering why. What am I so scared of? It’s not like any of this is new or harder than anything else I’ve done. It’s just, different.
I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone this year. I feel like I’ve been stagnant the whole time I’ve been in TX and it’s making my soul itch. I really want to talk about what I’ve been working on but it’s also been why posts have slowed down around here as well. I’ll link my instagram for it soon!
It’s been raining here all week. Yesterday it got up to 80* and my Floridan self regret not wearing shorts. The heat here is like CA. It just HITS you. It’s not humidity which feels like a warm hug from inside a marshmallow.
Into The Unknown from Frozen II has been living rent free in my head all week. Unpopular opinion: Frozen II was way better and WAY more empowering than Frozen I. I think I’m one of the few who don’t care too dive too much into Elsa and Anna’s past/parents. I’d much rather know who the fuck raised Hans. But there was something magical about this addition to the franchise, and I surprise myself by saying that since I worked at Disney when Frozen came out and when I say you could not escape Let it Go on stage I mean it. Living in Orlando didn’t help either because it played everywhere. Even at Target and Publix. Like pls Elsa, can I just grocery shop without you following me?!?
But a part of me feels like this song is speaking to my soul.
Every time I’ve moved away from Florida, I’ve hated it. I feel my soul start to ache and dull. I’m not inspired. I’m not cheerful. I don’t know how to explain it, but spiritually, I just don’t feel good. I will forever long to be back in Florida; it’s a place I made into a home, for myself. And I suppose people who’ve never done that for themselves couldn’t relate to what that means. But that doesn’t excuse them from preventing others from doing what their soul tells them. I mention this topic a lot, because to me, it’s important. YOU have ONE life. A life that is YOURS and NO ONE ELSES.
I know that’s MUCH easier said than done, but I’ve always went in the direction that I felt the most pull towards. I told myself as a kid I wouldn’t live life with regrets — I grew up with my dad swearing he was dying for at least 25 years before he was actually diagnosed with cancer. I never understood how someone just flat out refused to live freely and constantly decided to live in fear. I told myself I wouldn’t waste my life away in a small town in California. So I didn’t. Yet somehow I’m finding myself stuck in a small town in Texas that’s far worse than American Canyon could ever be. Stuck, and alone. With no friends and no family. Would I trade it for CA? I want to say no, but I do miss the food and my friends and family. I haven’t been home in 10 years. I’ve been too busy living life, but ever since my dad did pass I’ve also felt a pull to go home. To say my goodbye’s. Even if I think he won’t hear me.
Small towns kill dreamers.
That’s for sure. And constantly having this song on repeat has reminded me I’m not some small town girl. I’m not someone who doesn’t dream. I dream BIG and OFTEN and that’s who I have always and who I will always be. Just because now I’m a mom as well means nothing. That shouldn’t stop me from being who I AM. To do anything else just sounds fuckin ridiculous. We should be raising stronger, smarter and much more driven women in the world. And I refuse to ever contain my daughter or her dreams.
This week I want to manifest;
A reminder of who I am. A reminder of what I am. And a reminder of what I’m fully capable of.
I’ve learned that people don’t really like or want to respect other peoples boundaries. For some reason the people who set boundaries are often called unreasonable or experience verbal abuse for having them. I don’t really understand why or why it bothers so many people the way it does. You are the creator and the maintainer of your own life. This life is no one but yours. So you should be the one to call all the shots, no matter what they are. But some of us don’t like conflict and so we let other people slide by treating us the way we don’t want to be treated just to “keep the peace”. Your boundaries tell people how to treat you. And that’s something that took me a long time to learn. And it wasn’t something I would let someone else push aside once I had Tums. And my boundaries were and sometimes still are pushed to the side. But if there’s one thing I don’t let slide anymore, it’s that if you push me, I push back. I refuse to settle for being pushed just to “keep the peace”. My boundaries insure my peace of mind, everything else is just in my way.
Ironically it wasn’t until my second set of in laws that seemed to have a problem with me and my way of life that I realized how much of my own boundaries I would bend for the sake of “looks” and “pleasing others”. And thinking back on it, omg, what was I thinking by allowing people to think certain things that were okay when they really really were not. The difference between my two sets of in laws is that at least the first set took the years and time to get to know me, and know how I work. So if I said no to something, even if they didn’t agree with it they didn’t question it either and just chalked it up to “that’s just how she is” and never tried to change or pressure me into anything else. It wasn’t the end of the world if I didn’t want to show up to their house for whatever reason. And if I was having a fight with my sister in law then it was just between me and my sister in law; it wasn’t some big family lets-jump-this-person. Most of the time her parents stayed completely out of it if me and her were having problems. And it’s still like that today, if I’m mad at my sister, I’m mad at her. Not her mom, not her dad, not her brother. Her. And WE handle it. Without inviting the rest of the family to join in. Well that and her family would never spread rumors about me. So. Wait, her bother — my ex husband — has. But you know what, he went through a lot, so I’ll let him have that.
4 boundaries that count as self care;
| Saying No As a kid who grew up in a Filipino household I always questioned the whole “I’m the adult, you have to respect me” ideal. I remember asking my mom at 6/7 “isn’t respect suppose to be earned and mutual…?” and she didn’t have a response. But it was one of those “adult” things that kind of stayed with me my whole life, for sure.
Filipino’s are SO BIG on appearances and what people think of them. Everyone just wants to appear better than the next person. Why? I freakin have no idea considering most of them grew up in the same poverty stricken neighborhood. But hey, whatever makes them feel better about themselves. It definitely bothered my mom that I didn’t take my “appearance” seriously enough for her.
I said no to dresses a lot and yes to boy clothes, video games and jeans. Being bullied about my skinny legs my whole life can do that and dresses did not make me feel comfortable, at all. Not until I was in my 30’s. And living in hot ass Florida.
It should be obvious that it’s your body, your life, your peace of mind that you need to protect. But too often we’re caught up in what our boundaries might look like to other people instead of figuring out that we should only be around people who respect our boundaries. And yes, there is a huge difference between the two. And while I get it’s easier said than done, your tribe should really understand you as a person and that just because you say no, it doesn’t have anything to do with them personally.
| Setting aside “self care” time daily/weekly When Tums was still super little — like couldn’t walk yet little — I made it a point to always set time aside for myself. I didn’t want to be one of those new moms who never showered or did anything for herself. So I often took time to take bubble baths and set aside every Sunday for myself — which is something I’ve been doing since way before I even met my husband. Now that Tums can walk and talk and understand things a bit, it’s been a little harder to find time to take bubble baths. And because of COVID it’s been hard to set aside Sunday’s for myself.
So now I try to find other ways to set aside “self care” time. Be in watching a few episodes of a show I’m looking forward to before bed. Or finding time to do a page out of a digital coloring book or even just playing a few rounds of Freecell or something before going to sleep. I do miss taking the time to play Animal Crossing or FFXIV. And I even just bought Story of Seasons for the Switch and haven’t made it passed the intro yet. But I’m working on that.
Setting aside “me time” is so important and often super looked over. There’s a bit of guilt in it, esp if you’re a (new) mom. But finding/remembering who YOU are is also a super important thing to consider when these sort of times come around. Finding self care time helps to keep you balanced and can play a part in your self confidence as well as prevent burn out. As much as I love being around other people, if I don’t get enough self care time with myself, I start to get super irritable.
| Kicking out people in your life who don’t contribute to your well being This is def easier said than done and it’s probably one of the harder ones on this list.
I wish I could fully explain in words why this is so important. But I can’t. We as people like to be accepted, even if we know those we seek acceptance from aren’t even good for us. Or that the effort is worthless. But it doesn’t stop us from trying because we want to be liked, accepted and loved. And we feel like the people in front of us are as good as it gets. But that’s not true, at all. Making friends can be really hard, esp now during this whole COVID thing; but settling for people who don’t contribute to your well being is going to do nothing but hurt you more as time goes on.
I’ve had my share of friendemies and let met tell you — even now, almost 20 years later — sometimes I still get mad about the things I let certain people get away with. I was super insecure and shy as a kid and I hate that I let people take advantage of me or try to tell me who I was which looking back was just a projection of their own insecurities. Which is hard to see when it’s happening; but if you feel anyone isn’t contributing to your well being, it’s your right to kick them out and deny them access to your space.
| Having needs that are uncompromisable You learn a lot from having mental health struggles and especially with OCD. The fact that I need things at home to be a certain way is a lot, I get it. And for the longest time I felt like because of these things that no one could ever live with me or everyone would eventually leave. I’ve been around people who truly didn’t believe OCD was real and made me feel absolutely awful about my anxiety. So I decided to live alone because no one could make me feel bad if no one was here and it was great. The most stress free I had ever been.
Bubba might not get some of the things, but he does everything he can to make sure my mental health isn’t spiraling out of control. Most of the time. He gets I freak out about certain things. I was so worried about Tums having to “grow up with an OCD mom” but to be honest, she doesn’t mind having to clean. She knows certain things make me upset so she tries to help as much as she can understand. But neither of them make me feel like I’m hard to love or live with. My BFF is also really aware of the things that freak me out when it comes to my OCD and is absolutely considerate when it comes to it without question.
This kind of ties in with the last one; but find people who care if you’re comfortable. Find people who get it and won’t accuse you of “being/doing too much”. Having needs that aren’t up for debate or compromise are things you’re allowed to have.
But also be mindful of the things other people set as their boundaries as well; my BFF will make plans with me super in advanced and will cancel at least like 80% of those plans and that’s just who she is. Sometimes she just doesn’t want to physically be around people. Sometimes she goes off the grid. And that’s totally fine.
Finding your people who respect your boundaries is possible. Don’t just settle for the people around you because they’re there. Esp if they make you feel bad about yourself.