Hello November

I gave up on these posts awhile ago because I was getting discouraged about not even feeling like setting goals. But if I want to get back to my old self, I’m going to have to make a change myself. I feel like I spent most of 2022 just worried and upset. I’m not sure how much of the year I can salvage and at least get a few goals checked off. But doesn’t hurt to try!

| Set up the Christmas tree

This should had already been done but it’s not. I did get a tree, I just haven’t cleared space to put it up yet. I plan to before Thanksgiving at least… hopefully it’ll help my mental health.

| Catch up on October Reading Challenge TBR

I’m so sad I spent most of Oct depressed and didn’t even start on any of my October Reading Challenge books. This is my favorite tradition for myself and I get so bummed when I skip a year.

| Bake something festive

Planning on putting my KitchenAid to use this season. Not sure what I’m going to bake just yet… but I really want to bake something this year.

| Disney+ movie night

Disenchanted comes out this month and I still need to watch the live action Aladdin as well as Mulan. I know, I’m super behind.

| Enjoy family days

Family days are a lot more fun now that Tums is a full on child. I mean it’s not fun when she wants half the store but it is fun to have days out with her. We have some family days I’m looking forward to this month that I’m pretty excited about. And some Christmas stuff we have planned for Tums (and let’s be real, me as well).

| Catch up on gaining needed weight

Because I spent most of this pregnancy depressed, I’m wayyyy behind on the weight gain part of it all. I barely ate in October and as my tummy grows and stretches, it’s starting to become incredibly uncomfortable. I’m trying to do what I can to spend the rest of this pregnancy calm and not stressed out so that the baby won’t be stressed out and the labor will *hopefully* be as easy as it was with Tums. Though I guess that would be asking for a lot at this point.

I really need to find a way to stop feeling horrible about myself and my situation. It’s obviously not the best and it’s not ideal and I sure as hell hate spending the holidays pregnant but it is what it is, the most I can do is learn from it and be more aware of other people and their intentions. No matter who they are or how long I’ve known them.

| Get a prenatal massage

I don’t know if it’s just because I’m older this time around but my back has been killing me more than usual… but mostly in the mid back and not the lower back that usually bothers me. I’m sure getting a nice prenatal massage would be really relaxing and I love the spa I would go to to get massages. They have this aromatherapy thing going on as well and it was always so relaxing. I really want to get back into doing monthly massages like I use to.

I’m hoping November will be a better month for me than October was.

What are some of your November goals?

Brain Dump | Where to even start…

This year has been crazy… and not really in the best kind of way.

Lying about things and keeping secrets isn’t something I do, ever. So it was hard for me to function after a while… the things I was holding in just grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t really talk about it and I couldn’t write about it. Then things personally started getting worse and within that time frame I found and figured out my worth. What I would and would not ever stand for and I found that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, knowing them is something completely different. I would say I feel deceived but perhaps I need to re-evaluate my self toxic trait of being driven by emotion and find a way to be driven more by logic instead.

I filed for divorce earlier this year and that resulted in my 3 year old bouncing between houses. Which she seemed to cope with pretty well, though it started to get to the point where she would ask where her dad was or why wasn’t dad here. She asked me to spend Halloween with them which is fair, it’s my favorite holiday and my (ex) husband wouldn’t say no. The thing about him is that everything that had to do with this divorce was for it to work in my favor. I’m extremely lucky for that.

We separated earlier in the year; a few months later I found myself pregnant despite not really wanting any more kids. It was hard to hide my nausea and even harder to lie to my kid every time she asked if I “had a baby in my belly”. Meanwhile I found myself fighting more and more with the dad of his kid and all of it was just starting to weigh down on me. People close to me were telling me not to tell my husband because he would “for sure take full custody of our daughter” and so that fear stopped me from telling him even though I really wanted to.

Continue reading “Brain Dump | Where to even start…”

Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…

I’m craving a Tootsie Pop… and not even a flavor I typically reach for.

I know I said I wouldn’t do another one of these after the last one, but it seems like life had other plans for my time.

There’s a lot I still can’t say so I don’t know why I’m even writing this since it’s probably going to be pointless and cryptic… I guess to let you guys (who still read this) know I’m still here. Just not… here.

I can’t believe August is already over and Fall is right around the corner. I’m hoping to beat nausea soon so I can enjoy all the Fall snacks. It’s looking like this last part of 2022 isn’t going to fall into the places I had hoped it would… but maybe this is just a sign. I’m taking it as a sign at least and not calling this a loss. It’s just… on back order for lack of better phrase.

Continue reading “Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…”

Monthly Favs | June 2022

Monthly Favs | June 2022

I miss doing these posts and YouTube videos. It’s always nice to look back and see what your favorite things were throughout the year. I don’t think I discovered much “new” stuff in June, but I know I had a lot of favorites. Let’s jump right into it… before I get distracted lol.

Most of the list consists of food but you know what. That’s fine. We’re here for the foodie pics lol.

Red Bull

I definitely ended up kick starting my obsession with energy drinks again. But this time with Red Bull. Energy drinks usually don’t do anything for me but lately these have made me feel like I can do all the things. And it makes me want to do all the things. It’s just drinking it at 3am to game all night is not the move. I’m getting old ya’ll.

Continue reading “Monthly Favs | June 2022”

Brain Dump | Back On This BS

I had every intention to write an actual blog post the next time I updated but for some reason I just couldn’t finish any of the blog posts I’d start. I kept censoring myself because ironically in 2022 I learned the luxury of privacy and I’m actual kind of… enjoying it.

I’ve always been a transparent open book; you can’t start rumors or shit talk me because everything you could possibly say is already written in a blog somewhere publicly for anyone to read. It doesn’t stop people from trying though. But those who know me, at all, know that if it were really worth something listening to *I* would had already said something before anyone else and anything outside of that is a rumor and a lie.

My first ex husband and I had a rule: don’t ask, don’t tell.

We were entitled to our privacy and our choice if there was something we really didn’t feel like talking about right then and there. And for a good decade, it worked out really well for us. It taught me however to avoid the truth. I don’t like to lie, ever. And I don’t lie about anything significant. I use to lie a lot growing up and do you know how draining it is to remember lies? I can’t be bothered now as an adult to remember shit like that so I just don’t lie. Plus, again, I’m an open book. What do you want to know? I’ll be happy to tell you. Own who you are. Own your mistakes. Your demons. Your trauma. Cause if you do, that’s a power no one can take from you.

There are a lot of things happening in my life right now that I can not wait to talk about when I finally can/want to. I’ve been reminded just how solid and how loyal my support system is. I have been reminded how much my family cares about me despite “not being close”. They are loyal. They are hands down ride or die’s and they would, no matter how long time has passed, always have my back with whatever I need. No questions, no judgment and no record keeping.

I’m reminded of how much my bff loves me. He’s always been really compassionate and protective over me. And it’s crazy that twenty two years later he’s still just as protective. Just as willing to do whatever he can to make sure I’m okay and taken care of. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friendship like this, but I am beyond thankful for it. I’m mid key thankful he saved my life as kids lol; sometimes I wonder why I even listened to his pleas to make me put the pills down. To get me to go to church. To convince me to keep holding on. I’m truly lucky to have so many people care so much about me. That distance doesn’t matter, I’m never alone. To have people blow up my phone just to make sure I took my meds, I ate today, I filled orders.

My whole gaming set up has been upgraded. The whole thing. The downside is I’m realizing my PC doesn’t have USB 3.0 so I can’t get my capture card to register. So no Nintendo streams until I fix that. But I have been streaming again and I actually streamed a new demo game that I’m pretty excited about. I do need to figure something out about the lighting in my office cause with the webcam it’s not the best. It kind of annoys me. And I need to find speakers because despite having a gaming monitor, it does not have speakers. Make it make sense. I’m planning a relaunch for my shop in August by my one year anniversary. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year!

I need to start getting to work! Hope you are all doing well!

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck lately. Like in some weird whack ass limbo space and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. It feels like I’m fighting against a current to just do anything remotely productive.

Maybe I’m just supposed to chill. Maybe I’m just supposed to rest. Plan my next move.

But I’m the type to never rest.

I hate taking naps. I hate wasting a whole day doing nothing. I hate waking up late.

I always feel like I should be doing and achieving more. I feel like there’s so much to learn and see to sleep.

Thinking of this weird space as a setback is also messing with my mental health. I’m spending way too much time worried about why and how did I get here. And not enough time focusing on what to do now. Life is going to keep moving forward, with or without you. Life, time, the universe… it doesn’t wait for anyone.

This week I want to focus on taking better care of myself. Eating better. Sleeping better. Planning out my day better. Once I figure that part out, I can figure out the rest. But for now; the first two really need to be a priority.

What’s something you want to focus on this week?

Brain Dump | This Shi Again

I have a forever pimple on my scalp and it’s really making the left side of my head hurt? I don’t know how to explain it. But I should probably stop fuckin with it. A friend told me recently I need to stop cussing so much in my posts cause it makes it lose its integrity. Fuck that. Freedom of speech mf. Keep scrolling if you’re bothered.

My daily routine of Cherry Cokes have no been replaced with mf Red Bull. So over the last 2 weeks I’ve been at an 8 and my poor cousin has had to suffer while my mind is running a mile a second. But I’ve never felt this awake in years so I’m going to bask in the fact that I’m not some weird underlying type of tired. Why did I stay away from these again?

I’m in a weird limbo state in my life — I want to talk about it but I kind of can’t. But then I don’t think I ever want to talk about it either? It’s such a weird thing. It tests my ability to be transparent and I hate that.\

Me: Ahhh! There’s a CRICKET in the grass!
Thiswae: DO YOU SEE THE RED FLAG ITS HOLDING UP MF?!

Gotta love when my brother refuses to let me escape a subject. Mf. There’s a fine line between coming at someone from a place of empathy and love and just being a straight up controlling bitch. It’s a very fine line. But let’s talk about control. Like what’s up with that? LET PEOPLE BE THEM. At the end of the day, they’ll do whatever tf they want. AS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO. Why come into someone’s life just to tell them what to do? Just to mold them into who you want? Go get you a block of clay with that shit.

Jealousy is toxic
Insecurities are toxic

Fite me.

And if you cared about someone you would address this shit and not just go behind their back and not say shit. By all means, do whatever strokes your ego, but don’t be upset when it results in trust being broken. That’s on you. Handle that insecurity or whatever it is before coming to someone. I swear, the older people get, the DUMBER they are. I need to surround myself with people who are TRULY committed to self-improvement, productivity and mf shadow work. I have trauma only works for so long. GET. IT. TOGETHER. Or go find people who are on the same spiritual level as you. Cause the rest of us do not have the patience to do your healing for you.

I think for the rest of May I’m going to work on Marie Condo-ing my entire life. I’ll keep you all updated on how that goes.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It always amazes me how people react to your boundaries. How pressed some people get when you stand strong by them. And it’s always so strange when it happens. Mostly because why does what I allow into my space upset you so much?! The reaction doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it’s just because other people’s boundaries don’t upset me? I don’t know. Everyone has their own preferences, their own ideals and their own perception of things. Isn’t that what free will is?!

Then again I have no desire to control anyone.
Ok maybe I do, but you know, that’s a different story.
But even then, I truly don’t. That’s just me being petty.

It blows my mind how long I went refusing to see my worth. Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? At the end of it all, it was me who refused to see my own worth. It was me who thought I deserved less than what I truly do deserve. And although it was external opinions that got me here, I should had known better. No one knows you better than you know yourself.

I know a lot of my MMM posts tend to revolve around the same ideas/ideals but this is just a realistic look at how often we have to remind ourselves of our worth. Of our progress. Of how often we have to find ways to hold ourselves accountable to remember that we’re worthy of more.

So this week (even if I’m writing/posting this on Thursday, work with me here) I want to remind myself that accepting my worth will mean losing people. But the people I lose are really not a loss at all. And if people can’t respect your boundaries or care about your well being, they’re not worthy of having a spot in your life or in your energy.

Brain Dump | The Steady Struggle

I’ll be honest, nothing too new has been happening. I’ve settled into a sort of comfortable routine. One that makes it so I get my daughter for a week then her dad gets her for a week and on and on and on. It is strange on the weeks she’s not with me. And the week that she is, I feel like they go by way too fast. But she’s settled into our normal routine from before all of this happened.

I’ve jumped back on FFXIV as I’ve mentioned before. I got my Weaver to 90 and I’m still nowhere near Endwalker. My Fisher is about to hit 90 as well. I just really don’t enjoy doing MSQ. I know I should get it done though if I want to experience the new area’s. I heard Cozy Grove got a DLC update and I don’t even know when was the last time I turned my Switch Lite on. I did get CG for the PS5 too so I could stream. But we’ll see. I also picked up a few cute indie games. Still want Kingdom Hearts though and since my PS5 is digital only, I’ll have to re-buy it (I don’t mind digital only honestly — most of my games on my PSN are digital because I move so much. It wouldn’t make sense to have a ton of physical games).

My BFF is house hunting in my area but he hasn’t decided if he likes or dislikes Texas. He wants to invest in buying a house here because compared to California it’s ridiculously cheap and if he’s able to pay it off quickly he can turn it into an Air B&B or rent it out. And with as many people trying to move to TX as there is, it’s a pretty smart move. If you have the money to do it.

Along with that though, I’ve been reminded of things within the Filipino culture I never really paid much attention to. But the more time I witness my BFF and his own parents interaction, the more I’m being reminded of things I lonnnnng forgot about. And it makes me question why Filipino parents — mom’s mostly — are like this? Of course asking my own mom isn’t helpful since she too was guilty of the same thing (and honestly probably still is) so she like to be “unaware” as she’s tried to reason with me about his parents actions. But I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I left home a long time ago and my mom know’s there really isn’t much she can say to make me do what she wants.

That’s the thing about me: at the end of the day I will always do what I want.

It’s my toxic trait. Or not toxic. I don’t think it’s toxic. But the people who don’t like that you have boundaries will say it’s toxic. Well sip sip mf, drink that poison.

I filed for the divorce and holyyyy crap does it suck. Just sending in the papers to the courthouse was close to $500! Like wtf? When I got divorced without kids the last time I didn’t even have to pay anything until AFTER my court hearing. But I had to pay this upfront and there was no way around it?! And this is just the first part! Like wth Texas?! Why is getting divorced with a child 1) so freakin complicated and 2) so expensive?! Like bro, is it not bad enough that I have to battle for custody? WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED?! This is freakin ridiculous! Next time I say I’m getting married, someone just slap me in the back of the head with a 2×4. K? Thanks. There’s also a 61 day waiting period before we can get a court date. So I feel like the next 2 months are going to be some weird Twilight Zone limbo state.

In the mean time I will be re-enrolling into school to finish my BS in Comm and I’ll be applying to remote Comm jobs mostly in my area. I really need to fix my credit and find financial health. Is there somewhere most adults buy it from? Cause some adult things are way beyond me.

Meanwhile my BFF is dropping $200+ on brunch every time he takes me out to eat in Napa.

To be fair, I’m really really proud of him. When we were kids trying to drop out (or you know, I was trying to kill myself) we made a promise. He would come back to Bethel High senior year and he would be sitting right next to me when we graduated high school. That kept me going to finish high school; because we promised. Senior year however, I got kicked out of Bethel and sent to a Continuation High School and Dru managed to go back to Bethel. I went to see him on campus on days I either got out of school early or didn’t go to school. He ended up dropping out before graduation though because honestly Bethel was crap. He ended up getting his GED, I ended up repeating senior year and didn’t graduate high school until 2004 instead of 2003. And we lost touch for awhile. We’ve done and accomplished a lot since high school. He now works as an oil refinery operator and firefighter making six figures, has a crazy high credit score, owns a timeshare in Cancun and an Rx7. Wasn’t the car we talked about as kids that we would get, but at least one of us got their race car.

Proof you don’t have to be ~perfect~ at high school to make it in life. You just have to be determined and driven to be more. High School isn’t for everyone — it def wasn’t it for us — but we’re far from being nothing just because of it. Except you know, we’re still the black sheep of our families. But it’s cool. Who wants to fit in anyway lol.

I wish I had a story to tell that makes me six figures, but I don’t. Not yet. I just started to crawl out of a deep dark depression and I finally feel like I can breathe again. I guess that’s a success story on its own, right? I’m still adjusting to motherhood because every new phase is a new challenge in itself.

I’ll be alright. I always am. I just gotta focus on my goals. And on coming back here to write so Thiswae can stop saying she’s a blogger, kinda, not really, but she is but she not lol. Eff you bro. I know you say it to piss me off and get me to write. And it’s kinda working.

Watch this though.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, huh?

Have I mentioned I love reading/watching/immersing myself in things that make me question my mortality? I realized this last weekend that I need to really figure out how to change my perspective when it comes to loss and death. As someone who jokes about suicide as much as I do, you’d think I had a pretty solid grasp on the concept of death, but I really don’t. Life is much easier lived when you don’t feel like you have anything to lose, that’s for sure. Part of the reason why I never wanted kids, I never wanted to be responsible for their loss of a parent if some day I wasn’t able to fight my demons.

Although, now that I’m in my mid 30’s, me and my demons have a bit of an understanding. At least way more of an understanding than we’ve ever had before. But it took a lot of soul searching, shadow work and expressing myself to get here. It also took a lot of loss. Because with every hard moment, with every loss, with every life changing experience you gain something. And if you don’t, you’re a robot. Seriously.

My cousin brought something to my attention a few hours ago — that if I want something, I do everything to make it happen. The trick is wanting it. And it reminded me that that’s a thing I’ve always had in my hand.

The universe will always give you what you ask for.

Manifestation is a real thing. And looking back at my life, I can’t deny that. At all. Because even the smallest things can be manifested. Not missing your flight. Sometimes running into someone you want to run into. Just things like that have always happened for me, if I wanted it.

There is so much more I want to say on a more personal level but I can’t seem to get myself to write it. No matter how much I try. I hate that. I hate that I let other people who may be lurking impact what I say here. I’m really hoping that with the next step of my life I’ll be able to let go of that fear and just be free to say what I want here and on social media. It’s been a very paralyzing few years. I almost have to force myself to write and remind myself of why I’m here. And it’s not for them.

Just know I’m good.

I’m so good. I’m such a sucker for new beginnings. And this time is no exception. I’ve learned what I will and what I sure as hell won’t stand ever again. I know what my worth is. I know how valuable my time and energy is. I was reminded that bad energy will make you sick. That if I can cut off family members, I can cut off anyone.

Reminding yourself of your worth is always a hard thing to maintain. I never understand why. Why is it so hard to remember what we are worth? But so easy to remember lies people tell us about ourselves? No one knows you better than YOU know YOU. People can say what they want, none of it could be true but you’d believe every word. This is the kind of thing that confuses the universe.

This week I want to be more mindful of how I consider my worth. I want to be better at reminding myself OF my worth and that no matter what happens, the universe has my back. Always has.

What’s something you want to manifest this week?