This year has been crazy… and not really in the best kind of way.
Lying about things and keeping secrets isn’t something I do, ever. So it was hard for me to function after a while… the things I was holding in just grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t really talk about it and I couldn’t write about it. Then things personally started getting worse and within that time frame I found and figured out my worth. What I would and would not ever stand for and I found that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, knowing them is something completely different. I would say I feel deceived but perhaps I need to re-evaluate my self toxic trait of being driven by emotion and find a way to be driven more by logic instead.
I filed for divorce earlier this year and that resulted in my 3 year old bouncing between houses. Which she seemed to cope with pretty well, though it started to get to the point where she would ask where her dad was or why wasn’t dad here. She asked me to spend Halloween with them which is fair, it’s my favorite holiday and my (ex) husband wouldn’t say no. The thing about him is that everything that had to do with this divorce was for it to work in my favor. I’m extremely lucky for that.
We separated earlier in the year; a few months later I found myself pregnant despite not really wanting any more kids. It was hard to hide my nausea and even harder to lie to my kid every time she asked if I “had a baby in my belly”. Meanwhile I found myself fighting more and more with the dad of his kid and all of it was just starting to weigh down on me. People close to me were telling me not to tell my husband because he would “for sure take full custody of our daughter” and so that fear stopped me from telling him even though I really wanted to.
That means less than 2 months left until we meet our little one and as of today we’re less than 2 weeks away from our wedding day!
Kinda realized we’re a little unprepared for both this morning but eh, (morning) sickness and all the aches and pains have gotten in my way and clouded my brain. It happens.
I didn’t want to be one of those people who didn’t get anything done just because they’re pregnant but it happened. And now with Braxton Hicks taking over almost every night after dinner and it’s been a paaaaaain. They’re definitely giving me contraction flashbacks AND I DONT LIKE IT.
Baby Lo has been less active but has had heavier activity. She’s assumed to be about 4 pounds now and her movements are definitely being felt. I still think it’s crazy all I had before were air bubbles popping in my tummy and galaxy sounds wondering when I’ll finally feel her kick and move and now she has her foot all against my tummy and belly button and it’s so uncomfortable sometimes! Or when I bend over and feel her foot hit me super hard in the chest. Really knocks the air out of you — literally.
There’s so much stuff to do and look forward to this month and next month is the last month to really get things done! So crazy to see how fast time has flown since August. By the time my birthday and Easter get here we’ll have a little (hopefully) curly haired blummy tagging along with us everywhere!
Right ↠ Bubba’s real life engagement ring in October 2018
If you told me 2 years ago that this boy would be everything I had ever dreamed of and more. That he’d drop to one knee in real life some day and ask me to marry him, I probablyyyy wouldn’t believe you. But since our FFXIV wedding in 2016 he’s never treated me as anything less than a wife.
He is the most compassionate, patient and selfless man I’ve ever met and I am beyond excited to be spending the rest of my life with him.
Two years ago I married my best friend in a different world.
I can’t believe it’s been two whole years since then! Time truly does fly when you’re having fun, I guess. Because it definitely doesn’t feel like two years. It feels like we just got married. But thinking of the span of time from this day to today and everything that has happened between is crazy.
I’m thankful for this moment. For this day. For the friends that were once family and though they’re not anymore I still keep these memories close to me. I’m thankful for the man by my side who did everything in his power to be there for me — a random girl he met on a video game states away and how he never left my side.
I definitely didn’t know what I was getting into when I decided to say yes to Sir Penny’puss.
This boy with his smooth lines, sexy catboi and his sexy glamours who for the last two years since we became friends had made sure that I go to sleep every single night with a smile on my face. Who’s never taken his eyes or his attention off of me.
(Don’t worry, my hotbar doesn’t look like that anymore)
Bubba wanted me to write a very detailed and extensive blog post on OUR BLOG about my journey with anxiety and so parts ONE and TWO can be found there. I’ve debated on copying + pasting them here as well but I’m not sure…
With that said I’m jumping a bit ahead to the medication part of my story.
When I were first diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety in 2005 I refused medication; I figured if my brain had the ability to rewire itself, it had the ability to rewire itself back. I never assumed it would be easy, especially considering how intense my anxiety and anxiety attacks were back then. I went to group therapy every week and I went to one on one therapy once or twice a month until 2010.
Here’s the thing about therapy. It won’t work if you’re not ready. And if you’re not ready, that is totally fine. There’s no reason to rush a process that you’re not ready to dive in to. Just because you doesn’t mean you’ll beat this any faster than you plan to.
Working around and through your anxiety is a journey only YOU can take. Only YOU know your limits. And you should NEVER let SOMEONE ELSE direct that journey FOR YOU. Never feel like you’re disappointing someone by not getting over this at the speed they want you to get over it. YOU are NOT the disappointment, THEY are for pushing you beyond your comfort level.
I somehow forgot to write this little section in the previous entry. I guess I thought the photo had copied to my desktop when it didn’t and I didn’t realize it until I went to bed last night that I didn’t talk about this!
This birthday was probably the most memorable, and definitely not in a good way.
My ex husband was pretty… selfish. Bubba had asked me months ago if he was ever controlling and in a sense I never thought of M as ‘controlling’, I guess because he never acted out, if you will. Like he never made public scenes or he never flat out showed your typical version of jealousy. But if I think about all the things he expected of me or all the things he pushed then in a really subtle yet un-subtle way he was controlling. He wouldn’t throw a fit or make a scene but he was a pro (A FUCKIN PRO I TELL YOU) at ignoring someone for as long as a week and a half. And I mean IGNORE, like not talking, not responding. But if we’re talking ignore then he went years doing that shit.
But he was selfish in a sense since I can’t really think of another word to call it — let’s put it this way — if he had friends (and 99% of his friends were girls which was fine cause 100% of my friends are usually guys though I DO NOT hug coworkers AT WORK. Hell I don’t hug them AT ALL unless I’m REALLY close to them and that takes a lot of time. I’m not a hugger if I don’t fuckin know you and I’m definitely NOT a hugger if I suspect you have a crush on me. In fact I’d be less than a friend if I suspected you had a crush on me and I definitely would not be hanging out with you, ever) which were mostly girls he would completely ignore me. If they asked him to hang out he would be prompt and he would stay out as late as 2am. He wouldn’t tell me WHERE he was going or WHO these girls were and he wouldn’t update me from time to time. If he went to hang out with friends or coworkers I wouldn’t get a single text or call the entire time he was out. If I texted asking him something while he was out he would get pissed and wouldn’t respond.
This particular year we had to take the same work bus to work (the E bus for those of you who do/did the DCP and worked on the Hollywood Studios route whoot whoot); we barely ever started work at the same time or ended at the same time to ever really have to be on the same bus. But the very few times we did he wouldn’t even acknowledge I was on the bus, especially if his coworkers were there.
Once we were standing at the bus stop, I had my headphones on cause we were waiting and he was standing next to me, a coworker comes and says hi. Looks at me then walks off. He turns to me mad saying, “why do you always have to repel my friends.” uh bitch what? I’m sitting here, listening to music, on my phone, minding my own business. Don’t no one care about you and your janky friends. She need to brush her hair.
This was the birthday year I’m talking about.
The one I had mentioned where his friend’s birthday was the day before mine and they went to lunch and I was waiting for him at my spa appointment. His friend had asked about me and he didn’t like it. So he resolved to not have me meet anyone he worked with. So this year, though I saw some of his coworkers from time to time on the bus with him, I wasn’t allowed to meet them or say hi. So most of the time when I’d run into him say on the bus on the way home, I’d sit away from him and with my coworkers instead and ignore the fact he’s actually on the bus since he did such a great job of ignoring me even as I walked on.
Great marriage, right?
So he was never into social media, he always said it was “stupid” and “gay” but during my birthday week that year he got back on Instagram and Facebook, added all his chick friends and would frequently be in a group chat with them on Facebook or on Instagram and leaving each other comment threads. I noticed he got back on social media but he still hadn’t liked or commented on any of my posts anywhere. But I knew he was texting people on these apps.
He said he had gotten on for my birthday as if THAT was his bday gift to me. Just like how he frequently used, “I was nice to you all day.” as if it’s something that he should be praised for. It didn’t occur to me at the time that Chanel’s birthday was literally the day before mine and that he added all his coworkers and was constantly texting them. Yet he spun it around saying he got back on for me though he left no trace of any activity on any of my posts.
I do a lot of random things.
At EPCOT you can color in a Perry or a Duffy at any of the countries. There’s a table for kids to color at and you take it to every station in every country and they stamp it for you.
I was pretty proud of this guy cause I thought the body color was pretty accurate and at the time I was kind of obsessed with Perry (not so much Secret Agent P) even though I didn’t watch the show. But I always thought it was funny how as Perry he’s kinda cross/bulge eyed but as Secret Agent P he looks all professional lol! And no, sadly you can’t meet Perry in the parks!
So I decided to color a Perry and take him around the world for my birthday. M colored some of him but I colored most of him and it was me who took him around and I’d chit chat with the people in the diff countries. The guy in France noticed I had a Vinylmation pin and we talked Vinylmations for awhile.
There was another photo of just Secret Agent P by himself without me in it and I noticed M had posted it on his Instagram with the caption, “I scraped those little whack ass kids.”
I noticed that there was no mention of me or my birthday at all on that post. When his friends left comments he took ALL the credit and he made it sound as if he was so hardcore that he “scraped” some KIDS in coloring a fuckin character. It’s not a content or a game. It’s something fuckin fun for kids to do. If you need to boost yourself up by down talking KIDS who are on VACATION you’ve got some fuckin problems. Foreal.
I had brought it up as we were going to Magic Kingdom to watch Wishes and it started this big argument where the above was said. I don’t remember the entire fight. I do remember sobbing my fuckin heart out at the Magic Kingdom gates not even wanting to go see Wishes. Not even wanting to celebrate my birthday anymore.
I was just so sad and so hurt.
And I was so tired of being hidden. And sadly this was the start of the next 2 years of being hidden and BANNED from his work location. Oh yes, it got worse.
I was so tired of him saying anything having to do with marriage was gay. When that shit didn’t even make fuckin sense. He never told people he was married. They would have to figure it out themselves. If I did go visit him at work and someone asked who I was he’d say “oh that’s Hazel.” it got so bad that some of his coworkers speculated he wasn’t even married and was lying about it since no one EVER saw me. There was one coworker who he got into an altercation with at work who ran into us doing laundry once and was like “oh, you really are married I guess.” and he got pissed he said that. As if it wasn’t obviously his own fault. Or as if he was mad he was married in general.
As much as I loved that Perry in the end I ended up throwing him away. Every time I saw him I’d just get sad and remember that day.
At the end of the day M blamed everything on me and “acting crazy” so he deleted the photo off his Instagram and deleted the app off his phone along with the FB app. And in the end he ended up joining SnapChat with all of them and refused to add me to his friends list.
I try to cling on to the good memories of this birthday — my facial. Finally meeting Remy at Chefs de France and getting to eat in France. My day 2 outfit with the top hat. How good this outfit came out and how I didn’t feel insecure in it at all (it was the first time wearing a dress in forever). Getting to eat Ohana’s.
And I think that was it.
But this is definitely one birthday memory I wish I could erase.