I don’t feel not enough as much as I use to, I still feel like I don’t do enough but I myself feel enough for me, anyway. I need to remind myself that everything on my to do list doesn’t have to all be crossed off. That’s what tomorrow is for. Or later. As long as I get as much done today, that is enough.
The kiddo’s toys is taking up lots of space, granted this is her room. Well half and half my office but it’s hard to literally split things like this in half. She does try her best to keep her side tidy when I ask her to, and really what more can you ask of a 2 year old lo. But this room does need some organizing, for sure.
I honestly can’t believe how fast January is already, we’re mid month at this point and I’m super excited for the changes ahead!
I don’t have a quote or anything for this week’s MMM, it’s just something that I was talking about with a friend. But it’s also something that’s been reoccurring here on my blog since I started MMM.
I want to manifest the ability to not be upset about comments about me that I know aren’t true.
I don’t know if it’s just the weather, the season, the depression… but my emotions have been heavy and harder to manage even with medication. I wish there was some magic way to gracefully ignore the things people say to and about you if you KNOW it’s not at all true. But I tend to feel and get in my feelings way too much. So things hurt longer and harder than they probably should.
I know I won’t achieve this in a week or even in a month. I’ve never really been too good at ignoring or letting go of certain things (my mom and bro-ko love to remind me I need to) but it is something I want to learn or control better.
I KNOW who I am, and things like this just make me feel like I don’t. It’s such a conflicting thing, for sure. But hopefully I can make moves, no matter how small, to get closer to this goal.
There’s nothing more discouraging than the holidays and seeing your blog stats drop.
I mean, I’m sure there are more discouraging events that are far worse but for me, in this moment, I’m struggling.
I have a serious love/hate relationship with Winter days and nights. I’ve always had pretty good memories of winter living at my mom’s house. It’s like the whole place was transformed into something cozy and filled with whatever that warm fuzzy holiday family feeling was. Lit candles, snacks and tree lights. But Christmas has never really been my favorite holiday. I’ve always preferred December to Christmas. I try to recreate the atmosphere my mom effortlessly did every single year, but I always feel like I fall short.
I also get seasonal depression, even with the warm fuzzy family feelings. And I never knew why or how. I mean I spent a lot of my child and teen hood battling depression but it got so much worse in the winter. It’s easier to manage now, and more annoying than anything when it comes back.
When it comes to blogging, there’s a ton of factors when things don’t work out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my content, my marketing, and find time through out the day to get everything I need to get done.
This week I want to manifest the reminder of my 3 year plan. The reminder that I’m capable of accomplishing anything I set my heart on. I’ve proved it to myself so many times through out the years. I CAN do this, I just have to WANT to. I need to remember to let go of petty small distractions; including my own thoughts. We’re creeping up to the last month of 2020; let’s see what I can accomplish in the next 31 days if I 100% put my mind to it!
What is something you’d like to manifest for yourself this week?
It’s getting closer and closer to the end of the year; which means shorter days. Chaos. ALL THE GIFT WRAPPING. And if you live away from home, trying to figure out when to hit the post office before everyone else plans to.
The last 2 weeks have been a bust on so many blog/reading/cleaning plans. Readjusting to medication always sucks and there’s always something new that happens it seems. I don’t remember the first time I went through this anything like this. Then again I didn’t have an active toddler to watch last time and had the luxury of sleeping all day. If that’s what I wanted.
I am however 98% done with my Christmas shopping; I just need to wrap, address, stick in a box and SHIP. But even I think it’s a bit too early to ship. Maybe this weekend, since it’ll be closer to Thanksgiving and I know that’s when most Filipino’s put up their Christmas tree’s. Speaking of Thanksgiving I still haven’t found a dessert I want to make! Bubba got me a kitchenaid (FINALLY) and now I can bake ALL THE THINGS I WANT but now it’s like my mind went blank and I don’t know what to do. Something similar happened when a friend of mine got me Photoshop 7.0 back in the day. I sat there with an empty new document for what felt like DAYS. My ex husband would stare at me like “your mind is just exploding isn’t it?” and I’d just sit there staring at my screen whimpering lol.
I have a few fun things bookmarked but nothing that really screams Thanksgiving.
Remember to rest.
Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time resting. Even though I don’t sleep through the night and I refuse to take naps. I almost feel guilty taking naps. Like there’s so much to do/get done that I can’t nap. And whatever, that’s fine. But I do need to remind myself to rest. Be it setting aside some time to just read. Or color in a coloring book. Or binge watching a show I’ve already seen. Whatever my definition of “doing nothing” means, I need to make more time to do just that.
And with the holidays coming it would be best to remember that now before the crazy starts.
Hope you all had a good weekend and have a good week!
It’s so cold today and it’s gloomy and raining. But so far I haven’t seen any lightning or heard any thunder and I LIVE for that on rainy days. Maybe later. Or tomorrow. Who knows, it’s Texas after all. I’ve been trying to get Sophie to stay out of the office this morning and Tums keeps wedging herself between us saying “no, no!” she’s so protective over her fur-sister it’s insane. Insanely adorable.
I finally got my Sage in last week. Thank goodness. It’s crazy how something like that could change your entire night time routine and your mental health. I need to be better at keeping Sage around. I still need to work on cleaning, sorting and organizing the office and some of the living room. I just don’t know where I want things to go just yet. And I also need to find a dish or something for my crystals.
It totally slipped my mind that Halloween is this week. I feel like I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy October yet! There’s no pumpkin patch photos or anything with us this year and I’m trying not to be disappointed. The most I can do is be better at prepping for Christmas. Even if Halloween is my favorite, there’s always next year…
I have a few exciting projects I can’t wait to get started on; both will be pushing my creative boundaries which I haven’t done in SUCH a long time. One will be using my love for candles and wax melts as well as incorporating scents into memories and the other will be using the culinary skills I learned almost 20 years ago that I should had been using this whole time. That part is gonna be the harder one.
November is also NaNoWriMo and I’ve written the beginning of the book I’ll be working on this year. It’s not another retelling, it’s not fairy tales and it’s not really YA either. It’s more like something I feel like I have to write about and I have to get out of my system.
I’m big on starting heavy projects and being all excited about them and suddenly just stopping randomly because I get discouraged. The only thing I so far haven’t quit on is blogging and photography. I’m trying to be better at not quitting before I start and not getting discouraged so easily.
Luckily the longer I take my Zoloft (I’m on a much lower dose than I was on the first time 5 years ago) the more I can feel my brain fog lifted. The more I can feel my creativity coming back and wanting to be used. And it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt like that. Now if only I can get my financial shit in order I’d be so set.
This week I want to manifest and remind myself that I’m capable of all the things I dream of doing and accomplishing.
What’s something you’re looking to manifest this week?
We got our keys to our new place last weekend; so now we’re in the process of moving things through out the week. I ended up with a migraine the day we got our keys and honestly getting sick the week or right after I move has always been a thing and I’m so over it. Like come on body, we move every year for the last 10 years. Sometimes twice. Get with the program, we got shit to do!
OCD freak out aside (when it comes to the bedroom, hardcore); I’m suuuper excited to start setting up and decorating the office/the kiddo’s room. Half will be my office and the other half will be her “room” or her “space”. So far she’s not digging being in there by herself. She has a problem with not being able to SEE us so I’m not exactly sure how to make it easier on her. We have a much bigger kitchen with a beautiful breakfast island. But no built in bookshelves. Weird. I mean I could always install some on the walls if I really want to, which I might actually do this time. I’m also really excited to be able to use my desktop again!
I move every year. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing I do. A thing I’m use to. The one obvious proof I clearly have commitment issues. I have moved every year since 2011; that’s almost 10 years of moving and I’ve never renewed a lease. There’s too many other places and areas to discover! I don’t do well with staying in one place for too long.
You’d think with knowing this I’d be PRO at packing and unpacking right? Hell no. Not even close. I feel like every year I have even MORE stuff than the last time I had to pack/move. I guess now that I have a toddler that doesn’t really make anything better either. And even worse is we haven’t even started packing yet. I don’t know what is going on but I’m definitely disappointed in myself.
I’m drafting this post a little later than usual; this weekend was hectic. And I’m just tired, like in my soul. Not to mention whoever said period cramps go away after childbirth LIED. I feel like the pain has been getting worse and worse every month. I’ve been really into Sage cleansing, so much that the Lavender Smudge Stick I just got is almost done. Just wish it didn’t shed so much!
This week I want to focus on the things I can control.
I’m such a huge believer in the law of attraction, it’s just lately my mind has been cloudy and distracted. I have a set of things I’d like to manifest and make happen within the next year or so; one being finishing my BA studies (just one dinky year left) and another is growing this blog. I get so caught up between this one and hazearella and I get things mixed up but I need to set a solid posting topic for them both and stick to it.
I created this blog to brain dump my mental health posts, I didn’t feel it belonged on hazearella since the theme has always been pink and girly things. I found myself reviewing things more there and talking less and less about my life. I’ve tried to change that a few times but it’s hard when stick yourself in a box. It does seem that my posts about Texas do well there ironically?! Whereas here I was free to talk about gaming, Funko Pops (even though I haven’t yet), Disney, books, anime and my own demons.
It’s National Suicide Prevention Month and when I first started this blog I did a whole series dedicated to the hobbies I throw myself into when I’m trapped in a depression spiral. I’ve thought of redoing the series, so maybe this year I’ll do just that!
So here’s my public throwing-this-out-in-the-universe notice that this week I’ll focus more on the things I want to manifest than the things I haven’t gotten done yet.
Wish me luck, this is going to be a challenge!
What is something you want to manifest this week or month?
Resurfaced situations suck. There’s no way around that. And despite how respectful or kind you are to someone; they can still belittle, disrespect and drag your name across the mud and the reality is there’s nothing you can do about it. I always say “people will be people,” as in, they’ll always be who they ARE regardless of their situations, environment’s or the kindness they get from others.
But knowing this doesn’t help that I get anxiety over certain things. That I sit up wondering why someone doesn’t like me if I’ve never done anything to them. And this is something that’s haunted me pretty much my whole life. People won’t like me because of a third party source. I grew up in a place where people wouldn’t like you because they wanted your man. They didn’t like you BECAUSE you were “too nice”. So growing up with that constant reminder made me super guarded.
But when people who trust do it to you; it’s a whole different kind of hurt and anger. Despite knowing these people are just who they are and best thing you can do is put distance between you and them. Some people will never be honest, will never own up to why they did something to hurt you. And that SHOULD be none of your business in the sense that holding on to something expecting an answer only hurts you. And not at all them.
There are a lot of things in life we can’t control. But the things we can control; like how we react to situations. The fights we show up for. Not letting bitter people make you bitter as well. Finding your own peace. Are things we should spend more time and energy on. I know it’s easier said than done, I literally have to actively choose the road of positivity. While you seem to just auto cruise on the road of negativity. But it’s another thing that’s mainly a journey and not a destination.
So this week I will focus on the things I CAN control and not give so much time to the things I CAN’T control.
What do you hope to manifest for yourself this week?
Okay ya’ll, I know by now you probably see a theme in the affirmations I’m picking. I’m struggling through some stuff but I’m working on it. Or well, trying to. Writing has always been my therapy but I don’t feel safe or comfortable writing what I’m trying to get through. Besides, healing is a journey not a destination.
A few good things that happened this week (I have pictures this time)!