Bit of a late MMM post this week; accidently on purpose fell asleep with Tums during her nap. But I did wake up to boba and Chipotle so that was super nice.
This song has been on repeat for awhile now. And yes, I yet have still to watch the movie.
Feeling safe enough to be yourself unfiltered: a love language.
As I get older I’m shocked to see what are things I thought were my love language are really just shallow preferences. And it makes me wonder; if me and my ex husband didn’t split when we did, would our relationship had only got worse? By the time we split he wasn’t my ride or die anymore. He discouraged more than encouraged and it hurt every time he did. Or would make some backhand comment the second my personality shifted, knowing that it tends to shift a lot. He use to learn things on Photoshop just so he could teach me.
He never censored me though, ever. If his mom or friends had something to say about me and “my attitude” he’d defend it. It wasn’t until the end I felt filtered. But even then he told members to fuck off and leave me alone.
My life since then has just been a big blob of: people who don’t know me so they try to silence me because they don’t like that I talk about uncomfortable topics. Like mental health. Loss. Or they just think my dark humor “isn’t funny”. Well no bitch, it’s really not suppose to be. But it IS funny to those of us who suffer every damn day so back off. Pop a Xanax and mind ya business.
There is such a huge stigma against mental health. And instead of trying to hear people out, you try to silence them. Only encouraging that stigma. And do you know how hard it is for people to find help for their mental health as it is? How expensive and how many different routes you have to take JUST to find help?? Why would you want to make it harder on someone than it already is?
I honestly feel uncomfortable when people talk about God and Jesus this and that. But I have never told someone not to. Or commented on their posts. I literally just keep scrolling. It takes 2 seconds, to just keep. scrolling.
Thank goodness for the internet and the mental health community. Seriously.
This week I want to manifest a reminder to speak my truth. A reminder of my why: so that other people don’t have to feel unheard or unseen.
My Cricut came in last weekend and I’ve been nonstop messing with the Cricut program, doing test prints and watching endless amounts of YouTube videos and TikToks (I even made a TikTok account for my crafting stuff @ siinfulart).
I’m finding that I expect myself to know how to use a product I have zero experience with. And I know where this mind set stems from — it’s the same reason why I get frustrated with myself when it comes to Photoshop CC.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong confidence. There’s nothing wrong with having high expectations of yourself. But not allowing yourself to fail and learn because “this should be easy to understand” is not helping you, it’s hindering you and any progress you could be making.
I pride myself on pushing myself out of every comfort zone I can find; physically. I didn’t realize I had some inner ones to work on.
I don’t think most people realize when you give birth, even your mind changes and re-adapting to it really fuckin sucks sometimes. I feel like I don’t even know who I am most days.
So this week I will allow myself to fail. I will allow myself to make mistakes. To learn through those processes.
No, this isn’t suppose to be easy. And that is totally okay. 2021 was suppose to be about learning, growth and trying to find yourself again. Allowing myself to fail and fail hard is part of the process 💕.
What is something you want to manifest this week? Let me know in the comments below 👇🏻.
I love these; really wish I knew what to search for when it comes to the cute illustrations on Canva!
I’m feeling a bit neither here or there today. The weekend was a bit of a blur. I am feeling a little discouraged but this is how I work sadly. I get super obsessed and excited about a project idea… then I kind of… debate quitting. The only thing that’s never happened with is blogging. But blogging/journaling has always been my personal therapy so it probably isn’t seen as a project in my head? I’m not sure.
This week I’m manifesting a little bit of self care.
I find that if I tend to stray away from talking on the phone or verbally talking to my bff’s I get like this more often lol. Doesn’t help that they both have super time consuming jobs (a firefighter and a mental health wing nurse), the time zones don’t help either but this is adulthood.
I have also stopped Saging and it’s been a bit since I’ve done aromatherapy. I don’t even remember the last time I took a bubble bath — I’m not sure why all of these things I loved have slipped away from me suddenly.
If you’re struggling like I am lately; here’s your reminder to take some time for you this week. No one’s got you like you got you. So it has to be some sort of priority that you take care of yourself, for your sake and sanity.
I hope to remember to Sage more this week, to read a new book, take a walk on the treadmill at the gym (I find it soothing) and squeeze in a bath this week (I got myself a Sleepy bath gift set for myself this weekend from LUSH).
What are some ways you’re hoping to indulge in a bit of self care?
Tums had a restless night so I had a restless night. She also somehow managed to turn off the touch pad on my laptop. How? I have no effen idea but it’s a thing. And it took me half the night and Google to figure out how to undo it. It shoulda been common sense to me, but it was and it wasn’t.
You are dope. You are capable. Fuck anyone who says anything different.
That’s it. That’s all I have the energy to manifest this week lol. But it’s all I need to focus on myself and my new business. I’m working on the blog cause it keeps breaking on me and my kuya and his “FIX IT” pep talks lol.
I hope you all have a productive and mindful week ahead!
I’m a bit sleepy; yesterday was refreshing but also draining and last night was just shit. Our car got towed despite there being a shitton of people parked at our complex who don’t even live here because someone decided to use our pool to throw a pool party. So with no parking we had to park under a car port (which is usually paid for but as far as we knew, no one owned this one) since we had to bring up a ton of groceries and a toddler up 4 flights of stairs. In 103 degree weather. Well, our car got towed and B called to discuss this fuckery this morning and the complex pretty much said “we can’t do anything”. They don’t know WHERE our car is since it’s handled by another company. I mean, it’s $300 to get it back. Which is stupid. Why not just fine us? Do we get a deduction off our rent? Like wtf. I love living in an apartment but summers in Texas always bring this shit. People using complex pools for parties. We’re only allowed 2 guests at the pool. Ugh.
This is something that heavy bothers me; when someone who’s lived life less than you have some advice to give. Like, stop sir. You’ve never moved out of your parents house. Or paid a bill. Or know how to manage bills, rent or credit cards. And it’s amazing how the ones who never lived life and stayed where they were have the most to say.
I like to surround myself with like-minded people that means people who have a thing for being creative, people who like that discover, launch and set goals for things. People who understand the concept of saving money. People who have goals and dreams. I could write an essay about this. So when I tell B I don’t like that TX lacks creative energy, of course he has no idea wtf I’m saying. At least where we are. I want to see other bug cities and find out if what I’m looking for is there. Cause it ain’t here.
The kind of cool thing about mental health is that those of us who live it have the most fascinating stories and coping mechanisms! A bunch of us can suffer from the same type but everyone’s experiences will be different. That’s the curious thing about mental health, it’s not black and white. It’s gray, mist gray, blue gray, off gray… there’s so many different levels and things to consider. And while you might think your story is “overdone” or in a “saturated” niche, people care what other people are going through, so let this be your invitation to write about your mental health struggles.
I hope to manifest calling people out for having zero life experience.
Do you remember who you were before someone tried to tell you who you are?
No one knows us better than we know ourselves, despite what anyone thinks or wants to believe. They don’t live in your head or soul, they can’t hear your inner thoughts, they only know what they see on the outside.
So why do we let other people dictate who we are. What we do. What we’re capable of? It’s easy to listen to someone on the outside, and I’m still trying to figure out why and how that is. It’s frustrating af. But apparently knowing this doesn’t make it easier to stop letting it happen. Not everyone has the best intentions for you — no matter who they are in your life. Some people just don’t want to see other people, esp those close to them win or do better than they are.
This has been heavy on my mind this last week. I’m diving into a project I’ve been thinking of for literally over 12 years but just never had the courage to actually do. It’s amazing what having the right people around you can convince you that you can do anything. I realize every time I feel myself holding back and wondering why. What am I so scared of? It’s not like any of this is new or harder than anything else I’ve done. It’s just, different.
I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone this year. I feel like I’ve been stagnant the whole time I’ve been in TX and it’s making my soul itch. I really want to talk about what I’ve been working on but it’s also been why posts have slowed down around here as well. I’ll link my instagram for it soon!
It’s been raining here all week. Yesterday it got up to 80* and my Floridan self regret not wearing shorts. The heat here is like CA. It just HITS you. It’s not humidity which feels like a warm hug from inside a marshmallow.
I don’t feel not enough as much as I use to, I still feel like I don’t do enough but I myself feel enough for me, anyway. I need to remind myself that everything on my to do list doesn’t have to all be crossed off. That’s what tomorrow is for. Or later. As long as I get as much done today, that is enough.
The kiddo’s toys is taking up lots of space, granted this is her room. Well half and half my office but it’s hard to literally split things like this in half. She does try her best to keep her side tidy when I ask her to, and really what more can you ask of a 2 year old lo. But this room does need some organizing, for sure.
I honestly can’t believe how fast January is already, we’re mid month at this point and I’m super excited for the changes ahead!
I don’t have a quote or anything for this week’s MMM, it’s just something that I was talking about with a friend. But it’s also something that’s been reoccurring here on my blog since I started MMM.
I want to manifest the ability to not be upset about comments about me that I know aren’t true.
I don’t know if it’s just the weather, the season, the depression… but my emotions have been heavy and harder to manage even with medication. I wish there was some magic way to gracefully ignore the things people say to and about you if you KNOW it’s not at all true. But I tend to feel and get in my feelings way too much. So things hurt longer and harder than they probably should.
I know I won’t achieve this in a week or even in a month. I’ve never really been too good at ignoring or letting go of certain things (my mom and bro-ko love to remind me I need to) but it is something I want to learn or control better.
I KNOW who I am, and things like this just make me feel like I don’t. It’s such a conflicting thing, for sure. But hopefully I can make moves, no matter how small, to get closer to this goal.
There’s nothing more discouraging than the holidays and seeing your blog stats drop.
I mean, I’m sure there are more discouraging events that are far worse but for me, in this moment, I’m struggling.
I have a serious love/hate relationship with Winter days and nights. I’ve always had pretty good memories of winter living at my mom’s house. It’s like the whole place was transformed into something cozy and filled with whatever that warm fuzzy holiday family feeling was. Lit candles, snacks and tree lights. But Christmas has never really been my favorite holiday. I’ve always preferred December to Christmas. I try to recreate the atmosphere my mom effortlessly did every single year, but I always feel like I fall short.
I also get seasonal depression, even with the warm fuzzy family feelings. And I never knew why or how. I mean I spent a lot of my child and teen hood battling depression but it got so much worse in the winter. It’s easier to manage now, and more annoying than anything when it comes back.
When it comes to blogging, there’s a ton of factors when things don’t work out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my content, my marketing, and find time through out the day to get everything I need to get done.
This week I want to manifest the reminder of my 3 year plan. The reminder that I’m capable of accomplishing anything I set my heart on. I’ve proved it to myself so many times through out the years. I CAN do this, I just have to WANT to. I need to remember to let go of petty small distractions; including my own thoughts. We’re creeping up to the last month of 2020; let’s see what I can accomplish in the next 31 days if I 100% put my mind to it!
What is something you’d like to manifest for yourself this week?
It’s getting closer and closer to the end of the year; which means shorter days. Chaos. ALL THE GIFT WRAPPING. And if you live away from home, trying to figure out when to hit the post office before everyone else plans to.
The last 2 weeks have been a bust on so many blog/reading/cleaning plans. Readjusting to medication always sucks and there’s always something new that happens it seems. I don’t remember the first time I went through this anything like this. Then again I didn’t have an active toddler to watch last time and had the luxury of sleeping all day. If that’s what I wanted.
I am however 98% done with my Christmas shopping; I just need to wrap, address, stick in a box and SHIP. But even I think it’s a bit too early to ship. Maybe this weekend, since it’ll be closer to Thanksgiving and I know that’s when most Filipino’s put up their Christmas tree’s. Speaking of Thanksgiving I still haven’t found a dessert I want to make! Bubba got me a kitchenaid (FINALLY) and now I can bake ALL THE THINGS I WANT but now it’s like my mind went blank and I don’t know what to do. Something similar happened when a friend of mine got me Photoshop 7.0 back in the day. I sat there with an empty new document for what felt like DAYS. My ex husband would stare at me like “your mind is just exploding isn’t it?” and I’d just sit there staring at my screen whimpering lol.
I have a few fun things bookmarked but nothing that really screams Thanksgiving.
Remember to rest.
Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time resting. Even though I don’t sleep through the night and I refuse to take naps. I almost feel guilty taking naps. Like there’s so much to do/get done that I can’t nap. And whatever, that’s fine. But I do need to remind myself to rest. Be it setting aside some time to just read. Or color in a coloring book. Or binge watching a show I’ve already seen. Whatever my definition of “doing nothing” means, I need to make more time to do just that.
And with the holidays coming it would be best to remember that now before the crazy starts.
Hope you all had a good weekend and have a good week!