Brain Dump | Back On This BS

I had every intention to write an actual blog post the next time I updated but for some reason I just couldn’t finish any of the blog posts I’d start. I kept censoring myself because ironically in 2022 I learned the luxury of privacy and I’m actual kind of… enjoying it.

I’ve always been a transparent open book; you can’t start rumors or shit talk me because everything you could possibly say is already written in a blog somewhere publicly for anyone to read. It doesn’t stop people from trying though. But those who know me, at all, know that if it were really worth something listening to *I* would had already said something before anyone else and anything outside of that is a rumor and a lie.

My first ex husband and I had a rule: don’t ask, don’t tell.

We were entitled to our privacy and our choice if there was something we really didn’t feel like talking about right then and there. And for a good decade, it worked out really well for us. It taught me however to avoid the truth. I don’t like to lie, ever. And I don’t lie about anything significant. I use to lie a lot growing up and do you know how draining it is to remember lies? I can’t be bothered now as an adult to remember shit like that so I just don’t lie. Plus, again, I’m an open book. What do you want to know? I’ll be happy to tell you. Own who you are. Own your mistakes. Your demons. Your trauma. Cause if you do, that’s a power no one can take from you.

There are a lot of things happening in my life right now that I can not wait to talk about when I finally can/want to. I’ve been reminded just how solid and how loyal my support system is. I have been reminded how much my family cares about me despite “not being close”. They are loyal. They are hands down ride or die’s and they would, no matter how long time has passed, always have my back with whatever I need. No questions, no judgment and no record keeping.

I’m reminded of how much my bff loves me. He’s always been really compassionate and protective over me. And it’s crazy that twenty two years later he’s still just as protective. Just as willing to do whatever he can to make sure I’m okay and taken care of. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friendship like this, but I am beyond thankful for it. I’m mid key thankful he saved my life as kids lol; sometimes I wonder why I even listened to his pleas to make me put the pills down. To get me to go to church. To convince me to keep holding on. I’m truly lucky to have so many people care so much about me. That distance doesn’t matter, I’m never alone. To have people blow up my phone just to make sure I took my meds, I ate today, I filled orders.

My whole gaming set up has been upgraded. The whole thing. The downside is I’m realizing my PC doesn’t have USB 3.0 so I can’t get my capture card to register. So no Nintendo streams until I fix that. But I have been streaming again and I actually streamed a new demo game that I’m pretty excited about. I do need to figure something out about the lighting in my office cause with the webcam it’s not the best. It kind of annoys me. And I need to find speakers because despite having a gaming monitor, it does not have speakers. Make it make sense. I’m planning a relaunch for my shop in August by my one year anniversary. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year!

I need to start getting to work! Hope you are all doing well!

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck lately. Like in some weird whack ass limbo space and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. It feels like I’m fighting against a current to just do anything remotely productive.

Maybe I’m just supposed to chill. Maybe I’m just supposed to rest. Plan my next move.

But I’m the type to never rest.

I hate taking naps. I hate wasting a whole day doing nothing. I hate waking up late.

I always feel like I should be doing and achieving more. I feel like there’s so much to learn and see to sleep.

Thinking of this weird space as a setback is also messing with my mental health. I’m spending way too much time worried about why and how did I get here. And not enough time focusing on what to do now. Life is going to keep moving forward, with or without you. Life, time, the universe… it doesn’t wait for anyone.

This week I want to focus on taking better care of myself. Eating better. Sleeping better. Planning out my day better. Once I figure that part out, I can figure out the rest. But for now; the first two really need to be a priority.

What’s something you want to focus on this week?

Brain Dump | This Shi Again

I have a forever pimple on my scalp and it’s really making the left side of my head hurt? I don’t know how to explain it. But I should probably stop fuckin with it. A friend told me recently I need to stop cussing so much in my posts cause it makes it lose its integrity. Fuck that. Freedom of speech mf. Keep scrolling if you’re bothered.

My daily routine of Cherry Cokes have no been replaced with mf Red Bull. So over the last 2 weeks I’ve been at an 8 and my poor cousin has had to suffer while my mind is running a mile a second. But I’ve never felt this awake in years so I’m going to bask in the fact that I’m not some weird underlying type of tired. Why did I stay away from these again?

I’m in a weird limbo state in my life — I want to talk about it but I kind of can’t. But then I don’t think I ever want to talk about it either? It’s such a weird thing. It tests my ability to be transparent and I hate that.\

Me: Ahhh! There’s a CRICKET in the grass!
Thiswae: DO YOU SEE THE RED FLAG ITS HOLDING UP MF?!

Gotta love when my brother refuses to let me escape a subject. Mf. There’s a fine line between coming at someone from a place of empathy and love and just being a straight up controlling bitch. It’s a very fine line. But let’s talk about control. Like what’s up with that? LET PEOPLE BE THEM. At the end of the day, they’ll do whatever tf they want. AS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO. Why come into someone’s life just to tell them what to do? Just to mold them into who you want? Go get you a block of clay with that shit.

Jealousy is toxic
Insecurities are toxic

Fite me.

And if you cared about someone you would address this shit and not just go behind their back and not say shit. By all means, do whatever strokes your ego, but don’t be upset when it results in trust being broken. That’s on you. Handle that insecurity or whatever it is before coming to someone. I swear, the older people get, the DUMBER they are. I need to surround myself with people who are TRULY committed to self-improvement, productivity and mf shadow work. I have trauma only works for so long. GET. IT. TOGETHER. Or go find people who are on the same spiritual level as you. Cause the rest of us do not have the patience to do your healing for you.

I think for the rest of May I’m going to work on Marie Condo-ing my entire life. I’ll keep you all updated on how that goes.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It always amazes me how people react to your boundaries. How pressed some people get when you stand strong by them. And it’s always so strange when it happens. Mostly because why does what I allow into my space upset you so much?! The reaction doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it’s just because other people’s boundaries don’t upset me? I don’t know. Everyone has their own preferences, their own ideals and their own perception of things. Isn’t that what free will is?!

Then again I have no desire to control anyone.
Ok maybe I do, but you know, that’s a different story.
But even then, I truly don’t. That’s just me being petty.

It blows my mind how long I went refusing to see my worth. Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? At the end of it all, it was me who refused to see my own worth. It was me who thought I deserved less than what I truly do deserve. And although it was external opinions that got me here, I should had known better. No one knows you better than you know yourself.

I know a lot of my MMM posts tend to revolve around the same ideas/ideals but this is just a realistic look at how often we have to remind ourselves of our worth. Of our progress. Of how often we have to find ways to hold ourselves accountable to remember that we’re worthy of more.

So this week (even if I’m writing/posting this on Thursday, work with me here) I want to remind myself that accepting my worth will mean losing people. But the people I lose are really not a loss at all. And if people can’t respect your boundaries or care about your well being, they’re not worthy of having a spot in your life or in your energy.

Brain Dump | The Steady Struggle

I’ll be honest, nothing too new has been happening. I’ve settled into a sort of comfortable routine. One that makes it so I get my daughter for a week then her dad gets her for a week and on and on and on. It is strange on the weeks she’s not with me. And the week that she is, I feel like they go by way too fast. But she’s settled into our normal routine from before all of this happened.

I’ve jumped back on FFXIV as I’ve mentioned before. I got my Weaver to 90 and I’m still nowhere near Endwalker. My Fisher is about to hit 90 as well. I just really don’t enjoy doing MSQ. I know I should get it done though if I want to experience the new area’s. I heard Cozy Grove got a DLC update and I don’t even know when was the last time I turned my Switch Lite on. I did get CG for the PS5 too so I could stream. But we’ll see. I also picked up a few cute indie games. Still want Kingdom Hearts though and since my PS5 is digital only, I’ll have to re-buy it (I don’t mind digital only honestly — most of my games on my PSN are digital because I move so much. It wouldn’t make sense to have a ton of physical games).

My BFF is house hunting in my area but he hasn’t decided if he likes or dislikes Texas. He wants to invest in buying a house here because compared to California it’s ridiculously cheap and if he’s able to pay it off quickly he can turn it into an Air B&B or rent it out. And with as many people trying to move to TX as there is, it’s a pretty smart move. If you have the money to do it.

Along with that though, I’ve been reminded of things within the Filipino culture I never really paid much attention to. But the more time I witness my BFF and his own parents interaction, the more I’m being reminded of things I lonnnnng forgot about. And it makes me question why Filipino parents — mom’s mostly — are like this? Of course asking my own mom isn’t helpful since she too was guilty of the same thing (and honestly probably still is) so she like to be “unaware” as she’s tried to reason with me about his parents actions. But I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I left home a long time ago and my mom know’s there really isn’t much she can say to make me do what she wants.

That’s the thing about me: at the end of the day I will always do what I want.

It’s my toxic trait. Or not toxic. I don’t think it’s toxic. But the people who don’t like that you have boundaries will say it’s toxic. Well sip sip mf, drink that poison.

I filed for the divorce and holyyyy crap does it suck. Just sending in the papers to the courthouse was close to $500! Like wtf? When I got divorced without kids the last time I didn’t even have to pay anything until AFTER my court hearing. But I had to pay this upfront and there was no way around it?! And this is just the first part! Like wth Texas?! Why is getting divorced with a child 1) so freakin complicated and 2) so expensive?! Like bro, is it not bad enough that I have to battle for custody? WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED?! This is freakin ridiculous! Next time I say I’m getting married, someone just slap me in the back of the head with a 2×4. K? Thanks. There’s also a 61 day waiting period before we can get a court date. So I feel like the next 2 months are going to be some weird Twilight Zone limbo state.

In the mean time I will be re-enrolling into school to finish my BS in Comm and I’ll be applying to remote Comm jobs mostly in my area. I really need to fix my credit and find financial health. Is there somewhere most adults buy it from? Cause some adult things are way beyond me.

Meanwhile my BFF is dropping $200+ on brunch every time he takes me out to eat in Napa.

To be fair, I’m really really proud of him. When we were kids trying to drop out (or you know, I was trying to kill myself) we made a promise. He would come back to Bethel High senior year and he would be sitting right next to me when we graduated high school. That kept me going to finish high school; because we promised. Senior year however, I got kicked out of Bethel and sent to a Continuation High School and Dru managed to go back to Bethel. I went to see him on campus on days I either got out of school early or didn’t go to school. He ended up dropping out before graduation though because honestly Bethel was crap. He ended up getting his GED, I ended up repeating senior year and didn’t graduate high school until 2004 instead of 2003. And we lost touch for awhile. We’ve done and accomplished a lot since high school. He now works as an oil refinery operator and firefighter making six figures, has a crazy high credit score, owns a timeshare in Cancun and an Rx7. Wasn’t the car we talked about as kids that we would get, but at least one of us got their race car.

Proof you don’t have to be ~perfect~ at high school to make it in life. You just have to be determined and driven to be more. High School isn’t for everyone — it def wasn’t it for us — but we’re far from being nothing just because of it. Except you know, we’re still the black sheep of our families. But it’s cool. Who wants to fit in anyway lol.

I wish I had a story to tell that makes me six figures, but I don’t. Not yet. I just started to crawl out of a deep dark depression and I finally feel like I can breathe again. I guess that’s a success story on its own, right? I’m still adjusting to motherhood because every new phase is a new challenge in itself.

I’ll be alright. I always am. I just gotta focus on my goals. And on coming back here to write so Thiswae can stop saying she’s a blogger, kinda, not really, but she is but she not lol. Eff you bro. I know you say it to piss me off and get me to write. And it’s kinda working.

Watch this though.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, huh?

Have I mentioned I love reading/watching/immersing myself in things that make me question my mortality? I realized this last weekend that I need to really figure out how to change my perspective when it comes to loss and death. As someone who jokes about suicide as much as I do, you’d think I had a pretty solid grasp on the concept of death, but I really don’t. Life is much easier lived when you don’t feel like you have anything to lose, that’s for sure. Part of the reason why I never wanted kids, I never wanted to be responsible for their loss of a parent if some day I wasn’t able to fight my demons.

Although, now that I’m in my mid 30’s, me and my demons have a bit of an understanding. At least way more of an understanding than we’ve ever had before. But it took a lot of soul searching, shadow work and expressing myself to get here. It also took a lot of loss. Because with every hard moment, with every loss, with every life changing experience you gain something. And if you don’t, you’re a robot. Seriously.

My cousin brought something to my attention a few hours ago — that if I want something, I do everything to make it happen. The trick is wanting it. And it reminded me that that’s a thing I’ve always had in my hand.

The universe will always give you what you ask for.

Manifestation is a real thing. And looking back at my life, I can’t deny that. At all. Because even the smallest things can be manifested. Not missing your flight. Sometimes running into someone you want to run into. Just things like that have always happened for me, if I wanted it.

There is so much more I want to say on a more personal level but I can’t seem to get myself to write it. No matter how much I try. I hate that. I hate that I let other people who may be lurking impact what I say here. I’m really hoping that with the next step of my life I’ll be able to let go of that fear and just be free to say what I want here and on social media. It’s been a very paralyzing few years. I almost have to force myself to write and remind myself of why I’m here. And it’s not for them.

Just know I’m good.

I’m so good. I’m such a sucker for new beginnings. And this time is no exception. I’ve learned what I will and what I sure as hell won’t stand ever again. I know what my worth is. I know how valuable my time and energy is. I was reminded that bad energy will make you sick. That if I can cut off family members, I can cut off anyone.

Reminding yourself of your worth is always a hard thing to maintain. I never understand why. Why is it so hard to remember what we are worth? But so easy to remember lies people tell us about ourselves? No one knows you better than YOU know YOU. People can say what they want, none of it could be true but you’d believe every word. This is the kind of thing that confuses the universe.

This week I want to be more mindful of how I consider my worth. I want to be better at reminding myself OF my worth and that no matter what happens, the universe has my back. Always has.

What’s something you want to manifest this week?

Hello April~

Welcome to my birthday month and Aries season!

Aries season doesn’t seem to be the best season for my fellow Aries this year. I’ll try again in the Fall when everything dies I mean, preps for rebirth. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

Both my BFF and I have gotten into streaming this passed week and we’re trying to find ways to set up our Twitch channels. If you’re into Call of Duty and GTA go give him a follow even though he only streams SUPER late at night. I moderate it if I’m up. If you’re into cozy gaming and just chillen out give me a follow. I don’t have a set schedule just yet. So far I just stream FFXIV as I get use to it and the new changes they’ve made to the hot bars. So if you wanna watch me run around like an idiot for a bit, feel free to!

The depression from March prevented me from planning anything for my birthday this year so… that sucks. Maybe I should just stick to planning my birthday in Dec/Jan when I’m not hit with trauma and depression. I’m really hoping next year I’ll be in a much better head space when Tums birthday comes up. I’m hoping distance and being surrounded by my actual support system with help me heal.

| Figure out what to do with moving

The whole rent situation for April took a turn so having to figure out how to get the other half of rent was pretty stressful. I’m thankful for the friends I have who are always willing to help me.

| Set up the streaming

I pulled my ACNH Switch back out again and I need to reinstall my capture card. So far I’ve only been streaming FFXIV but I really want to stream Switch and PC games too.

| Get back to a healthy lifestyle [ better eating choices, meditation, yoga, working out ]

I really want to achieve this this year. It’s so hard to start though. But once you do, and you get a routine going, it’s effortless. It’s just getting there. I mostly want to stop pulling my lower back and work on my mental health starting with fitness.

| Find something fun or chill to do for my birthday day

I really have no plans for my birthday this year. The whole depression of March took over my mind space. I did try to book a trip to Disney but it’s all booked up since my birthday falls on Easter week (at least it’s not ON Easter this year) and honestly it was too expensive to even fly anywhere from TX. A friend of mine from home is coming out here though so I may hang out with them. I miss my friends and I wish I could had at least just flown out to NorCal.

| Schedule a trip to Disney World before Flower & Garden ends

This kinda falls in the same as the last — Flower & Garden ends in July so I’m really hoping to make it there before then! F&G is one of my favorite events at Disney World, period!

| Revamp this blog

I want to do some blog post updates, SEO updates, change the subjects/topics and sort of just find a stable niche for this blog. I feel like I’m all over the place sometimes.

| Revamp + add new products to the shop

I def need a new logo and banner design and I need to design more clothing. I also need to start doing monthly themes or something… just something new to add to the whole feed if anything. My shop can’t grow if I don’t give it something to grow into.

| Don’t be afraid to ask friends for help when the hard days come

I hate when people hear or see me cry. It’s the trauma from exes tbh. I tend to forget that my friends don’t think I’m weak for crying and they wouldn’t gaslight me or make me feel bad for crying on the phone especially if it’s about something that really bothers me. I know my friends love me but sometimes it’s still hard to turn to someone when the days feel dark and heavy. I’m trying to be better about that!

I decided against doing a March recap; there wasn’t much of anything other than depression spells in March. So there’s no reason to go and rehash on that. I’m really hoping April will be much kinder.

What are some of your goals for this month?

Brain Dump | Depressed

As someone who’s dealt with depression since they were 13 you’d think I’d have like a million ways to cope by now but truthfully, when my anxiety showed up at 19/20, the depression took a back seat. For so long in fact that sometimes I don’t even know I’m showing signs of depression unless someone points it out to me. And it always amazes me that my friends all the way in California, though they don’t see me every day, can still spot when I’m not myself. That’s the beauty of having people in your life who know you and who accept you exactly 100% as you are.

Lately I’ve had a hard time getting out of bed and end up not even getting up until 4pm just to get back in bed at 7 or 8. Like okay that’s enough life for today. The last time I pulled this shit I ended up dropping 80 pounds and a friend of mine had to literally pull me out of my apartment. But it was also around the time I had started taking Zoloft the first time.

I blamed Texas weird ass weather at first, which the weather here has sucked. It’s like a never ending fuckshit of winter. I’m over it. Then when I fly to Cali it’s perfect and 80 degrees.

I’m reminded of just how alone I am in Texas and wonder how did I put myself in this position. It’s not like it’s hard for me to make friends, at all. But it seems like most people I’ve run into in the years I’ve lived in Texas just haven’t been the best people or if they’re family members suddenly I’m fooling around with them. Bubba’s family has made my life a special kind of hell since I’ve moved here and I regret ever moving here to begin with.

I gave up my life of magic at Disney and beach days for this shit?!

Literally should had just moved back to California after I broke up with Nick, like I had planned to begin with. I also need to stop dating people who take me wanting to move back to California as just blasphemy because their hometown is “the best”. And they’ve never even lived anywhere else. I don’t know how someone comes up with that conclusion but it’s a thing people do.

I feel like since moving to Texas I’m completely forgotten who I am. I subconsciously tried to fit this mold of someone I wasn’t. Just to hopefully please people. Spoiler: didn’t work. I never understood what my friends were saying when they said I got soft until I set foot in NorCal and it’s like snap what have I been doing the last few years?!

Giving birth and suffering through postpartum depression while feeling completely isolated and alone was the worst and so freakin traumatic. To the point where I literally NEVER want to give birth again. I never want to go through that ever again. And I lost even more of myself for years. While the Zoloft helped, I couldn’t get my insurance to work something out enough for me to get help with therapy. And believe me, between PPD and losing my dad within months of each other? I desperately needed therapy. Zoloft isn’t easing my mind as good as it did the first time around, but I’m also not on the max dose.

I’m losing my train of thought… I thought putting on The Descendants would make me feel a little better. A little closer to Disney? Something? It’s kinda working.

Monthly Recap; Feb 2022

For being the shortest month, Feb sure felt like one of the longer ones. I don’t mean that in a bad way… I’m glad at least one Feb in the last few years felt longer than usual. And so far, it’s been my favorite month. Full of trying a shit ton of new eats, seeing new cities, finding new favorite things, seeing some of my favorite people. My Feb was full of insane love from my friends, my support circle who’s been rockin with me for over 21 years. If I know what boundless unconditional love is, it’s because of them. They’ve loved me through all the rough and smooth stages of life from the jump and I’m so very thankful for every single one of them. Not having to feel like I’m being judged or having to censor myself is a feeling I took for granted, for sure.

Despite not really having a place to stay this trip, my BFF made sure I was comfortable. I literally didn’t have to worry about anything the whole week. He also had me drive and while I was SUPER nervous because it was a freakin nice ass car, it felt so good to drive through the streets of my hometown again. You don’t realize how free and liberating driving can feel after years of not feeling comfortable enough to do so. I also appreciate that if I’m PMS’ing he just feds me, tells me I’m funny and let’s me yell lol. I had the best week.

| WATCHED

I know I’m supposed to be working my way through my streaming queues but it’s kinda hard when you have a toddler who wants to watch Dinosaur videos lol. I’m not gonna knock her urge to learn things.

Attempted to watch In the Heights but I just… got lost.

I watched Crazy Rich Asians the first night I was in Napa and there’s just something iconic and inspiring about that movie every time I watch it. Def made me want to work harder on my business; I wanna build something that’s going to outlive me.

Watched Cars… while in a 2 hour queue line for the Cars ride. I forgot how the first movie even went. But Lightning McQueen was a little shit head.

Watched Hamilton on the plane ride home to kill time since I couldn’t sleep. The girl next to me was watching In the Heights. Yeah even watching the little snips I did, I still couldn’t vibe with it.

| DID

Finally got to try Sugar Factory since they opened up one in Dallas and honestly, it was more instagrammable than the one in Vegas I always walked into. The food was amazing and the drink I got didn’t even taste like a drink. Def coming back here.

Continue reading “Monthly Recap; Feb 2022”

Hello March

I can’t believe how fast 2022 is moving. Then again I’ve been traveling (and it feels so good to be able to again) so that might also be why it feels like it’s going super fast for me.

Feb was full of trying places I had on my foodie wish list for way too long. Road trips with my BFF’s and being spoiled by my BFF’s and my cousin (for once lol). I was reminded of how loved I am back home and I wonder why I even left… I mean I don’t wonder but I do wonder why I stayed away for so long.

Never let a relationship get in the way of your life and who you are.

I have no idea how March would be able to top Feb, honestly. But here are a few things I hope to achieve;

| Take Tums to Disneyland for her birthday
As much as I would love to go to Disney World, there really isn’t much there for toddlers like there is at Disneyland. She hasn’t been to Disneyland yet and she’s been to WDW twice already lol. I can’t believe I’ll have a 3 year old soon. She’s already like a whole ass human being. I just assume the smarter she gets, the more she will talk back. She’s already started lol.

| Hit Vegas with my cousin
This is the year of doing things I miss and getting back to my roots. It’s been a decade since I’ve been back to Vegas and I miss it so much. I’m hoping to squeeze in a weekend trip to Vegas this month with my cousin or my BFF Dru; even if he’s next level on some shit lol.

| Read 2 books
I just picked up 2 new audiobooks while I was on my trip; they’re both autobiographies. One is by Leslie Odom Jr and his time doing Aaron Burr in Hamilton. I have no excuse to be so far behind on my TBR for this year but here I am. So hopefully I can at least read 2 books this month.

| Take 30 mins every day to do Yoga or some kind of ab work out
I need to be better at my health. And I really need to start being better. It’s hard to set aside time to just do certain things. Obviously working out and reading seems to be it for me this year. But I really want to work on getting my abs back and I really want to get back into eating right again. Even just setting aside 30 mins every day can make a difference.

| Start a skincare routine
My BFF and cousin are begging me to do this. It makes me feel old lol. I admit though, my skin could use some help. So at the advice of my cousin, I picked up a few things that were a lot more than I expected. Shit better do something.

| Work on shop things
My shop needs a huge refresh. I really want to put up more apparel and new sticker designs. I also want to be more active on social media and marketing. I always say I’ll work on some stuff while I’m in Cali but I get so caught up with hanging out with my friends that it doesn’t happen lol. I’m not sure when I’m jetting off next this month so I might as well work on my shop until I figure that out!

| Jump start on Spring cleaning
Spring cleaning has always been the bane of my existence. My mom made it look so effortless. But as I’m low key kind of on the quest to live a more minimalistic life, I figure this is going to be an even bigger task. Let’s hope I start this in the Spring and finish it in the Spring as well lol.

What are some things you’re hoping to start, finish or attempt this month?