Tag: life in Texas

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Brain Dump | Separation & Divorce

by Hazel Vee4 Comments on Brain Dump | Separation & Divorce

I don’t even know how to begin this honestly.

I haven’t been as active as I’d like to be because it seems 2022 is just a year of realization and the last few months have been just super emotionally draining. I found the courage to do what I needed to do years ago but of course, people hate when you find courage to do something that doesn’t fit their narrative.

I make it no secret that I’m a traveler, a content creator, I chase dreams and magic and I don’t let anyone stand in my way. This is my life to live and no one can tell me how to live it. My happiness and my mental health have taken the backseat long enough. I fuckin hate being lied to, manipulated and most of all fuckin gaslit. I hate Texas and being a mother has been a bigger struggle than I ever thought it would be. I’m not the type to be satisfied with marriage, a family and a house. That’s never been my vision for myself. I don’t need someone else to complete me. Like my cousin likes to tell people: she can do bad all by herself.

It’s disappointing to find out someone who claims to care about you doesn’t have actions that line up with their words. And it’s even more draining when they refuse to hear you because you’re not saying what they want to hear. Since kicking Tums dad out I’ve been able to think so much more clearly without fear and without dread. And for the record, just because someone doesn’t hit you isn’t grounds to assume that their energy doesn’t make you uncomfortable. That’s not something that should even be a punchline.

So women should have no reason to feel uncomfortable around guys who harass them? Cause that makes zero fuckin sense. Yes I’m uncomfortable. Yes I have some sort of sex PTSD where I think if I wake up a guy — any guy straight or gay — from a nap I think they’ll ask me for sex. Or if a guy is nice to me even if they’ve known me their whole life, I’m suppose to owe them sex. And I honestly didn’t realize I had this weird ass trauma until I went to see my friends back home — most of which are all guys. And that thought crossing my mind around dudes I know would NEVER EVER HURT OR DISRESPECT ME was such a huge problem. There were things I said that they would say “you don’t sound like Hazel, at all, what’s going on?” and there’s so much of me that was locked in fear that I was severely unaware of.

My cousin and my BFF have been such helpful people the last few months. They call and check on me constantly to make sure I’m ok. That I’m good. That if I need anything at all to never hesitate to ask. My BFF was dope enough to help me pay my rent this month since Tums dad didn’t have rent and really had no plans on finding rent which would equal to me being evicted and a negative score on my credit report. And this is why I don’t like living with anyone. I’m so tired of housing dudes who can’t be responsible for finances or how to maintain a credit score. Or hell even to just be mindful of someone else’s credit score.

There’s so much I want to say and I’m not sure how to say it without naming names; this is difficult. I can’t even brain dump shit that’s weighing on my mental health because people stalk my shit and my blogs and I honestly can’t wait to be out of here and far from these people and this place. I can’t heal in the same place that broke me. That’s exactly why I left California.

So for the lack of activity here and on my social media — this is what’s been going on. Dealing with a gaslighting soon to be ex husband, trying to figure out what to do about my apartment and living situation and trying to figure out how to deal with custody. I’m pretty drained at the end of the day. But at least I’ve been getting sleep, if anything.

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Word Vomit | “You just fold in the cheese”

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Word Vomit | “You just fold in the cheese”

I couldn’t think of another title and that scene has been living rent free in my head for weeks. A lot has been going on here, mostly stuff I don’t talk about cause I don’t know how while still being “a blogger”. As much as I love how blogging has evolved over the years… I also hate it. I’m sure I’ve talked about this before.

Home Stuff

I’m a clutter bug. I think it’s part of my OCD — to hoard things sometimes. I get it from my mama. No, foreal. But I try really hard to be as bad as she is. But I remember having stock piles when I still lived at home because I didn’t want to run out of something, esp if it was my favorite something. I let that habit go when I did the DCP because it was hard to get to the store and it was hard to keep up a stock pile and the apartments were so small. And this did tug at my soul a bit because of just how hard things were. But, I survived. I didn’t start trying to stock pile things again until the pandemic happened and everyone was buying out the disinfectant wipes — I literally can’t go a day without them. My OCD won’t let me.

Having a toddler also makes things look more… cluttered. And she cycles through toys so often that it gets overwhelming so this past weekend I finally went and got bookshelves so I can unpack my boxes of books. As well as tidy the shelves in the office and the closet. I’m still working on things but the space feels so much lighter already. I unhauled a ton of books that I need to go sell. I’m still a loss on what to do with her toys. She has this big bin for all the small stuff, and you’d think clean up would be easy. Just throw everything in. But some things she doesn’t want in there. she gets super particular which is fine, I can relate. I switched her play tent to face the other way and she about flipped tf out. She was crying and refused to come in her room. And that’s when I learned my daughter is a creature of habit, like I am.

I also ordered a bunch of candles I don’t need but wanted. I’m usually mostly drawn to Bath & Body Works candles but lately it seems like their prices have gone up while their quality has gone down. I’m finding that not even half way through the burn they’re already losing their scent/throw. So I bought some candles from DW Home since they released this years summer scents as well as some from Goose Creek. I also got Zeep Bath wax melts like I do every summer. Their stuff is some of my fav! I usually post about candle stuff on hazearella. If you’re into that stuff. I have the DW Home Salted Caramel Latte candle (that looks like an actual coffee cup) on my desk right now and it’s so strong lol. But I’m excited about the progress of purging things and sorting things.

Continue reading “Word Vomit | “You just fold in the cheese”” →
Life

Word Vomit | This week… has been rough

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Word Vomit | This week… has been rough

On Mother’s Day the hubs went to the ER and got tested for COVID which came back positive. They gave him some medicine and an inhaler. He also picked up some Vit C which I’ve been popping like a mf because 1) they’re yummy and 2) everyone and their mama has been telling me to pretty much OD on Vit C. Thankfully I had minor symptoms, and most of them became the worst at night. Bubba however probably had the worst of it. Between coughing, struggling to breathe and a fever. He literally spent about 2 weeks doing nothing but laying around watching KDrama and coughing his soul out bit by bit. I only had a low grade fever, body aches and a migraine for a day then for 3 days after I had this weird ass dizziness that felt like my soul was trying to ditch my body. And now on day 6 I’ve lost some of my sense of taste but other than that I feel 90% better. Granted I didn’t feel horrible by any means. I’m still pissed at the people who claim surviving COVID is 98% chance. Because sure, some people survive but at what cost. I can see how this virus can fuck with your organs and your lungs. I would much rather have a few days of side effects from a vaccine than weeks of not knowing how you’re gonna feel from one hour to the next.

Def could had went the rest of my life not catching COVID. Bubba said he might had got it from a co-worker so there was sort of no way around that.

This passed week Sophie had been acting weirder than usual. She was constantly crying day and night and she wouldn’t eat her medicated food. Her eyesight was in and out and it was just horrible to witness. She had a mass in one of her eyes growing last Oct, we were told that they weren’t going to remove it because of her age and her kidney failure, it might had done more damage than good. On Friday she was struggling to breathe and just laid there. It was pretty obvious she wasn’t going to make it much longer. I tried my best to stay with her as long as I could before I had to go to bed since I was still feeling sick — the whole fuckin thing just sucked.

By the time Bubba woke up the next morning she was gone. As long we knew this day would come, nothing really prepares you for death of any kind. I feel so numb. Sophie was a birthday gift from my mom the year of my divorce. She was 10. She had been at the adoption center for 3 years waiting for a home. Despite knowing she was an older cat I told myself I wanted to give her a life of love for however longer she had left. It’s been 6 years.

And in that 6 years we had an adventure of happiness, trauma and sadness. Through it all, she would sit with me when I did dishes, when I felt sick, when I was angry. She was the sweetest cat. She never once bit anyone. It didn’t matter how you pestered her, she would never ever bite anyone (except me but she’d lick where she bit after she did). She was patient with Tums and would follow her around. I don’t know if Tums notices she’s gone yet — but it does feel a little bit more empty and quiet without Sophie.

I can feel my mind blocking off certain thoughts; the reality of what losing Sophie means.

I’m suppose to be catching up on things today and for the first time in a long time I just… don’t feel like blogging. I know I’m suppose to give myself time to grieve. But I don’t even know if I want to let myself.

Life

Monthly Recap | Feb 2021

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Monthly Recap | Feb 2021

I can’t think if I’ve done a monthly recap post here… I know I try to do them regularly on my review blog. But I feel like Feb was significant. At least in the aspect of growth and the universe slapping me upside my head pretty much all month.

My bro said something super interesting the other day;

You need to learn something; until you learn or come to terms with whatever it is, God is going to keep sending you back to figure it out. You ain’t done it in your past lifetime, so now you here in this one doing the same ass shit.

When I say I love blogging, I mean it’s all I’ve ever thought about since I started in 1999. I’m always looking forward to writing my blog posts or about my day. Writing has been my therapy forever and people have tried to take it away from me. But honestly, there’s just something about blogging for me that goes beyond passion. I don’t know why or how. Or what I’m suppose to do with it. But I literally think about blogging ALL THE TIME. So I’m considering what he’s saying and trying to figure out what it is I’m suppose to be doing.

Let’s get on to the recap before I go into the in my feels stuff.

Feb Faves;

EOS Creme Brulee lip balm

Self Care YouTube videos

Audiobooks

Cherry Coke

Feb Discoveries;

I discovered cozy gaming both on YouTube and on TikTok. I also discovered cozy living. I won’t go as far as say Hygge because it’s a bit different than that. I’ve come across a ton of awesome self improvement channels that I can not wait to binge watch! I’ve missed watching normal vlogs on YouTube and I’m so glad I found these! I also decided to take my gaming name a little more seriously; so, introducing my gaming TikTok as well as my gaming blog that has nothing on it right now but will!

I also discovered, I don’t like snow as much as I thought I would! We had crazy snow here in TX and the state wasn’t prepared for it since it’s never happened before. Which is weird, what is Texas prepared for? We were lucky enough in our area that our power and water didn’t go out. But just in case I made sure all of me and Tum’s devices were charged and that every battery bank of mine I could find was fully charged as well. I also made sure to keep candles either lit or nearby. I had never experienced snow before and while it was cool to see snow falling and see inches of snow outside as well as on my balcony; I had absolutely no snow gear so I couldn’t go play!

YouTube Channel Discoveries;

Anh Lin

How cute is her channel theme? I love that her channel focuses on home and gardening! I find the older I get the more I wish I was better at gardening (my mom is crazy talented with keeping every single one of her plants alive), but I can’t even keep a freakin Cactus alive. I don’t know. Is there hope for me?!

Muchelle B

I’d really like to start living a more mindful and fulfilling life. I feel like since moving to Texas I lost the freedom feeling of being inspired and my soul being where it belongs. And it sucks. It’s a weight I wake up with every single day. And I don’t know how to ease it or make it stop. So I’m trying to shift my perspective as much as I can before I lose my shit.

Watching videos like the ones Muchelle posts really helps me to remember the art of slow living (which has never been a thing for me). That taking care of ME is more important than anything else besides you know, paying bills and making sure my girls are fed. I’m working on it ok?

Amy Landino

I just recently stumbled on this channel, as in today. But we’re sticking with the self love, slow living, motivational videos.

Lavendaire

I love Aileen’s videos because as an Asian American it’s so easy to relate to. It provides some insight and that someone understands the struggles we go through with our parents and our upbringing — but also to say it out loud. I’ve always wanted to start a Filipino American blog, if anything to just get the trauma of it all out and hopefully find closure at the same time. Watching her videos have been truly therapeutic.

Koze / Kalyn Nicholson

Of course this all started years ago when I stumbled on Kalyn’s channel and when she created her brand/podcast Koze. The idea of slow living was beyond what I could understand at the time, but I loved watching her simple videos of doing things the cozy way.

Feb Reading Wrap Up;

Sadly I only read one book in Feb, but at least it was a book I really really liked, right?

I read and finished the second book in this series; the audiobooks are fantastic. I’m on Bridge of Souls now and I’m enjoying it just as much as I did the last 2. However Bridge of Souls is actually creepy. Like the concept is. But it takes place in New Orleans, I guess it has to be much more creepy than the rest. I’m scared to find out if this series is a trilogy, I’m not ready for it to end!

Tunnel of Bones is probably my favorite of the 3, and not because she was in Paris. Or because a ton of yum French foods were featured. Or because I’m obsessed with France. The story of the demon boy was so interesting. I get it was suppose to be creepy and I guess it could be but I could not stop listening. I didn’t dare to Google it and find out if it’s a true story or not. But I have been wanting to with a few of these!

Yes it’s a middle grade series, but it’s one of those MG reads that I would SO prefer over every genre. The friendship between Cass and Jacob is so wholesome. I ship their friendship; I won’t mess it up by saying I ship them. You don’t need to date your best friend, sometimes just being bff’s is enough.

February had a lot of ups and downs; things I’m still trying to deal with and make sense of, even if they’re tucked in the back of my mind. For now. But I’m confident I can figure this out, that I can make sense of these things.

So here’s to March; a month of starting the healing process. It’s gonna get wild ya’ll.

Mental Health

Monday Mindful Manifestation

by Hazel Vee6 Comments on Monday Mindful Manifestation

This was actually a quote provided by Word Swag which is an app I use for tagging my photos or if I want to put text in an image. I love the font options and they also provide quotes.

This is one saying/quote I remember hearing in high school and it really struck me. I get that moving around isn’t everyone’s cup of coffee but it’s mine. I get that traveling isn’t everyone’s desire, but it’s mine and it always has been.

I never believed in staying in one place forever. Even as a child I dreamed of all the states I could move to and all the countries and cultures I could see and experience.

A lot of things didn’t happen. Some things took years to happen. And with this pandemic my soul just aches in a way I can’t explain; I miss getting on a plane. I miss experiencing new places and new things. And now it seems like all of that is lost.

So this week I want to remind myself that it isn’t lost, it’s just going to take some time. In the meantime, focus on here and now. On rebuilding your passions and teaching Tums to find hers. I’m also going to remind myself that traveling will be much more fun once she can walk on her own (and less tiring on me)!

I also want to remind myself that just because here isn’t where you want to be doesn’t mean you can’t look for new adventures. Wasn’t I the one who said adventure can be found anywhere?

I need to remind myself that it’s ok if things feel hard; but it’s not ok to stay there. At some point you gotta get up and find something to look forward to.

What is a thought or saying you’d like to remind yourself this week?

Life

My 35th Quarantine Birthday

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on My 35th Quarantine Birthday

At the start of this year I was annoyed that my birthday landed on Easter; I hate when my birthday lands on Easter cause that means  everything is closed. So I usually opt to go on vacation for my birthday instead to avoid this.

So I booked a trip to Vegas (where I haven’t been back to in about 13 years) considering I haven’t left Texas since I moved here almost 4 years ago and I am in desperate need to get out and go on vacation. Not to mention last year my birthday was not something I’d like to look back on considering I was suffering from heavy postpartum depression and everyone was acting like they didn’t know wtf it was, so I suffered kinda in silence for a few months.

Then  the quarantine happened and all of us hot headed Aries folks are now stuck at home. To celebrate  in our houses.

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Dallas Eats — Bisous Bisous Pâtisserie

by Hazel Vee7 Comments on Dallas Eats — Bisous Bisous Pâtisserie

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Bisous Bisous Pâtisserie located in Uptown Dallas, TX is a bakery that’s been on my foodie bucket list for awhile.

They always feature the cutest shaped Macarons and most recently they added letter and number cakes to their menu’s. We’re actually planning on getting one for Baby Lo’s baby shower!

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They offer not only a huge range of Macarons to choose from but mini cakes and tarts as well. They also do full sized cakes and Macaron Towers for events.

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Bubba went ahead and grabbed a box of Macarons for us to try and I grabbed a pastry. I’m trying to remember the flavors he grabbed; Tiramisu, Gingerbread, Mint Chocolate, Coconut, and I can’t remember the last two… I wanna say Lemon and Raspberry but I’m not 100% sure anymore lol.

We’ve tried a handful of Macaron places in the last 2 years but this place as BY FAR been one of the best Macaron places we’ve tried! The flavors are definitely there and will definitely punch you in the throat! I wasn’t a big fan of the Gingerbread simply because you could TASTE the Ginger and pretty strongly at that! Bubba however loved it. My fav of all of them had to be the Toasted Coconut.

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That awkward moment when you’re trying to take blogger photos in front of the bakery and you accidentally actually EAT the Macaron lol!

Bubba was snapping the photos and he’s like; “DID YOU BITE INTO IT?!” lmao whoops. I couldn’t resist lmao!

If you’re ever in the Uptown Dallas area or looking for a bakery that sells true to flavor Macarons I HIGHLYYYY suggest checking out Bisous Bisous!

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Explore Your City — Uptown Dallas

by Hazel VeeLeave a Comment on Explore Your City — Uptown Dallas

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2018 was a whirlwind of a year.

I also hate how out of order my posts are going to be for the next month; I still have one or two 2018 posts I want to write but I’ve already started writing 2019 posts. Whoops.

Pregnancy brain.

For one of the last trips to Dallas in 2019 I wanted to try a French bakery that I’ve had my eye on pretty much all year — Bisous Bisous Pâtisserie which is located in Uptown Dallas. I won’t be reviewing the bakery in this post, I’m saving that for a different post cause it deserves its own post. Trust me.

I’ve wanted to change the content for hazearella (my lifestyle/makeup/candle blog) for a few years now but never had the drive to make the content or take the pictures I wanted. So I decided on this day, I was going to.

I wanted to start 2019 with being the blogger I always wanted to be; to my surprise when I pitched this idea to Bubba his only response was: “F I N A L L Y.” Gotta love a man who supports your passions!

I’m still working on not being camera shy and I’m still working on how to pose for photos. I’m so use to being behind the camera and when I’m not, I’m usually turned around or taking a selfie.

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I hope in 2019 I’m able to let go of these small silly insecurities. That I’m able to express myself more and be okay with the fact that no matter how hard I try sometimes my makeup isn’t going to always be perfect. Or that not every photo will be perfection. But I hope to post it all anyway. I hope to have fun with it. I hope to fall in love with lifestyle blogging the way I always dreamed and wanted.

I also hope to learn how to dress myself like a human being as well! I told myself no hoodies in 2019 (I mean of course there’s certain exceptions but for the most part if we’re going OUT OUT, no hoodies). I use to put effort into dressing nice and doing my hair and putting on makeup; I want to get back into that habit again.

Because it made me feel good. It made me feel awake and alive. It made me feel productive. And with a baby on the way — I’m sure you can assume how drained and blah I feel on a daily basis. Pulling yourself out of that is hard; but I don’t want to end up like those mama’s who can’t find time to take care of themselves and end up blaming the baby.

Baby Lo is here to enhance my life. Not take over it. Not change it. Not take things away from me. But add on that extra encouragement. The extra smile and laugh while I figure out this new chapter in my life that’s coming up quick!

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Happy 2 years~!

by Hazel Vee1 Comment on Happy 2 years~!

Two years ago I married my best friend in a different world.

I can’t believe it’s been two whole years since then! Time truly does fly when you’re having fun, I guess. Because it definitely doesn’t feel like two years. It feels like we just got married. But thinking of the span of time from this day to today and everything that has happened between is crazy.

I’m thankful for this moment. For this day. For the friends that were once family and though they’re not anymore I still keep these memories close to me. I’m thankful for the man by my side who did everything in his power to be there for me — a random girl he met on a video game states away and how he never left my side.

I definitely didn’t know what I was getting into when I decided to say yes to Sir Penny’puss.

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This boy with his smooth lines, sexy catboi and his sexy glamours who for the last two years since we became friends had made sure that I go to sleep every single night with a smile on my face. Who’s never taken his eyes or his attention off of me.

(Don’t worry, my hotbar doesn’t look like that anymore)

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