#onelittleword 2022

Hello 2022.

I had such a hard time picking a word for 2022 cause there were just so many good ones that could apply to this year. But one thing I really want to focus and work on is finding balance.

Finding balance between work and rest. Between motherhood and me time. Between just adulthood and making time to see my friends, wherever they are. Finding the balance of stress and ease. And accepting that this will be a journey. Not a destination. I want to learn to how to find the balance to where my life doesn’t feel so… hectic all the time. I miss having the time and energy to just create or game and I want that feeling back, it’s def hard with a clingy toddler but we’re both going to have to figure this out, together.

I have other resolutions… or intentions. I’ll be making a whole different post about that though. There’s a lot I have planned for 2022, but literally, right now, even after having coffee all I want to do is nap for another hour lol.

Here’s to 2022!

Brain Dump | Goodbye 2021

I had hoped to have all of this week’s blog posts formatted and ready to be posted but that didn’t happen. I love doing recap posts just to see how my year went, so I’ll probably be posting those all through January if I can get them done.

My BFF is super prompt on the whole “sooo, what’s on your resolutions list?” I honestly haven’t really given it much detailed though this time. I was trying to write one up this morning and I just couldn’t really think of anything. Or I just want to see where 2022 takes me. A bunch of stuff on my 2021 resolutions list didn’t happen… but far better things did happen. And while I can set my intentions for 2022, I really want to see what happens if I don’t bind myself to resolutions. I am still doing #OneLittleWord and I think I settled on a word already.

Okay just kidding, I wrote a list just to have something to send to my BFF lmao. I want to focus on doing more shadow work. On healing cause I’m not that boring as I think I am without my sarcasm and dark jokes either. And because Tums deserves the best version of me, always. I want to work on not holding on to things or people that don’t deserve a space in my life, energy or mind space. I definitely want to make big money moves for my shop… I don’t know what that means exactly but we’re gonna figure it out!

I’m realizing my friends think the world of me and my ability. I’m realizing that they believe in me more than I could ever imagine. They’ve been sos supportive since I opened my shop and it just gives me warm fuzzy feelings… and makes me want to go home even more. I want to see myself how they see me. I want to believe in me like they believe in me — and I use to — I don’t know why I stopped. I don’t know why outsiders opinions leave you heavy when you know they don’t know you. That’s also something I really want to change. I know me. My circle knows me. My daughter knows me. And that should be enough.

2021, you were a relief after the shit I had to deal with in 2020. I found my footing again. I started to move back into who I know I am. I made changes. I made things happen. I chased ridiculous dreams and it came out amazing. I grew closer to people that bring so much value to my life. I fell into something I didn’t know I wanted until it happened; and it’s been such a refreshing and amazing feeling. It’s not easy and it’s not going to be easy, but it is worth it. I got to go home, twice. And that alone made 2021 the best.

I ended up getting COVID, and my friends sent me get well gifts for no reason. And I can’t even put into words how that made me feel. I’m so lucky. I lost my best fur baby, and I miss her every single day. But I’m thankful she’s no longer in pain, she’s no longer silently suffering. I did what I said I would do — give you a life full of love for as long as you had left. And you weren’t just loved by me, but literally every other person who had the pleasure of meeting you. You were loved by people states away who loved seeing photos of you. You were loved by so many people and I’m so happy I got to give you that. I will forever miss your thump tail hugs. I will forever miss you.

My daughter grew into more of a person. She’s only 2 this year but her growth has been so amazing to watch. Seeing how fast she can learn and learning things that she loves has been such a joy to watch. She started talking in complete sentences and now has the ability to actually have conversations with us. She is SO polite. She says “bless you”. She says “thank you” for everything. She says “oh haha, sowwie!” when I tell her she dropped something. She also cleans up after herself. She’s such a mama’s girl, for sure and she loves to just hang out with me or has to constantly have to be touching me somehow. I love that I’m her comfort, but I’m also SO overwhelmed about it as well. I guess there’s no way around either end of the spectrum.

I made new friends through blogging and social media and I am so thankful for them. There are some crazy amazing, inspiring and creative people out there. And staying around those who have the same goals as you is such an inspiring thing.

Seasonal depression might had hit me hard this year, but I also experienced so much love and happiness despite it. And I owe this year to the people who stood by my side through everything. Who constantly gas me up and who will stay up listening to me vent for as long as I need to.

So to my circle; thank you a million fuckin times. You guys have my heart.

To the people I managed to make new connections with through the blog and social media; I am so proud of all the accomplishments I got to witness you achieve. I’m glad you’re in my life.

To my BFF’s; I don’t even know how to begin thanking you. But even through disagreements and low key fall outs, it’s the way we fell back together that really matters. Knowing that even if you were upset with me and taking your space, didn’t mean you stopped thinking of me or caring about me and that means SO much. I know I’m not anywhere close to perfect. I know I made some DUMB ASS choices and I’m glad that you guys are there to call me out on it. D A I L Y.

If 2021 is any indication of what lies ahead for me, I’m so ready to meet 2022.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s moving week.

I move every year. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing I do. A thing I’m use to. The one obvious proof I clearly have commitment issues. I have moved every year since 2011; that’s almost 10 years of moving and I’ve never renewed a lease. There’s too many other places and areas to discover! I don’t do well with staying in one place for too long.

You’d think with knowing this I’d be PRO at packing and unpacking right? Hell no. Not even close. I feel like every year I have even MORE stuff than the last time I had to pack/move. I guess now that I have a toddler that doesn’t really make anything better either. And even worse is we haven’t even started packing yet. I don’t know what is going on but I’m definitely disappointed in myself.

Continue reading “Monday Mindful Manifestation”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I stumbled on this quote on Pinterest last week. I’m not sure if this is actually something I can manifest but it’s something I can definitely consider. Well I guess I could manifest it too.

I use to be a pretty open book; I don’t add people to my FB unless I know them or know I can trust them. When I added my in laws my mom told me to either delete them or to stop talking about my mental health. She was afraid they’d think I was crazy. I told her not to worry and they don’t judge like that. Not to mention one of my husband’s sisters works in mental health.

What I didn’t know was that they were pretty selective lurkers. It seems like they’d catch a gist of my post but now the whole thing. So in January when his mom and sisters targeted me, his adopted sister in law and his adopted brother in law, his bio sister who works in mental health and his mom had a lot to say about my mental health. Saying I was full of shit and I was crazy and basically everything my mom warned me about.

Granted this is the second time in laws have done this to me.

Don’t you just hate when your mom is right?!

But there are so many of my friends that message me thanking me for being so honest and transparent about the things I struggle with because it helps them feel less alone. Because it helped them sort out their own feelings about a similar situation. And I end most of these posts on a positive note.

Ever since I was diagnosed with OCD, depression and mild anxiety I wanted to change the conversation. I hated how my ex husband thought I was “making it up”. I hated how hard it was to find info on OCD and anxiety back then (think the days before Google). I read every article I could find, every book. To try and understand why this was happening to me. If it was cureable. If it would ever go away.

How could your brain just break and how do you unbreak it?

I didn’t like how alone I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone. Anxiety is already a very unkind friend living in your head. Just be fuckin kind to other people. I’m pretty sensitive when someone attacks me because of my anxiety. And I’m most likely going to cut them off forever because they are literally not my type of my people and definitely not my audience.

Because of this I have scaled back on posting on FB at all. I don’t even know the last time I posted a picture of the kiddo. And tbh, that’s unfair to my mom.

So I could remind myself that writing about what hurts helps people.

And all I ever want to do is make people feel less alone. Less misunderstood. It’s just so hard to write when I’m constantly wondering if they’re lurking my stuff for more shit to talk about me. And yes, it shouldn’t matter. But it makes me so uncomfortable.

Last time this happened it was the final straw that made us consider a divorce, it got so bad I tried filing for a restraining order against my then mother in law and sister in law.

But this is something I struggle with every day and it fuckin sucks.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Resurfaced situations suck. There’s no way around that. And despite how respectful or kind you are to someone; they can still belittle, disrespect and drag your name across the mud and the reality is there’s nothing you can do about it. I always say “people will be people,” as in, they’ll always be who they ARE regardless of their situations, environment’s or the kindness they get from others.

But knowing this doesn’t help that I get anxiety over certain things. That I sit up wondering why someone doesn’t like me if I’ve never done anything to them. And this is something that’s haunted me pretty much my whole life. People won’t like me because of a third party source. I grew up in a place where people wouldn’t like you because they wanted your man. They didn’t like you BECAUSE you were “too nice”. So growing up with that constant reminder made me super guarded.

But when people who trust do it to you; it’s a whole different kind of hurt and anger. Despite knowing these people are just who they are and best thing you can do is put distance between you and them. Some people will never be honest, will never own up to why they did something to hurt you. And that SHOULD be none of your business in the sense that holding on to something expecting an answer only hurts you. And not at all them.

There are a lot of things in life we can’t control. But the things we can control; like how we react to situations. The fights we show up for. Not letting bitter people make you bitter as well. Finding your own peace. Are things we should spend more time and energy on. I know it’s easier said than done, I literally have to actively choose the road of positivity. While you seem to just auto cruise on the road of negativity. But it’s another thing that’s mainly a journey and not a destination.

So this week I will focus on the things I CAN control and not give so much time to the things I CAN’T control.

What do you hope to manifest for yourself this week?