Brain Dump | This Shi Again

I have a forever pimple on my scalp and it’s really making the left side of my head hurt? I don’t know how to explain it. But I should probably stop fuckin with it. A friend told me recently I need to stop cussing so much in my posts cause it makes it lose its integrity. Fuck that. Freedom of speech mf. Keep scrolling if you’re bothered.

My daily routine of Cherry Cokes have no been replaced with mf Red Bull. So over the last 2 weeks I’ve been at an 8 and my poor cousin has had to suffer while my mind is running a mile a second. But I’ve never felt this awake in years so I’m going to bask in the fact that I’m not some weird underlying type of tired. Why did I stay away from these again?

I’m in a weird limbo state in my life — I want to talk about it but I kind of can’t. But then I don’t think I ever want to talk about it either? It’s such a weird thing. It tests my ability to be transparent and I hate that.\

Me: Ahhh! There’s a CRICKET in the grass!
Thiswae: DO YOU SEE THE RED FLAG ITS HOLDING UP MF?!

Gotta love when my brother refuses to let me escape a subject. Mf. There’s a fine line between coming at someone from a place of empathy and love and just being a straight up controlling bitch. It’s a very fine line. But let’s talk about control. Like what’s up with that? LET PEOPLE BE THEM. At the end of the day, they’ll do whatever tf they want. AS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO. Why come into someone’s life just to tell them what to do? Just to mold them into who you want? Go get you a block of clay with that shit.

Jealousy is toxic
Insecurities are toxic

Fite me.

And if you cared about someone you would address this shit and not just go behind their back and not say shit. By all means, do whatever strokes your ego, but don’t be upset when it results in trust being broken. That’s on you. Handle that insecurity or whatever it is before coming to someone. I swear, the older people get, the DUMBER they are. I need to surround myself with people who are TRULY committed to self-improvement, productivity and mf shadow work. I have trauma only works for so long. GET. IT. TOGETHER. Or go find people who are on the same spiritual level as you. Cause the rest of us do not have the patience to do your healing for you.

I think for the rest of May I’m going to work on Marie Condo-ing my entire life. I’ll keep you all updated on how that goes.

Brain Dump | The Steady Struggle

I’ll be honest, nothing too new has been happening. I’ve settled into a sort of comfortable routine. One that makes it so I get my daughter for a week then her dad gets her for a week and on and on and on. It is strange on the weeks she’s not with me. And the week that she is, I feel like they go by way too fast. But she’s settled into our normal routine from before all of this happened.

I’ve jumped back on FFXIV as I’ve mentioned before. I got my Weaver to 90 and I’m still nowhere near Endwalker. My Fisher is about to hit 90 as well. I just really don’t enjoy doing MSQ. I know I should get it done though if I want to experience the new area’s. I heard Cozy Grove got a DLC update and I don’t even know when was the last time I turned my Switch Lite on. I did get CG for the PS5 too so I could stream. But we’ll see. I also picked up a few cute indie games. Still want Kingdom Hearts though and since my PS5 is digital only, I’ll have to re-buy it (I don’t mind digital only honestly — most of my games on my PSN are digital because I move so much. It wouldn’t make sense to have a ton of physical games).

My BFF is house hunting in my area but he hasn’t decided if he likes or dislikes Texas. He wants to invest in buying a house here because compared to California it’s ridiculously cheap and if he’s able to pay it off quickly he can turn it into an Air B&B or rent it out. And with as many people trying to move to TX as there is, it’s a pretty smart move. If you have the money to do it.

Along with that though, I’ve been reminded of things within the Filipino culture I never really paid much attention to. But the more time I witness my BFF and his own parents interaction, the more I’m being reminded of things I lonnnnng forgot about. And it makes me question why Filipino parents — mom’s mostly — are like this? Of course asking my own mom isn’t helpful since she too was guilty of the same thing (and honestly probably still is) so she like to be “unaware” as she’s tried to reason with me about his parents actions. But I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I left home a long time ago and my mom know’s there really isn’t much she can say to make me do what she wants.

That’s the thing about me: at the end of the day I will always do what I want.

It’s my toxic trait. Or not toxic. I don’t think it’s toxic. But the people who don’t like that you have boundaries will say it’s toxic. Well sip sip mf, drink that poison.

I filed for the divorce and holyyyy crap does it suck. Just sending in the papers to the courthouse was close to $500! Like wtf? When I got divorced without kids the last time I didn’t even have to pay anything until AFTER my court hearing. But I had to pay this upfront and there was no way around it?! And this is just the first part! Like wth Texas?! Why is getting divorced with a child 1) so freakin complicated and 2) so expensive?! Like bro, is it not bad enough that I have to battle for custody? WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED?! This is freakin ridiculous! Next time I say I’m getting married, someone just slap me in the back of the head with a 2×4. K? Thanks. There’s also a 61 day waiting period before we can get a court date. So I feel like the next 2 months are going to be some weird Twilight Zone limbo state.

In the mean time I will be re-enrolling into school to finish my BS in Comm and I’ll be applying to remote Comm jobs mostly in my area. I really need to fix my credit and find financial health. Is there somewhere most adults buy it from? Cause some adult things are way beyond me.

Meanwhile my BFF is dropping $200+ on brunch every time he takes me out to eat in Napa.

To be fair, I’m really really proud of him. When we were kids trying to drop out (or you know, I was trying to kill myself) we made a promise. He would come back to Bethel High senior year and he would be sitting right next to me when we graduated high school. That kept me going to finish high school; because we promised. Senior year however, I got kicked out of Bethel and sent to a Continuation High School and Dru managed to go back to Bethel. I went to see him on campus on days I either got out of school early or didn’t go to school. He ended up dropping out before graduation though because honestly Bethel was crap. He ended up getting his GED, I ended up repeating senior year and didn’t graduate high school until 2004 instead of 2003. And we lost touch for awhile. We’ve done and accomplished a lot since high school. He now works as an oil refinery operator and firefighter making six figures, has a crazy high credit score, owns a timeshare in Cancun and an Rx7. Wasn’t the car we talked about as kids that we would get, but at least one of us got their race car.

Proof you don’t have to be ~perfect~ at high school to make it in life. You just have to be determined and driven to be more. High School isn’t for everyone — it def wasn’t it for us — but we’re far from being nothing just because of it. Except you know, we’re still the black sheep of our families. But it’s cool. Who wants to fit in anyway lol.

I wish I had a story to tell that makes me six figures, but I don’t. Not yet. I just started to crawl out of a deep dark depression and I finally feel like I can breathe again. I guess that’s a success story on its own, right? I’m still adjusting to motherhood because every new phase is a new challenge in itself.

I’ll be alright. I always am. I just gotta focus on my goals. And on coming back here to write so Thiswae can stop saying she’s a blogger, kinda, not really, but she is but she not lol. Eff you bro. I know you say it to piss me off and get me to write. And it’s kinda working.

Watch this though.

Hello February

February always reminds me of when I really started to write in this blog. I had originally called it Places & Peonies and it was suppose to be a safe place for me to blog. I needed somewhere I could be transparent and unfiltered. I had just suffered a miscarriage and everyone around me (minus my BFF Xyl) was telling me that “it’s not something to blog/post about” but blogging has always been my therapy. Since 1999. So to tell me I can’t talk about this life event that hurt me so deeply?

I created this as a secret blog. With the hopes it would help me heal. With the hopes I could fill it with pretty pictures, adventures and be a place I can look back on and remind myself of how hard the journey was, but how I survived it. That was 5 years ago. It’s crazy to see how this blog has shifted and changed since then. I still don’t know wtf my niche for it is. And sometimes I stop myself from posting because I think “is that blog post even helpful?”

And while I do love writing the *insert number here* ways to stay calm or whatever; I also love writing my brain dumps. Because sometimes I just need to write some shit out. And we relate through experiences others share. It helps us feel less alone. So I hate the times when I stop myself from writing how I feel just because I don’t think it’s what blogging is about anymore. I’m trying to be better at it.

Here are a few things I want to accomplish this month;

Continue reading “Hello February”

Brain Dump | Back in Texas…

I got to spend a week back home in Cali and I honestly forgot just how much I loved NorCal. I left 10 years ago saying I’d never come back… I was also a really angry and angsty young adult at the time. I was determined to get my dream job (which I did) and make a life for myself (which I did). I’ve always loved being independent but I was also low key obsessed with it to prove to other people I was capable of everything they kept telling me I wasn’t capable of.

But in reality; NorCal is a beautiful place to visit. There’s literally so much to do and see. You’d rarely ever get bored. Between Silicone Valley, San Francisco and Napa Valley, there’s a lot to do. I forgot how loved I am there. How much my childhood friends love me. How much they only want what’s best for me and want to see me truly happy. Ten years can change a lot of things but one thing that hasn’t changed is the epic convos, adventures and love that they have for me and that I have for them. I’m so glad I got to see my friends while I was there. I’m glad I got to spend a week hanging out with one of my best friends; we have a pretty dope story of how we ended up friends and there’s a lot of irony in it now that we’re adults. But he’s always been the sweetest guy I know, since we were kids. And he’s still just as sweet. And yay for a foodie adventure friend!

I loved seeing my friends with Tums and seeing that they love her just as much as they love me. I loved that she had people to play with and other kids to play with — she got along SO WELL with my friends kids! All of them!

California air just hits different, for sure.

And now I’m back in Texas… where it’s effing snowing right now and something ridiculous like 19 degree’s or something. My eczema is already acting up. Did move into the new apartment and while it’s bigger than the last one it’s also much more expensive and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I mean I love this complex but at the same time… I really want to move back to Cali to be closer to my friends and family. Especially seeing just how much older my mom is now… it’s really kicking up my anxiety big time. And having someone tell you you’re stuck in Texas and can’t move back to Cali or be with your family is just a new level of audacity. At the end of the day, this is still my life and it’s my choice to do what I want when I want. That shouldn’t be anyone else’s choice but my own. And it’s definitely hard to protect your peace when you’re arounds someone who seems to challenge that every chance they get.

Hoping for some clarity in Feb and some solutions.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I low key didn’t realize today was Monday. I’ve had a migraine since yesterday. Gotta love PMS.

I stumbled on this while scrolling through Canva for some inspo. Beyond being a great blogging resource, their template gallery has some really cool inspo!

I have mixed feelings about this quote though; on one hand, I get it. But on the other hand, I don’t want to bend or break. I don’t want to bend to make someone else comfortable if it means making me unhappy. But there are moments where if you don’t bend, you’ll break. Even if you don’t want to do either.

Am I being too cryptic? I really wish I didn’t have to be.

But this is def something I’ve been struggling with since maybe August. Or June. If I’m being honest.

I’m tired of keeping the peace just for the sake of peace whatever that even means any more. I’m tired of having to put my dreams and goals on hold because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I have a solid belief of doing the things I want because life is too short and too short to wait for permission from someone. I’m too free spirited to stay in one place for too long or be told what I can and can’t do.

That’s not to say I would never bend, but I refuse to if it means selling myself short of the things that make me happy or feel alive.

Not just for this week, but for this year; I’m manifesting the strength to be my authentic self and doing what my soul tells me to do.

Hello December

Happy. Freaking. BlogMAS!

It’s finally the last month of 2021 and I’m sure I’m not the only one who is just so ready for 2022 at this point!

I had so many goals for 2021 and I’m happy that I took the steps to make those goals happen. I might not had known what I was doing half the time but half of learning how to do something is to just do it. The last half of 2021 was something else. I would have high expectations for this month since it’s the last month of the year but honestly, I’m just tired. I’m hoping that it doesn’t snow. That it doesn’t get TOO cold. There are fun holiday photos I want to take and holiday things I want to see. But if it’s too cold that’s a pass. Which sucks. Plus I don’t really have friends here who will take photos of me like that so. There’s also that.

There are a few things this month I do want to get done, that have to get done;

| Start cleaning things out and prep for packing/moving

I’m horrible at this one! I always tell myself I’ll purge before a move and I never do. Then I get irritated that I didn’t because then it’s just so much more stuff to pack that I don’t even need. I don’t like the feeling of bringing extra energy you don’t need with you so I’m goig to try really hard to do a way better job with that this move!

| Apple for the new place & put in my 30 day notice

I always forget to do the 30 day notice thing even though I’ve had ONE bad accident with it in the past. But it’s also why I’m a bit iffy about apartment management but I def need to put in my 30 days and apply for the new place. Which I low key also hate doing lol.

| Get rid of more books

I feel like this is a never ending task of mine. I’m forever going to be getting rid of books. I’ve already stopped doing OwlCrate. But with a move coming up, I don’t really want to pack all these books all over again.

| Read 16 books or 6 books or just 1… JUST READ

I’m 16 books behind on my GoodReads challenge and I doubt I’ll be able to finish it this year. Which this is fine. But I do want to at least try and hit as close to my goal as I can.

| Use or toss ALL snacks before the move

I have a problem with hoarding snacks. I need to take pics of the holiday ones I have, but I haven’t yet. I’m trying to be better at hoarding snacks this month and next month before the move. I’m not planning on taking any of this stuff with me.

| Purge clothes… realistically

I have a HUGE problem with this one. But I need to realistically get rid of clothes I don’t even remember I have. I don’t know why I hold on to clothes like that. It’s the weirdest thing to me.

| Eat better

I need to start eating better just because eating fast food as much as I do is starting to catch up to me. I really want to get my health back on track. I need to start going to the gym again too.

| Prep for 2022

This means manage my bills/autopay shit. Purge things (and people) I don’t want to bring with me into 2022 and making clear goals.

What are some things you’re hoping to accomplish this month? Are you ready for 2021 to be over?

Hello Blogtober!

I’m so obsessed with Procreate

How the hell is it October already?! That’s so crazy. This whole year has been crazy!

Although I had said I was going to take a step back from blogging this year, I did want to try doing blogtober as I do every year. I don’t expect to do the whole 31 days, but it would be nice if I did. I do have a trip planner later this month, I’m hoping to get my posts pre-written before then.

OCTOBER GOALS;

— Release October shop update (that’s today)!
— Release small Etsy shop update!
— Keep up with Blogtober
— Complete annual Halloween Reading Challenge
— Get a Halloween costume
— RELAX as much as possible on trip
— Organize office (esp the closet)
— Prep desk so that I can fit small biz stuff on it
— Stop by the State Fair

I’m not trying to give myself too much to do this month since there’s already a lot to focus on. But I’m really excited for this month!

Are you doing blogtober this year?

Life Update | Oh hi, I miss you

Since prepping and launching my Etsy store, my blogs and most of my social media have kind of.. been pushed to the side. Not on purpose, it just sort of happened.

I did finally launch my Etsy shop, which I’m very excited about. What started off as a Disney creative outlet turned into a Filipino inspired one instead. I do have a bunch of Fall ideas that are Disney/non Filipino themed, but it’s just crazy how that sort of happened. I’ve been playing with a bunch of sticker paper and I even gave in and bought a full sized Cricut because the Joy was pissing me off. So now I’m on the search for my favorite type of paper and finding the right lament… and holographic paper. It’s a lot lol. Ironically the tee’s are way easier to design/produce. There isn’t much there to search for lol.

I got to see Wicked for the 15th time last night as an anniversary gift from Bub. In all the 14 times I’ve seen Wicked no one else has bought my (or the person coming with me) tickets. So it was kind of nice to have him buy my tickets but I also felt super bad. We did have floor seats and I’m glad he enjoyed the musical. The Glinda on tour is my favorite. She’s so extra and bubbly and cute. I loved her performance! Tums didn’t come with us, but we bought her a Wicked plushie lol. We had to. We’re those parents. She loves him though, so that’s all that matters.

Literally all of July in my camera roll is shirts and stickers I’ve been designing, inspo shots and like the random Target trip lol.

I am however SO ready for Fall!

How have all of you been? I miss being here!

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I love these; really wish I knew what to search for when it comes to the cute illustrations on Canva!

I’m feeling a bit neither here or there today. The weekend was a bit of a blur. I am feeling a little discouraged but this is how I work sadly. I get super obsessed and excited about a project idea… then I kind of… debate quitting. The only thing that’s never happened with is blogging. But blogging/journaling has always been my personal therapy so it probably isn’t seen as a project in my head? I’m not sure.

This week I’m manifesting a little bit of self care.

I find that if I tend to stray away from talking on the phone or verbally talking to my bff’s I get like this more often lol. Doesn’t help that they both have super time consuming jobs (a firefighter and a mental health wing nurse), the time zones don’t help either but this is adulthood.

I have also stopped Saging and it’s been a bit since I’ve done aromatherapy. I don’t even remember the last time I took a bubble bath — I’m not sure why all of these things I loved have slipped away from me suddenly.

If you’re struggling like I am lately; here’s your reminder to take some time for you this week. No one’s got you like you got you. So it has to be some sort of priority that you take care of yourself, for your sake and sanity.

I hope to remember to Sage more this week, to read a new book, take a walk on the treadmill at the gym (I find it soothing) and squeeze in a bath this week (I got myself a Sleepy bath gift set for myself this weekend from LUSH).

What are some ways you’re hoping to indulge in a bit of self care?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Do you remember who you were before someone tried to tell you who you are?

No one knows us better than we know ourselves, despite what anyone thinks or wants to believe. They don’t live in your head or soul, they can’t hear your inner thoughts, they only know what they see on the outside.

So why do we let other people dictate who we are. What we do. What we’re capable of? It’s easy to listen to someone on the outside, and I’m still trying to figure out why and how that is. It’s frustrating af. But apparently knowing this doesn’t make it easier to stop letting it happen. Not everyone has the best intentions for you — no matter who they are in your life. Some people just don’t want to see other people, esp those close to them win or do better than they are.

This has been heavy on my mind this last week. I’m diving into a project I’ve been thinking of for literally over 12 years but just never had the courage to actually do. It’s amazing what having the right people around you can convince you that you can do anything. I realize every time I feel myself holding back and wondering why. What am I so scared of? It’s not like any of this is new or harder than anything else I’ve done. It’s just, different.

I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone this year. I feel like I’ve been stagnant the whole time I’ve been in TX and it’s making my soul itch. I really want to talk about what I’ve been working on but it’s also been why posts have slowed down around here as well. I’ll link my instagram for it soon!

It’s been raining here all week. Yesterday it got up to 80* and my Floridan self regret not wearing shorts. The heat here is like CA. It just HITS you. It’s not humidity which feels like a warm hug from inside a marshmallow.

I hope you all have a happy and positive week!