Brain Dump | The Steady Struggle

I’ll be honest, nothing too new has been happening. I’ve settled into a sort of comfortable routine. One that makes it so I get my daughter for a week then her dad gets her for a week and on and on and on. It is strange on the weeks she’s not with me. And the week that she is, I feel like they go by way too fast. But she’s settled into our normal routine from before all of this happened.

I’ve jumped back on FFXIV as I’ve mentioned before. I got my Weaver to 90 and I’m still nowhere near Endwalker. My Fisher is about to hit 90 as well. I just really don’t enjoy doing MSQ. I know I should get it done though if I want to experience the new area’s. I heard Cozy Grove got a DLC update and I don’t even know when was the last time I turned my Switch Lite on. I did get CG for the PS5 too so I could stream. But we’ll see. I also picked up a few cute indie games. Still want Kingdom Hearts though and since my PS5 is digital only, I’ll have to re-buy it (I don’t mind digital only honestly — most of my games on my PSN are digital because I move so much. It wouldn’t make sense to have a ton of physical games).

My BFF is house hunting in my area but he hasn’t decided if he likes or dislikes Texas. He wants to invest in buying a house here because compared to California it’s ridiculously cheap and if he’s able to pay it off quickly he can turn it into an Air B&B or rent it out. And with as many people trying to move to TX as there is, it’s a pretty smart move. If you have the money to do it.

Along with that though, I’ve been reminded of things within the Filipino culture I never really paid much attention to. But the more time I witness my BFF and his own parents interaction, the more I’m being reminded of things I lonnnnng forgot about. And it makes me question why Filipino parents — mom’s mostly — are like this? Of course asking my own mom isn’t helpful since she too was guilty of the same thing (and honestly probably still is) so she like to be “unaware” as she’s tried to reason with me about his parents actions. But I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I left home a long time ago and my mom know’s there really isn’t much she can say to make me do what she wants.

That’s the thing about me: at the end of the day I will always do what I want.

It’s my toxic trait. Or not toxic. I don’t think it’s toxic. But the people who don’t like that you have boundaries will say it’s toxic. Well sip sip mf, drink that poison.

I filed for the divorce and holyyyy crap does it suck. Just sending in the papers to the courthouse was close to $500! Like wtf? When I got divorced without kids the last time I didn’t even have to pay anything until AFTER my court hearing. But I had to pay this upfront and there was no way around it?! And this is just the first part! Like wth Texas?! Why is getting divorced with a child 1) so freakin complicated and 2) so expensive?! Like bro, is it not bad enough that I have to battle for custody? WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED?! This is freakin ridiculous! Next time I say I’m getting married, someone just slap me in the back of the head with a 2×4. K? Thanks. There’s also a 61 day waiting period before we can get a court date. So I feel like the next 2 months are going to be some weird Twilight Zone limbo state.

In the mean time I will be re-enrolling into school to finish my BS in Comm and I’ll be applying to remote Comm jobs mostly in my area. I really need to fix my credit and find financial health. Is there somewhere most adults buy it from? Cause some adult things are way beyond me.

Meanwhile my BFF is dropping $200+ on brunch every time he takes me out to eat in Napa.

To be fair, I’m really really proud of him. When we were kids trying to drop out (or you know, I was trying to kill myself) we made a promise. He would come back to Bethel High senior year and he would be sitting right next to me when we graduated high school. That kept me going to finish high school; because we promised. Senior year however, I got kicked out of Bethel and sent to a Continuation High School and Dru managed to go back to Bethel. I went to see him on campus on days I either got out of school early or didn’t go to school. He ended up dropping out before graduation though because honestly Bethel was crap. He ended up getting his GED, I ended up repeating senior year and didn’t graduate high school until 2004 instead of 2003. And we lost touch for awhile. We’ve done and accomplished a lot since high school. He now works as an oil refinery operator and firefighter making six figures, has a crazy high credit score, owns a timeshare in Cancun and an Rx7. Wasn’t the car we talked about as kids that we would get, but at least one of us got their race car.

Proof you don’t have to be ~perfect~ at high school to make it in life. You just have to be determined and driven to be more. High School isn’t for everyone — it def wasn’t it for us — but we’re far from being nothing just because of it. Except you know, we’re still the black sheep of our families. But it’s cool. Who wants to fit in anyway lol.

I wish I had a story to tell that makes me six figures, but I don’t. Not yet. I just started to crawl out of a deep dark depression and I finally feel like I can breathe again. I guess that’s a success story on its own, right? I’m still adjusting to motherhood because every new phase is a new challenge in itself.

I’ll be alright. I always am. I just gotta focus on my goals. And on coming back here to write so Thiswae can stop saying she’s a blogger, kinda, not really, but she is but she not lol. Eff you bro. I know you say it to piss me off and get me to write. And it’s kinda working.

Watch this though.

Brain Dump | Back in Texas…

I got to spend a week back home in Cali and I honestly forgot just how much I loved NorCal. I left 10 years ago saying I’d never come back… I was also a really angry and angsty young adult at the time. I was determined to get my dream job (which I did) and make a life for myself (which I did). I’ve always loved being independent but I was also low key obsessed with it to prove to other people I was capable of everything they kept telling me I wasn’t capable of.

But in reality; NorCal is a beautiful place to visit. There’s literally so much to do and see. You’d rarely ever get bored. Between Silicone Valley, San Francisco and Napa Valley, there’s a lot to do. I forgot how loved I am there. How much my childhood friends love me. How much they only want what’s best for me and want to see me truly happy. Ten years can change a lot of things but one thing that hasn’t changed is the epic convos, adventures and love that they have for me and that I have for them. I’m so glad I got to see my friends while I was there. I’m glad I got to spend a week hanging out with one of my best friends; we have a pretty dope story of how we ended up friends and there’s a lot of irony in it now that we’re adults. But he’s always been the sweetest guy I know, since we were kids. And he’s still just as sweet. And yay for a foodie adventure friend!

I loved seeing my friends with Tums and seeing that they love her just as much as they love me. I loved that she had people to play with and other kids to play with — she got along SO WELL with my friends kids! All of them!

California air just hits different, for sure.

And now I’m back in Texas… where it’s effing snowing right now and something ridiculous like 19 degree’s or something. My eczema is already acting up. Did move into the new apartment and while it’s bigger than the last one it’s also much more expensive and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I mean I love this complex but at the same time… I really want to move back to Cali to be closer to my friends and family. Especially seeing just how much older my mom is now… it’s really kicking up my anxiety big time. And having someone tell you you’re stuck in Texas and can’t move back to Cali or be with your family is just a new level of audacity. At the end of the day, this is still my life and it’s my choice to do what I want when I want. That shouldn’t be anyone else’s choice but my own. And it’s definitely hard to protect your peace when you’re arounds someone who seems to challenge that every chance they get.

Hoping for some clarity in Feb and some solutions.

Bit of The Week

I’m still working on a title for this, suffer with me.

Also I never know what word is and isn’t capitalized in titles sometimes, so yes, also suffer that with me lol.

This week has been draining; I don’t know how SAHM’s do it. For years. Cause I’m ready to go back to work — happily!! I love my kid and the only reason why I’m so hesitant to go back to work is because I don’t have anyone here that I trust to watch her if I do work. My brother has been asking me what do I want in life lately and I wish it was that easy to say this or that and do it like I use to. I hate the idea of marriage because I don’t feel free. I don’t feel like I can be myself whole and unapologetic. And I hate it.

I miss my Stars fam and my Stars house… {2016

This week has also been a trip. A reality slap into well, reality. Things I can’t really talk about cause I feel like nowhere is even safe anymore. But it absolutely shook my foundation and I wasn’t expecting that to happen, at all. But it also went without explanation and a lot of reflecting. But hey, that’s life, right?

I’ve also been enjoying these homemade Peppermint Mocha’s, still have yet to get my red cup from Starbucks for this year. But at the same time… I’m not at all in the holiday spirit. I was, but now I’m not and it sucks. You’d think that having a kid and 3 tree’s in the house would idk, make it feel less empty I guess? But I’m right back to where I started. Granted I shouldn’t let other people change my mood or my intention for the holiday and yet I always do. Next year will be happier, I hope.

I’ve been missing my friends so fiercely lately. It makes my heart hurt even more when they say they miss me. I’m counting down the days until I see them all again and get my millions of hugs I requested from them. I did end up swapping gifts with a few of them — who have all said they weren’t going to open their’s until I got mine/on Christmas.

Found my favorite Sour Cherry candy from 8th grade!! I use to smack on these so hard and it would piss my cousin off lol. This is one of those childhood Dollar Tree finds. It’s been years since I saw these!

I got my clothing haul from Shein, and I’m trying to figure out how to do a haul video? Post? Idk. Clothing and me are so weird. Tums is wearing her Easter raincoat I got her from last Spring, it surprisingly still fits her. She also got to take her rainboots out of the house for the first time! Really wish I could find those baby shoes that light up that aren’t rainboots. Toddlers are impossible to take photos of. Goodness.

Speaking of; she got 3 new plushies yesterday at Game Stop. She also has been stacking things like crazy all over the apartment. I randomly find things stacked on things so nice and neatly. And she stole my eggroll while I was on the phone with my friend. Which is weird cause the box was right in front of me and I was looking in that direction the whole time?? Toddlers are sneaky.

My friend and I have always came up with like… secret club names. I don’t know why. We’ve always been this way. We started with MOD (which we should had taken more seriously), then with oG_3 and now like 18 years later (shit we’re old) we have MAS. It’s just what we do. But it’s nice having bits of the week feel like we’re just two teenagers on the phone feeling like high school all over again — until one of our children cries. Then that whole thing is just SHATTERED lol.

And some smaller things to note this week; I got my clammie of Department Store Santa from Honey Soda Co which I LOVE. I really need to post my hauls/reviews of her stuff cause they’re some of my favs from this year. But this scent literally makes my room smell like Starbucks in December. No joke. Not even “slightly” like SPOT FREAKN ON. It’s amazing.

I spotted some super fancy chocolate bars at Central Market. These always interest me but they’re also so expensive. I think this bar was like $9. That’s a dang investment lol. Some day I’ll do a taste test video. Maybe whenever JR gets to Texas! That’ll be fun!

I also finally, after like 4 months, got sushi. And you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find Udon around here?! Like we have Ramen places for days but Udon? Not so much.

I’m in a such a depressed mood today, ah. I’m really hoping I can cheer up before bed and do something productive that my future self can thank me for lol.

How was your week?

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

Me and my bro have been really close since day 1. He’s the first dude to stand up for me in the drop of a hat. Don’t matter if I’m wrong or right, he’s got my back, period. And in all the years I’ve known him, he’s always been there for me. Period. Also probably one of the only Pisces I get along with. We both have a tendency to move around a lot so we haven’t seen each other since… 2007 I wanna say? But conversations with him always feel like a recharge to my soul.

There are moments, days, weeks where my closest friends will do something or say something to remind me how much they truly love and care for me. How absolutely unconditional it is and always has been. And I know I tend to forget that sometimes. I never forget that I’m never ever alone but sometimes I do tend to forget that there are a lot of people who would miss me if I were gone.

Stay close to those who makes you feel like you’re easy to love

Because no one should ever be around energy and around people who make you feel like you’re worthless and not worthy of transparency, love and support. I have found myself in those places one too many times and every time it’s taken a toll on my mental, spiritual, emotional and even my physical health and that’s not okay.

This week I’ll remind myself that no matter where I think I am in life, no matter how behind I personally feel I am, that there are people in this world that still think I’m worthy of everything I dream about. That there are people who know my past, who have lived it WITH ME that never factor it into anything negative. Would never use it as a way to say I’m a bad mom. That there are people who KNOW how much I hated kids and are happy to see how my daughter makes me light up. And that my friends love her just as fiercely as I do.

Wishing you all a good week!