Hello November

I gave up on these posts awhile ago because I was getting discouraged about not even feeling like setting goals. But if I want to get back to my old self, I’m going to have to make a change myself. I feel like I spent most of 2022 just worried and upset. I’m not sure how much of the year I can salvage and at least get a few goals checked off. But doesn’t hurt to try!

| Set up the Christmas tree

This should had already been done but it’s not. I did get a tree, I just haven’t cleared space to put it up yet. I plan to before Thanksgiving at least… hopefully it’ll help my mental health.

| Catch up on October Reading Challenge TBR

I’m so sad I spent most of Oct depressed and didn’t even start on any of my October Reading Challenge books. This is my favorite tradition for myself and I get so bummed when I skip a year.

| Bake something festive

Planning on putting my KitchenAid to use this season. Not sure what I’m going to bake just yet… but I really want to bake something this year.

| Disney+ movie night

Disenchanted comes out this month and I still need to watch the live action Aladdin as well as Mulan. I know, I’m super behind.

| Enjoy family days

Family days are a lot more fun now that Tums is a full on child. I mean it’s not fun when she wants half the store but it is fun to have days out with her. We have some family days I’m looking forward to this month that I’m pretty excited about. And some Christmas stuff we have planned for Tums (and let’s be real, me as well).

| Catch up on gaining needed weight

Because I spent most of this pregnancy depressed, I’m wayyyy behind on the weight gain part of it all. I barely ate in October and as my tummy grows and stretches, it’s starting to become incredibly uncomfortable. I’m trying to do what I can to spend the rest of this pregnancy calm and not stressed out so that the baby won’t be stressed out and the labor will *hopefully* be as easy as it was with Tums. Though I guess that would be asking for a lot at this point.

I really need to find a way to stop feeling horrible about myself and my situation. It’s obviously not the best and it’s not ideal and I sure as hell hate spending the holidays pregnant but it is what it is, the most I can do is learn from it and be more aware of other people and their intentions. No matter who they are or how long I’ve known them.

| Get a prenatal massage

I don’t know if it’s just because I’m older this time around but my back has been killing me more than usual… but mostly in the mid back and not the lower back that usually bothers me. I’m sure getting a nice prenatal massage would be really relaxing and I love the spa I would go to to get massages. They have this aromatherapy thing going on as well and it was always so relaxing. I really want to get back into doing monthly massages like I use to.

I’m hoping November will be a better month for me than October was.

What are some of your November goals?

Brain Dump | Back in Texas…

I got to spend a week back home in Cali and I honestly forgot just how much I loved NorCal. I left 10 years ago saying I’d never come back… I was also a really angry and angsty young adult at the time. I was determined to get my dream job (which I did) and make a life for myself (which I did). I’ve always loved being independent but I was also low key obsessed with it to prove to other people I was capable of everything they kept telling me I wasn’t capable of.

But in reality; NorCal is a beautiful place to visit. There’s literally so much to do and see. You’d rarely ever get bored. Between Silicone Valley, San Francisco and Napa Valley, there’s a lot to do. I forgot how loved I am there. How much my childhood friends love me. How much they only want what’s best for me and want to see me truly happy. Ten years can change a lot of things but one thing that hasn’t changed is the epic convos, adventures and love that they have for me and that I have for them. I’m so glad I got to see my friends while I was there. I’m glad I got to spend a week hanging out with one of my best friends; we have a pretty dope story of how we ended up friends and there’s a lot of irony in it now that we’re adults. But he’s always been the sweetest guy I know, since we were kids. And he’s still just as sweet. And yay for a foodie adventure friend!

I loved seeing my friends with Tums and seeing that they love her just as much as they love me. I loved that she had people to play with and other kids to play with — she got along SO WELL with my friends kids! All of them!

California air just hits different, for sure.

And now I’m back in Texas… where it’s effing snowing right now and something ridiculous like 19 degree’s or something. My eczema is already acting up. Did move into the new apartment and while it’s bigger than the last one it’s also much more expensive and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I mean I love this complex but at the same time… I really want to move back to Cali to be closer to my friends and family. Especially seeing just how much older my mom is now… it’s really kicking up my anxiety big time. And having someone tell you you’re stuck in Texas and can’t move back to Cali or be with your family is just a new level of audacity. At the end of the day, this is still my life and it’s my choice to do what I want when I want. That shouldn’t be anyone else’s choice but my own. And it’s definitely hard to protect your peace when you’re arounds someone who seems to challenge that every chance they get.

Hoping for some clarity in Feb and some solutions.

My Dear Sophie;

I guess I can use blogtober as an excuse to write more about my every day life like I want to… but never do cause well, my every day life isn’t all that interesting.

I’ve had my cat Sophie for 5 years. She was a 30th birthday/divorce gift from my mom. I stumbled on her randomly when I was roaming around PetSmart and I refused to leave the store without her. My mom and ex husband tried to talk me out of it because she was 10 years old. And they kept suggesting I get a kitten. But when people say pets choose their owners I absolutely believed it in that moment. I have no idea why I loved Sophie at first sight, but I did. I learned she had been in that adoption center for 3 years, the lady who ran the independent adoption company was so excited to hear that someone wanted to take Sophie in.

I drove from Orlando to Tampa every Wednesday for 3 weeks to visit her until I was able to save up enough money to take her home. Btw, I’m allergic to cats. And there are times when touching Sophie makes my hands swell, but she’s worth it.

Over the last 5 years we’ve moved 9 times. Between 4 cities and 2 states.

Continue reading “My Dear Sophie;”

“Time won’t wait for you,”

Something my dad constantly, as in every single morning, told me as he was waking me up for school and as I struggled to want to even be alive. And despite how frustrated I made him, he never yelled or got overly mad.

But this is something that has stuck with me my whole life.

It might had contributed to what I call my White Rabbit Syndrome where I feel like I’m constantly racing against time. WHO KNOWS.

The last time I saw my dad; Dec 2013

Today marks one year since my dad passed away after a 8 year battle with Cancer. Whew, counting that blew my mind. While death from Cancer is never a positive outcome, obviously, he was lucky to had lived that long. My dad had his own anxieties that showed up when I was really young. He was obsessed with the fact that he was dying long before he was even diagnosed with Cancer and that was hard to deal with since he’d use it as a reason against an argument or that “I don’t feel good, I might be dying, I don’t know,” I almost feel like being diagnosed brought him some sort of weird anxiety relief.

And at first, it didn’t see so bad. He had radiation therapy and he was constantly sick but it wasn’t anything that seemed like it would disrupt how our lives were normally lived. So I’ll admit that for the first few years it was hard to imagine there was Cancer because nothing really changed. He wasn’t losing hair or weight or anything. A year after he was diagnosed I got my job back at Disney World so in 2013 I moved back to Florida. We came back to visit that December. In October it was my dad who called and told me that my dog passed away. So to be there without him that year was really hard for me.

I never went back after that. I never saw my dad after that.

And that will always be the hardest thing to swallow.

Continue reading ““Time won’t wait for you,””

4 Reasons Why I Blog

I noticed I don’t really have many helpful posts on this blog which are things most people search for or are drawn to; me included! I love writing about my personal experiences and expressing myself but also I want to be able to  help people. One of my goals this year was to build a space for myself where I could open and freely talk about Postpartum Depression and I created a blog specifically for that. Maybe some day I’ll feel comfortable enough to share it across all my other media’s but for now, I’m still paranoid my in laws are stalking my stuff so… there’s that.

I’ve been blogging since 1999. I started on Opendiary then TeenOpenDiary (which is still one of my favorite platforms looking back) then moving on to LiveJournal, Xanga and DeadJournal. I also dabbled in the random LiveJournal-like blog platforms like Blurty (which I’m so sad shut down before I could download my entries) and the like. Then settled into BlogSpot for awhile. I also blogged on Vox which was a great platform and of course both WordPress.com and WordPress.org.

Originally I started a blog because I was tired of my mom reading my diary.

When I was around 6 my dad bought me one of those kid diaries where it came with a literal lock. My mom hated that. She was a bit controlling and extremely nosey when I was a kid and felt like she was entitled to read my diary since I lived in her house. And that’s something I constantly struggled with growing up. There were times the things I’d write in my diary got me in trouble. One particular one was where my brother had done something and I took the blame when it wasn’t my fault and how he gets away with everything. I was maybe 8 or 9 when I wrote that. And as I got older it got worse but in that specific time frame I got in so much trouble for just saying he gets away with everything.

Continue reading “4 Reasons Why I Blog”

“Make sure you take care of yourself,”

It’s officially been a year since the last time my dad called.

A year since the last time I heard his voice.

And it’s so hard to write this. I feel like my chest is going to cave in. The phone call was only about 4 mins long. I still have the call logged on my phone and I make sure it doesn’t get pushed off.

I use to get so annoyed when my dad called. Cause he’d always say the same thing. But he did also always ask how I was doing, I just hated telling him if something was wrong cause he was a massive worrier. I firmly believe if he was still here during this pandemic he would lose his shit. So I would dread picking up the phone.

And of course now that he’s gone I regret every single time I didn’t want to pick up the phone.

The thing about his passing is that from where I am it looked like it was something that happened overnight. My dad was constantly telling me he was “fine, just tired.” and suddenly he wasn’t okay and a few days later he was gone. Just like that. To my mom and brother it wasn’t overnight, but they were there with him. I wasn’t able to go to his funeral cause I had no idea he was having one until the day of.

My dad knows flying is painful for me (doesn’t stop me from flying and wouldn’t had stopped me from going to his funeral had I known about it) and that Tums was too small to fly yet. He was always worried that Tums might have what I have but tbh I messed up my own tissues.

Long story short: I stuck a peanut up my nose too far (my mom is an RN and I wouldn’t eat a lot as a kid and she said if I didn’t start eating she was going to feed me through my nose like her patients. She failed to mention WITH A TUBE.) so my mom had to take me to the hospital where they had to remove it. And in the process I had somehow messed up some tissue in that area. I was suppose to have surgery to fix it as a kid but that never happened. It just feels like my left ear specifically is going to burst out of my head when the plane lands, no biggie. Sometimes I can manage to “keep pressure out of it” and it won’t hurt as bad when the plane lands… but you know what, this is meant for another blog post.

So that’s why I wasn’t told about his funeral; because he didn’t want me or Tums to have to deal with that. But in exchange, I still haven’t said my goodbye’s. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact he’s gone and sometimes I’ll even forget. And think it’s been awhile since I texted him a photo of Tums (he LOVED getting photos and videos of Tums every single day); and I’ll remember he’s gone and it’s like that day all over again.

I’m seriously surprised I haven’t burst into tears yet writing this.

His death anniversary is coming up and I honestly don’t know how I’m not gonna lose my shit that day. August suddenly has become really really hard.

Sorry there isn’t any photos or anything, I just really needed to write.

“Never mind that, just make sure you take care of yourself,”

May The 4th Be With You ✨

If there’s one solid tradition Bubba and I have kept our entire relationship it’s celebrating May The 4th. I’m such a huge Star Wars fan and I miss when they had Star Wars weekends at Hollywood Studios parks! Those were so fun!

I haven’t been able to get back to the parks since Star Wars land has opened but believe me, I am  counting. down. until. I. do!

Bubba went all out for this years May The 4th celebration; we actually celebrated on the 2nd since he works on the 4th but he cooked up a whole spread of different foods.

Continue reading “May The 4th Be With You ✨”

Recap 2020; Feb

I feel like Feb might had been longer than Jan this year. I have no idea why. But I made a lot of changes and jumped into a lot of things in Feb that I’m pretty surprised at myself of. I’m still trying to remember who I am as a person (damn you postpartum depression) and trying to re-find my footing and balance. Of course with a damn near one year old (WHERE DID THE YEAR GO) it’s a little more challenging than I’d like.

Continue reading “Recap 2020; Feb”

Pregnancy — 33 Weeks

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We’ve hit 33 weeks!

Holy crap, we’ve hit 33 weeks.

That means less than 2 months left until we meet our little one and as of today we’re less than 2 weeks away from our wedding day!

Kinda realized we’re a little unprepared for both this morning but eh, (morning) sickness and all the aches and pains have gotten in my way and clouded my brain. It happens.

I didn’t want to be one of those people who didn’t get anything done just because they’re pregnant but it happened. And now with Braxton Hicks taking over almost every night after dinner and it’s been a paaaaaain. They’re definitely giving me contraction flashbacks AND I DONT LIKE IT.

Baby Lo has been less active but has had heavier activity. She’s assumed to be about 4 pounds now and her movements are definitely being felt. I still think it’s crazy all I had before were air bubbles popping in my tummy and galaxy sounds wondering when I’ll finally feel her kick and move and now she has her foot all against my tummy and belly button and it’s so uncomfortable sometimes! Or when I bend over and feel her foot hit me super hard in the chest. Really knocks the air out of you — literally.

There’s so much stuff to do and look forward to this month and next month is the last month to really get things done! So crazy to see how fast time has flown since August. By the time my birthday and Easter get here we’ll have a little (hopefully) curly haired blummy tagging along with us everywhere!

That idea is both exciting and scary!