Brain Dump | August, you break me

Today’s my brothers birthday. Today’s my ex husband’s birthday too. Oh and my dog who passed away 10 years ago in October.

August 7th was always this date in my head that just was in bold. I’m the only one in my household who wasn’t born in August. So it’s also always been a busy month.

My mom’s birthday is on the 1st. My dad’s is on the 26th.

My dad’s death anniversary is on the 17th. It’ll be the 4th year without him.

I have a mess of thoughts and emotions when it comes to August and my dad. Then it branches out into my mom. And I just get insanely angry. My dad struggled with cancer for 8 yearrs. It was a slow progression, for sure. By the time I left home he still hadn’t lost his hair, he was doing radiation therapy and he was mostly fine. It wasn’t until a few years later that it started to rapidly get to work. I wasn’t there to see his decline and I guess I should be thankful for that. But I also was completely unaware of how bad it had got. So to me, it feels like he just died over night. Like one day I was Facetiming him with Tums. The next he called me but his words were slurred and a little spacey. I figured it was just because he might had been tired from treatments. And the next… he was gone. Just… gone.

My mom told me there wasn’t going to be a funeral. There was no reason for me to come home. My mom hated my dad my whole life, so you never knew what’s true when it comes to her regarding my dad. And it’s such a one sided strange hate she has for him. It wasn’t until the day OF the funeral her ass sends me a text saying “your dad’s funeral is in a few hours”. I woke up to that text. I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about and I went off. How dare you tell me there was going to be no funeral just to tell me there is? Are you fuckin kidding me?

She took away every single fuckin chance I had to say goodbye to my dad. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

I’ve never forgiven her for it. I don’t think I ever will. That’s a level of resentment towards her I will never forget. I will never try to make right because it’s not right, it’s the most fucked up thing you can do to your child. But hey, do you. Keep playing victim about everything. My dad has never once hit me. Never once yelled at me even. My entire life. I was a daddy’s girl who got away with almost every thing.

When my dad bought his truck he told me to pick a color. I said red. He drove that truck until he couldn’t drive anymore.

Now that I think of it, I don’t think I saw it last time I was home? I don’t even want to ask. So when my baby daddy asked me if I ever got my own car when color would I want it, I said red. So he got me a red Acura RDX (but that’s a story for a different post).

My dad loved my daughter. It was the most emotion I’ve ever really seen from him my entire life. The joy in his voice. How often he’d ask how she was doing, if I could send him pictures of her every day. Where my mom made me feel like I fucked up for getting pregnant, my dad was happy she was here. He spoiled her for as long as he could. He wanted her to be safe. Always. I will always hate he never got to meet her. We were 2 months away when he passed. I’m confident he would had loved Winnie just as much. I wish he was here to tell that Tums likes to sing, she likes Disney like me, she likes playing video games. But I can’t. But I never will get to. And that shit sucks.

In case you’re wondering at any point this month — no I’m not okay.

And to expect me to be is just insane and you should probably just stay out of my way. Thanks.

Word Vomit | This week… has been rough

On Mother’s Day the hubs went to the ER and got tested for COVID which came back positive. They gave him some medicine and an inhaler. He also picked up some Vit C which I’ve been popping like a mf because 1) they’re yummy and 2) everyone and their mama has been telling me to pretty much OD on Vit C. Thankfully I had minor symptoms, and most of them became the worst at night. Bubba however probably had the worst of it. Between coughing, struggling to breathe and a fever. He literally spent about 2 weeks doing nothing but laying around watching KDrama and coughing his soul out bit by bit. I only had a low grade fever, body aches and a migraine for a day then for 3 days after I had this weird ass dizziness that felt like my soul was trying to ditch my body. And now on day 6 I’ve lost some of my sense of taste but other than that I feel 90% better. Granted I didn’t feel horrible by any means. I’m still pissed at the people who claim surviving COVID is 98% chance. Because sure, some people survive but at what cost. I can see how this virus can fuck with your organs and your lungs. I would much rather have a few days of side effects from a vaccine than weeks of not knowing how you’re gonna feel from one hour to the next.

Def could had went the rest of my life not catching COVID. Bubba said he might had got it from a co-worker so there was sort of no way around that.

This passed week Sophie had been acting weirder than usual. She was constantly crying day and night and she wouldn’t eat her medicated food. Her eyesight was in and out and it was just horrible to witness. She had a mass in one of her eyes growing last Oct, we were told that they weren’t going to remove it because of her age and her kidney failure, it might had done more damage than good. On Friday she was struggling to breathe and just laid there. It was pretty obvious she wasn’t going to make it much longer. I tried my best to stay with her as long as I could before I had to go to bed since I was still feeling sick — the whole fuckin thing just sucked.

By the time Bubba woke up the next morning she was gone. As long we knew this day would come, nothing really prepares you for death of any kind. I feel so numb. Sophie was a birthday gift from my mom the year of my divorce. She was 10. She had been at the adoption center for 3 years waiting for a home. Despite knowing she was an older cat I told myself I wanted to give her a life of love for however longer she had left. It’s been 6 years.

And in that 6 years we had an adventure of happiness, trauma and sadness. Through it all, she would sit with me when I did dishes, when I felt sick, when I was angry. She was the sweetest cat. She never once bit anyone. It didn’t matter how you pestered her, she would never ever bite anyone (except me but she’d lick where she bit after she did). She was patient with Tums and would follow her around. I don’t know if Tums notices she’s gone yet — but it does feel a little bit more empty and quiet without Sophie.

I can feel my mind blocking off certain thoughts; the reality of what losing Sophie means.

I’m suppose to be catching up on things today and for the first time in a long time I just… don’t feel like blogging. I know I’m suppose to give myself time to grieve. But I don’t even know if I want to let myself.

“Time won’t wait for you,”

Something my dad constantly, as in every single morning, told me as he was waking me up for school and as I struggled to want to even be alive. And despite how frustrated I made him, he never yelled or got overly mad.

But this is something that has stuck with me my whole life.

It might had contributed to what I call my White Rabbit Syndrome where I feel like I’m constantly racing against time. WHO KNOWS.

The last time I saw my dad; Dec 2013

Today marks one year since my dad passed away after a 8 year battle with Cancer. Whew, counting that blew my mind. While death from Cancer is never a positive outcome, obviously, he was lucky to had lived that long. My dad had his own anxieties that showed up when I was really young. He was obsessed with the fact that he was dying long before he was even diagnosed with Cancer and that was hard to deal with since he’d use it as a reason against an argument or that “I don’t feel good, I might be dying, I don’t know,” I almost feel like being diagnosed brought him some sort of weird anxiety relief.

And at first, it didn’t see so bad. He had radiation therapy and he was constantly sick but it wasn’t anything that seemed like it would disrupt how our lives were normally lived. So I’ll admit that for the first few years it was hard to imagine there was Cancer because nothing really changed. He wasn’t losing hair or weight or anything. A year after he was diagnosed I got my job back at Disney World so in 2013 I moved back to Florida. We came back to visit that December. In October it was my dad who called and told me that my dog passed away. So to be there without him that year was really hard for me.

I never went back after that. I never saw my dad after that.

And that will always be the hardest thing to swallow.

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