Five years ago today was THE MOST traumatic experience of my entire life. I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy. From the moment my ex saw the positive symbols on the test he was hell bent on terminating the pregnancy. Didn’t ask me how I felt, or what I wanted. Within those 3 weeks was a lot of emotional and mental abuse. Every time I tried to protest that I didn’t want to terminate it and that I had been tracking its growth, that it would be wrong to do that, he would start fights with me. He would belittle me and be cruel. Once he slammed me on the floor.
And before you can say “you had choices. You could had gotten out”. I don’t think most people realize how scary it is to be somewhere where the person you’re with has built this facade and that no one would believe you. That you were too far from anyone you knew to come save you. Or that you were too scared to let people know what was happening. I was throwing up a minimum of 3 times every single day, I couldn’t keep food down, how could I have had energy to beat this dude with a pipe?
The day of wasn’t any better. It was Father’s Day in 2016, he left me home alone to deal with it by myself while he went to celebrate with his grandparents. He didn’t pay the phone bill that week so my phone was shut off. Thank goodness I had Google Voice, it was the only way my parents could message me. They couldn’t even call to check on me. This was before I realized you could text AND call on Facebook Messenger but ever since I found that out I’ve been using it over SMS even if now my mom handles my phone plan to ensure that never happens again.
I fell into something dark. I didn’t know what Postpartum Depression was back then, but I’m sure I was there. I used FFXIV as an escape from reality for months. I just didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. And I definitely didn’t want to be touched or around my ex anymore.
I’m sad for myself that my first pregnancy experience was so shitty. And my second and third ones weren’t all that great either. Every pregnancy brought a whole new set of trauma with it. I’ll always wonder who this baby would had been. They would had been 5 this year.
And yes, I did leave my ex as quickly as I could after this happened. He didn’t understand why I was being distant (as if he was really that dumb) and I made the move to move back to Orlando where I knew he wouldn’t actually move there with me. I lived my best life the year after this happened, I did a lot of soul searching and self repair. But this is something I’ll never forget.
I typically celebrate Easter as my “self holiday” since I love stocking up on Easter snacks. But I feel like there really werent that much this year to choose from! I def had a struggle putting a basket together for Tums.
I also put together a basket for B.
B had given us our Easter baskets early; mine is on the left and Tums is on the right. The Cotton Candy in mine is “Blueberry Waffle” and omg it’s amazing. It legit tastes like waffles!
Luckily Tums is too little to understand and all she knows is she just got more candy just for her. We didn’t get big baskets this year because if you can see the sort of hint in the back — we have a big trip coming up! And I’m super duper excited. Still struggling with depression over here but trust me, inside I’m screaming from excitement. I just… need to pack. Which I’m always bad with.
I created this blog as a place where I could be as open and as transparent as I wanted about whatever I wanted to talk about — with that said there are a lot of things in the last 3 years I haven’t really expressed, shared or talked about because I just wasn’t in a place where I could and isn’t that strange? To have to suffer in silence for that many years?
Two years ago I was living with my boyfriend at the time who I had been dating for about a year and a half. We didn’t have a good relationship. We barely got along. I had been trying to break up with his since Easter after he had put his hands on me and slammed me on the couch with his hands around my throat screaming in my face.
Despite the many attempts I had tried to break up with him and kick him out, he just wasn’t listening. He’d start an argument with me and get more angry than me to appear threatening to get me to stop or shut up. We literally never resolved any problems we had — and we had A LOT.
On Memorial Day weekend his mom took us out for lunch and at the time I thought I had just been hit with really bad motion sickness. When we began dating I had been forced to stop taking anti anxiety meds cold turkey and since then my motion sickness had gone wayyy up so I figured it was just one of those moments.
Over a week it had stayed consistent along with dizziness. I couldn’t stomach very much food and even playing FFXIV would trigger my motion sickness.
I somehow forgot to write this little section in the previous entry. I guess I thought the photo had copied to my desktop when it didn’t and I didn’t realize it until I went to bed last night that I didn’t talk about this!
This birthday was probably the most memorable, and definitely not in a good way.
My ex husband was pretty… selfish. Bubba had asked me months ago if he was ever controlling and in a sense I never thought of M as ‘controlling’, I guess because he never acted out, if you will. Like he never made public scenes or he never flat out showed your typical version of jealousy. But if I think about all the things he expected of me or all the things he pushed then in a really subtle yet un-subtle way he was controlling. He wouldn’t throw a fit or make a scene but he was a pro (A FUCKIN PRO I TELL YOU) at ignoring someone for as long as a week and a half. And I mean IGNORE, like not talking, not responding. But if we’re talking ignore then he went years doing that shit.
But he was selfish in a sense since I can’t really think of another word to call it — let’s put it this way — if he had friends (and 99% of his friends were girls which was fine cause 100% of my friends are usually guys though I DO NOT hug coworkers AT WORK. Hell I don’t hug them AT ALL unless I’m REALLY close to them and that takes a lot of time. I’m not a hugger if I don’t fuckin know you and I’m definitely NOT a hugger if I suspect you have a crush on me. In fact I’d be less than a friend if I suspected you had a crush on me and I definitely would not be hanging out with you, ever) which were mostly girls he would completely ignore me. If they asked him to hang out he would be prompt and he would stay out as late as 2am. He wouldn’t tell me WHERE he was going or WHO these girls were and he wouldn’t update me from time to time. If he went to hang out with friends or coworkers I wouldn’t get a single text or call the entire time he was out. If I texted asking him something while he was out he would get pissed and wouldn’t respond.
This particular year we had to take the same work bus to work (the E bus for those of you who do/did the DCP and worked on the Hollywood Studios route whoot whoot); we barely ever started work at the same time or ended at the same time to ever really have to be on the same bus. But the very few times we did he wouldn’t even acknowledge I was on the bus, especially if his coworkers were there.
Once we were standing at the bus stop, I had my headphones on cause we were waiting and he was standing next to me, a coworker comes and says hi. Looks at me then walks off. He turns to me mad saying, “why do you always have to repel my friends.” uh bitch what? I’m sitting here, listening to music, on my phone, minding my own business. Don’t no one care about you and your janky friends. She need to brush her hair.
This was the birthday year I’m talking about.
The one I had mentioned where his friend’s birthday was the day before mine and they went to lunch and I was waiting for him at my spa appointment. His friend had asked about me and he didn’t like it. So he resolved to not have me meet anyone he worked with. So this year, though I saw some of his coworkers from time to time on the bus with him, I wasn’t allowed to meet them or say hi. So most of the time when I’d run into him say on the bus on the way home, I’d sit away from him and with my coworkers instead and ignore the fact he’s actually on the bus since he did such a great job of ignoring me even as I walked on.
Great marriage, right?
So he was never into social media, he always said it was “stupid” and “gay” but during my birthday week that year he got back on Instagram and Facebook, added all his chick friends and would frequently be in a group chat with them on Facebook or on Instagram and leaving each other comment threads. I noticed he got back on social media but he still hadn’t liked or commented on any of my posts anywhere. But I knew he was texting people on these apps.
He said he had gotten on for my birthday as if THAT was his bday gift to me. Just like how he frequently used, “I was nice to you all day.” as if it’s something that he should be praised for. It didn’t occur to me at the time that Chanel’s birthday was literally the day before mine and that he added all his coworkers and was constantly texting them. Yet he spun it around saying he got back on for me though he left no trace of any activity on any of my posts.
I do a lot of random things.
At EPCOT you can color in a Perry or a Duffy at any of the countries. There’s a table for kids to color at and you take it to every station in every country and they stamp it for you.
I was pretty proud of this guy cause I thought the body color was pretty accurate and at the time I was kind of obsessed with Perry (not so much Secret Agent P) even though I didn’t watch the show. But I always thought it was funny how as Perry he’s kinda cross/bulge eyed but as Secret Agent P he looks all professional lol! And no, sadly you can’t meet Perry in the parks!
So I decided to color a Perry and take him around the world for my birthday. M colored some of him but I colored most of him and it was me who took him around and I’d chit chat with the people in the diff countries. The guy in France noticed I had a Vinylmation pin and we talked Vinylmations for awhile.
There was another photo of just Secret Agent P by himself without me in it and I noticed M had posted it on his Instagram with the caption, “I scraped those little whack ass kids.”
I noticed that there was no mention of me or my birthday at all on that post. When his friends left comments he took ALL the credit and he made it sound as if he was so hardcore that he “scraped” some KIDS in coloring a fuckin character. It’s not a content or a game. It’s something fuckin fun for kids to do. If you need to boost yourself up by down talking KIDS who are on VACATION you’ve got some fuckin problems. Foreal.
I had brought it up as we were going to Magic Kingdom to watch Wishes and it started this big argument where the above was said. I don’t remember the entire fight. I do remember sobbing my fuckin heart out at the Magic Kingdom gates not even wanting to go see Wishes. Not even wanting to celebrate my birthday anymore.
I was just so sad and so hurt.
And I was so tired of being hidden. And sadly this was the start of the next 2 years of being hidden and BANNED from his work location. Oh yes, it got worse.
I was so tired of him saying anything having to do with marriage was gay. When that shit didn’t even make fuckin sense. He never told people he was married. They would have to figure it out themselves. If I did go visit him at work and someone asked who I was he’d say “oh that’s Hazel.” it got so bad that some of his coworkers speculated he wasn’t even married and was lying about it since no one EVER saw me. There was one coworker who he got into an altercation with at work who ran into us doing laundry once and was like “oh, you really are married I guess.” and he got pissed he said that. As if it wasn’t obviously his own fault. Or as if he was mad he was married in general.
As much as I loved that Perry in the end I ended up throwing him away. Every time I saw him I’d just get sad and remember that day.
At the end of the day M blamed everything on me and “acting crazy” so he deleted the photo off his Instagram and deleted the app off his phone along with the FB app. And in the end he ended up joining SnapChat with all of them and refused to add me to his friends list.
I try to cling on to the good memories of this birthday — my facial. Finally meeting Remy at Chefs de France and getting to eat in France. My day 2 outfit with the top hat. How good this outfit came out and how I didn’t feel insecure in it at all (it was the first time wearing a dress in forever). Getting to eat Ohana’s.
And I think that was it.
But this is definitely one birthday memory I wish I could erase.
I literally don’t know why I’m getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.
I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.
Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.
Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn’t be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.
That was a lie.
I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he’d get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I’ve ALWAYS done he’d throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. I didn’t really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.
Two year ago today was Easter.
I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn’t go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn’t seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her — in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.
The morning of, he did what he always did.
He firmly stated we WEREN’T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent’s house.
I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I’d call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.
So I said no. I wasn’t going. I wasn’t leaving the house if we weren’t going to Disney. That I’m sick of him lying to me.
He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.
He picked me up by my throat.
Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if “I was done acting like a child.” I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming “No. Not until you stop acting like a child.” That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened I was the one acting like a child.
He finally let go.
Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn’t last for much longer. To which I replied, “put your hands on me again and I promise we won’t.” he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.
I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.
I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he’d come back. I made sure I was in bed and ‘asleep’ by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.
Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn’t just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn’t slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.
He didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay bills. He didn’t pay electric or internet. He didn’t even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn’t pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the ‘household’ when he didn’t do shit. He didn’t even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.
This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.
And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn’t get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.
I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.
I’m thankful I’m out of that relationship. I’m thankful I’m away from all that toxic energy and I’m somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I’ll love.