Brain Dump | March

Typically July and December are my depressed months. The months where the most traumatic shit has happened to me and I just am not in a good mood or the best person to be around. And it’s not like I mean to be like that, it’s just those months make me weird. If that makes sense.

Tums birthday is this week and I got NOTHING literally N O T H I N G prepared. I’ve been in a super dark depressed funk all month and I noticed… this happened last year as well. The only birthday I really tried to make memorable for her was her 1st birthday. Even if it was just us. And I remember his family threw her birthday party (which I obviously didn’t go to cause I was no contact with them already at that point); I told her dad I didn’t want to see anything about it. Yet I still did and I remember feeling like shit. I felt like shit cause I wasn’t able to throw my own daughter a proper birthday party. I’m not from here. My family and friends are in California.

I felt like shit because I felt like I fuckin failed as. Filipino mom. There was no pancit. No lechon. All I wanted was to throw her this birthday party like every fuckin Filipino child gets…. and I fuckin couldn’t even do that. And it hurt.

Continue reading “Brain Dump | March”

On FFXIV and ‘friendships’

There were many other blog posts I had thought to write today. I recently watched The Greatest Showman and it inspired something in me that’s been missing for awhile.

But yesterday I got into a ‘FB war’ with a ‘friend’ over how he throws around the term mental illness to anyone who doesn’t agree with him or whom he doesn’t like.

I’ve seen him say this about multiple people within the almost 2 years I’ve known him. He claimed it about various people in our large FC he didn’t like or agree with. Various people on our server he didn’t like or agree with and he’s said it about people he’s heard of but never even met. He’s also quick to throw you the story about how his ex girlfriend (though he claimed she was his ex wife for a year) ‘ruined his life’ with her mental illness and he has absolutely nothing good to say about her and belittles her as much as he can. I’ve never met her but the way he describes her sounds like a one sided story.

This particular time they were discussing someone my boyfriend was in a FC with before I met him and I have played and conversed with this person and he’s on our current server which when we do run into him he’s always polite enough to say hello. I don’t know him on a personal level and I don’t care to. I think that’s part of the problem with people on this game, they expect to know who you are in real life as well and judge you accordingly. It’s a game. I don’t know where these people are from and I don’t really give a shit. I’m here to play a game. Not talk about real fuckin life. If I wanted to do that I’d call up a real life friend, you know?

So this ‘friend’ was once again implying that this guy had a mental illness based on what he’s heard about him from girls who got their ‘heart broken’ (that’s another thing about this game — some females are so quick to dick hop then cry about getting their hearts broken when dude’s make it clear they’re not looking for a relationship in the first place). So I asked this ‘friend’ which ‘mental illness’ does he think the guy identifies with. To which the ‘friend’ replied with he didn’t know but considering how he acts he must have one.

My stance on the whole thing was that it’s rude to imply someone has a mental illness if they haven’t said so. That it’s not funny or a game to say someone has something mentally wrong with them just because you don’t like them. And this ‘friend’ wasn’t getting the hint. He was still steady on implying his stance. Then he started being a jerk, which I’m fine with. Said friend is usually a jerk. He likes to ‘debate’ but when you don’t agree with him/fight him on a topic he gets defensive and starts to play victim.

Then Bubba steps in cause tbh Bubba never liked this ‘friend’ to begin with. And because no matter how big or small the situation Bubba will always defend me. And no, I didn’t ask him to. Nor did I expect him to either, I’m use to fighting my own battles. But Bubba stepped in and told this ‘friend’ about himself. Stuff that Bubba himself has seen, heard and observed without saying one word about it in the last 2 years as well. And despite Bubba going head to head with this ‘friend’, the ‘friend’ and one of his FC mates strictly just attacked me. This ‘friend’ for some odd reason worships Bubba almost for reasons I’ll never understand, saying I dragged him into the drama not knowing that Bubba himself throws himself into drama when he feels the need to.

So this ‘friend’ gets defensive saying we’re ‘personally attacking him’ when the subject at hand has stayed on this stance of mental illness. The ‘friend’s FC mate steps in and automatically starts throwing low blows AT ME though I’ve never met this person or heard of him.

He went as far as telling me I’m a waste of space.

And that he has heard ‘stories’ about me. Which I’m curious to know what stories since I lay my wholeeeeeeeeeee life online for anyone to read who’s interested. I talk about my struggles, my mental illness, my divorce, my abortion, my miscarriage…. like bruh, what do you got? Cause I promise you it’s not new news. All the while this ‘friend’ was telling a close friend of mine that his FC mate is trying to trigger me.

Hm, that kind of cancels out the ‘friends’ logic of “if people are an asshole they don’t get a pass but if they have a mental illness then it makes sense as to why they’re an asshole.” logic, doesn’t it? Considering his FC mate took the fact I have a mental illness and tried to use it to trigger me.

First off.

How dare you TRY to trigger someone you don’t even know. How dare you place that kind of shit on someone. How dare you be that cruel. And to that ‘friend’ how dare you stand there and watch and let it happen.

I’m so beyond disgusted with the way they both acted towards me and Bubba. I’m so beyond sickened that there are people who would even dare to attempt to trigger someone ON PURPOSE because they’re trying to “hit them back”.

You have to be some kind of extremely low person to even do that without any sort of remorse! Yet you all have the nerve to talk about how someone on a game hurt you? What makes you any better than him? Walking around hurting people you don’t know?

Just like someone else in the IG community said this morning — friendships on this game are paper thin.

This community is nothing like the one on FFXI. It’s sad how toxic the FFXIV community really is and it’s sad that they don’t even care.