Typically July and December are my depressed months. The months where the most traumatic shit has happened to me and I just am not in a good mood or the best person to be around. And it’s not like I mean to be like that, it’s just those months make me weird. If that makes sense.
Tums birthday is this week and I got NOTHING literally N O T H I N G prepared. I’ve been in a super dark depressed funk all month and I noticed… this happened last year as well. The only birthday I really tried to make memorable for her was her 1st birthday. Even if it was just us. And I remember his family threw her birthday party (which I obviously didn’t go to cause I was no contact with them already at that point); I told her dad I didn’t want to see anything about it. Yet I still did and I remember feeling like shit. I felt like shit cause I wasn’t able to throw my own daughter a proper birthday party. I’m not from here. My family and friends are in California.
I felt like shit because I felt like I fuckin failed as. Filipino mom. There was no pancit. No lechon. All I wanted was to throw her this birthday party like every fuckin Filipino child gets…. and I fuckin couldn’t even do that. And it hurt.
I get headaches and migraines a lot when I stress out or just PMS and other things. When it rains/snows. I’ve been getting them since I was about 17 but never really thought too much of it — it was back before Google and everything was Ask Jeeves. I remember taking Motrin every 2 hours, no joke. And some days it would just linger for a week. These days it’s just the PMS ones that tend to last all week and that shit is annoying. Then I discovered Excedrin.
Just a little background, I’ve also had Ulcers a lot as a kid. For some reason mostly in the summer and I wouldn’t be able to drink Lemonade. I remember one other time I had one when I went to work; I worked at KFC at 17 and I remember whining to everyone I was closing with. It felt like this mass that just ached constantly. No matter how much I’d eat didn’t matter. It’s the most annoying thing ever. But I somehow survived. Guess I really wanted that $5.75 lol.
I later then learned that Excedrin can cause Ulcers if used too often. Which sucks because it’s like the fail safe way for me to get rid of my migraines. But some days I have to choose which pain would be better or worse. Tbh, they’re both freakin awful. It’s just switching places on my body that hurts.
Last week-ish I somehow got away with taking Excedrin with no side effects and my stupid ass got a little too hyped and fucked up. Now I feel like I have this never ending baby Ulcer or something. I’m not sure. I just know that I keep having this dull pain and when I’m hungry, I’m HUNGRY. Like tummy talking hungry. Which hardly ever happens.
When I wrote yesterday’s entry I wasn’t aware that it was Mental Health Awareness Week. I feel like MHAW/MHAM come and go so often that it’s hard to keep track of these things. Not to mention in my world, Mental Health Awareness is pretty much an every day thing.
I feel like my life has all kinds of divides and chapters when I look back on it; from the time I was 13 until my anxiety full force kicked in at 20 I struggled HEAVILY with depression and suicide. I was constantly listening to music. CONSTANTLY. There was rarely ever a time I wasn’t playing music. Everything from DDR songs to 80’s Light Rock to Hip Hop to R&B to Slow Jams to Techno to Alternative.