I noticed I don’t really have many helpful posts on this blog which are things most people search for or are drawn to; me included! I love writing about my personal experiences and expressing myself but also I want to be able to help people. One of my goals this year was to build a space for myself where I could open and freely talk about Postpartum Depression and I created a blog specifically for that. Maybe some day I’ll feel comfortable enough to share it across all my other media’s but for now, I’m still paranoid my in laws are stalking my stuff so… there’s that.
I’ve been blogging since 1999. I started on Opendiary then TeenOpenDiary (which is still one of my favorite platforms looking back) then moving on to LiveJournal, Xanga and DeadJournal. I also dabbled in the random LiveJournal-like blog platforms like Blurty (which I’m so sad shut down before I could download my entries) and the like. Then settled into BlogSpot for awhile. I also blogged on Vox which was a great platform and of course both WordPress.com and WordPress.org.
Originally I started a blog because I was tired of my mom reading my diary.
When I was around 6 my dad bought me one of those kid diaries where it came with a literal lock. My mom hated that. She was a bit controlling and extremely nosey when I was a kid and felt like she was entitled to read my diary since I lived in her house. And that’s something I constantly struggled with growing up. There were times the things I’d write in my diary got me in trouble. One particular one was where my brother had done something and I took the blame when it wasn’t my fault and how he gets away with everything. I was maybe 8 or 9 when I wrote that. And as I got older it got worse but in that specific time frame I got in so much trouble for just saying he gets away with everything.
Okay call me obsessed, but! Back when I played Animal Crossing Wild World on the Nintendo DS back in 2006 I had an Animal Crossing blog — I don’t remember what it was called or what the URL is but I really wish I did!
I was so obsessed with the fact that you coulda catch and collect bugs, fossils and fish. Not only that but this owl who runs the museum you donate these things to tells you these really small cute facts about all of them! I played for years, almost daily, okay pretty much daily. And I maxed out my town. I even went out and bought a GameCube to play the first Animal Crossing game. When I say I was obsessed, I was o b s e s s e d.
When Animal Crossing New Leaf came out around 2013, I did the same thing. I think I have ACWW with me here but I’m not sure. I do know FOR SURE that ACNL is in my DS.
I played Animal Crossing City Folk and that feels like it was forever ago. I skipped Animal Crossing Happy Home Designer but I did get Animal Crossing Amiibo Festival which was really just a huge ass board game.
Then I told myself I wasn’t going to get a Nintendo Switch until they announced a new Animal Crossing game and when they did, I gave in and bought one.
Gaming is so different when you’re older and have a kid. I can’t just drop $60 in hopes to like a game like I use to. Now I take SO LONG wondering if I’ll like a game and if I’ll realistically commit the time it takes to play it and a million other things before actually BUYING a game. It sucks. I miss the more carefree days lol.
I previously wrote about the 5 Daily Things I Do As Self Care; self care is SUCH a big deal to me and it’s something I’m constantly working on. It’s something I try to make sure I make time for in my every day life.
Keeping calm isn’t something I’m very good at. I stress out super easy. The more I stress out the worst my anxiety gets and it’s a never ending cycle. So there are certain things I keep around to help me/remind me to chill out.
One thing you’ll learn about me is that I’m BIG on self care. I’m a creature of routine, ritual and habit and absolutely nothing gets in the way of my daily routines.
Even back when Disneyland and Vegas were frequent vacation destinations I had a routine!
Every day I have a clear set of things I have to do when I wake up and right before I go to bed. Sure, some of these might be OCD driven but whatever, they help me get ready and help me end the day. Like signals for my body on what time of the day it is.
I’ll be honest; I had no intention of buying this Bath Bomb.
When I saw the promo shot for Lush’s Valentine’s Day products I was like that one’s a nope. They had previewed the Eggplant and Peachy Bath Bombs and they were obviously pulled from emoji’s which I have no problem with. Keep with the times.
It wasn’t until I saw someone’s Bath Bomb video that I was like: huh, that actually looks really pretty.
Granted I’m a sucker for the colors purple and pink.
I stopped taking baths for awhile because adjusting to pregnancy changes and pains were getting hard and usually when I’m laying in the bath I get really bad heartburn; I’m not sure if it’s because I’m laying on my back or what. Not to mention Baby Lo is usually VERY much active when I’m in the bath so it doesn’t help with the heartburn aspect.
But because my back has been in so much pain and discomfort lately I decided to give in and start them again. Not to mention that Bubba has been stocking me up with Lush products the last 2 trips, I think he was trying to encourage me to take more baths anyway.
I’ve always loved taking bubble baths since I moved out on my own. It’s the one thing I look forward to at the end of every day; just relaxing in a nice smelling bubbly bubble bath. Something about it just makes me feel so refreshed when I get in bed.
It’s hard to believe that nine months have flown by that fast — though I guess if I were still pregnant it would had felt like forever, especially now.
Technically her due date was estimated on the 22nd, the day after Penny & Axelyn’s 2nd wedding anniversary. How cool would that had been?! For their first anniversary I moved down to Texas and for their second we coulda had a baby. Okay, it’s a little sped up but you get what I’m saying.
Also I didn’t want to back log this post because… I just didn’t. Though if I had written this on the 22nd I would had been a blubbery mess of emotions like I had been when I wrote a very brief Facebook post.
Today would had been her due date…
I think the part that sort of sucks the most was that we lost the baby 3 days before her first appt and before her ultrasound; but at the same time I truly believe that it was for the better.
Would I had wanted to know the baby wasn’t going to make it on Christmas Eve? Or would I had been better off not knowing and enjoying Christmas as much as I could before we figured out something was wrong?
I watched a video earlier where someone had said; “there’s no reason to be bitter, these people aren’t taking anything away from you by sharing their news.” there’s something like sadness and a bit of jealousy seeing everyone who announced their pregnancy around the time I should had and are now posting pics of their healthy babies while mine isn’t here anymore. But there’s also a pain in remembering the entire time I was heavily bleeding in the middle of the night and going through painful contractions the only reason I was crying was because I knew my baby was dead.
I don’t have anything positive to really say about this, and I don’t like writing negative posts but I’m sure anyone who’s miscarried probably has felt the same way I feel right now.
It was suppose to be your due date.
My mind just stops there, abruptly.
I’m sad we never got to meet you. Or even see you. Your daddy loved you so much from the moment I told him you were here. And I miss you, all the time.
When I wrote yesterday’s entry I wasn’t aware that it was Mental Health Awareness Week. I feel like MHAW/MHAM come and go so often that it’s hard to keep track of these things. Not to mention in my world, Mental Health Awareness is pretty much an every day thing.
I feel like my life has all kinds of divides and chapters when I look back on it; from the time I was 13 until my anxiety full force kicked in at 20 I struggled HEAVILY with depression and suicide. I was constantly listening to music. CONSTANTLY. There was rarely ever a time I wasn’t playing music. Everything from DDR songs to 80’s Light Rock to Hip Hop to R&B to Slow Jams to Techno to Alternative.