Five years ago today was THE MOST traumatic experience of my entire life. I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy. From the moment my ex saw the positive symbols on the test he was hell bent on terminating the pregnancy. Didn’t ask me how I felt, or what I wanted. Within those 3 weeks was a lot of emotional and mental abuse. Every time I tried to protest that I didn’t want to terminate it and that I had been tracking its growth, that it would be wrong to do that, he would start fights with me. He would belittle me and be cruel. Once he slammed me on the floor.
And before you can say “you had choices. You could had gotten out”. I don’t think most people realize how scary it is to be somewhere where the person you’re with has built this facade and that no one would believe you. That you were too far from anyone you knew to come save you. Or that you were too scared to let people know what was happening. I was throwing up a minimum of 3 times every single day, I couldn’t keep food down, how could I have had energy to beat this dude with a pipe?
The day of wasn’t any better. It was Father’s Day in 2016, he left me home alone to deal with it by myself while he went to celebrate with his grandparents. He didn’t pay the phone bill that week so my phone was shut off. Thank goodness I had Google Voice, it was the only way my parents could message me. They couldn’t even call to check on me. This was before I realized you could text AND call on Facebook Messenger but ever since I found that out I’ve been using it over SMS even if now my mom handles my phone plan to ensure that never happens again.
I fell into something dark. I didn’t know what Postpartum Depression was back then, but I’m sure I was there. I used FFXIV as an escape from reality for months. I just didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. And I definitely didn’t want to be touched or around my ex anymore.
I’m sad for myself that my first pregnancy experience was so shitty. And my second and third ones weren’t all that great either. Every pregnancy brought a whole new set of trauma with it. I’ll always wonder who this baby would had been. They would had been 5 this year.
And yes, I did leave my ex as quickly as I could after this happened. He didn’t understand why I was being distant (as if he was really that dumb) and I made the move to move back to Orlando where I knew he wouldn’t actually move there with me. I lived my best life the year after this happened, I did a lot of soul searching and self repair. But this is something I’ll never forget.
I created this blog as a place where I could be as open and as transparent as I wanted about whatever I wanted to talk about — with that said there are a lot of things in the last 3 years I haven’t really expressed, shared or talked about because I just wasn’t in a place where I could and isn’t that strange? To have to suffer in silence for that many years?
Two years ago I was living with my boyfriend at the time who I had been dating for about a year and a half. We didn’t have a good relationship. We barely got along. I had been trying to break up with his since Easter after he had put his hands on me and slammed me on the couch with his hands around my throat screaming in my face.
Despite the many attempts I had tried to break up with him and kick him out, he just wasn’t listening. He’d start an argument with me and get more angry than me to appear threatening to get me to stop or shut up. We literally never resolved any problems we had — and we had A LOT.
On Memorial Day weekend his mom took us out for lunch and at the time I thought I had just been hit with really bad motion sickness. When we began dating I had been forced to stop taking anti anxiety meds cold turkey and since then my motion sickness had gone wayyy up so I figured it was just one of those moments.
Over a week it had stayed consistent along with dizziness. I couldn’t stomach very much food and even playing FFXIV would trigger my motion sickness.
Bubba wanted me to write a very detailed and extensive blog post on OUR BLOG about my journey with anxiety and so parts ONE and TWO can be found there. I’ve debated on copying + pasting them here as well but I’m not sure…
With that said I’m jumping a bit ahead to the medication part of my story.
When I were first diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety in 2005 I refused medication; I figured if my brain had the ability to rewire itself, it had the ability to rewire itself back. I never assumed it would be easy, especially considering how intense my anxiety and anxiety attacks were back then. I went to group therapy every week and I went to one on one therapy once or twice a month until 2010.
Here’s the thing about therapy. It won’t work if you’re not ready. And if you’re not ready, that is totally fine. There’s no reason to rush a process that you’re not ready to dive in to. Just because you doesn’t mean you’ll beat this any faster than you plan to.
Working around and through your anxiety is a journey only YOU can take. Only YOU know your limits. And you should NEVER let SOMEONE ELSE direct that journey FOR YOU. Never feel like you’re disappointing someone by not getting over this at the speed they want you to get over it. YOU are NOT the disappointment, THEY are for pushing you beyond your comfort level.
There were many other blog posts I had thought to write today. I recently watched The Greatest Showman and it inspired something in me that’s been missing for awhile.
But yesterday I got into a ‘FB war’ with a ‘friend’ over how he throws around the term mental illness to anyone who doesn’t agree with him or whom he doesn’t like.
I’ve seen him say this about multiple people within the almost 2 years I’ve known him. He claimed it about various people in our large FC he didn’t like or agree with. Various people on our server he didn’t like or agree with and he’s said it about people he’s heard of but never even met. He’s also quick to throw you the story about how his ex girlfriend (though he claimed she was his ex wife for a year) ‘ruined his life’ with her mental illness and he has absolutely nothing good to say about her and belittles her as much as he can. I’ve never met her but the way he describes her sounds like a one sided story.
This particular time they were discussing someone my boyfriend was in a FC with before I met him and I have played and conversed with this person and he’s on our current server which when we do run into him he’s always polite enough to say hello. I don’t know him on a personal level and I don’t care to. I think that’s part of the problem with people on this game, they expect to know who you are in real life as well and judge you accordingly. It’s a game. I don’t know where these people are from and I don’t really give a shit. I’m here to play a game. Not talk about real fuckin life. If I wanted to do that I’d call up a real life friend, you know?
So this ‘friend’ was once again implying that this guy had a mental illness based on what he’s heard about him from girls who got their ‘heart broken’ (that’s another thing about this game — some females are so quick to dick hop then cry about getting their hearts broken when dude’s make it clear they’re not looking for a relationship in the first place). So I asked this ‘friend’ which ‘mental illness’ does he think the guy identifies with. To which the ‘friend’ replied with he didn’t know but considering how he acts he must have one.
My stance on the whole thing was that it’s rude to imply someone has a mental illness if they haven’t said so. That it’s not funny or a game to say someone has something mentally wrong with them just because you don’t like them. And this ‘friend’ wasn’t getting the hint. He was still steady on implying his stance. Then he started being a jerk, which I’m fine with. Said friend is usually a jerk. He likes to ‘debate’ but when you don’t agree with him/fight him on a topic he gets defensive and starts to play victim.
Then Bubba steps in cause tbh Bubba never liked this ‘friend’ to begin with. And because no matter how big or small the situation Bubba will always defend me. And no, I didn’t ask him to. Nor did I expect him to either, I’m use to fighting my own battles. But Bubba stepped in and told this ‘friend’ about himself. Stuff that Bubba himself has seen, heard and observed without saying one word about it in the last 2 years as well. And despite Bubba going head to head with this ‘friend’, the ‘friend’ and one of his FC mates strictly just attacked me. This ‘friend’ for some odd reason worships Bubba almost for reasons I’ll never understand, saying I dragged him into the drama not knowing that Bubba himself throws himself into drama when he feels the need to.
So this ‘friend’ gets defensive saying we’re ‘personally attacking him’ when the subject at hand has stayed on this stance of mental illness. The ‘friend’s FC mate steps in and automatically starts throwing low blows AT ME though I’ve never met this person or heard of him.
He went as far as telling me I’m a waste of space.
And that he has heard ‘stories’ about me. Which I’m curious to know what stories since I lay my wholeeeeeeeeeee life online for anyone to read who’s interested. I talk about my struggles, my mental illness, my divorce, my abortion, my miscarriage…. like bruh, what do you got? Cause I promise you it’s not new news. All the while this ‘friend’ was telling a close friend of mine that his FC mate is trying to trigger me.
Hm, that kind of cancels out the ‘friends’ logic of “if people are an asshole they don’t get a pass but if they have a mental illness then it makes sense as to why they’re an asshole.” logic, doesn’t it? Considering his FC mate took the fact I have a mental illness and tried to use it to trigger me.
How dare you TRY to trigger someone you don’t even know. How dare you place that kind of shit on someone. How dare you be that cruel. And to that ‘friend’ how dare you stand there and watch and let it happen.
I’m so beyond disgusted with the way they both acted towards me and Bubba. I’m so beyond sickened that there are people who would even dare to attempt to trigger someone ON PURPOSE because they’re trying to “hit them back”.
You have to be some kind of extremely low person to even do that without any sort of remorse! Yet you all have the nerve to talk about how someone on a game hurt you? What makes you any better than him? Walking around hurting people you don’t know?
Just like someone else in the IG community said this morning — friendships on this game are paper thin.
This community is nothing like the one on FFXI. It’s sad how toxic the FFXIV community really is and it’s sad that they don’t even care.
I literally don’t know why I’m getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.
I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.
Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.
Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn’t be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.
That was a lie.
I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he’d get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I’ve ALWAYS done he’d throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. I didn’t really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.
Two year ago today was Easter.
I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn’t go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn’t seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her — in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.
The morning of, he did what he always did.
He firmly stated we WEREN’T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent’s house.
I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I’d call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.
So I said no. I wasn’t going. I wasn’t leaving the house if we weren’t going to Disney. That I’m sick of him lying to me.
He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.
He picked me up by my throat.
Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if “I was done acting like a child.” I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming “No. Not until you stop acting like a child.” That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened I was the one acting like a child.
He finally let go.
Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn’t last for much longer. To which I replied, “put your hands on me again and I promise we won’t.” he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.
I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.
I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he’d come back. I made sure I was in bed and ‘asleep’ by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.
Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn’t just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn’t slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.
He didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay bills. He didn’t pay electric or internet. He didn’t even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn’t pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the ‘household’ when he didn’t do shit. He didn’t even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.
This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.
And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn’t get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.
I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.
I’m thankful I’m out of that relationship. I’m thankful I’m away from all that toxic energy and I’m somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I’ll love.
I was inspired to finally write about what happened to me about 2 years ago on FFXIV because of and entry I stumbled on from The Girly Geek Blog. I also posted this on pxahxj and though I didn’t want this to be my first blog post here, I figured I would post it here as well.
Preface: I played FFXI from 2004 – 2012 before hopping on FFXIV when it first came out in 2010 then when it crashed and went to shit they remade the entire game in 2013 called Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn (lololol we had hoped that shit was reborn) to which I jumped on the beta for.
So me and Square Enix, we’ve got a very long history man.
I ironically didn’t jump on FFXIV again until April of 2015 and I’ve been playing it ever since. Through the few years I’ve been here it’s been.. an experience. Nothing like the mellow FFXI life I had. Literally. Nothing. Fuckin. Like. That.
There are a million stories out there and especially if you have a character Instagram, people are READY to call out the newest fuckboi in the FFXIV community. You can say we’re pretty tight. Most of us anyway. Though you never know who’ll betray you first. But like I said, there are a million and one fucked up stories swirling around and I’m here to share mine.
When I jumped on in 2015 it was because I had suggested to my bf at the time (he went by “Chan”) we should play together. We were trying to find games to play/stream together and he asked me what my favorite game was and I mentioned this, so we jumped on.
We started on Cactaur and stayed there for about a year before he got tired of the “emptyness” and so he decided we switch to Siren.
We ended up very quickly in a Free Company (a guild if you will) which name I now can’t really remember but known as Sky.