Brain Dump | Depressed

As someone who’s dealt with depression since they were 13 you’d think I’d have like a million ways to cope by now but truthfully, when my anxiety showed up at 19/20, the depression took a back seat. For so long in fact that sometimes I don’t even know I’m showing signs of depression unless someone points it out to me. And it always amazes me that my friends all the way in California, though they don’t see me every day, can still spot when I’m not myself. That’s the beauty of having people in your life who know you and who accept you exactly 100% as you are.

Lately I’ve had a hard time getting out of bed and end up not even getting up until 4pm just to get back in bed at 7 or 8. Like okay that’s enough life for today. The last time I pulled this shit I ended up dropping 80 pounds and a friend of mine had to literally pull me out of my apartment. But it was also around the time I had started taking Zoloft the first time.

I blamed Texas weird ass weather at first, which the weather here has sucked. It’s like a never ending fuckshit of winter. I’m over it. Then when I fly to Cali it’s perfect and 80 degrees.

I’m reminded of just how alone I am in Texas and wonder how did I put myself in this position. It’s not like it’s hard for me to make friends, at all. But it seems like most people I’ve run into in the years I’ve lived in Texas just haven’t been the best people or if they’re family members suddenly I’m fooling around with them. Bubba’s family has made my life a special kind of hell since I’ve moved here and I regret ever moving here to begin with.

I gave up my life of magic at Disney and beach days for this shit?!

Literally should had just moved back to California after I broke up with Nick, like I had planned to begin with. I also need to stop dating people who take me wanting to move back to California as just blasphemy because their hometown is “the best”. And they’ve never even lived anywhere else. I don’t know how someone comes up with that conclusion but it’s a thing people do.

I feel like since moving to Texas I’m completely forgotten who I am. I subconsciously tried to fit this mold of someone I wasn’t. Just to hopefully please people. Spoiler: didn’t work. I never understood what my friends were saying when they said I got soft until I set foot in NorCal and it’s like snap what have I been doing the last few years?!

Giving birth and suffering through postpartum depression while feeling completely isolated and alone was the worst and so freakin traumatic. To the point where I literally NEVER want to give birth again. I never want to go through that ever again. And I lost even more of myself for years. While the Zoloft helped, I couldn’t get my insurance to work something out enough for me to get help with therapy. And believe me, between PPD and losing my dad within months of each other? I desperately needed therapy. Zoloft isn’t easing my mind as good as it did the first time around, but I’m also not on the max dose.

I’m losing my train of thought… I thought putting on The Descendants would make me feel a little better. A little closer to Disney? Something? It’s kinda working.

Monthly Recap; Feb 2022

For being the shortest month, Feb sure felt like one of the longer ones. I don’t mean that in a bad way… I’m glad at least one Feb in the last few years felt longer than usual. And so far, it’s been my favorite month. Full of trying a shit ton of new eats, seeing new cities, finding new favorite things, seeing some of my favorite people. My Feb was full of insane love from my friends, my support circle who’s been rockin with me for over 21 years. If I know what boundless unconditional love is, it’s because of them. They’ve loved me through all the rough and smooth stages of life from the jump and I’m so very thankful for every single one of them. Not having to feel like I’m being judged or having to censor myself is a feeling I took for granted, for sure.

Despite not really having a place to stay this trip, my BFF made sure I was comfortable. I literally didn’t have to worry about anything the whole week. He also had me drive and while I was SUPER nervous because it was a freakin nice ass car, it felt so good to drive through the streets of my hometown again. You don’t realize how free and liberating driving can feel after years of not feeling comfortable enough to do so. I also appreciate that if I’m PMS’ing he just feds me, tells me I’m funny and let’s me yell lol. I had the best week.

| WATCHED

I know I’m supposed to be working my way through my streaming queues but it’s kinda hard when you have a toddler who wants to watch Dinosaur videos lol. I’m not gonna knock her urge to learn things.

Attempted to watch In the Heights but I just… got lost.

I watched Crazy Rich Asians the first night I was in Napa and there’s just something iconic and inspiring about that movie every time I watch it. Def made me want to work harder on my business; I wanna build something that’s going to outlive me.

Watched Cars… while in a 2 hour queue line for the Cars ride. I forgot how the first movie even went. But Lightning McQueen was a little shit head.

Watched Hamilton on the plane ride home to kill time since I couldn’t sleep. The girl next to me was watching In the Heights. Yeah even watching the little snips I did, I still couldn’t vibe with it.

| DID

Finally got to try Sugar Factory since they opened up one in Dallas and honestly, it was more instagrammable than the one in Vegas I always walked into. The food was amazing and the drink I got didn’t even taste like a drink. Def coming back here.

Continue reading “Monthly Recap; Feb 2022”

Hello March

I can’t believe how fast 2022 is moving. Then again I’ve been traveling (and it feels so good to be able to again) so that might also be why it feels like it’s going super fast for me.

Feb was full of trying places I had on my foodie wish list for way too long. Road trips with my BFF’s and being spoiled by my BFF’s and my cousin (for once lol). I was reminded of how loved I am back home and I wonder why I even left… I mean I don’t wonder but I do wonder why I stayed away for so long.

Never let a relationship get in the way of your life and who you are.

I have no idea how March would be able to top Feb, honestly. But here are a few things I hope to achieve;

| Take Tums to Disneyland for her birthday
As much as I would love to go to Disney World, there really isn’t much there for toddlers like there is at Disneyland. She hasn’t been to Disneyland yet and she’s been to WDW twice already lol. I can’t believe I’ll have a 3 year old soon. She’s already like a whole ass human being. I just assume the smarter she gets, the more she will talk back. She’s already started lol.

| Hit Vegas with my cousin
This is the year of doing things I miss and getting back to my roots. It’s been a decade since I’ve been back to Vegas and I miss it so much. I’m hoping to squeeze in a weekend trip to Vegas this month with my cousin or my BFF Dru; even if he’s next level on some shit lol.

| Read 2 books
I just picked up 2 new audiobooks while I was on my trip; they’re both autobiographies. One is by Leslie Odom Jr and his time doing Aaron Burr in Hamilton. I have no excuse to be so far behind on my TBR for this year but here I am. So hopefully I can at least read 2 books this month.

| Take 30 mins every day to do Yoga or some kind of ab work out
I need to be better at my health. And I really need to start being better. It’s hard to set aside time to just do certain things. Obviously working out and reading seems to be it for me this year. But I really want to work on getting my abs back and I really want to get back into eating right again. Even just setting aside 30 mins every day can make a difference.

| Start a skincare routine
My BFF and cousin are begging me to do this. It makes me feel old lol. I admit though, my skin could use some help. So at the advice of my cousin, I picked up a few things that were a lot more than I expected. Shit better do something.

| Work on shop things
My shop needs a huge refresh. I really want to put up more apparel and new sticker designs. I also want to be more active on social media and marketing. I always say I’ll work on some stuff while I’m in Cali but I get so caught up with hanging out with my friends that it doesn’t happen lol. I’m not sure when I’m jetting off next this month so I might as well work on my shop until I figure that out!

| Jump start on Spring cleaning
Spring cleaning has always been the bane of my existence. My mom made it look so effortless. But as I’m low key kind of on the quest to live a more minimalistic life, I figure this is going to be an even bigger task. Let’s hope I start this in the Spring and finish it in the Spring as well lol.

What are some things you’re hoping to start, finish or attempt this month?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

You are free to be you.

100% without apology you. And I know I stress this a lot on my blog — but the people who make you feel like you’re hard to love are not your people.

Emotions always tend to never fail to amaze me. The way they work. The way we respond to things or don’t respond to other things. Noticing which one of our toxic traits or boundaries we refuse to compromise. And seeing how those around us respond to that as well.

I’m thankful for putting myself into a different situation/outcome. The thing about life is paying attention to the moments that force you to grow. Which I’m learning most adults seem to avoid, even at the expense of their own happiness. I can’t relate. That could never be me; gotta thank trauma for something I guess.

This week I’ll remind myself that I am free to be me; whoever I decide to be that day. And I no longer have to feel bad about it.

Hello February

February always reminds me of when I really started to write in this blog. I had originally called it Places & Peonies and it was suppose to be a safe place for me to blog. I needed somewhere I could be transparent and unfiltered. I had just suffered a miscarriage and everyone around me (minus my BFF Xyl) was telling me that “it’s not something to blog/post about” but blogging has always been my therapy. Since 1999. So to tell me I can’t talk about this life event that hurt me so deeply?

I created this as a secret blog. With the hopes it would help me heal. With the hopes I could fill it with pretty pictures, adventures and be a place I can look back on and remind myself of how hard the journey was, but how I survived it. That was 5 years ago. It’s crazy to see how this blog has shifted and changed since then. I still don’t know wtf my niche for it is. And sometimes I stop myself from posting because I think “is that blog post even helpful?”

And while I do love writing the *insert number here* ways to stay calm or whatever; I also love writing my brain dumps. Because sometimes I just need to write some shit out. And we relate through experiences others share. It helps us feel less alone. So I hate the times when I stop myself from writing how I feel just because I don’t think it’s what blogging is about anymore. I’m trying to be better at it.

Here are a few things I want to accomplish this month;

Continue reading “Hello February”

Brain Dump | Back in Texas…

I got to spend a week back home in Cali and I honestly forgot just how much I loved NorCal. I left 10 years ago saying I’d never come back… I was also a really angry and angsty young adult at the time. I was determined to get my dream job (which I did) and make a life for myself (which I did). I’ve always loved being independent but I was also low key obsessed with it to prove to other people I was capable of everything they kept telling me I wasn’t capable of.

But in reality; NorCal is a beautiful place to visit. There’s literally so much to do and see. You’d rarely ever get bored. Between Silicone Valley, San Francisco and Napa Valley, there’s a lot to do. I forgot how loved I am there. How much my childhood friends love me. How much they only want what’s best for me and want to see me truly happy. Ten years can change a lot of things but one thing that hasn’t changed is the epic convos, adventures and love that they have for me and that I have for them. I’m so glad I got to see my friends while I was there. I’m glad I got to spend a week hanging out with one of my best friends; we have a pretty dope story of how we ended up friends and there’s a lot of irony in it now that we’re adults. But he’s always been the sweetest guy I know, since we were kids. And he’s still just as sweet. And yay for a foodie adventure friend!

I loved seeing my friends with Tums and seeing that they love her just as much as they love me. I loved that she had people to play with and other kids to play with — she got along SO WELL with my friends kids! All of them!

California air just hits different, for sure.

And now I’m back in Texas… where it’s effing snowing right now and something ridiculous like 19 degree’s or something. My eczema is already acting up. Did move into the new apartment and while it’s bigger than the last one it’s also much more expensive and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I mean I love this complex but at the same time… I really want to move back to Cali to be closer to my friends and family. Especially seeing just how much older my mom is now… it’s really kicking up my anxiety big time. And having someone tell you you’re stuck in Texas and can’t move back to Cali or be with your family is just a new level of audacity. At the end of the day, this is still my life and it’s my choice to do what I want when I want. That shouldn’t be anyone else’s choice but my own. And it’s definitely hard to protect your peace when you’re arounds someone who seems to challenge that every chance they get.

Hoping for some clarity in Feb and some solutions.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I know ya’ll, I’m really slacking on the blogging thing. I know it’s been almost a month since the holidays but I’m still feeling a little spacey. Anyone else? I guess I just haven’t been filling my days enough and I haven’t really started working on my goals… I also haven’t put that post up. Well damn.

I am a bit distracted this week because I’m going to be going home for a few days while my mom is recovering and after I come back from that I’ll be moving into a new apartment. So there’s a lot of packing going on this week! I’m really hoping I can manage to get it all done. Or close to done.

I really want to be better with blogging again, even if it’s just 3 posts a week. I don’t know why this is so difficult to achieve lately. I really need to get back on my self care game. I haven’t even Saged in I don’t know how long! Which reminds me, I need to get Sage for the new apartment. I’m sure there’s no bad vibes in there but still, it’s just a thing, I guess.

I know this saying is pretty basic; but it’s something that I feel applies to this week. I haven’t been home in ten years. That means I haven’t seen some of my friends in 12-15 years. I am SO excited to be able to see them. I know a lot has changed since the last time I was in Cali and I’m both excited and nervous to see what those changes are.

I’m not sure what chances I’ll stumble on while I’m home. But I’m hoping something for my business will present itself. Speaking of, I really want to expand my shop and my range of products but I’m not exactly sure with what. And I’m finding that while Print On Demand CAN be “easier”, you lose a lot of the control as far as shipping and you’re limited in design. The upside however is not having to store all the products yourself and also not having to deal with shipping. I have a weird love/hate relationship with shipping.

I’m already tired just thinking about this week. Hope you all have a good one!

What is something you want to manifest this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I low key didn’t realize today was Monday. I’ve had a migraine since yesterday. Gotta love PMS.

I stumbled on this while scrolling through Canva for some inspo. Beyond being a great blogging resource, their template gallery has some really cool inspo!

I have mixed feelings about this quote though; on one hand, I get it. But on the other hand, I don’t want to bend or break. I don’t want to bend to make someone else comfortable if it means making me unhappy. But there are moments where if you don’t bend, you’ll break. Even if you don’t want to do either.

Am I being too cryptic? I really wish I didn’t have to be.

But this is def something I’ve been struggling with since maybe August. Or June. If I’m being honest.

I’m tired of keeping the peace just for the sake of peace whatever that even means any more. I’m tired of having to put my dreams and goals on hold because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I have a solid belief of doing the things I want because life is too short and too short to wait for permission from someone. I’m too free spirited to stay in one place for too long or be told what I can and can’t do.

That’s not to say I would never bend, but I refuse to if it means selling myself short of the things that make me happy or feel alive.

Not just for this week, but for this year; I’m manifesting the strength to be my authentic self and doing what my soul tells me to do.

Recap 2021; Best Of

The Best Of 2021. There’s a ton of things I stumbled on this year that I loved and there’s a few things I know I’m missing. I typically make one of these every year but I don’t really blog about them, I just post them on IG or something. But this year I wanted to recap a few things and a few favorites I had. 2021 was such a weird year I’m sure for a lot of us. We finally got to taste a bit of freedom again. And man did that feel so good!

Entertainment

I admit, I didn’t get to read as many books or see as many movies as I had hoped to. I did manage to finally see Hamilton and even though I knew most of the songs already before watching it, I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. The soundtrack has been playing nonstop in my head and in my life daily since like October. I did catch a bit of the movie my friend Nicolas Dromard (he was the SF Fiyero a few years back) is in! It’s on the Hallmark Channel. I had hoped to watch more Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel and just in general but that didn’t really work out. I get pretty much just one day a week to myself where no one bothers me and I’m always aware of how fast that day goes.

As for tv shows there were a few I had wanted to get to. I did binge Schitt’s Creek. I’m currently on the last 2 episodes and I don’t want it to end honestly. That show was everything I didn’t know I needed in my life. Seriously. I am *IN LOVE* with that show. Other than that, Tums was on an all Bluey kick for a good few months. And for a “kids” show there’s some really valuable advice for parents in those episodes. But I truly believe everyone needs a dad like Bandit. He’s parenting goals, foreal.

I’m going to make a totally different post about all the favorite music I had, I put down You Got It by Vedo since it was one I was listening to pretty much all year. But there are a few others that were also on constant repeat all year.

I didn’t hit my goal of 25 books in 2021 but I did manage to finish The Cassidy Blake series and for a middle grade it’s so good. If you’re into historical fiction and quirky characters, I’d def recommend! My favorite of the series has to be Tunnels of Bones because it takes place in France and the history behind things I didn’t know about Paris was so fascinating! I had messaged my friend who was born and raised in France (who I worked with at Disney) if things were true. I would also live message him while watching Emily in Paris which I never finished. I should though, at some point.

While I bought a ton of new games, I didn’t really play much of them. I started playing Stardew Valley and it is a lot more demanding than Animal Crossing, and the opening tutorial for SDV can get a little confusing. Plus the graphics are really something I need to get use to. I have been religiously playing a game called Solitaire Farm on my Galaxy Tab. It’s such a cute game where you can unlock new items to upgrade your farm with and the challenges are actually really fun to complete! I should write about it some day. I really miss playing games and new games, I really want to make more time to do that in 2022.

Continue reading “Recap 2021; Best Of”

#onelittleword 2022

Hello 2022.

I had such a hard time picking a word for 2022 cause there were just so many good ones that could apply to this year. But one thing I really want to focus and work on is finding balance.

Finding balance between work and rest. Between motherhood and me time. Between just adulthood and making time to see my friends, wherever they are. Finding the balance of stress and ease. And accepting that this will be a journey. Not a destination. I want to learn to how to find the balance to where my life doesn’t feel so… hectic all the time. I miss having the time and energy to just create or game and I want that feeling back, it’s def hard with a clingy toddler but we’re both going to have to figure this out, together.

I have other resolutions… or intentions. I’ll be making a whole different post about that though. There’s a lot I have planned for 2022, but literally, right now, even after having coffee all I want to do is nap for another hour lol.

Here’s to 2022!