Brain Dump | 911, I don’t want to die

A few days ago I woke up with body aches… I thought maybe I was just getting sick. As the day progressed, I kept feeling worse and worse. I could barely eat anything and by the end of the night I threw up. By the time I got Tums to bed, I was pretty dizzy and feeling pretty weird. Thinking I was still just getting sick, I went to bed.

I woke up throwing up… a lot. About 7 times. At that point I realized something wasn’t right and I couldn’t text correctly. I called 911 because I legit felt like I was dying. I was having a hard time breathing, I was sweating like crazy, I felt like I was losing consciousness. I had both the girls with me and my husband was at work. I texted my MIL to come quickly, I think I’m dying. No questions asked, she said she was on her way.

I felt like I was on the phone with 911 for hours but my call log says 24 minutes.

I kept screaming saying “I don’t want to die” and I kept falling over losing consciousness. I then realized what if Tums was dying too? And I went into a whole different type of panic. By the time the medics got here, I wasn’t able to move or walk, I was dizzy. I told Tums she had to open the door and I followed her to the front door where she unlocked and opened it for the medics; she’s 4.

They came in and helped Winnie since she was crying and I got back on the bed. They wrapped me in a blanket and turned on the fan saying my room was really stuffy, but I was freezing. At this point my breathing was a little better, I was able to open my eyes but my vision was blurry and I realized… I couldn’t remember things. I knew my kids were in the room. I knew my MIL was too. But certain questions they asked me, I didn’t know the answers to.

They hooked me up to an IV and got some fluid in me. My MIL got me dressed and they escorted me to the ambulance. There they asked me general questions.. I didn’t know what year it was, what year I was born in, how old I was or who the president was. It was such a weird out of body experience.

I got to the hospital where they put me in a room and hooked me up to more stuff, asked more questions and let me rest a bit while they tried to figure things out. My husband got there shortly after. I told him I was scared, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why can’t I remember things. He went to get some of my stuff and the doctors came in to take blood, samples and run some tests.

The ER staff where I was was amazing. They made me feel comfortable and taken care of.

I finally was able to get an actual room and the staff there were equally as amazing. I love the staff at that hospital. It’s the same hospital I gave birth to Tums in and I had an amazing experience then also.

When I got to my own actual room, besides morning blood tests (which sucked) the only other tests they did were an MRI and a CT scan with that stupid liquid. It felt SO weird. The night nurse who took me though was really sweet and helpful.

The first day I was there they said they saw a high white blood cell count which meant an infection but they didn’t know exactly what kind. So they went with UTI, even though I didn’t have any UTI symptoms. By the last day the doctor came in and told me they found E. Coli in my blood test. I was responding to the antibiotics they were giving me fine so they sent me home with a similar one to take.

I’m 2 days post hospitalization and I’m still on and off dizzy, I have headaches and I feel out of it. The fact it was an E. Coli poisoning is such a scary thought. I couldn’t imagine if this happened to one of my kids. Hopefully I get back to feeling 100% soon. For now, I’m going to lay back down.

Hello April;

Oh, hey blog.

Long time no write.

It’s been crazy over here.

Aria was born 3 weeks early. I had a feeling she would come early… just not that early and surely now how she decided to leave the womb either. It was a smooth delivery, for what it was. Thankfully. Trying to find balance with a newborn and a toddler who is well into her terrible… I don’t even know anymore… is definitely a challenge.

This month I’m going to still try to take it easy and not expect too much of myself — it is my birth month though and Easter! Thankfully this year they’re not on the same day.

I do want to ease into creating again this month and playing some of my gaming backlog.

Here are a few things I hope to cross off my list for April;

→ Start blogging again

I’m waiting for my need to create to come back. I feel it inching closer and closer but it’s not 100% here just yet. But when it does come… I def want to be ready! I truly miss blogging and I’m debating on revamping my old blog (that’s on blogger) or just making a new one. There’s something about a fresh new blog/domain that makes me feel like I can turn it into whatever I want.

→ Set up my Twitch/YouTube stream

I’ve been on the hunt for a ton of cozy gamer games and I love that this is now a niche in the gaming community! I mean, I guess we were always here but I’m so glad there’s more other cozy gamers to find on social media and who make content! Makes me feel way less alone. That said, I really want to get back into streaming games, especially since I’m working on my new setup. Slightly regret that everything isn’t white but I’ll make it work somehow.

→ Set up/organize desk

This goes off that last one kind of. I miss taking product shots and being really happy with them. It’s been such a long while since I’ve actually liked a photo I took. I need to find a better way to display my controllers and where. This new desk I have is an L shaped desk so there’s a lot of space… but making it look put together is another thing. Especially when you have a toddler who wants to take over everything.

→ Redo my product shot corner

I have always had a small product shot corner on my bedroom dresser that is now crowded with drinks I need to throw away, meds from pregnancy and baby stuff. So, I need to do something about that. Also because it’s against the window, I think the lighting has not been the best. In the past it’s always been against the wall to the side of the window. Sigh.

→ Read 1-2 books

I’ve been slacking — once again — on my reading challenge. Last year was a total fail which is fine; it was a really hard and weird year for me, for sure. I don’t expect myself to had finished 25 books last year, at all. I’m hoping to read 1 or 2 books this month. I cut my reading challenge to 12 books for this year and I’m already 4 months behind lol.

I started reading Gallant by VE Schwab, The Archived by Victoria Schwab and Keeper of Enchanted Rooms by Charlie Holmberg. The first 2 being audiobooks and I still haven’t finished them lol. Oh and I also started listening to Arsenic and Adobo by Mia Manasala cause you know, Filipino reppin over here (plus Asian American month is coming).

→ Play 1 new game

My gaming backlog is just as bad my TBR. All over Xbox Game Pass, the Switch, Steam… hell even my tablet cause I just started playing an MMO mobile game I’ve been wanting to play. I need to figure out how to connect a controller to it so I can film gaming content. But this month I want to try one new game from my backlog. And actually play it. I’ve been stuck doing dailies on Disney Dreamlight and Animal Crossing lately. Which I mean.. I don’t even play the games foreal, I literally just do daily shit on them. And it’s not as satisfying as doing dailies on FFXIV, that’s for sure.

Spring is coming, but not fast enough. It’s an nice 90 degree’s here in Texas and I’m a little salty I’m not spending it outside. I can’t wait for Summer to get here! I’m so over these cold waves we’ve been having.

… and the baby is crying. At least I finally finished this post lol.

What is something you hope to start or accomplish in April?

Brain Dump | Merry Christmas Eve!

green pine leaves with brown rope
Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels.com

I feel like Christmas Eve came way too fast.

But I’ve also been disassociated for a few months now so… I’m sure that played a part in this whole thing. Sadly. We have a freeze warning here this weekend. I’m curious to know if it’ll snow. We don’t typically get snow until Jan/Feb so Dec would be super early. But judging how cold it’s been/going to be, I wouldn’t be surprised. I didn’t stock up on much cozies but we do have some cozy family things planned today.

Like making Hot Cocoa, watching Christmas movies and waiting to open Christmas gifts.

I typically can’t/don’t make it to midnight when it comes to Christmas or New Years Eve and with being in the third trimester now, I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s gonna be a struggle to get to midnight tonight lol.

I hope you all have a warm, safe and festive holiday weekend!

Blogmas ’22 | WordPress Daily Prompt

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

I’m failing so hard on Blogmas this year but it’s cool. It’s fine. This is fine.

I’ve never done a WP Daily Prompt but this one caught my attention.

A year ago my life was a little different. I was mostly angry and resentful. I hated where I was, I hated my marriage, I hated everything. It didn’t help that 2021 sucked. I lost my Sophie the same week we got COVID. Oh, and I got COVID. After trying so hard to not. But this is Texas, everyone here is going to get it at some point.

My life today is not how I pictured it a year ago and it’s crazy to see how much can happen and change in just one year. I didn’t think I’d be pregnant again; I had planned on never getting pregnant again. This is my 4th pregnancy, but I only gave birth once, so yah, do the math lol. I didn’t think I’d ever know what it would be like to be with my literal childhood crush/best friend. So that alone was… interesting. It was a relationship full of fancy restaurants, where money wasn’t a limitation, and I could have anything I wanted. It was kind of unreal.

I learned a lot in that experience alone… and was reminded of how dark things can change a person. He was always there to help pull me out of my dark growing up but I couldn’t pull him out of his or what was happening. I learned that I don’t have the time or tolerance to teach someone how to love me — despite knowing someone your whole life they can still not know you or not know how to love you. And that’s totally okay. Not everyone is meant for everyone.

I learned a bit about family and how disappointing that can all be. How much I wish my dad were still around. That sometimes parents know they SHOULD do better but that doesn’t mean they WILL do better. I learned my daughter loves me as I am, that everything else doesn’t matter. As long as she still gets mommy cuddles and kisses. Seeing things through a toddler’s eyes is amazing to witness.

I’m both curious and worried to see what the next year will bring.

Blogmas ’22 | The Christmas Questions Tag

Blogmas ’22 | The Christmas Questions Tag

I got this from Deandra over at The Black Princess Diaries! If you haven’t heard of her, I suggest you check out her blog. She has a ton of fun lifestyle posts!

What’s your favorite Christmas movie?

Serendipity is my go-to for the holiday/Winter season. But A Christmas Story is my go-to for Thanksgiving. I don’t typically watch it any other time for some reason… I should probably change that. But it was a tradition for me and my brother to load up our plates and watch it all day on Thanksgiving growing up since we were usually home alone… and high.

Have you ever had a white Christmas?

I actually never touched snow until a year after Tums was born and it snowed here in Texas. It was a random day in January, then it snowed all day again on Valentine’s Day. You’re so close from a white Christmas Texas… yet so so far.

Where do you usually spend your holiday?

At home. Like in my own apartment. Preferably by myself lol. I’m not big on holidays or being around family really. Part of why I moved states away lol. The kiddo and her dad usually go spend the day with his family and we open gifts on Christmas Eve. Butttt that’s about the extent of my Christmas-ness.

What is your favorite Christmas song?

It’s between Mistletoe by Justin Bieber and This Christmas by Chris Brown.

And the music video that made me fall in love with Justin Bieber; All I Want For Christmas is You.

Do you open any presents on Christmas Eve?

Yup! And all the way up to King’s Day.

Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?

I just went through a mental list and… that’s a no.

What holiday traditions are you looking forward to this year?

I’m currently sick + pregnant so my bloated ass isn’t trying to go outside in this cold lol. I did want to take Tums to see some light events around our area I’ve always wanted to do… we do plan on taking her to Sea World also, so hopefully we’ll all feel better by then to actually go do that.

Is your Christmas tree real or fake?

FAAAAKE! I did a real tree once and hated it! It didn’t even smell as strong as I thought it would and required maintenance. Then when it died.. holy dead needles. Never tf again.

What is your favorite holiday food/snack?

I’m not sure… it used to be Peppermint Bark but honestly I think I’ve only had 1 or 2 Peppermint Mocha’s this year. The Sugar Plum Cheese danish from Starbucks is pretty good oh and the Cranberry Bliss Bar! Non Starbucks snacks though? Other than my Hickory Farms favs I don’t really have one lol.

Be honest, do you like giving or receiving gifts better?

Receiving. I’m not gonna lie. Plus I think I suck at gift giving when aiming with a deadline. I’m better at seeing things in stores randomly and thinking “oh so and so would like this!”

What is the best Christmas present you ever received?

I’m gonna go with my Apple Pencil and my KitchenAid even though I’ve only used it once. I’ve wanted one forever.

What is your dream place to visit for the holiday season?

Disney World, duh. Or Disneyland since they have The Nightmare Before Christmas Haunted Mansion!

Are you a pro present wrapper?

Not really. Some things are way easier to wrap than others. And if I give up, in a gift bag you alllllllllllllllllllllll go.

Most memorable Christmas memory?

That one time in 2013 I completely cancelled Christmas because my husband at the time was a fuckin asshole. Okay maybe going to Disneyland for Christmas for the first (and only) time when I was 21. And maybe the Christmas before Tums was born. That was probably the best tree and best Christmas theme/aesthetic we had.

What made you realize the truth about Santa?

This one time I wanted marbles for Christmas. Like literally the only thing I wanted. I was probably 6 or 7? My mom kept saying she “talked to Santa and he said he didn’t have any”. I think she was scared I’d choke on them or something stupid. But my overthinking ass figured out Santa wasn’t real after that lol.

What makes the holidays special for you?

The fact I get to celebrate Christmas Day alllllooonneee doing nothinnnnnggg if I want to and eat ice cream and watch movies I grew up with all day.

Hello December + Blogmas!

And just like that, it’s already December.

Happy Blogmas to those of you who plan on doing it this year. I’m still undecided if I am or not. I’m just really hoping this post goes up on the first tbh lol. Not sure if I’ll have the time to invest in keeping up with Blogmas since it somehow slipped my mind that December was even coming up; pregnancy brain. It’s real and it sucks.

I don’t want to over goal myself (there’s a word for this, I just can’t think of it at the moment) this month. Especially since I’m late on putting up my Christmas tree and the rest of the apartment decor. I don’t know how time just moved so fast past me.

| Put up the Christmas Tree

I usually have this up by October. This year that didn’t happen. October was a pretty emotionally draining month for me and a bit of November as well. Christmas was the last thing on my mind honestly. Despite knowing it would cheer me up a bit… I still didn’t feel too invested in it. Now it’s December and I feel like I’m late to my own important date. I’m hoping to get the tree up at least before the weekend is over! Unfortunately it’s not as well thought out or going to be as decorated as the previous tree’s we’ve had but this year itself has just been… weird.

| Christmasfy the apartment

Same thing along the lines with the tree thing; I need to update the fairy lights in my room as well as put down the fairy lights and garland by the TV (and someday upgrade that TV cause having a non smart TV is not the move).

| Bake something

I’ve had my kitchen aid for a year now and I’ve only baked one thing. Like?? Not cool. Plus I’ve always wanted to get in the holiday spirit by baking.

| Watch Christmas movies

I use to make it a point to watch a certain amount of Christmas movies… and I have a few that I watch every year. I think I skipped this tradition last year so I wanna make up for it this year.

| Go to 1 Christmas event

I hate the cold. And it doesn’t help that it’s started snowing here in TX in the winter. I’ve always wanted to do Enchantment or the Gaylord stuff but always decided against it since it’s just too cold for my liking.

Tums is old enough to remember/retain things now so maybe I should suck it up and go to something this year.

| Tidy for the New Year

I say this every December. And I always have high hopes I’ll really do it this time. Truthfully I get overwhelmed with how much stuff I do have.

I really want to minimize the stuff I do have… or have homes for them instead of just piling stuff up on a bookshelf or something…

Plus after all the fuckery of 2022, I want to go into 2023 at least with a tidy home.

| Read 3 books

My TBR has been suffering this year with all things considered… I’m def not going to hit my goal of 25 books read but I at least want to get through some of these books. I’ll try to do better next year… maybe lower my goal.

I’m sure I’m missing something important but I’ll get mad at myself when I remember lol.

What are your goals for December?

Brain Dump | Where to even start…

This year has been crazy… and not really in the best kind of way.

Lying about things and keeping secrets isn’t something I do, ever. So it was hard for me to function after a while… the things I was holding in just grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t really talk about it and I couldn’t write about it. Then things personally started getting worse and within that time frame I found and figured out my worth. What I would and would not ever stand for and I found that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, knowing them is something completely different. I would say I feel deceived but perhaps I need to re-evaluate my self toxic trait of being driven by emotion and find a way to be driven more by logic instead.

I filed for divorce earlier this year and that resulted in my 3 year old bouncing between houses. Which she seemed to cope with pretty well, though it started to get to the point where she would ask where her dad was or why wasn’t dad here. She asked me to spend Halloween with them which is fair, it’s my favorite holiday and my (ex) husband wouldn’t say no. The thing about him is that everything that had to do with this divorce was for it to work in my favor. I’m extremely lucky for that.

We separated earlier in the year; a few months later I found myself pregnant despite not really wanting any more kids. It was hard to hide my nausea and even harder to lie to my kid every time she asked if I “had a baby in my belly”. Meanwhile I found myself fighting more and more with the dad of his kid and all of it was just starting to weigh down on me. People close to me were telling me not to tell my husband because he would “for sure take full custody of our daughter” and so that fear stopped me from telling him even though I really wanted to.

Continue reading “Brain Dump | Where to even start…”

Books | My NetGalley TBR

I have fallen off the NetGalley wagon hardcore this year. Okay to be honest, the last few years. I’ve been sitting at 34% feedback rate for way too long and I really need to fix that! I’m hoping to bring that up in the next two months.

Here are 6 titles I’m hoping to get through before the end of October;

There’s been a lot of hype around Belladonna and The Book Eaters. I’m super excited to get into both of these titles the most. I do hear that The Book Eaters is a bit more than just… creatures eating books though. I haven’t heard too much about We Made it All Up but I seem to be drawn to titles with similar themes.

I’ll confess, I haven’t read Harry Potter. It came out when I wasn’t really into fantasy titles, so I always just skipped over it. I do like the movies and I hope to some day read the books. I’m really curious about The Psychology of Harry Potter since there’s so much that goes around about the books. I frequently go down rabbit holes when it comes to casually looking up The Hamilton’s so of course The Scandalous Hamiltons kind of caught my attention! I’m a sucker for all things Peter Pan. I have to many retellings though that made my DNF list. I think the only one I actually finished was Tiger Lily and that was years ago. Hooked looks interesting. It’s always a wonder what these villains did or what their lives could had been like.

I know 6 titles isn’t going to boost my feedback rate by much but hey, it’s a start!

Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…

I’m craving a Tootsie Pop… and not even a flavor I typically reach for.

I know I said I wouldn’t do another one of these after the last one, but it seems like life had other plans for my time.

There’s a lot I still can’t say so I don’t know why I’m even writing this since it’s probably going to be pointless and cryptic… I guess to let you guys (who still read this) know I’m still here. Just not… here.

I can’t believe August is already over and Fall is right around the corner. I’m hoping to beat nausea soon so I can enjoy all the Fall snacks. It’s looking like this last part of 2022 isn’t going to fall into the places I had hoped it would… but maybe this is just a sign. I’m taking it as a sign at least and not calling this a loss. It’s just… on back order for lack of better phrase.

Continue reading “Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…”

Monthly Favs | June 2022

Monthly Favs | June 2022

I miss doing these posts and YouTube videos. It’s always nice to look back and see what your favorite things were throughout the year. I don’t think I discovered much “new” stuff in June, but I know I had a lot of favorites. Let’s jump right into it… before I get distracted lol.

Most of the list consists of food but you know what. That’s fine. We’re here for the foodie pics lol.

Red Bull

I definitely ended up kick starting my obsession with energy drinks again. But this time with Red Bull. Energy drinks usually don’t do anything for me but lately these have made me feel like I can do all the things. And it makes me want to do all the things. It’s just drinking it at 3am to game all night is not the move. I’m getting old ya’ll.

Continue reading “Monthly Favs | June 2022”