Brain Dump | Merry Christmas Eve!

green pine leaves with brown rope
Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels.com

I feel like Christmas Eve came way too fast.

But I’ve also been disassociated for a few months now so… I’m sure that played a part in this whole thing. Sadly. We have a freeze warning here this weekend. I’m curious to know if it’ll snow. We don’t typically get snow until Jan/Feb so Dec would be super early. But judging how cold it’s been/going to be, I wouldn’t be surprised. I didn’t stock up on much cozies but we do have some cozy family things planned today.

Like making Hot Cocoa, watching Christmas movies and waiting to open Christmas gifts.

I typically can’t/don’t make it to midnight when it comes to Christmas or New Years Eve and with being in the third trimester now, I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s gonna be a struggle to get to midnight tonight lol.

I hope you all have a warm, safe and festive holiday weekend!

Blogmas ’22 | WordPress Daily Prompt

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

I’m failing so hard on Blogmas this year but it’s cool. It’s fine. This is fine.

I’ve never done a WP Daily Prompt but this one caught my attention.

A year ago my life was a little different. I was mostly angry and resentful. I hated where I was, I hated my marriage, I hated everything. It didn’t help that 2021 sucked. I lost my Sophie the same week we got COVID. Oh, and I got COVID. After trying so hard to not. But this is Texas, everyone here is going to get it at some point.

My life today is not how I pictured it a year ago and it’s crazy to see how much can happen and change in just one year. I didn’t think I’d be pregnant again; I had planned on never getting pregnant again. This is my 4th pregnancy, but I only gave birth once, so yah, do the math lol. I didn’t think I’d ever know what it would be like to be with my literal childhood crush/best friend. So that alone was… interesting. It was a relationship full of fancy restaurants, where money wasn’t a limitation, and I could have anything I wanted. It was kind of unreal.

I learned a lot in that experience alone… and was reminded of how dark things can change a person. He was always there to help pull me out of my dark growing up but I couldn’t pull him out of his or what was happening. I learned that I don’t have the time or tolerance to teach someone how to love me — despite knowing someone your whole life they can still not know you or not know how to love you. And that’s totally okay. Not everyone is meant for everyone.

I learned a bit about family and how disappointing that can all be. How much I wish my dad were still around. That sometimes parents know they SHOULD do better but that doesn’t mean they WILL do better. I learned my daughter loves me as I am, that everything else doesn’t matter. As long as she still gets mommy cuddles and kisses. Seeing things through a toddler’s eyes is amazing to witness.

I’m both curious and worried to see what the next year will bring.

Blogmas ’22 | The Christmas Questions Tag

Blogmas ’22 | The Christmas Questions Tag

I got this from Deandra over at The Black Princess Diaries! If you haven’t heard of her, I suggest you check out her blog. She has a ton of fun lifestyle posts!

What’s your favorite Christmas movie?

Serendipity is my go-to for the holiday/Winter season. But A Christmas Story is my go-to for Thanksgiving. I don’t typically watch it any other time for some reason… I should probably change that. But it was a tradition for me and my brother to load up our plates and watch it all day on Thanksgiving growing up since we were usually home alone… and high.

Have you ever had a white Christmas?

I actually never touched snow until a year after Tums was born and it snowed here in Texas. It was a random day in January, then it snowed all day again on Valentine’s Day. You’re so close from a white Christmas Texas… yet so so far.

Where do you usually spend your holiday?

At home. Like in my own apartment. Preferably by myself lol. I’m not big on holidays or being around family really. Part of why I moved states away lol. The kiddo and her dad usually go spend the day with his family and we open gifts on Christmas Eve. Butttt that’s about the extent of my Christmas-ness.

What is your favorite Christmas song?

It’s between Mistletoe by Justin Bieber and This Christmas by Chris Brown.

And the music video that made me fall in love with Justin Bieber; All I Want For Christmas is You.

Do you open any presents on Christmas Eve?

Yup! And all the way up to King’s Day.

Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?

I just went through a mental list and… that’s a no.

What holiday traditions are you looking forward to this year?

I’m currently sick + pregnant so my bloated ass isn’t trying to go outside in this cold lol. I did want to take Tums to see some light events around our area I’ve always wanted to do… we do plan on taking her to Sea World also, so hopefully we’ll all feel better by then to actually go do that.

Is your Christmas tree real or fake?

FAAAAKE! I did a real tree once and hated it! It didn’t even smell as strong as I thought it would and required maintenance. Then when it died.. holy dead needles. Never tf again.

What is your favorite holiday food/snack?

I’m not sure… it used to be Peppermint Bark but honestly I think I’ve only had 1 or 2 Peppermint Mocha’s this year. The Sugar Plum Cheese danish from Starbucks is pretty good oh and the Cranberry Bliss Bar! Non Starbucks snacks though? Other than my Hickory Farms favs I don’t really have one lol.

Be honest, do you like giving or receiving gifts better?

Receiving. I’m not gonna lie. Plus I think I suck at gift giving when aiming with a deadline. I’m better at seeing things in stores randomly and thinking “oh so and so would like this!”

What is the best Christmas present you ever received?

I’m gonna go with my Apple Pencil and my KitchenAid even though I’ve only used it once. I’ve wanted one forever.

What is your dream place to visit for the holiday season?

Disney World, duh. Or Disneyland since they have The Nightmare Before Christmas Haunted Mansion!

Are you a pro present wrapper?

Not really. Some things are way easier to wrap than others. And if I give up, in a gift bag you alllllllllllllllllllllll go.

Most memorable Christmas memory?

That one time in 2013 I completely cancelled Christmas because my husband at the time was a fuckin asshole. Okay maybe going to Disneyland for Christmas for the first (and only) time when I was 21. And maybe the Christmas before Tums was born. That was probably the best tree and best Christmas theme/aesthetic we had.

What made you realize the truth about Santa?

This one time I wanted marbles for Christmas. Like literally the only thing I wanted. I was probably 6 or 7? My mom kept saying she “talked to Santa and he said he didn’t have any”. I think she was scared I’d choke on them or something stupid. But my overthinking ass figured out Santa wasn’t real after that lol.

What makes the holidays special for you?

The fact I get to celebrate Christmas Day alllllooonneee doing nothinnnnnggg if I want to and eat ice cream and watch movies I grew up with all day.

Hello December + Blogmas!

And just like that, it’s already December.

Happy Blogmas to those of you who plan on doing it this year. I’m still undecided if I am or not. I’m just really hoping this post goes up on the first tbh lol. Not sure if I’ll have the time to invest in keeping up with Blogmas since it somehow slipped my mind that December was even coming up; pregnancy brain. It’s real and it sucks.

I don’t want to over goal myself (there’s a word for this, I just can’t think of it at the moment) this month. Especially since I’m late on putting up my Christmas tree and the rest of the apartment decor. I don’t know how time just moved so fast past me.

| Put up the Christmas Tree

I usually have this up by October. This year that didn’t happen. October was a pretty emotionally draining month for me and a bit of November as well. Christmas was the last thing on my mind honestly. Despite knowing it would cheer me up a bit… I still didn’t feel too invested in it. Now it’s December and I feel like I’m late to my own important date. I’m hoping to get the tree up at least before the weekend is over! Unfortunately it’s not as well thought out or going to be as decorated as the previous tree’s we’ve had but this year itself has just been… weird.

| Christmasfy the apartment

Same thing along the lines with the tree thing; I need to update the fairy lights in my room as well as put down the fairy lights and garland by the TV (and someday upgrade that TV cause having a non smart TV is not the move).

| Bake something

I’ve had my kitchen aid for a year now and I’ve only baked one thing. Like?? Not cool. Plus I’ve always wanted to get in the holiday spirit by baking.

| Watch Christmas movies

I use to make it a point to watch a certain amount of Christmas movies… and I have a few that I watch every year. I think I skipped this tradition last year so I wanna make up for it this year.

| Go to 1 Christmas event

I hate the cold. And it doesn’t help that it’s started snowing here in TX in the winter. I’ve always wanted to do Enchantment or the Gaylord stuff but always decided against it since it’s just too cold for my liking.

Tums is old enough to remember/retain things now so maybe I should suck it up and go to something this year.

| Tidy for the New Year

I say this every December. And I always have high hopes I’ll really do it this time. Truthfully I get overwhelmed with how much stuff I do have.

I really want to minimize the stuff I do have… or have homes for them instead of just piling stuff up on a bookshelf or something…

Plus after all the fuckery of 2022, I want to go into 2023 at least with a tidy home.

| Read 3 books

My TBR has been suffering this year with all things considered… I’m def not going to hit my goal of 25 books read but I at least want to get through some of these books. I’ll try to do better next year… maybe lower my goal.

I’m sure I’m missing something important but I’ll get mad at myself when I remember lol.

What are your goals for December?

Brain Dump | Where to even start…

This year has been crazy… and not really in the best kind of way.

Lying about things and keeping secrets isn’t something I do, ever. So it was hard for me to function after a while… the things I was holding in just grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t really talk about it and I couldn’t write about it. Then things personally started getting worse and within that time frame I found and figured out my worth. What I would and would not ever stand for and I found that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, knowing them is something completely different. I would say I feel deceived but perhaps I need to re-evaluate my self toxic trait of being driven by emotion and find a way to be driven more by logic instead.

I filed for divorce earlier this year and that resulted in my 3 year old bouncing between houses. Which she seemed to cope with pretty well, though it started to get to the point where she would ask where her dad was or why wasn’t dad here. She asked me to spend Halloween with them which is fair, it’s my favorite holiday and my (ex) husband wouldn’t say no. The thing about him is that everything that had to do with this divorce was for it to work in my favor. I’m extremely lucky for that.

We separated earlier in the year; a few months later I found myself pregnant despite not really wanting any more kids. It was hard to hide my nausea and even harder to lie to my kid every time she asked if I “had a baby in my belly”. Meanwhile I found myself fighting more and more with the dad of his kid and all of it was just starting to weigh down on me. People close to me were telling me not to tell my husband because he would “for sure take full custody of our daughter” and so that fear stopped me from telling him even though I really wanted to.

Continue reading “Brain Dump | Where to even start…”

Books | My NetGalley TBR

I have fallen off the NetGalley wagon hardcore this year. Okay to be honest, the last few years. I’ve been sitting at 34% feedback rate for way too long and I really need to fix that! I’m hoping to bring that up in the next two months.

Here are 6 titles I’m hoping to get through before the end of October;

There’s been a lot of hype around Belladonna and The Book Eaters. I’m super excited to get into both of these titles the most. I do hear that The Book Eaters is a bit more than just… creatures eating books though. I haven’t heard too much about We Made it All Up but I seem to be drawn to titles with similar themes.

I’ll confess, I haven’t read Harry Potter. It came out when I wasn’t really into fantasy titles, so I always just skipped over it. I do like the movies and I hope to some day read the books. I’m really curious about The Psychology of Harry Potter since there’s so much that goes around about the books. I frequently go down rabbit holes when it comes to casually looking up The Hamilton’s so of course The Scandalous Hamiltons kind of caught my attention! I’m a sucker for all things Peter Pan. I have to many retellings though that made my DNF list. I think the only one I actually finished was Tiger Lily and that was years ago. Hooked looks interesting. It’s always a wonder what these villains did or what their lives could had been like.

I know 6 titles isn’t going to boost my feedback rate by much but hey, it’s a start!

Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…

I’m craving a Tootsie Pop… and not even a flavor I typically reach for.

I know I said I wouldn’t do another one of these after the last one, but it seems like life had other plans for my time.

There’s a lot I still can’t say so I don’t know why I’m even writing this since it’s probably going to be pointless and cryptic… I guess to let you guys (who still read this) know I’m still here. Just not… here.

I can’t believe August is already over and Fall is right around the corner. I’m hoping to beat nausea soon so I can enjoy all the Fall snacks. It’s looking like this last part of 2022 isn’t going to fall into the places I had hoped it would… but maybe this is just a sign. I’m taking it as a sign at least and not calling this a loss. It’s just… on back order for lack of better phrase.

Continue reading “Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…”

Monthly Favs | June 2022

Monthly Favs | June 2022

I miss doing these posts and YouTube videos. It’s always nice to look back and see what your favorite things were throughout the year. I don’t think I discovered much “new” stuff in June, but I know I had a lot of favorites. Let’s jump right into it… before I get distracted lol.

Most of the list consists of food but you know what. That’s fine. We’re here for the foodie pics lol.

Red Bull

I definitely ended up kick starting my obsession with energy drinks again. But this time with Red Bull. Energy drinks usually don’t do anything for me but lately these have made me feel like I can do all the things. And it makes me want to do all the things. It’s just drinking it at 3am to game all night is not the move. I’m getting old ya’ll.

Continue reading “Monthly Favs | June 2022”

Brain Dump | Back On This BS

I had every intention to write an actual blog post the next time I updated but for some reason I just couldn’t finish any of the blog posts I’d start. I kept censoring myself because ironically in 2022 I learned the luxury of privacy and I’m actual kind of… enjoying it.

I’ve always been a transparent open book; you can’t start rumors or shit talk me because everything you could possibly say is already written in a blog somewhere publicly for anyone to read. It doesn’t stop people from trying though. But those who know me, at all, know that if it were really worth something listening to *I* would had already said something before anyone else and anything outside of that is a rumor and a lie.

My first ex husband and I had a rule: don’t ask, don’t tell.

We were entitled to our privacy and our choice if there was something we really didn’t feel like talking about right then and there. And for a good decade, it worked out really well for us. It taught me however to avoid the truth. I don’t like to lie, ever. And I don’t lie about anything significant. I use to lie a lot growing up and do you know how draining it is to remember lies? I can’t be bothered now as an adult to remember shit like that so I just don’t lie. Plus, again, I’m an open book. What do you want to know? I’ll be happy to tell you. Own who you are. Own your mistakes. Your demons. Your trauma. Cause if you do, that’s a power no one can take from you.

There are a lot of things happening in my life right now that I can not wait to talk about when I finally can/want to. I’ve been reminded just how solid and how loyal my support system is. I have been reminded how much my family cares about me despite “not being close”. They are loyal. They are hands down ride or die’s and they would, no matter how long time has passed, always have my back with whatever I need. No questions, no judgment and no record keeping.

I’m reminded of how much my bff loves me. He’s always been really compassionate and protective over me. And it’s crazy that twenty two years later he’s still just as protective. Just as willing to do whatever he can to make sure I’m okay and taken care of. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friendship like this, but I am beyond thankful for it. I’m mid key thankful he saved my life as kids lol; sometimes I wonder why I even listened to his pleas to make me put the pills down. To get me to go to church. To convince me to keep holding on. I’m truly lucky to have so many people care so much about me. That distance doesn’t matter, I’m never alone. To have people blow up my phone just to make sure I took my meds, I ate today, I filled orders.

My whole gaming set up has been upgraded. The whole thing. The downside is I’m realizing my PC doesn’t have USB 3.0 so I can’t get my capture card to register. So no Nintendo streams until I fix that. But I have been streaming again and I actually streamed a new demo game that I’m pretty excited about. I do need to figure something out about the lighting in my office cause with the webcam it’s not the best. It kind of annoys me. And I need to find speakers because despite having a gaming monitor, it does not have speakers. Make it make sense. I’m planning a relaunch for my shop in August by my one year anniversary. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year!

I need to start getting to work! Hope you are all doing well!

Weekly Recap; Dec 13th -19th

What day is it? Cause I swear all week I’ve been behind 2 days at a time. How that’s possible? I have no freakin idea but as the parent of a toddler? Yeah, it definitely happens.

I was struggling with my mental health and with expressing myself. I just love how the closer we get to Christmas the more anxiety, dread and just I really don’t wanna be here/do this right now feeling comes back. I had the weirdest dream last night that my husband had some “small work party” yet it was like people were all over our 3 story mansion. I couldn’t even sneak away before someone else notices. I was going somewhere with this but I literally just dozed off writing that last sentence.

Hai guys, it’s now 1pm and I’m awake. I don’t remember writing any of that shit last night. But here we are lol.

I can’t believe Christmas is in a few days. I always feel like Christmas comes too fast. I still want to bask in the peppermint everything and the lights!

I tried to do OOTD photos for hazearella + having photos to post reviews about a clothing haul I did. That’s a Peppermint Marshmallow shake from Shake Shack. It was ok. This hoodie is from Shein and it’s cozy af. I love it. I just wish it had pockets. T is wearing a bunny raincoat I got her last Spring for Easter, it’s still super big on her. Thank goodness.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; Dec 13th -19th”