Hello September

It’s iced coffee, cold brew, leggings all day, oversized sweaters and beanie weather.

If you know… you didn’t live in TX or FL.

Is that going to stop me? Hewl nah it’s not. I wait all year for this time of the year!

I’ve been SUPER inconsistent with my blogging and managing my business this year. I’m trying to give myself some grace considering all the other things that happened this year… and it’s a lot. I wish I could write about it cause I could really use some shadow work on some of this shit. But that’s going to have to go somewhere a little more private. I feel like I went from finding a solid potential balance late last year to completely destroying that myself this year. I am thankful however — very thankful — that my soon to be ex husband is understanding in the fact that I really want my time to myself. I never have to explain why I do, he doesn’t question it, he just knows I need it from time to time. So I’m endlessly thankful that he’s trying to make this divorce work in my favor. Possibly more in mine than in his. He’s not a bad person, deep down, we just weren’t right for each other. And that too is okay. Tums is loved by so many people and she has more than one place to call home. That’s all that matters.

We’re in the last quarter of 2022. That’s insane to think about. But it also makes me think what do I want to accomplish in these last few months of 2022.

I don’t really know lolol. I mean I have some goals but like I don’t have some solid plan. I figure I winged this year, I’ll just wing the rest of it. Sometimes the best things happen when you don’t plan them.

Continue reading “Hello September”

Brain Dump | This Shi Again

I have a forever pimple on my scalp and it’s really making the left side of my head hurt? I don’t know how to explain it. But I should probably stop fuckin with it. A friend told me recently I need to stop cussing so much in my posts cause it makes it lose its integrity. Fuck that. Freedom of speech mf. Keep scrolling if you’re bothered.

My daily routine of Cherry Cokes have no been replaced with mf Red Bull. So over the last 2 weeks I’ve been at an 8 and my poor cousin has had to suffer while my mind is running a mile a second. But I’ve never felt this awake in years so I’m going to bask in the fact that I’m not some weird underlying type of tired. Why did I stay away from these again?

I’m in a weird limbo state in my life — I want to talk about it but I kind of can’t. But then I don’t think I ever want to talk about it either? It’s such a weird thing. It tests my ability to be transparent and I hate that.\

Me: Ahhh! There’s a CRICKET in the grass!
Thiswae: DO YOU SEE THE RED FLAG ITS HOLDING UP MF?!

Gotta love when my brother refuses to let me escape a subject. Mf. There’s a fine line between coming at someone from a place of empathy and love and just being a straight up controlling bitch. It’s a very fine line. But let’s talk about control. Like what’s up with that? LET PEOPLE BE THEM. At the end of the day, they’ll do whatever tf they want. AS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO. Why come into someone’s life just to tell them what to do? Just to mold them into who you want? Go get you a block of clay with that shit.

Jealousy is toxic
Insecurities are toxic

Fite me.

And if you cared about someone you would address this shit and not just go behind their back and not say shit. By all means, do whatever strokes your ego, but don’t be upset when it results in trust being broken. That’s on you. Handle that insecurity or whatever it is before coming to someone. I swear, the older people get, the DUMBER they are. I need to surround myself with people who are TRULY committed to self-improvement, productivity and mf shadow work. I have trauma only works for so long. GET. IT. TOGETHER. Or go find people who are on the same spiritual level as you. Cause the rest of us do not have the patience to do your healing for you.

I think for the rest of May I’m going to work on Marie Condo-ing my entire life. I’ll keep you all updated on how that goes.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, huh?

Have I mentioned I love reading/watching/immersing myself in things that make me question my mortality? I realized this last weekend that I need to really figure out how to change my perspective when it comes to loss and death. As someone who jokes about suicide as much as I do, you’d think I had a pretty solid grasp on the concept of death, but I really don’t. Life is much easier lived when you don’t feel like you have anything to lose, that’s for sure. Part of the reason why I never wanted kids, I never wanted to be responsible for their loss of a parent if some day I wasn’t able to fight my demons.

Although, now that I’m in my mid 30’s, me and my demons have a bit of an understanding. At least way more of an understanding than we’ve ever had before. But it took a lot of soul searching, shadow work and expressing myself to get here. It also took a lot of loss. Because with every hard moment, with every loss, with every life changing experience you gain something. And if you don’t, you’re a robot. Seriously.

My cousin brought something to my attention a few hours ago — that if I want something, I do everything to make it happen. The trick is wanting it. And it reminded me that that’s a thing I’ve always had in my hand.

The universe will always give you what you ask for.

Manifestation is a real thing. And looking back at my life, I can’t deny that. At all. Because even the smallest things can be manifested. Not missing your flight. Sometimes running into someone you want to run into. Just things like that have always happened for me, if I wanted it.

There is so much more I want to say on a more personal level but I can’t seem to get myself to write it. No matter how much I try. I hate that. I hate that I let other people who may be lurking impact what I say here. I’m really hoping that with the next step of my life I’ll be able to let go of that fear and just be free to say what I want here and on social media. It’s been a very paralyzing few years. I almost have to force myself to write and remind myself of why I’m here. And it’s not for them.

Just know I’m good.

I’m so good. I’m such a sucker for new beginnings. And this time is no exception. I’ve learned what I will and what I sure as hell won’t stand ever again. I know what my worth is. I know how valuable my time and energy is. I was reminded that bad energy will make you sick. That if I can cut off family members, I can cut off anyone.

Reminding yourself of your worth is always a hard thing to maintain. I never understand why. Why is it so hard to remember what we are worth? But so easy to remember lies people tell us about ourselves? No one knows you better than YOU know YOU. People can say what they want, none of it could be true but you’d believe every word. This is the kind of thing that confuses the universe.

This week I want to be more mindful of how I consider my worth. I want to be better at reminding myself OF my worth and that no matter what happens, the universe has my back. Always has.

What’s something you want to manifest this week?