Brain Dump | Goodbye 2021

I had hoped to have all of this week’s blog posts formatted and ready to be posted but that didn’t happen. I love doing recap posts just to see how my year went, so I’ll probably be posting those all through January if I can get them done.

My BFF is super prompt on the whole “sooo, what’s on your resolutions list?” I honestly haven’t really given it much detailed though this time. I was trying to write one up this morning and I just couldn’t really think of anything. Or I just want to see where 2022 takes me. A bunch of stuff on my 2021 resolutions list didn’t happen… but far better things did happen. And while I can set my intentions for 2022, I really want to see what happens if I don’t bind myself to resolutions. I am still doing #OneLittleWord and I think I settled on a word already.

Okay just kidding, I wrote a list just to have something to send to my BFF lmao. I want to focus on doing more shadow work. On healing cause I’m not that boring as I think I am without my sarcasm and dark jokes either. And because Tums deserves the best version of me, always. I want to work on not holding on to things or people that don’t deserve a space in my life, energy or mind space. I definitely want to make big money moves for my shop… I don’t know what that means exactly but we’re gonna figure it out!

I’m realizing my friends think the world of me and my ability. I’m realizing that they believe in me more than I could ever imagine. They’ve been sos supportive since I opened my shop and it just gives me warm fuzzy feelings… and makes me want to go home even more. I want to see myself how they see me. I want to believe in me like they believe in me — and I use to — I don’t know why I stopped. I don’t know why outsiders opinions leave you heavy when you know they don’t know you. That’s also something I really want to change. I know me. My circle knows me. My daughter knows me. And that should be enough.

2021, you were a relief after the shit I had to deal with in 2020. I found my footing again. I started to move back into who I know I am. I made changes. I made things happen. I chased ridiculous dreams and it came out amazing. I grew closer to people that bring so much value to my life. I fell into something I didn’t know I wanted until it happened; and it’s been such a refreshing and amazing feeling. It’s not easy and it’s not going to be easy, but it is worth it. I got to go home, twice. And that alone made 2021 the best.

I ended up getting COVID, and my friends sent me get well gifts for no reason. And I can’t even put into words how that made me feel. I’m so lucky. I lost my best fur baby, and I miss her every single day. But I’m thankful she’s no longer in pain, she’s no longer silently suffering. I did what I said I would do — give you a life full of love for as long as you had left. And you weren’t just loved by me, but literally every other person who had the pleasure of meeting you. You were loved by people states away who loved seeing photos of you. You were loved by so many people and I’m so happy I got to give you that. I will forever miss your thump tail hugs. I will forever miss you.

My daughter grew into more of a person. She’s only 2 this year but her growth has been so amazing to watch. Seeing how fast she can learn and learning things that she loves has been such a joy to watch. She started talking in complete sentences and now has the ability to actually have conversations with us. She is SO polite. She says “bless you”. She says “thank you” for everything. She says “oh haha, sowwie!” when I tell her she dropped something. She also cleans up after herself. She’s such a mama’s girl, for sure and she loves to just hang out with me or has to constantly have to be touching me somehow. I love that I’m her comfort, but I’m also SO overwhelmed about it as well. I guess there’s no way around either end of the spectrum.

I made new friends through blogging and social media and I am so thankful for them. There are some crazy amazing, inspiring and creative people out there. And staying around those who have the same goals as you is such an inspiring thing.

Seasonal depression might had hit me hard this year, but I also experienced so much love and happiness despite it. And I owe this year to the people who stood by my side through everything. Who constantly gas me up and who will stay up listening to me vent for as long as I need to.

So to my circle; thank you a million fuckin times. You guys have my heart.

To the people I managed to make new connections with through the blog and social media; I am so proud of all the accomplishments I got to witness you achieve. I’m glad you’re in my life.

To my BFF’s; I don’t even know how to begin thanking you. But even through disagreements and low key fall outs, it’s the way we fell back together that really matters. Knowing that even if you were upset with me and taking your space, didn’t mean you stopped thinking of me or caring about me and that means SO much. I know I’m not anywhere close to perfect. I know I made some DUMB ASS choices and I’m glad that you guys are there to call me out on it. D A I L Y.

If 2021 is any indication of what lies ahead for me, I’m so ready to meet 2022.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

That’s it.

That’s the whole message this week.

Did I finish wrapping and sending out xmas gifts? Nah. Are my mom’s, brother, and 2 friend’s gifts gonna be late? Fuck yeah.

I’m just gonna sit here and ignore the fact I feel like I was unprepared for Christmas this year. Because honestly once it hits October don’t expect me to be on top of any A game for anything. One of these years I’ll get my productivity back on track — even in my seasonal depression months. My BFFF says I need to stop cussing in my writing, fuck you bruh just kidding. You’re adorable. I appreciate you. Endlessly. But I had to. Lol.

This week I want to manifest sanity and avoid headaches lol.

Wishing you all a calm and festive week ahead!

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Anyone else feel a little bit rushed at the fact that Christmas and New Years are just way too close to each other? Like dang, can we get some time to recover from Christmas?!

Happy New Years week!

My BFF texted me on Christmas Eve asking if I had my resolutions list ready yet. Tbh she’s later than usual asking me this but my mind has been a foggy mess since November so it wasn’t something I had really put any thought or anything into just yet. I’m now reminded that I need to get on that this week. Along with whatever else last minute 2021 things I set for myself like: creating space for new things by getting rid of things I don’t need. Or catching up on all my recap blog posts. Oh and reading 7 books. Which seems like a small list now but it entails a lot of detail.

I also have to get a start on what I want to release for 2022 on the shop. This is one I’ve been working on but I’m coming up blank. At least I got to catch up on A LOT of sleep this weekend. Thank goodness for that.

This week I want to manifest;

Getting my ass in gear and to do my best to finish all the last minute 2021 things I need to get done.

What are your plans for this week? Or for the New Year? Have you started your resolutions list yet?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I know it’s been a minute since I’ve blogged anything; my mind has just been thrown around everywhere. I really wanted to do blog/vlogmas but I just wasn’t prepared at all. It’s okay, I can jump in now, it’s not too late to!

This week I’m trying to get things back on track. Trying to get back to updating my shop and my shop blog as well as post more on my Disney and food accounts. I’ve just felt so stuck… most so than usual here. And I think I get like this every time I come back from Florida too… I remember how alive it feels there and to come back to TX where it feels slow paced… just sucks. Literally wondering why I even moved here, honestly.

This quote from Hamilton really struck a cord with me, because it’s been a quote/concept I’ve carried around with me my whole life. It’s also probably why I’m not a huge fan of Burr. I’m more like Hamilton in so many ways.

I told my BFF that 2022 is going to be the find yourself bitch year. Which means going wherever my soul tells me I need to go. Be around the people who have always had my back. Be the real me and not whoever people here think I am.

And if I don’t stand for the things that make me me, then what will I fall for?

This week I want to manifest just that — to do the things that make me me. Time is ticking and I’m not getting any younger. I’m tired of being unhappy and it’s up to me to change that.

What is something you want to manifest this last month of 2021?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

This Fall has been… very insightful so far. Very, very… insightful. And life can throw us a ton of curve balls as well as drop us in the darkest of places with no idea on how to get tf out.

But for the first time in a long time, I’m fine this Fall. November can be a hard month for me so I fill it with being nonstop busy. Doing NaNoWriMo, going to school, picking up a ton of reading challenges. Anything that gives me no room to be idle in November. But this year I want nothing more than just that. To be idle. I wish I could talk more about why but it’s not something I want to get into just yet.

This week I’m hoping to get some catching up done. As well as packing for my trip. Setting plans on when I’ll see my friends when I’m in Florida and putting up the holiday stuff on my Etsy and my shop. I wish I could stay in Florida longer than just 3 days. But it’s better than nothing. I’ll be back soon!

This week I want to manifest patience. In trusting the universe and the process. In having the ability to focus and stay in my lane. Amazing things can happen if you give yourself the chance to manifest them.

What is something you want to manifest this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

This week is pretty much You Got It by Vedo.

This Fall/Winter fuckery in TX is really throwing me off and making me feel drained and cold. Two things I do not like! I tried going to the gym yesterday in my complex and there were kids fucking around in there being hella loud and taking up all the machines to just play on them. Then they went outside to smoke Black & Milds. Literally thought I moved AWAY from this type of shit. So I ended up just walking around the complex and to 711 for snacks. Granted the complex is huge, so it’s fine. Plus it was super nice outside. It made me miss chillen with my friends back home.

Go get that degree, focus on me.

There’s something comforting about a friend, or whatever telling you to focus on them when you’re trying to change a situation in your life. And even though I’m not friends with said dude that this reminds me of, still glad he was there when he was. Random memory.

I’m hoping to get caught up with blogging and a bit of reading this week. I should aim to put new products up on the shop but honestly… I haven’t opened Procreate in like 2 weeks. I’m stumped when it comes to holiday ideas. It should be WAY EASY to come up with something but my mind is just blank. I also have to get ready for our trip to Orlando — I’m hoping I pick up some inspo while I’m here. I miss Orlando so much.

This week I’m manifesting;

More energy by hopefully setting a regular sleeping schedule (as much as I can). The energy to catch up on Nov blog posts and work on my core/ab work outs. I’m not trying to pull my back on the trip!

What are your goals for this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Ooh look what’s back this week! Idk if it’s Mercury Retrograde but this weekend has been flooded with a few hard hitting realizations.

Sunday was World Mental Health Day and USUALLY I have some well thought out post on social media and my blogs but this weekend I was just… I had the worst creative block. And a sneezing fit. But that’s different.

And if I could grant you peace of mind, would it be enough?

Something about this segment that seems to repeat itself through out Hamilton lives rent free in the front of my mind lately, not just that but it strikes a cord with me.

I struggled a lot growing up. I was shy because I was insecure. I was insecure because I was never encouraged; I was encouraged by my Lolo but he passed away when I was 9 and I had nothing after that. I was told a lot of hurtful things growing up that undermined my intelligence, my perception of myself being a good person, my beauty, my anything. Anything you could think of. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed and feeling worthless. I TRULY DEEPLY felt like I was a waste of space. That everyone in my life would be so much better off and happier without me bringing them down or getting in their way.

I still carry these insecurities with me. I’m MUCH more aware of them and it only took me 30-something years to realize most of them were far from true. Here’s the thing though — you could be 110% aware that something isn’t true about you. But because it was drilled into your head that it “is true” you start to doubt yourself. DESPITE KNOWNING that it’s not true.

I had refused to wear shorts and skirts and dresses until I was 31. And I fuckin lived in Florida. I refused to be outside of my house in anything less than a tee shirt. I hated my legs, I hated my shoulders, I hated my collarbone. I hated that I was flat chested. I couldn’t understand why anyone would truly be attracted to me. At 13 I started thinking about suicide. At 14 I met my really sweet friend Dru. He was adorable and popular and he was really sweet and kind. And I was like, in love with him for awhile, I asked him out like 5 times and he said no every single time. It’s cool, I never held it against him. And honestly we’ve been really close friends for the last 21 years, so.

I have so many memories of him convincing me that I’m worth something. That my life is mine to make. And even now 21 years later he still reminds me he needs me here. This year I’ve been reminded that people really fuckin love me. People really fuckin support me. I have the MOST amazing friends a girl could ask for.

This is getting way longer than I thought it would.

My friends have played a huge part in helping me build myself back up.

Just stay alive, that would be enough

I caught COVID in May and the amount of friends who would check up on me, who sent me get well gifts… was touching. I know my friends love and care about me, but I guess I just didn’t really think about how much I meant to them. This year has been reminders of exactly that and it’s something I’ve needed.

This week I want to manifest that everything I think I am, I am. I want to stop selling myself short.

5 Ways to Self Sabotage Your Own Health

5 Ways to Self Sabotage Your Own Health

When it comes to our own health we tend to make excuses for ourselves, yet when it comes to someone else’s sometimes we have the most to say when it’s really not our place/business. I know I’m guilty of this! I don’t eat as well as I use to (really trying though) but I do know I think about it often and tell myself next week, next month. It’s not about going hot turkey (is that the opposite for cold turkey or nah) on being health conscious, it’s about making mindful steps towards better habits for yourself.

But we’re not talking about that here, we’re talking about the 5 ways you can sabotage your own health (and yourself).

| Eating straight up crap

Eating crap will make you feel like crap. Period. I love McDonald’s just as much as the next person but eating it all week or super frequently can’t be good for you. There are some times I can eat something super unhealthy and just feel it cling to my insides if that makes sense lol. Fast food places offer healthier stuff but at the end of the day, it’s still fast food.

I know for me when I add more fruits and veggies into my meals I tend to feel better. Less heavy. The only thing I can’t kick is soda and coffee. But hey, well have to have “our thing”. Though sometimes coffee really makes me feel worse than better. I know this one is a “duh” but it still needs to be pointed out.

| Being un-active and wondering why you’re always tired

I’m totally outting myself with this one.

Since moving to TX I don’t go out as much as I use to, and when I do, I don’t do a lot of walking like I did when I lived in Florida. Bub isn’t big on walking and since it’s hot here the majority of the year, sometimes he won’t even leave the car. That makes it hard for me to find time to just walk like I use to. Because of this, my sciatic nerve has been acting up and that shit is not fun. I do find on days when I walk a lot it’s not as painful.

Makes me miss living in Florida and going to Disney World all the time.

I do find that when I’m less busy/active I tend to be MORE tired. I mean I don’t sleep well and I haven’t since 2006 (really need to get that checked) and since giving birth I REALLY don’t sleep at night; but I try to be active. Tums likes to play hide and seek and kick ball (in the apartment) so I take every chance I can to actively play with her. I find that if I’m more active during the day I’m less likely to want/need a nap; verses when I’d spend all day in bed or have nothing going on, I tend to be more tired and sleepy.

| Ignoring your own boundaries

I think most people are guilty of this one because we want to avoid conflict. Which is totally valid. But what is the fine line between it all? Everyone has their own set of boundaries for a reason, and sure we let people slide from time to time to avoid conflict but that’s just us self sabotaging.

Boundaries are hard for other people to understand, especially if your boundary is something that was “okay” at one point or if it’s something they don’t like — or can’t control you with. But it’s important to you and your well being to stand by your boundaries and enforce them when they need to be.

| Drowning yourself in work because you can’t find/afford therapy

Hai, me outting myself again!

Therapy is a bitch to find in TX and when you do find it, you have to go through so many things just to be able to finally SEE a therapist. It’s so crazy and time consuming. I have a habit of throwing myself into work in general but also intensely so when I’m in a mood.

The Rock says this interesting thing a lot: “I hit the gym so hard because I refuse to go to therapy.” or some shit. But that was my eye opening moment that everyone goes through it and a lot of us find vices instead of help. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, at all. I think this habit of mine is productive, but that’s just me.

| Not listening to yourself

Your gut won’t lie to you. Ever.

If you feel like a place, person or situation isn’t good for you… you’re probably right. If you feel like your body is telling you to chill tf out and rest, you probably need to. WE usually know what’s best for us, more than anyone else but we listen to everything and everyone else BUT ourselves.

It’s def time to start listening to ourselves more.

What are some other ways that belong on this list?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Talk less, smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.

Possibly the worst advice I’ve ever heard. I watched Hamilton not too long ago and I’m completely utterly obsessed. It’s been the only thing I’ve been thinking about for DAYS now. I mean I started listening to the soundtrack months before I decided to watch it. I just figured it wasn’t my type of musical. Despite 2021 seems to be my year of historical fiction.

That moment when you realize you’re probably Alexander Hamilton in this musical. Minus the advice he gave his kid. I refuse to watch that entire scene ever again. Mf I was sobbing and I never cry at movies.

It’s a pet peeve of mine to come across people who don’t stand for anything. Not just that, but have the audacity to stop someone else from standing what they believe in. I don’t need anyone to fight my battles, never have and never will. But also, don’t stand in my way. If you don’t agree with me, cool. Sit ya ass down. My ex husband (when he was still my bf) hated that I was pro-gay up until we divorced. He literally thought that children who are AROUND gays would turn gay themselves. I remember buying a shirt when I was 19 that said “I you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry one” and he thought it was “stupid”. He hated that I was passionate about animal rights. He hated that I wasn’t a fan of eating meat either. And don’t even get me started on how “stupid” he thought being vocal about mental health was. Or how he was convinced I was “making up” OCD and anxiety because “that shit isn’t real” DESPITE that I went to therapy for 8 years. That he would come with me to. WEEKLY. But you know, yeah, I’m def making this shit up. Mf, what.

It was his theory that if you stayed quiet, no one would have anything against you. Spoiler alert: if a mf wants to hate on you, they will.

I think I’ll talk more and smile less. I think I’ll let them know what I’m for and against so there isn’t a chance for miscommunication. Is it possible to manifest staying true to yourself?

Btw, Aaron Burr annoys me lol.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Hey guys!

I know this post is going up late but at least it’s going up today lol!

Last week/end was a bit challenging; where one part of my life did amazing, it wasn’t without some kind of drama. Which is fine, sisters fight or disagree. It’s what they do. But the drama was escalated a little further than that. Which I wasn’t expecting. But that’s all I’m going to say about that. I’m not going to let anything distract me from something I worked hard for, the universe likes to throw curve balls.

I have some super exciting things going into production for my shop this week. My husband also drew a few ghost Pokemon’s for me to use since I was flipping my shit over how much I was struggling with them. One of them is going to be my Ko-Fi option for October as a keychain! There’s also an option for a sticker instead or both! I was hoping to launch it for Sept but I haven’t come up with a theme sooo, yeah, that shipped sailed lol.

This week I’m also planning my Disney Halloween trip! I’m super excited for this and I’ll be trying both Halloween snacks as well as Food & Wine eats! I’m also going to be seeing some friends I missed on my last trip that I’m absolutely looking forward to seeing — and a brand new cutie who’s due this week!

This week I want to manifest;

The reminder that even if something else in your life is sinking, it doesn’t mean everything else sucks. Not at all. The ability to be able to choose what I want to invest my energy in, foreal this time and do exactly that.

… and the ability to post reguarly here again!

Wishing you all a safe and productive week ahead!