Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s so cold today and it’s gloomy and raining. But so far I haven’t seen any lightning or heard any thunder and I LIVE for that on rainy days. Maybe later. Or tomorrow. Who knows, it’s Texas after all. I’ve been trying to get Sophie to stay out of the office this morning and Tums keeps wedging herself between us saying “no, no!” she’s so protective over her fur-sister it’s insane. Insanely adorable.

I finally got my Sage in last week. Thank goodness. It’s crazy how something like that could change your entire night time routine and your mental health. I need to be better at keeping Sage around. I still need to work on cleaning, sorting and organizing the office and some of the living room. I just don’t know where I want things to go just yet. And I also need to find a dish or something for my crystals.

It totally slipped my mind that Halloween is this week. I feel like I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy October yet! There’s no pumpkin patch photos or anything with us this year and I’m trying not to be disappointed. The most I can do is be better at prepping for Christmas. Even if Halloween is my favorite, there’s always next year…

I have a few exciting projects I can’t wait to get started on; both will be pushing my creative boundaries which I haven’t done in SUCH a long time. One will be using my love for candles and wax melts as well as incorporating scents into memories and the other will be using the culinary skills I learned almost 20 years ago that I should had been using this whole time. That part is gonna be the harder one.

November is also NaNoWriMo and I’ve written the beginning of the book I’ll be working on this year. It’s not another retelling, it’s not fairy tales and it’s not really YA either. It’s more like something I feel like I have to write about and I have to get out of my system.

I’m big on starting heavy projects and being all excited about them and suddenly just stopping randomly because I get discouraged. The only thing I so far haven’t quit on is blogging and photography. I’m trying to be better at not quitting before I start and not getting discouraged so easily.

Luckily the longer I take my Zoloft (I’m on a much lower dose than I was on the first time 5 years ago) the more I can feel my brain fog lifted. The more I can feel my creativity coming back and wanting to be used. And it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt like that. Now if only I can get my financial shit in order I’d be so set.

This week I want to manifest and remind myself that I’m capable of all the things I dream of doing and accomplishing.

What’s something you’re looking to manifest this week?

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

Me and my bro have been really close since day 1. He’s the first dude to stand up for me in the drop of a hat. Don’t matter if I’m wrong or right, he’s got my back, period. And in all the years I’ve known him, he’s always been there for me. Period. Also probably one of the only Pisces I get along with. We both have a tendency to move around a lot so we haven’t seen each other since… 2007 I wanna say? But conversations with him always feel like a recharge to my soul.

There are moments, days, weeks where my closest friends will do something or say something to remind me how much they truly love and care for me. How absolutely unconditional it is and always has been. And I know I tend to forget that sometimes. I never forget that I’m never ever alone but sometimes I do tend to forget that there are a lot of people who would miss me if I were gone.

Stay close to those who makes you feel like you’re easy to love

Because no one should ever be around energy and around people who make you feel like you’re worthless and not worthy of transparency, love and support. I have found myself in those places one too many times and every time it’s taken a toll on my mental, spiritual, emotional and even my physical health and that’s not okay.

This week I’ll remind myself that no matter where I think I am in life, no matter how behind I personally feel I am, that there are people in this world that still think I’m worthy of everything I dream about. That there are people who know my past, who have lived it WITH ME that never factor it into anything negative. Would never use it as a way to say I’m a bad mom. That there are people who KNOW how much I hated kids and are happy to see how my daughter makes me light up. And that my friends love her just as fiercely as I do.

Wishing you all a good week!

OCD & Me

I use to have a blog on Xanga called “OCD & Me” and when I was trying to navigate through this insane world that was my new normal; I’d write in there. A lot of it had to do with how my OCD bumped heads with my dad’s. But I wish that blog was still around.

It started when my ex brother in law stepped on the bed I had just took a nap on with his shoes on, not just that but he stepped all over the pillow with his shoes on. My ex brother in law had zero respect for anything or anyone for that matter so this wasn’t like, some off the way action but to witness it on a pillow you just slept on? Yeah, fuckin gross. That was the first night I went home and took a shower before I got in my own bed. And from there it just snowballed.

In 2004 there wasn’t much info on OCD, at all. There wasn’t much my therapist could tell me when I finally got help 2 years later either. The theory was that it could had been caused by a traumatic event; I had just gotten out of a fuckin crazy abusive relationship without actually facing/healing from it because I just didn’t know how so it made sense in a way. Small things started to bother me. The idea that something was “dirty” was becoming stronger and harder to make sense of.

I honestly thought OCD and people who crazy cleaned and saw things were drug addicts so I was so sure I wasn’t going through that. I was a 90’s kid, ok? All that DARE shit had people doing that shit which is really unfair. I spent hours and days researching as much as I could about what was happening to me because I literally had no idea what was going on. I don’t know why I didn’t just ask my mom who was a psych tech nurse. My ex husband (who was my bf at the time) will tell you that “if she had never looked it up it would had never been as bad as it got.” he would tell me that finding the things I did about it “solidified” that it was “a real thing”.

If there’s one solid thing my OCD has done for me it’s show how people really think and feel about you because of something you have zero control over. Which is crazy; people are so understanding about Cancer which can also go unseen but mental illness? Nah, they think that shit isn’t real or serious. I don’t get it but it’s a never ending fuckin pattern in my life.

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It’s OCD Awareness Week

It’s OCD Awareness Week

And ya’ll bout to be SICK of me by the time I’m done writing about OCD. I’ll try to be as transparent as I can be; but some of the things that happened when OCD started to creep into my life are things I haven’t fully faced yet. And from seeing signs of OCD when I was 19 to finally seeking help at 21 to 8 years of therapy just to accept meds at 29 to today is a lonnnng ride.

I guess I should start with the basics.

What is OCD?

OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is what it says it is. It’s an anxiety disorder that makes the person do things compulsively. They either do it because they think “something bad will happen if they don’t” or because they’re just compelled to. Your mind goes into this never ending loop. But OCD is not just “being clean/constantly cleaning” there’s a bunch of different types of OCD and they change and flow constantly.

I suffer from germaphobia and intrusive thoughts as well as hoarding. My dad struggled with certain types of paranoia and hardcore checking. He would often get up from sleeping just to unlock the front door, open it and lock it again. And make sure he locked it. He would do the same with lights. It drove me fuckin madd. But my OCD tendencies would drive him crazy and he refused to believe either of us had OCD. It was so freakin weird. My mom doesn’t have cleaning the way I do, but she does have “cleaning”. And she definitely has hoarding. Like something freakin fierce.

Credit to OCDdoodles on Twitter

According to Google OCD is described as;

Obsessivecompulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder in which a person feels the need to perform certain routines repeatedly (called “compulsions“), or has certain thoughts repeatedly (called “obsessions“), to an extent which generates distress or impairs general functioning.

There are 5 types of OCD:

  • Checking
  • Contamination
  • Symmetry & Ordering
  • Intrusive Thoughts
  • Hoarding

The worst part is, one person can have one of these types or all five. These types can change and drop and pick up. But usually there’s one steady type that stays the same. The scariest thing to know is that while this illness can be “treated” it can’t be cured. People can work through their OCD with a lot of hard work, anxiety attacks and self control. But this condition can’t be cured by drugs. And even on medication, it’s not completely gone, just easier to manage.

The difference between OCD and “just wanting to be clean or organized” is that those with OCD sometimes do their compulsions without even knowing it. There have been many times where I’ve done or said something OCD before even thinking of saying/doing it. It’s something that is on my mind 24/7. There are times your OCD will tell you you didn’t clean or do something “well enough” or that because of your OCD you’re a burden to everyone around you. And then there are times you get hit with random anxiety attacks and sometimes it just feels like way too much.

I’ll admit that the majority of my suicidal moments in the last 10 years have to do with OCD and the things it tells me.

And that feeds into my anxiety which feeds into my OCD and it’s this never ending fuckin cycle. And if you don’t know how to cope you’re in for a whirlwind of very intense emotions that can last anywhere from minutes to hours. When my anxiety attacks started it usually ended with me crying. Now a days I HAVE to go to sleep because I’m just so spent. So I do whatever I can to stay away from triggers and to prevent anything from “messing up”.

I’m going to try and spend this week talking about my experience, the ways I’ve learned to cope and all the things I’ve lost since being diagnosed with OCD. And I’m hope by the end of the week you’ll have a better understanding of what it all is.

Whew, I can feel the migraines now lol.

3 Zen Things I Added To My Room

I’m not sure if my room now is bigger or smaller than my previous — I’m gonna go with smaller simply because there isn’t room in here for a play pen or a jumper like there was in the last. Yet the last room had an open closet concept so there was that whereas this new room has the closet on the other side of the bathroom. Which imo is kind of awkward. And a bitch to vacuum cause then I gotta carry it OVER the hardwood floor and it’s just a big thing. But the closet is freakin huge.

I’ve always wanted to zen out my room and over the years I’ve tried. But nothing really clicked with me or the ideas I had didn’t turn out exactly as I had imagined them and I got discouraged. But this time I was SUPER determined, especially considering Tums now has her own room/space so she doesn’t need to crowd up mine! She still co-sleeps cause at this point there just is no turning back from that.

I spotted this floor light at Target and fell in love with it; I love how it has shelving underneath. I just wish it had more shelving. But I knew I wanted a floor lamp after the bedroom light in the last apartment blew out and we were without a bedroom light for months other than fairy lights. Plus I haven’t had a floor light since the movers lost mine on the way to Texas from Florida back in 2017. This floor light is what inspired me to think of other elements that would create a more zen feel in my bedroom.

I also knew I wanted to get a smaller salt lamp. I have others from my mom that are a bit bigger. This one just has a color changing bulb inside which is why it looks blue. You can’t set it to one color or turn off the color changing aspect which kinda blows. But it fits perfect on that shelf.

I spotted this new line of “luxury” products in the bedding section at Target. They had candles, these, throws, sleeping masks a whole line of cozy stuff! I opted for the diffusers (even though I literally don’t get how they work) and 2 room sprays. I kind of wish I had gotten Tranquility in a room spray. I’m trying to stay away from getting more candles atm. As luxury as this line looks, it wasn’t expensive. The sprays were $10 which is still cheaper than Bath & Body Works and I think the diffusers were the same price. As well as the candles.

I ended up moving the diffusers to the bathroom where they seem to fit more for, just wish the scent throw was stronger. And in its place I put a wax melt warmer. I have yet to snap a pic of the new set up.

I haven’t done much with the second shelf just yet. It has my bowl of earrings but that’s about all. I had some décor to put on the TV whenever I get it back from my husband — if I do. His big screen somehow broke in the move. Idk man. I really don’t. So now he’s using my TV in the living room. Which I said was fine for now since me and Tums don’t spend all day in the room like we use to.

I tried getting the night stand that matched my headboard but they were sold out. So either I wait for it to come back in stock or I find a different one. The only problem is how am I going to match it based on a picture online? I mean, granted THIS ONE literally doesn’t match ANYTHING in this room but you know. I’m being picky.

I finally put up the wireless charger I’ve had since I got home from giving birth. Yeah I know. And I freakin love it! You can’t tell but it’s rose gold on the sides. I got it on Amazon here if you’re interested. I also got an Alexa Echo Show which I didn’t know was a thing and it was on sale when I spotted it! So yay, even better! I wanted the Echo Dot that had the screen on it but I guess that was like an older version of this one. And this one was cheaper. It’s exactly what I wanted; Alexa with a screen to show me the time and weather. The husband uses it as an alarm clock and you know, it has all the usual Alexa features.

My dad actually gave me the Echo Dot I have that currently lives in the living room/kitchen. And we’ve been obsessed with it! We use it for almost everything. I use it for music alllllll the time and I just discovered you can install “skills”. So I have a bunch of Tagalog ones on mine!

I’m trying to figure out how I want to set up the dresser. It has a few things on it but I feel like they don’t really go. So I’m gonna redo it. Maybe when I get the TV back and I get a better idea of how much space I have.

So far I’m really happy with how my room is coming together. I just have to keep working at it and not get discouraged if I can’t figure anything out. I’m really trying to avoid falling into my usual discouraged hole!

Do you have any objects in your room that gives you a sense of Zen?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s moving week.

I move every year. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing I do. A thing I’m use to. The one obvious proof I clearly have commitment issues. I have moved every year since 2011; that’s almost 10 years of moving and I’ve never renewed a lease. There’s too many other places and areas to discover! I don’t do well with staying in one place for too long.

You’d think with knowing this I’d be PRO at packing and unpacking right? Hell no. Not even close. I feel like every year I have even MORE stuff than the last time I had to pack/move. I guess now that I have a toddler that doesn’t really make anything better either. And even worse is we haven’t even started packing yet. I don’t know what is going on but I’m definitely disappointed in myself.

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Sage & Chill: 5 Reasons You Should Sage Cleanse

It took me forever to catch this but I’m so glad I did.

My cousin has been bugging me to Sage Cleanse for maybe a year or two now. Ever since he started doing it. In March my BFF sent me Sage along with my Disney snack “because we both need good vibes after 2019,” I finally gave it a try about a month (or less) ago. And I’ve been obsessed since. Honestly, the first time I did a whole apartment Sage Cleanse I got really sleepy and hungry. My cousin was like “yeah girl, that’s all those bad vibes getting the hell out.”

Since then I picked up this one with Lavender from Etsy, and honestly, I’m almost done. It’s been so fun watching the fire ignite even more when you blow on it because of the dried Lavender. Wouldn’t recommend if you have a problem seeing holes; I don’t remember what it was called. I’ve noticed that when I do Sage I don’t get these mini anxiety attacks I usually get in my nightly bath. I’m usually more relaxed then I’ve been in a very long while. And I sleep better. I also like the smell of Sage… it’s kind of comforting.

I don’t know why I took so long to try Sage Cleansing, but I really wish I had started sooner.

5 Reasons Why You Should Sage Cleanse;

Continue reading “Sage & Chill: 5 Reasons You Should Sage Cleanse”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m drafting this post a little later than usual; this weekend was hectic. And I’m just tired, like in my soul. Not to mention whoever said period cramps go away after childbirth LIED. I feel like the pain has been getting worse and worse every month. I’ve been really into Sage cleansing, so much that the Lavender Smudge Stick I just got is almost done. Just wish it didn’t shed so much!

This week I want to focus on the things I can control.

I’m such a huge believer in the law of attraction, it’s just lately my mind has been cloudy and distracted. I have a set of things I’d like to manifest and make happen within the next year or so; one being finishing my BA studies (just one dinky year left) and another is growing this blog. I get so caught up between this one and hazearella and I get things mixed up but I need to set a solid posting topic for them both and stick to it.

I created this blog to brain dump my mental health posts, I didn’t feel it belonged on hazearella since the theme has always been pink and girly things. I found myself reviewing things more there and talking less and less about my life. I’ve tried to change that a few times but it’s hard when stick yourself in a box. It does seem that my posts about Texas do well there ironically?! Whereas here I was free to talk about gaming, Funko Pops (even though I haven’t yet), Disney, books, anime and my own demons.

It’s National Suicide Prevention Month and when I first started this blog I did a whole series dedicated to the hobbies I throw myself into when I’m trapped in a depression spiral. I’ve thought of redoing the series, so maybe this year I’ll do just that!

So here’s my public throwing-this-out-in-the-universe notice that this week I’ll focus more on the things I want to manifest than the things I haven’t gotten done yet.

Wish me luck, this is going to be a challenge!

What is something you want to manifest this week or month?

National Suicide Prevention Week

I’ve always been pretty vocal when it came to National Suicide Prevention Week. Or The Lines Project. I worked on To Write Love On Her Arms street team for years long before I even moved to Florida.

Suicide in the recent years have become more of a public issue than it ever was. Claiming the lives of Robin Williams and Chester from Linkin Park. And yet people still refuse to change the conversation or even have the conversation. And as long as their a stigma to it, the problem will never be solved.

I was 13 when I leaned my head back against the wall during lunch with my two best friends at the time; Amanda and Raven. I blurted out “sometimes I just want to die.” Raven thought that was a weird thing to say and Amanda just slightly nodded. I was always painted the fuck up in the family. It didn’t matter what I did, said or tried to fix things. There was always something that made someone mad. There was always something that made someone feel to compelled to tell me, a small child, that I wasn’t smart enough. That I wasn’t going to make it. That I was a failure. And so I kept those word burned in my ears for a very very long time. I slept in class frequently in middle school and high school. I just didn’t care.

What was there to care about when everyone thought you were a fuck up anyway?

Continue reading “National Suicide Prevention Week”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I stumbled on this quote on Pinterest last week. I’m not sure if this is actually something I can manifest but it’s something I can definitely consider. Well I guess I could manifest it too.

I use to be a pretty open book; I don’t add people to my FB unless I know them or know I can trust them. When I added my in laws my mom told me to either delete them or to stop talking about my mental health. She was afraid they’d think I was crazy. I told her not to worry and they don’t judge like that. Not to mention one of my husband’s sisters works in mental health.

What I didn’t know was that they were pretty selective lurkers. It seems like they’d catch a gist of my post but now the whole thing. So in January when his mom and sisters targeted me, his adopted sister in law and his adopted brother in law, his bio sister who works in mental health and his mom had a lot to say about my mental health. Saying I was full of shit and I was crazy and basically everything my mom warned me about.

Granted this is the second time in laws have done this to me.

Don’t you just hate when your mom is right?!

But there are so many of my friends that message me thanking me for being so honest and transparent about the things I struggle with because it helps them feel less alone. Because it helped them sort out their own feelings about a similar situation. And I end most of these posts on a positive note.

Ever since I was diagnosed with OCD, depression and mild anxiety I wanted to change the conversation. I hated how my ex husband thought I was “making it up”. I hated how hard it was to find info on OCD and anxiety back then (think the days before Google). I read every article I could find, every book. To try and understand why this was happening to me. If it was cureable. If it would ever go away.

How could your brain just break and how do you unbreak it?

I didn’t like how alone I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone. Anxiety is already a very unkind friend living in your head. Just be fuckin kind to other people. I’m pretty sensitive when someone attacks me because of my anxiety. And I’m most likely going to cut them off forever because they are literally not my type of my people and definitely not my audience.

Because of this I have scaled back on posting on FB at all. I don’t even know the last time I posted a picture of the kiddo. And tbh, that’s unfair to my mom.

So I could remind myself that writing about what hurts helps people.

And all I ever want to do is make people feel less alone. Less misunderstood. It’s just so hard to write when I’m constantly wondering if they’re lurking my stuff for more shit to talk about me. And yes, it shouldn’t matter. But it makes me so uncomfortable.

Last time this happened it was the final straw that made us consider a divorce, it got so bad I tried filing for a restraining order against my then mother in law and sister in law.

But this is something I struggle with every day and it fuckin sucks.