Monday Mindful Manifestation

This week’s intention;

I don’t feel not enough as much as I use to, I still feel like I don’t do enough but I myself feel enough for me, anyway. I need to remind myself that everything on my to do list doesn’t have to all be crossed off. That’s what tomorrow is for. Or later. As long as I get as much done today, that is enough.

The kiddo’s toys is taking up lots of space, granted this is her room. Well half and half my office but it’s hard to literally split things like this in half. She does try her best to keep her side tidy when I ask her to, and really what more can you ask of a 2 year old lo. But this room does need some organizing, for sure.

I honestly can’t believe how fast January is already, we’re mid month at this point and I’m super excited for the changes ahead!

What’s something you want to manifest this week?

Rebrand for 2021

If you haven’t noticed I changed the blog name; I’ve been wanting to for about a year now ever since my husband’s sisters stalked my Twitter. I’ve changed the name a few times but I honestly couldn’t think of something to settle into.

I know I wanted to convert this space to the two things that mean the world to me: Disney and words.

I somehow fell back into book blogging and I forgot how much I truly missed it. It always feels like being part of something bigger than yourself. Having all these worlds to fall into and live in for 300 pages at your fingertips. And ironically I’m finding that a subject I’ve always wanted to get into but never did is now something I look for: Historical Fiction. Time travel and paraell universe reads have always been a weakness but I’ve never read an entirely just Historically Fiction book until this year. And I feel like I’ve been missing out!

I know Disneyland still has no plans to re-open any time soon and that my love and my home Disney World IS open. I’m hoping to be able to get there some time this year so I can start posting Disney content; until then I guess it’s just other types of Disney content!

I hope this new name gives me a new start that I’m hoping for and encourages me to stop censoring myself.

#onelittleword 2020

Every year for the last 6 years I’ve done #OneLittleWord; unfortunately the graphic program I used to make my previous ones has decided to just… disappear. I knew the day would come lol. So this year I created my own graphic.

I don’t know how I feel about it. But here it is.

My #OneLittleWord for 2021 is Courage.

Courage; to do the things I’ve recently been aware I’m re-afraid to do. Courage; to convince myself the lies my mind, my anxiety and my OCD tell me are false. Courage; to heal properly, even if getting there will hurt like hell. Courage; to see my friends and family again. Courage; to BE better cause Tums deserves the very best side of me.

The courage to finish writing a book. The courage to really go in on blogging and content creating. The courage to go back to school and finish my final year and get my BA in Communications, how much of a game changer that will be. The courage to stand up for myself, knowing I’m standing alone. The courage to remind myself of who I am because how can my oldest friends know and I sit here and act like I don’t?

I spent 2019 in the dark and I spent 2020 in a hazy fog. I’m finally feeling myself reach the less foggy area’s of the things that have recently happened. But even when I’m in the clear, the fight isn’t over. The fight is never over, it just changes. And that’s fine. My life would be boring if I never had to fight something.

My boundaries and my roots are incredibly important to me, and I will make that loud and clear in 2021. And this time no one is going to stand in my damn way.

Things I’m Leaving in 2020

Things I’m Leaving in 2020

2020 has showed us a lot of things about ourselves, our surroundings, our company we keep and about society. There are a lot of things I still carry around with me that I shouldn’t. That I don’t need to. Pain is hard to cope with. Loss is even harder. I’m the type to cling on to the darkness because the light just means what goes up must come down. And you can’t go down if you’re already there.

But I also need to remember; I’m not some broken teenager with a notebook full of secrets. I’m not that girl who constantly wished for someone to notice her and love her just as she is. I’m not searching for someone to fill a void in my life anymore.

Cause I love myself more than anyone could ever love me. Except maybe my mom and my daughter and my cat. I learned that I don’t need some dude to make me feel my worth because I know my worth. And at times I tend to forget. 2020 made the heavy things even heavier, and I’m tired of carrying it all around with me.

I’m not one to actually fully heal from anything. I kind of just store it away and pull it out from time to time. So I’m not entirely sure I’m capable of healing. But hey, there’s a first time for everything, right?

I have a tendency to ask my friends whenever it seems like they’re stuck at a fork in the road: if this was your life one year from today, would you be happy?

My bro has a habit of throwing the same question at me sometimes: but what do YOU want?

Continue reading “Things I’m Leaving in 2020”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

I don’t have a quote or anything for this week’s MMM, it’s just something that I was talking about with a friend. But it’s also something that’s been reoccurring here on my blog since I started MMM.

I want to manifest the ability to not be upset about comments about me that I know aren’t true.

I don’t know if it’s just the weather, the season, the depression… but my emotions have been heavy and harder to manage even with medication. I wish there was some magic way to gracefully ignore the things people say to and about you if you KNOW it’s not at all true. But I tend to feel and get in my feelings way too much. So things hurt longer and harder than they probably should.

I know I won’t achieve this in a week or even in a month. I’ve never really been too good at ignoring or letting go of certain things (my mom and bro-ko love to remind me I need to) but it is something I want to learn or control better.

I KNOW who I am, and things like this just make me feel like I don’t. It’s such a conflicting thing, for sure. But hopefully I can make moves, no matter how small, to get closer to this goal.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Monday Mindful Manifestation

There’s nothing more discouraging than the holidays and seeing your blog stats drop.

I mean, I’m sure there are more discouraging events that are far worse but for me, in this moment, I’m struggling.

I have a serious love/hate relationship with Winter days and nights. I’ve always had pretty good memories of winter living at my mom’s house. It’s like the whole place was transformed into something cozy and filled with whatever that warm fuzzy holiday family feeling was. Lit candles, snacks and tree lights. But Christmas has never really been my favorite holiday. I’ve always preferred December to Christmas. I try to recreate the atmosphere my mom effortlessly did every single year, but I always feel like I fall short.

I also get seasonal depression, even with the warm fuzzy family feelings. And I never knew why or how. I mean I spent a lot of my child and teen hood battling depression but it got so much worse in the winter. It’s easier to manage now, and more annoying than anything when it comes back.

When it comes to blogging, there’s a ton of factors when things don’t work out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my content, my marketing, and find time through out the day to get everything I need to get done.

This week I want to manifest the reminder of my 3 year plan. The reminder that I’m capable of accomplishing anything I set my heart on. I’ve proved it to myself so many times through out the years. I CAN do this, I just have to WANT to. I need to remember to let go of petty small distractions; including my own thoughts. We’re creeping up to the last month of 2020; let’s see what I can accomplish in the next 31 days if I 100% put my mind to it!

What is something you’d like to manifest for yourself this week?

Self Care | Coloring Books

Self Care | Coloring Books

I honestly don’t remember how or why I came across adult coloring books but I thought they were such a cool idea; esp since I had still been buying Disney ones from work. I read it was suppose to serve as a type of meditation. It was 2015 and I was in a stressful place. So I used the coloring books as my moment of silence. I invested in colored pencils, pens and paint. I’d spread it all out on the floor and just do whatever I felt like doing. And it was so theraputic.

When I moved to Texas I started up again for awhile, I always mean to finish my books but sometimes it just feels like so much work — I get obsessed with the idea of completing things but I rarely ever do. I’ll finish this book some day!

I recently got a new iPad to learn how to draw with Procreate. But I ended up downloading a bunch of coloring books and trying them all out. The one I settled with is called Pigment. They have “books” by various artists. They host challenges and there’s an awesome sense of community there. I honestly wasn’t interested in getting follows and likes, I’m just there to color when I can’t sleep or to get my mind off things. And browsing other peoples versions of the same page; that part is always interesting!

I love doing blends and textures and shading. I’m still learning as I go but the options they give you on this app to create texture is really fun to play with. The girl with the arrow on the right was my first grayscale I colored. It was super hard but trying to make the elements around her look realistic was fun to play with.

Also shading the ice cream bowl and the milkshake cup on the left came out better than I expected. The whole page did actually! My husband didn’t like the cloud page; he didn’t understand why I colored “outside of the lines”. I think that’s the fun part about anything creative: it’s subjective. There is no right or wrong answer.

I’m still trying to find hobbies that calm me. I found watching a show while coloring in bed helps. I don’t the luxury of always being able to do this though, which kinda sucks.

I watched a few more episodes of Emily in Paris and I was mass live messaging a former co-worker who’s from Paris since he finished the series so far. Sorry Cyril, I had a lot to say lmao. I also started the second season of Great Greek Myths, hate you had to pay for the last few episodes of the first season. But I’m finding the more I watch this… the more and more Athena and Aphrodite are my least favorite. Athena has got some weird problems man. Also, I’m finding I was wrong about Paris of Troy, and I’m mad about it cause I still think he’s a big ass bitch. And of course nothing beats binge watching FRIENDS when you’re having a sick day.

I also finally finished the Shades of Kawaii book!

I’m having a lot of fun testing my creativity while still actively meditating in the process. I have to admit, there are a few nights I may have sleep colored a page cause there’s a few I really do not remember completing lol.

I had my sights set on an anime coloring book next but the second page had me stumped and I’ve deleted my progress at least 3 times. Maybe I’ll come back to it, who knows.

Have you tried adult coloring books?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s getting closer and closer to the end of the year; which means shorter days. Chaos. ALL THE GIFT WRAPPING. And if you live away from home, trying to figure out when to hit the post office before everyone else plans to.

The last 2 weeks have been a bust on so many blog/reading/cleaning plans. Readjusting to medication always sucks and there’s always something new that happens it seems. I don’t remember the first time I went through this anything like this. Then again I didn’t have an active toddler to watch last time and had the luxury of sleeping all day. If that’s what I wanted.

I am however 98% done with my Christmas shopping; I just need to wrap, address, stick in a box and SHIP. But even I think it’s a bit too early to ship. Maybe this weekend, since it’ll be closer to Thanksgiving and I know that’s when most Filipino’s put up their Christmas tree’s. Speaking of Thanksgiving I still haven’t found a dessert I want to make! Bubba got me a kitchenaid (FINALLY) and now I can bake ALL THE THINGS I WANT but now it’s like my mind went blank and I don’t know what to do. Something similar happened when a friend of mine got me Photoshop 7.0 back in the day. I sat there with an empty new document for what felt like DAYS. My ex husband would stare at me like “your mind is just exploding isn’t it?” and I’d just sit there staring at my screen whimpering lol.

I have a few fun things bookmarked but nothing that really screams Thanksgiving.

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

Remember to rest.

Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time resting. Even though I don’t sleep through the night and I refuse to take naps. I almost feel guilty taking naps. Like there’s so much to do/get done that I can’t nap. And whatever, that’s fine. But I do need to remind myself to rest. Be it setting aside some time to just read. Or color in a coloring book. Or binge watching a show I’ve already seen. Whatever my definition of “doing nothing” means, I need to make more time to do just that.

And with the holidays coming it would be best to remember that now before the crazy starts.

Hope you all had a good weekend and have a good week!

Word Vomit | Mental Health Update

Why does it have to be so hard to find a mental health resource?! Since the last update I finally managed to find a psychiatrist (cause those are the ones who give you meds) but not from the list provided to me from my insurance company. I actually had to find one via Psychology Today’s website. Yes, like the magazine. So thank goodness for that but at the same time… what in the actual FUCK?! Why would my insurance company send me on this never ending run around?!

Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com

As you can see, the last week on this blog has been pretty quiet. Same with Twitter. I’ve just been struggling with my mental health and with being tired and with awful headaches/migraines. November is always pretty stressful and crammed for me but it’s harder to get these things done with a clingy toddler to watch at the same time. I have due dates for things and I have no idea how I’m going to get them done.

Speaking of; the decrease in my meds has been really messing me up, big time. Since my OBGYN said she couldn’t give me refills anymore for my Zoloft I’ve had to decrease from 150mg to 100mg to prevent going without for as long as I can. But because of this my mental clarity is starting to fog back up, I can’t remember words again, my excitement and inspiration is gone. And I’m just so sad. I feel like I’m on the brink of a sloppy sob fest any fuckin minute now.

I’m honestly so sick of being incapable of doing the things that use to be so simple to me pre-pregnancy.

/edit

I had my psych appointment and it went super well. Do I recommend tele-webcam-health? Not really. Connection issues can really mess up the flow of the conversation. I would had much rather had a telephone appt. But I did get the help I needed and I am on the waitlist for an actual therapist as well. So. Progress, yay.

Continue reading “Word Vomit | Mental Health Update”

Word Vomit | Finding a Therapist…. again

Just a brief back story;

About a year ago my mother in law attacked me on Facebook saying I was a bad mom cause I had dreams and mother’s shouldn’t have dreams; she should either give up her dreams or give up her child. This COMPLETELY came as a surprise to me considering she had been so supportive prior to this. I was dealing with trying to cope with postpartum depression and the loss of my dad. My husband spent years stressing that his family will always accept you but once again my gut was screaming “told you so,” for trusting any of that mess. She went on to attack my 2 close friends who were defending me, respectfully by cussing them out. Yes, this grown ass adult woman was opening saying “fuck you” to 20 year old’s who didn’t even dare to cuss at her back. And tbh, that said a lot about my mother in law’s character. I realized A LOT that day.

My depression spiraled beyond me trying to even both controlling it anymore that day. I was just so tired of fighting it. No one cared anyway. Everyone apparently had something shitty to say about “my behavior”. I’m so lucky that the real support system I have, and have had for the last 20+ years are always there when I need them, no matter how near or far. It was the first time I ever let my PPD get away with thoughts of hurting my child. It was the first time I thought if I got rid of her, everyone could just leave me the hell alone.

And that was unfair to her. My child was there for me when I lost my dad. When I didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day and cry. She would squeeze my hand and make me laugh. I’m just so freakin sick of people who refuse to get to know me and have the audacity to drag who I am. And this is why I didn’t want to get married again. I didn’t want to deal with shitty in laws again. I already went through a whole freakin decade of that shit, I refuse to waste any more time with it.

My spiral got really bad and I felt like the little progress I made to heal was just undone in that one day. So I called an OBGYN and requested to be evaluated for Postpartum Depression.

Continue reading “Word Vomit | Finding a Therapist…. again”