Happy Easter

I typically celebrate Easter as my “self holiday” since I love stocking up on Easter snacks. But I feel like there really werent that much this year to choose from! I def had a struggle putting a basket together for Tums.

I also put together a basket for B.

B had given us our Easter baskets early; mine is on the left and Tums is on the right. The Cotton Candy in mine is “Blueberry Waffle” and omg it’s amazing. It legit tastes like waffles!

Luckily Tums is too little to understand and all she knows is she just got more candy just for her. We didn’t get big baskets this year because if you can see the sort of hint in the back — we have a big trip coming up! And I’m super duper excited. Still struggling with depression over here but trust me, inside I’m screaming from excitement. I just… need to pack. Which I’m always bad with.

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

I don’t have a quote or any idea what I want to manifest this week. But as I write this, Tums is behind me with her blocks learning how to count on her own. The things this girl does when you just sit and watch her amazes me. She’s so dang smart.

I lied, I just came across this quote in friend Logan’s blog post. Fun fact I started following him on LiveJournal in like 2004? 2005? And I’ve been reading his blog ever since.

This is something I truly believe in; my ex use to be one of those people who felt like because of his upbringing the world owed him something. He spent years angry and waiting for things to fall in his lap. And when I’d suggest doing something about it all he did was point out how hindered he was. But if there’s anything I learned from him it’s that people will go after what they want, period. He always felt like I had a bigger advantage because I had a car. Because I came from money even though I worked just as much if not more than him. I had my own bills to pay. I was THISCLOSE to enlisting into the Army because my mom refused to pay for my college.

My biggest dream was to work at Disney. I held on to this dream for years. I had no idea how or when, I just knew someday I’d get there. And I did. And it wasn’t because I had a car or came from money, none of that played any part in how I got a job at Disney.

I’ve believed in manifestation my whole life — if I just stayed on track. If I just kept working towards whatever goal it was — big or small — I could make it happen.

Working at Disney was one of the best things to ever happen to me.

I went in as this shy, insecure, quiet girl who had big dreams but a small voice. I struggled to make female friends in CA because bitches are haters. And I left that job being a girl with big dreams and a big voice. I’m 0% shy. I got comfortable with speaking in front of 80 people every 12 minutes willing an animatronic ant to start a show. I made friends all around the world I still talk to that loved me for who I am, no matter what kind of day I was having.

I lost my bestest friend and my husband in the process, but tbh I feel like the truth of if we belonged together or not was hanging in the balance way before we left for Disney.

People will always be who they are.

It’s up to you to listen and what you’re gonna with that.

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

My doctor put me on a second anti anxiety/sleeping aid and it works a little like Xanax but not as strong. It’s been making me chill tf out the last few days, that’s for sure. The adjustment isn’t horrible like it was with Zoloft but it’s still a bit of a struggle. Having to just deal and still be the best mom is hard some mornings. I had the first Sunday in months where I felt find enough to send Tums and B to his mom’s house like I use to so I could get some sleep and catch up on some work. I’ve been a lot more hungry lately which is a good thing, it’s been awhile since I’ve actually felt hungry.

Self Care is super important, but in the world like this where our new reality is constantly changing, it’s hard to keep up with even sleep let alone self care! But if you’re anything like me, you know the feeling of burn out by putting yourself last. The only quiet time during the day I get is when I’m cleaning the rooms and taking a shower. I don’t even take bubble baths anymore, and they’re my favorite! I should start again but I always feel like I don’t have time anymore.

Things I want to start this week as self care;

➔ Play more relaxing music

I just rediscovered some songs on an old Spotify playlist I made years ago. I forgot how much I loved some of these songs. They definitely take me back to the days I worked at Disney and my busy life back then, which you all know I miss. But listening to relaxing music really has a way of changing your whole vibe.

➔ Cleaning my space

This means going through and getting rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. I managed to do this a bit in the living room the other day and it felt so good! Now imagine if I did that for a whole room. A whole apartment?! Okay, I’m going to slow it down a bit. Baby steps. But truly, clean your space, clean your mind. At least, I’m really hoping how this is going to work.

This also includes replacing light bulbs. Had to throw that self reminder out there for myself. Cause honestly, I know how stubborn I can get. I irritate myself all the time with it. Like yo, these bulbs need to be changed!

I also want to go back to melting a wax melt before bed/at bed time. I associate a lot of feelings and memories with song and scent. I also got an aromatherapy set for review and I’m wondering if I want it in the bedroom or in the office.

Which I told myself when I moved here that I would have a section in the office of all things zen. A space that can provide me with some calm and clarity. So, I really need to work on bringing that out.

➔ Truly let go of those in my life who also don’t spark joy

I recently discovered someone who was important to me blocked me and that’s fine, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I can’t tell someone how to feel and vice versa. But it did remind me that I was holding on to a memory, an idea, a someone that I use to know and I think one of the most painful things we will experience in life over and over again is that sometimes the people who are the most close to us can grow into someone we don’t know. That realization feels a lot like abandonment and manipulation; but people are allowed to grow into whoever tf they want, when they want.

In addition to that: when people show you what they think of you, believe them the first time. If it doesn’t align with your values, your vibe, then cut them off too. Those truly close to you won’t badger and tell you what to do with your life or time. People these days lack the ability to just fuckin listen. They also lack empathy and compassion. That’s their problem, not yours.

➔ Take time to show up

I have a ton of friends who will jump up to remind me I’m dope af. I’m funny. I’m pretty. I’m cute. That I’m strong and I take chances and no shit from others (typically). But I have a hard time telling myself these things and believing it. We are our insecurities. As I age and since I was pregnant I’ve grown to hate my face and my skin more and more. I don’t know how to put on foundation that makes me look airbrushed, no matter how hard I try.

I use to be obsessed with this thing I’d do from time to time I’d call Project Pretty and yes, most of the time it did build my confidence doing these challenges. But no matter how many times I tell myself NOW that I’ll do this, I can’t seem to find the time. I barely have time to sleep properly. But I really want to make more of an effort to show up everyday this week. That means if I decide to just do my hair — that’s fine. If I decided to do my makeup just because — that’s fine. I use to have a makeup routine that took me 4 mins to do before work every day. I need to find another quick easy look like I did then.

The goal is to boost my self confidence. And I hate that I’m placing so much of that on physical appearance but hey, we’re transparent here right?

What are some things you’d want to start doing as an act of self care this week?

3 Ways To Protect Your Energy

For this weeks Monday Mindful Manifestation I wrote about how people with toxic energy can impact your own energy. Protecting your energy is incredibly important, especially now with how much negativity is floating around. The world is in a weird place and it’s bringing out the worst in some people. Today in Texas isn’t a very good day. We’re still in freezing temps and a lot of us don’t have power or water. I’m doing my best to keep all of the devices charged and put fresh batteries in Tums’ night lights. And of course I have candles to light up the whole dang apt if I needed to. So I’m trying my best to keep things that make me happy close by.

Here’s 3 ways I protect my energy;

| Surround yourself with things that lift your spirits

For me it’s a favorite candle or wax melt lit around me while I read and a cup of iced coffee. It’s music that makes me feel good. It’s sight, sense, smell and hearing of all things that make me happy. It’s walking around Target by myself. It’s taking myself to eat at my favorite place. It’s stepping into a book store. I’m attracted to books, pretty colors and cute pastries. I know that sounds super simple.

But find the “super simple” things that bring you joy and spend time there when you feel like you need to re-balance yourself.

| Do one thing that puts you in a meditative state

I took up adult coloring books a few years ago and didn’t realize it could be used as a form of meditation, but I did have a lot of fun with it and I loved how all my pages ended up. I’m not sure why I stopped.

But I did discover there were adult coloring book apps! And that’s been super fun. I’ve been working on shading and lighting with it. I love that they offer different brush textures without actually physically having them. And watercolor is definitely less messy lol.

Another thing I do is play video games; I loveeee gathering and crafting in any game. I’m so use to knowing where my mats (materials) are on the FFXIV map that I use very little thinking power to get through gathering then back to my house in game and craft. I usually put on music and it’s just a super relaxing process for me. I enjoy it so much and I feel much better after awhile (plus making money on an MMORPG is never a waste of time lol).

Same with Animal Crossing New Horizon; the fact we can now gather and craft is THE BEST THING to me. But also pulling out weeds or fishing. I LOVE fishing on video games as well.

I’ve lost my touch on actually meditating and it’s pretty hard to get back into when you don’t live alone anymore and there’s a toddler running around. So I’ve had to find other ways to meditate that makes it look like mommy’s freakin busy ok?

But this can literally be anything to anyone; cleaning, lifting, running, find the thing that helps you.

| Call up a friend who makes you feel like your soul just hit refresh

My person is my brother ThisWae or Sean, as I know him. There’s just something about being around him and his energy that makes me feel like my energy just hit refresh. And people can say what they want about him/how he appears but this dude seriously has helped me through so much; from encouraging me to learn to meditate, constantly encouraging me to get up and work, for reminding me that he thinks I’m dope af every time I feel like the world doesn’t need me. And he’s suggested books and podcasts and all kinds of things to help me with my mental health. Oh, and he’s always ready to get up in someone’s face the second they say anything bad about me.

I also have my girls, who are always there to make me laugh and let me vent until I’m out of air if I needed to.

But if you don’t have people like that in your life (cause I’ve been there too); if you have a favorite streamer or youtuber whos content puts your in a better mood or a tv show, that also is a helpful boost.

I’ve even gone as far as going through the people I follow on social media and made sure my feed is one that bursts with creativity and positivity. Even making little changes like that make a difference.

| Stick to your boundaries

Bonus, and the most important one.

When it comes to your space and your energy, it’s important to keep your boundaries. I know this can be hard because sometimes eliminating the people who feel toxic and make you feel drained and foggy may be family members. And you may want to stay out of drama; but being around people who feel like they suck the energy out of you isn’t good either. All it does is build irritation and resentment, especially if you’re aware.

Boundaries are especially important now during this pandemic since it’s becoming clear who takes covid seriously and who doesn’t. Who has you and your family’s best interest at heart and who doesn’t. It’s not worth risking the health of you and your family to “keep peace”.

YOU are YOUR first priority; cause at the end of the day, at the end of this life, it’s just going to be you, your thoughts and the choices you made. No one is going to be with you six feet under buried with you.

So make sure that this life, the only life we get, is as clear of negativity as much as possible.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Yes this is my actual handwriting lol

It’s 7* here and MSN weather says it feels like -3* even UberEats isn’t delivering.

I read a post from Alex Tubio on Instagram, and it really made me think about my own life, my own journey and my own need for self reflection. It’s no secret that I’m unhappy here, but there’s really nothing I can do at the moment. Not with Covid, not with what the “new normal” is becoming.

And I’m partly mad at myself for waiting. For not going where my soul tells me I need to go, and now, I feel like I can’t. That the places that make my soul sing and play are so much farther, so much more out of reach. And often wake up feeling so trapped and hopeless and alone.

However I also know that I can make this less depressing than it has to be; shifting your perspective can change a lot, I should know, I’ve had to do it once or twice to save my own sanity. Is it easy? FUCK. HELL. NO. Is it worth it? HELL YES. Especially when you’re out of idea’s.

What most people don’t know though is that your environment plays a HUGE part of your well being and mental health. I’ve been around people so toxic before that I was constantly physically sick. And the moment I got away, I never got sick. It was the weirdest shit I ever had to learn first hand. And ironically it’s the toxic ones who won’t believe that’s true, or who will tell me I’m “wrong” for keeping my circle small and close. Or that I don’t invite who THEY want into MY energy.

Sorry, but my energy is mine, and I will never let someone ever make me feel bad for kicking someone out of my space that I find toxic. And esp since I have a small child to take care of?

We want to raise our children in a childhood they don’t have to recover from.

April Athena

My trauma is mine; it’s something I have to work through. It’s things I can’t blame my mom for anymore, she raised me the best way she thought she could, but she had her own struggles that she kept from us. Things she had to fight alone and I now know what that feels like. I think of that every time I feel myself slip into my mom and get so angry I want to blame Tums. But it’s not her fault. And I need to remember the things my mom endured and sacrificed in order to give me and Tums the life she’s giving us.

So this week I’m going to dive back into Linkin Park, Eminem, the things that made my soul feel heard. I’m going to bug the ever living hell out of my brother Sean because his energy for some reason feels like I’m hitting refresh on my own, and I will forever love him for that. I’m going to make active plans to be healthier, to be better, to be kinder to myself, and work on shifting my perspective.

Ya’ll my head is hurting just thinking of it, cause at least for me, it gets really heavy and hard. I’m so fuckin stubborn and no one knows just HOW MUCH I am except me and my mom. And my dad when he was here. But I want 2021 to be different. I want to be in a different space a year from now.

What’s something you want to work on or manifest this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m sleepy; well not sleepy but kinda drained. Woke up yesterday sneezing like crazy (and for the rest of the day) and feeling sick. I had a huge cry fest the day before so I figured maybe it was just a side effect of that. I took NyQuil last night anyway, just in case. And I feel a lot better today, just… drained.

This weekend has been a bit of an eye opening experience and I had thought to move this blog to a self hosted place but seeing how hard I worked on it so far and how far it’s come, I just couldn’t. I will link this new blog I did set up anyway, but I think it’ll house more of my harder mental health things.

2021 is about courage, right?

So let’s talk Shadow Work.

If you’re unfamiliar with what that is, I included a link where you can read about it. Author gets extra points for going on a mini rant about Darth Vader (Anakin, I still hate you). I haven’t done much talking about Paganism here… or really anywhere. Despite it being almost 20 years since. I guess I’m still… I don’t know. The space I’m in now, I don’t feel like I’m free to 100% be myself. I feel like if I step out of this box that I’m put in of “who I am” (or who they think I am), they accuse me of not being myself. As if someone else can tell you who YOU are. These, btw are the people who need to do shadow work. Or get therapy. Definitely get help.

I love things that make me think about my soul, does that sound weird? Like things that bring triggers to my attention without triggering me. Okay that made less sense. Just, roll with me here. I came across an article this morning that made me think about things. Obviously when someone gives birth, a lot of things in your body changes. However with me it wasn’t JUST my body that changed, it was pretty much my spirit too. I don’t know how to explain it without going into a whole rampage about it.

Point is, this weekend made me think about a few things and a few other things I need to address with myself and find solutions to. Shadow Work is something I’ve always known I’d have to face eventually but just never wanted to willingly go there. If it came up, ok. But to actually willingly dive into things? I’m getting drained just thinking about it.

But the thing about being around people who aren’t like me is the constant reminder that I’m not like them. I don’t go around destroying other people to make myself feel better. And why? Because I’m insane about self reflection. I can tell you every single one of my flaws proudly because they make me who I am. I can tell you my strengths because they too make me who I am. I can tell you why I do/respond the way I do. I’m as transparent as tracing paper and yes, that’s not an easy combo when you’re also sensitive af but I’d honestly rather be sensitive and transparent and get hurt than be a whole soul of bad juju that goes around getting a kick out of hurting other people. Cause that’s not ok. That’s not what family does. At fuckin all.

So in this week, moment, month, year — whatever — of newly found self reflection and shadow work; I need to remember that even though it’ll bring back a lot of dark and bad memories that I will be okay. I have an amazingly strong support system that is always right behind me.

And beyond that, I’m from the hood. I can handle anything.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

This week’s intention;

I don’t feel not enough as much as I use to, I still feel like I don’t do enough but I myself feel enough for me, anyway. I need to remind myself that everything on my to do list doesn’t have to all be crossed off. That’s what tomorrow is for. Or later. As long as I get as much done today, that is enough.

The kiddo’s toys is taking up lots of space, granted this is her room. Well half and half my office but it’s hard to literally split things like this in half. She does try her best to keep her side tidy when I ask her to, and really what more can you ask of a 2 year old lo. But this room does need some organizing, for sure.

I honestly can’t believe how fast January is already, we’re mid month at this point and I’m super excited for the changes ahead!

What’s something you want to manifest this week?

Rebrand for 2021

If you haven’t noticed I changed the blog name; I’ve been wanting to for about a year now ever since my husband’s sisters stalked my Twitter. I’ve changed the name a few times but I honestly couldn’t think of something to settle into.

I know I wanted to convert this space to the two things that mean the world to me: Disney and words.

I somehow fell back into book blogging and I forgot how much I truly missed it. It always feels like being part of something bigger than yourself. Having all these worlds to fall into and live in for 300 pages at your fingertips. And ironically I’m finding that a subject I’ve always wanted to get into but never did is now something I look for: Historical Fiction. Time travel and paraell universe reads have always been a weakness but I’ve never read an entirely just Historically Fiction book until this year. And I feel like I’ve been missing out!

I know Disneyland still has no plans to re-open any time soon and that my love and my home Disney World IS open. I’m hoping to be able to get there some time this year so I can start posting Disney content; until then I guess it’s just other types of Disney content!

I hope this new name gives me a new start that I’m hoping for and encourages me to stop censoring myself.

#onelittleword2021

Every year for the last 6 years I’ve done #OneLittleWord; unfortunately the graphic program I used to make my previous ones has decided to just… disappear. I knew the day would come lol. So this year I created my own graphic.

I don’t know how I feel about it. But here it is.

My #OneLittleWord for 2021 is Courage.

Courage; to do the things I’ve recently been aware I’m re-afraid to do. Courage; to convince myself the lies my mind, my anxiety and my OCD tell me are false. Courage; to heal properly, even if getting there will hurt like hell. Courage; to see my friends and family again. Courage; to BE better cause Tums deserves the very best side of me.

The courage to finish writing a book. The courage to really go in on blogging and content creating. The courage to go back to school and finish my final year and get my BA in Communications, how much of a game changer that will be. The courage to stand up for myself, knowing I’m standing alone. The courage to remind myself of who I am because how can my oldest friends know and I sit here and act like I don’t?

I spent 2019 in the dark and I spent 2020 in a hazy fog. I’m finally feeling myself reach the less foggy area’s of the things that have recently happened. But even when I’m in the clear, the fight isn’t over. The fight is never over, it just changes. And that’s fine. My life would be boring if I never had to fight something.

My boundaries and my roots are incredibly important to me, and I will make that loud and clear in 2021. And this time no one is going to stand in my damn way.

Things I’m Leaving in 2020

Things I’m Leaving in 2020

2020 has showed us a lot of things about ourselves, our surroundings, our company we keep and about society. There are a lot of things I still carry around with me that I shouldn’t. That I don’t need to. Pain is hard to cope with. Loss is even harder. I’m the type to cling on to the darkness because the light just means what goes up must come down. And you can’t go down if you’re already there.

But I also need to remember; I’m not some broken teenager with a notebook full of secrets. I’m not that girl who constantly wished for someone to notice her and love her just as she is. I’m not searching for someone to fill a void in my life anymore.

Cause I love myself more than anyone could ever love me. Except maybe my mom and my daughter and my cat. I learned that I don’t need some dude to make me feel my worth because I know my worth. And at times I tend to forget. 2020 made the heavy things even heavier, and I’m tired of carrying it all around with me.

I’m not one to actually fully heal from anything. I kind of just store it away and pull it out from time to time. So I’m not entirely sure I’m capable of healing. But hey, there’s a first time for everything, right?

I have a tendency to ask my friends whenever it seems like they’re stuck at a fork in the road: if this was your life one year from today, would you be happy?

My bro has a habit of throwing the same question at me sometimes: but what do YOU want?

Continue reading “Things I’m Leaving in 2020”