Typically July and December are my depressed months. The months where the most traumatic shit has happened to me and I just am not in a good mood or the best person to be around. And it’s not like I mean to be like that, it’s just those months make me weird. If that makes sense.
Tums birthday is this week and I got NOTHING literally N O T H I N G prepared. I’ve been in a super dark depressed funk all month and I noticed… this happened last year as well. The only birthday I really tried to make memorable for her was her 1st birthday. Even if it was just us. And I remember his family threw her birthday party (which I obviously didn’t go to cause I was no contact with them already at that point); I told her dad I didn’t want to see anything about it. Yet I still did and I remember feeling like shit. I felt like shit cause I wasn’t able to throw my own daughter a proper birthday party. I’m not from here. My family and friends are in California.
I felt like shit because I felt like I fuckin failed as. Filipino mom. There was no pancit. No lechon. All I wanted was to throw her this birthday party like every fuckin Filipino child gets…. and I fuckin couldn’t even do that. And it hurt.
As someone who’s dealt with depression since they were 13 you’d think I’d have like a million ways to cope by now but truthfully, when my anxiety showed up at 19/20, the depression took a back seat. For so long in fact that sometimes I don’t even know I’m showing signs of depression unless someone points it out to me. And it always amazes me that my friends all the way in California, though they don’t see me every day, can still spot when I’m not myself. That’s the beauty of having people in your life who know you and who accept you exactly 100% as you are.
Lately I’ve had a hard time getting out of bed and end up not even getting up until 4pm just to get back in bed at 7 or 8. Like okay that’s enough life for today. The last time I pulled this shit I ended up dropping 80 pounds and a friend of mine had to literally pull me out of my apartment. But it was also around the time I had started taking Zoloft the first time.
I blamed Texas weird ass weather at first, which the weather here has sucked. It’s like a never ending fuckshit of winter. I’m over it. Then when I fly to Cali it’s perfect and 80 degrees.
I’m reminded of just how alone I am in Texas and wonder how did I put myself in this position. It’s not like it’s hard for me to make friends, at all. But it seems like most people I’ve run into in the years I’ve lived in Texas just haven’t been the best people or if they’re family members suddenly I’m fooling around with them. Bubba’s family has made my life a special kind of hell since I’ve moved here and I regret ever moving here to begin with.
I gave up my life of magic at Disney and beach days for this shit?!
Literally should had just moved back to California after I broke up with Nick, like I had planned to begin with. I also need to stop dating people who take me wanting to move back to California as just blasphemy because their hometown is “the best”. And they’ve never even lived anywhere else. I don’t know how someone comes up with that conclusion but it’s a thing people do.
I feel like since moving to Texas I’m completely forgotten who I am. I subconsciously tried to fit this mold of someone I wasn’t. Just to hopefully please people. Spoiler: didn’t work. I never understood what my friends were saying when they said I got soft until I set foot in NorCal and it’s like snap what have I been doing the last few years?!
Giving birth and suffering through postpartum depression while feeling completely isolated and alone was the worst and so freakin traumatic. To the point where I literally NEVER want to give birth again. I never want to go through that ever again. And I lost even more of myself for years. While the Zoloft helped, I couldn’t get my insurance to work something out enough for me to get help with therapy. And believe me, between PPD and losing my dad within months of each other? I desperately needed therapy. Zoloft isn’t easing my mind as good as it did the first time around, but I’m also not on the max dose.
I’m losing my train of thought… I thought putting on The Descendants would make me feel a little better. A little closer to Disney? Something? It’s kinda working.
I got to spend a week back home in Cali and I honestly forgot just how much I loved NorCal. I left 10 years ago saying I’d never come back… I was also a really angry and angsty young adult at the time. I was determined to get my dream job (which I did) and make a life for myself (which I did). I’ve always loved being independent but I was also low key obsessed with it to prove to other people I was capable of everything they kept telling me I wasn’t capable of.
But in reality; NorCal is a beautiful place to visit. There’s literally so much to do and see. You’d rarely ever get bored. Between Silicone Valley, San Francisco and Napa Valley, there’s a lot to do. I forgot how loved I am there. How much my childhood friends love me. How much they only want what’s best for me and want to see me truly happy. Ten years can change a lot of things but one thing that hasn’t changed is the epic convos, adventures and love that they have for me and that I have for them. I’m so glad I got to see my friends while I was there. I’m glad I got to spend a week hanging out with one of my best friends; we have a pretty dope story of how we ended up friends and there’s a lot of irony in it now that we’re adults. But he’s always been the sweetest guy I know, since we were kids. And he’s still just as sweet. And yay for a foodie adventure friend!
I loved seeing my friends with Tums and seeing that they love her just as much as they love me. I loved that she had people to play with and other kids to play with — she got along SO WELL with my friends kids! All of them!
California air just hits different, for sure.
And now I’m back in Texas… where it’s effing snowing right now and something ridiculous like 19 degree’s or something. My eczema is already acting up. Did move into the new apartment and while it’s bigger than the last one it’s also much more expensive and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I mean I love this complex but at the same time… I really want to move back to Cali to be closer to my friends and family. Especially seeing just how much older my mom is now… it’s really kicking up my anxiety big time. And having someone tell you you’re stuck in Texas and can’t move back to Cali or be with your family is just a new level of audacity. At the end of the day, this is still my life and it’s my choice to do what I want when I want. That shouldn’t be anyone else’s choice but my own. And it’s definitely hard to protect your peace when you’re arounds someone who seems to challenge that every chance they get.
Hoping for some clarity in Feb and some solutions.
I know ya’ll, I’m really slacking on the blogging thing. I know it’s been almost a month since the holidays but I’m still feeling a little spacey. Anyone else? I guess I just haven’t been filling my days enough and I haven’t really started working on my goals… I also haven’t put that post up. Well damn.
I am a bit distracted this week because I’m going to be going home for a few days while my mom is recovering and after I come back from that I’ll be moving into a new apartment. So there’s a lot of packing going on this week! I’m really hoping I can manage to get it all done. Or close to done.
I really want to be better with blogging again, even if it’s just 3 posts a week. I don’t know why this is so difficult to achieve lately. I really need to get back on my self care game. I haven’t even Saged in I don’t know how long! Which reminds me, I need to get Sage for the new apartment. I’m sure there’s no bad vibes in there but still, it’s just a thing, I guess.
I know this saying is pretty basic; but it’s something that I feel applies to this week. I haven’t been home in ten years. That means I haven’t seen some of my friends in 12-15 years. I am SO excited to be able to see them. I know a lot has changed since the last time I was in Cali and I’m both excited and nervous to see what those changes are.
I’m not sure what chances I’ll stumble on while I’m home. But I’m hoping something for my business will present itself. Speaking of, I really want to expand my shop and my range of products but I’m not exactly sure with what. And I’m finding that while Print On Demand CAN be “easier”, you lose a lot of the control as far as shipping and you’re limited in design. The upside however is not having to store all the products yourself and also not having to deal with shipping. I have a weird love/hate relationship with shipping.
I’m already tired just thinking about this week. Hope you all have a good one!
Anyone else feel a little bit rushed at the fact that Christmas and New Years are just way too close to each other? Like dang, can we get some time to recover from Christmas?!
Happy New Years week!
My BFF texted me on Christmas Eve asking if I had my resolutions list ready yet. Tbh she’s later than usual asking me this but my mind has been a foggy mess since November so it wasn’t something I had really put any thought or anything into just yet. I’m now reminded that I need to get on that this week. Along with whatever else last minute 2021 things I set for myself like: creating space for new things by getting rid of things I don’t need. Or catching up on all my recap blog posts. Oh and reading 7 books. Which seems like a small list now but it entails a lot of detail.
I also have to get a start on what I want to release for 2022 on the shop. This is one I’ve been working on but I’m coming up blank. At least I got to catch up on A LOT of sleep this weekend. Thank goodness for that.
This week I want to manifest;
Getting my ass in gear and to do my best to finish all the last minute 2021 things I need to get done.
What are your plans for this week? Or for the New Year? Have you started your resolutions list yet?
I know it’s been a minute since I’ve blogged anything; my mind has just been thrown around everywhere. I really wanted to do blog/vlogmas but I just wasn’t prepared at all. It’s okay, I can jump in now, it’s not too late to!
This week I’m trying to get things back on track. Trying to get back to updating my shop and my shop blog as well as post more on my Disney and food accounts. I’ve just felt so stuck… most so than usual here. And I think I get like this every time I come back from Florida too… I remember how alive it feels there and to come back to TX where it feels slow paced… just sucks. Literally wondering why I even moved here, honestly.
This quote from Hamilton really struck a cord with me, because it’s been a quote/concept I’ve carried around with me my whole life. It’s also probably why I’m not a huge fan of Burr. I’m more like Hamilton in so many ways.
I told my BFF that 2022 is going to be the find yourself bitch year. Which means going wherever my soul tells me I need to go. Be around the people who have always had my back. Be the real me and not whoever people here think I am.
And if I don’t stand for the things that make me me, then what will I fall for?
This week I want to manifest just that — to do the things that make me me. Time is ticking and I’m not getting any younger. I’m tired of being unhappy and it’s up to me to change that.
What is something you want to manifest this last month of 2021?
I tend to forget I control my life. No one else does and no one else has the right to.
That just because I’m not happy with where I am, doesn’t mean it’ll be like this forever and to work for the life I want. I told myself that I wouldn’t let someone else stop me from doing the things I want anymore and I really need to remind myself of that this week.
I’m capable of anything and I need to stop selling myself short!
Ooh look what’s back this week! Idk if it’s Mercury Retrograde but this weekend has been flooded with a few hard hitting realizations.
Sunday was World Mental Health Day and USUALLY I have some well thought out post on social media and my blogs but this weekend I was just… I had the worst creative block. And a sneezing fit. But that’s different.
And if I could grant you peace of mind, would it be enough?
Something about this segment that seems to repeat itself through out Hamilton lives rent free in the front of my mind lately, not just that but it strikes a cord with me.
I struggled a lot growing up. I was shy because I was insecure. I was insecure because I was never encouraged; I was encouraged by my Lolo but he passed away when I was 9 and I had nothing after that. I was told a lot of hurtful things growing up that undermined my intelligence, my perception of myself being a good person, my beauty, my anything. Anything you could think of. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed and feeling worthless. I TRULY DEEPLY felt like I was a waste of space. That everyone in my life would be so much better off and happier without me bringing them down or getting in their way.
I still carry these insecurities with me. I’m MUCH more aware of them and it only took me 30-something years to realize most of them were far from true. Here’s the thing though — you could be 110% aware that something isn’t true about you. But because it was drilled into your head that it “is true” you start to doubt yourself. DESPITE KNOWNING that it’s not true.
I had refused to wear shorts and skirts and dresses until I was 31. And I fuckin lived in Florida. I refused to be outside of my house in anything less than a tee shirt. I hated my legs, I hated my shoulders, I hated my collarbone. I hated that I was flat chested. I couldn’t understand why anyone would truly be attracted to me. At 13 I started thinking about suicide. At 14 I met my really sweet friend Dru. He was adorable and popular and he was really sweet and kind. And I was like, in love with him for awhile, I asked him out like 5 times and he said no every single time. It’s cool, I never held it against him. And honestly we’ve been really close friends for the last 21 years, so.
I have so many memories of him convincing me that I’m worth something. That my life is mine to make. And even now 21 years later he still reminds me he needs me here. This year I’ve been reminded that people really fuckin love me. People really fuckin support me. I have the MOST amazing friends a girl could ask for.
This is getting way longer than I thought it would.
My friends have played a huge part in helping me build myself back up.
Just stay alive, that would be enough
I caught COVID in May and the amount of friends who would check up on me, who sent me get well gifts… was touching. I know my friends love and care about me, but I guess I just didn’t really think about how much I meant to them. This year has been reminders of exactly that and it’s something I’ve needed.
This week I want to manifest that everything I think I am, I am. I want to stop selling myself short.
Talk less, smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.
Possibly the worst advice I’ve ever heard. I watched Hamilton not too long ago and I’m completely utterly obsessed. It’s been the only thing I’ve been thinking about for DAYS now. I mean I started listening to the soundtrack months before I decided to watch it. I just figured it wasn’t my type of musical. Despite 2021 seems to be my year of historical fiction.
That moment when you realize you’re probably Alexander Hamilton in this musical. Minus the advice he gave his kid. I refuse to watch that entire scene ever again. Mf I was sobbing and I never cry at movies.
It’s a pet peeve of mine to come across people who don’t stand for anything. Not just that, but have the audacity to stop someone else from standing what they believe in. I don’t need anyone to fight my battles, never have and never will. But also, don’t stand in my way. If you don’t agree with me, cool. Sit ya ass down. My ex husband (when he was still my bf) hated that I was pro-gay up until we divorced. He literally thought that children who are AROUND gays would turn gay themselves. I remember buying a shirt when I was 19 that said “I you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry one” and he thought it was “stupid”. He hated that I was passionate about animal rights. He hated that I wasn’t a fan of eating meat either. And don’t even get me started on how “stupid” he thought being vocal about mental health was. Or how he was convinced I was “making up” OCD and anxiety because “that shit isn’t real” DESPITE that I went to therapy for 8 years. That he would come with me to. WEEKLY. But you know, yeah, I’m def making this shit up. Mf, what.
It was his theory that if you stayed quiet, no one would have anything against you. Spoiler alert: if a mf wants to hate on you, they will.
I think I’ll talk more and smile less. I think I’ll let them know what I’m for and against so there isn’t a chance for miscommunication. Is it possible to manifest staying true to yourself?
So glad to be here for another MMM and I know it’s been a minute since I’ve posted one.
Designing Fall & Halloween tees and stickers have been my biggest projects this month and I’m super excited about them!
I managed to make a handful of sales last week, and I’m so thankful for that and the support! I redid my Ko-fi page to now include memberships where I send out monthly stickers and keychains depending on which one you pick! I’m having a lot of fun designing stickers and tees and I’m both excited and extremely overwhelmed with getting the Fall/Halloween stuff up!
There still moments, lots of moments, where I don’t know if what I’m doing is worth it. But as long as I’m having fun and as long as it’s helping my mental health, it is def worth it. At least that’s what I remind myself.
Dreams won’t work unless you do.
Manifestation is crazy; and it’s something I believed in for a really long time but didn’t know there was a word for it. But I truly believe if I stay focused, and if I keep my mind positive and clear then I can achieve anything. Even something as crazy as seeing this tiny business of mine take off. And I know the universe is there to see me and hear me.
This week I’m manifesting just that: to keep my mind positive and clear and work as hard as I can. And to remind myself that the universe got’s me.
What’s something you want to manifest this week? Beyond that, how have ya’ll been?