Happy Easter

I typically celebrate Easter as my “self holiday” since I love stocking up on Easter snacks. But I feel like there really werent that much this year to choose from! I def had a struggle putting a basket together for Tums.

I also put together a basket for B.

B had given us our Easter baskets early; mine is on the left and Tums is on the right. The Cotton Candy in mine is “Blueberry Waffle” and omg it’s amazing. It legit tastes like waffles!

Luckily Tums is too little to understand and all she knows is she just got more candy just for her. We didn’t get big baskets this year because if you can see the sort of hint in the back — we have a big trip coming up! And I’m super duper excited. Still struggling with depression over here but trust me, inside I’m screaming from excitement. I just… need to pack. Which I’m always bad with.

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Recap 2021 | March

Is it just me or does it feel like March just passed right on by? I remember planning my Middle Grade March TBR and suddenly I have 1 1/2 days until March is over?! How the hell?! I made zero progress with the TBR btw. I mean, I have 2 hours left on the book I’m currently listening to but I have no idea when I’ll be able to go finish it. So. Yeah, the reading was kind of non existent this month.

And it was taken over by… depression! Me and depression have a long and twisted relationship. Before anxiety decided to crash the party, I had figured out a way to take my depression and turn it into art. Writing, singing, graphic design, and even poetry. But since anxiety, that doesn’t happen too often anymore. Now most of the time when depression steps in, I pretty much don’t do anything. And I really hate that type. Where anxiety is crippling and manipulating my thoughts and even sense of sight, here comes useless ass depression. Like bro, at least inspire me to make something? Seeing skips of content just pisses me off when you decide to up and leave for the weekend or some shit. Mothafucker.

At the end of Feb somehow my stuff started to break: first my keyboard (which was my fault, I’ll admit) then my laptop (which was Tums’ fault but honestly, it was bound to happen and of course I tried to avoid it from happening but if you have/had toddlers.. you’d know they just auto break everything they touch. I remember when I was toddler and me and my brother did a LOT OF HIDING my moms shit when we’d do something we KNEW we weren’t suppose to be doing in the house; 99% of the time it involved playing catch). And my iPad randomly decided to stop charging.

My kuya was nice enough to get me a new keyboard (a cool aesthetically pleasing clicky one btw) as an early bday gift and tbh, I’m SO obsessed with it. Like, I just want to type FOREVER. It’s so satisfying! Also, we’ve been friends for 21 years and this is the first time he’s gotten me a gift lmao, just saying. But seriously, this keyboard is the thing of good feelings lol.

My mom replaced my laptop as an early bday gift. It’s cool cause the finger pad doubles as a num pad. It gets confusing when you accidently turn it on (yes you can turn it off and on) but it’s a really cool concept. This one STAYS OUT OF TUMS REACH at all times. Idc if she cries. Throws her shit all off the bed. Whatever. She’s not touching this one lol.

I finally gave in and took my iPad to Geek Squad where they told me that Apple doesn’t usually “repair” your stuff, they just send you a new one. And they don’t really care to even tell you what was wrong with your broken device either. So, yay for getting a replacement but booo for not knowing what was wrong. While I waited for that to come in (they told me 3-5 days but it ended up taking like 3 weeks) I ended up getting the Samsung Galaxy Tab S6 Lite. There are pros and cons to this tablet, imo. But I’m a hardcore Apple fan when it comes to devices and a Windows fan when it comes to computers. The one thing I will say is that the pen for the SGT is a lot lighter than the Apple pen and it kind of throws me off?

I also finally upgraded my iPhone to the iPhone 12, from the iPhone 8. I was super hesitant since the last text message and phone call log from my dad was on my 8. But the dude said I didn’t have to trade in my phone since it was paid off, so whew. I opted OUT of the mini this time for my phone. I didn’t get the one I dub spider eyes, I just got the 12 in the normal size. And the best thing about new iPhones? THAT NEW BATTERY LIFE. So nice. I can actually not keep it on the charger all night! I can play games! I can FaceTime and not deplete my battery! So fun! So amazing! Man I hate this new tech shit.

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Shop Small Sunday

Today’s shop small is inspired by:

All the Etsy Disney shops I bought products from for my upcoming trip.

I’ve always wanted indie Disney shirts. I don’t know why, I just love how creative people get with their designs esp the text only ones. I’ve also thought of making my own, but I don’t know where people get theirs printed at. Something I’ll have to look into for sure!

On to my purchases;

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

I don’t have a quote or any idea what I want to manifest this week. But as I write this, Tums is behind me with her blocks learning how to count on her own. The things this girl does when you just sit and watch her amazes me. She’s so dang smart.

I lied, I just came across this quote in friend Logan’s blog post. Fun fact I started following him on LiveJournal in like 2004? 2005? And I’ve been reading his blog ever since.

This is something I truly believe in; my ex use to be one of those people who felt like because of his upbringing the world owed him something. He spent years angry and waiting for things to fall in his lap. And when I’d suggest doing something about it all he did was point out how hindered he was. But if there’s anything I learned from him it’s that people will go after what they want, period. He always felt like I had a bigger advantage because I had a car. Because I came from money even though I worked just as much if not more than him. I had my own bills to pay. I was THISCLOSE to enlisting into the Army because my mom refused to pay for my college.

My biggest dream was to work at Disney. I held on to this dream for years. I had no idea how or when, I just knew someday I’d get there. And I did. And it wasn’t because I had a car or came from money, none of that played any part in how I got a job at Disney.

I’ve believed in manifestation my whole life — if I just stayed on track. If I just kept working towards whatever goal it was — big or small — I could make it happen.

Working at Disney was one of the best things to ever happen to me.

I went in as this shy, insecure, quiet girl who had big dreams but a small voice. I struggled to make female friends in CA because bitches are haters. And I left that job being a girl with big dreams and a big voice. I’m 0% shy. I got comfortable with speaking in front of 80 people every 12 minutes willing an animatronic ant to start a show. I made friends all around the world I still talk to that loved me for who I am, no matter what kind of day I was having.

I lost my bestest friend and my husband in the process, but tbh I feel like the truth of if we belonged together or not was hanging in the balance way before we left for Disney.

People will always be who they are.

It’s up to you to listen and what you’re gonna with that.

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Happy 6th Adoptaversary Sophie!

The story of how I met Sophie is sort of my favorite one to tell; mostly because I have no idea how or why it happened. I had always heard that pets choose their owners but I never really believed in that until now. I had spent years just browsing the cats for adoption at PetSmart I figured this was any other day like that.

It was a Tampa day when I lived in Florida and one of my main stops was PetSmart since it was right next to Whole Foods. I was talking to my friend Adonis and walked over to the adoption center. I saw Sophie, through the window and immediately felt drawn to her. She wasn’t doing anything special, she was just there. She wasn’t super active and she wasn’t a kitten as her info card said she was 10. But she was tiny. Too small to believe that she was 10. I don’t exactly remember what her info card had said (and I wish I did). I went to find an associate because I wanted to meet Sophie.

She was really skittish. And yes, small. The associate told me that a woman runs the adoption agency they work with and that Sophie was found. She also told me Sophie had been at that PetSmart for 3 years. It was harder to get her adopted since she wasn’t young.

I should probably explain where I was in this point of my life: a year earlier I had a mental breakdown to the point where I almost called 5150 on myself and it triggered hallucinations. It wasn’t anything big or serious at the time — I just kept seeing a cat follow me around my apartment or stare at me. And I didn’t have a cat. I was frequently home alone. Because of the mental breakdown I was also going through a separation/divorce though my ex at the time didn’t want to acknowledge it… or the divorce papers he hid somewhere in his closet. This wasn’t some short marriage either; we had been together since we were 17. He was the bestest friend I had even known and he was literally my partner in crime. Until one day he just wasn’t anymore. Until one day he said my anxiety and OCD make him feel trapped and he turned to other girls to help him feel normal. Our relationship was broken and there wasn’t a way to fix it, we both knew that. We had been together for 12 years and literally grew up together. Learned how to be adults together.

One month after I adopted Sophie, we filed for divorce.

Continue reading “Happy 6th Adoptaversary Sophie!”

Word Vomit | That New New

I know there isn’t a Friday Finds post up today and that’s because a lot has been going on all week and I’ve been… in a really angry mood. I could say I’m not sure why but that would be lying and I won’t lie to you or myself. Esp when it comes to my mental health. My therapist started me on a sort of booster anti anxiety med to take along with the Zoloft. It’s like.. it’s suppose to help calm me and help stop the small hallucinations I get. Oh and help me sleep. And it does, but I take it before bed so through the day I’m trying to figure out how to deal with everything.

Makes me miss the days of Xanax.

Tums has been in that stage where she was too much energy and she’s draining me. I know she has BIG emotions for such a little thing and trying to come up with ways to diffuse her melt downs while still trying to keep my shit together? I feel like this is some kind of level up. Is this how my exes feel? JFC. It’s usually easy to manage, it’s just when her dad comes home she starts acting out… and it makes sense why she does.

Gave in and got this for the Switch, I know the new one is coming out soon but I couldn’t remember if I liked Harvest Moon. I haven’t gotten very far just yet but the opening scenes are.. sad. I just needed a new game to farm and craft on. Currently waiting for the Sanrio Amiibo cards for Animal Crossing to come out. I also tore down some of my waterfalls in my entrance way cause I’m gonna make smaller ones. Or more hills. I don’t know. But it wasn’t enough cottagecore vibes for me.

I absolutely love when I find toddler toys for review that Tums actually loves. One I got her in Dec was a truck with shapes your match around it. She likes to build, so she basically just stacked all the blocks but she would spend hours doing this. Another that I just got her about a week ago is this set of 100 blocks (I know, RIP me) that she can build different things with. It’s helped give her something to do in the morning while I make her breakfast and she’s not crying cause I’m “away”. I also got her like a new age Etch a Sketch that’s actually really cool. And she’s been drawing on it. I taught her how to draw hearts. I’m working on butterflies next!

I amazes me how she’s not even 2 and we have our routines. There’s little things she makes sure to do for me, even if I don’t ask. She’ll put the morning juice on the table if I hand it to her. She starts the dish washer after I ask her to shut it. She shuts the laundry room door every single time she see’s it open. She also covers up all the plugs in the office with those plug cover things. I got colorful animals. But she doesn’t put random things in her mouth and she doesn’t play with the actual outlet. She knows it goes there. She also hands me my phone or my Kindle as soon as I get in bed. And she puts her toys away, oh she also picks up after herself! And if she catches me crying she usually punches me in the face. We’re working on that one lmao.

I gave in and upgraded this blog to a business plan; I honestly hate how limited the paid tier is despite how much it costs. And sure, it would be A LOT cheaper if I had just re-created the whole blog on my actual hosting service but I feel like I spent years building THIS blog up and idk, I’m weird about things sometimes. I’m still trying to figure out how set up extra things with the business plans like my usual plug ins and all that other “extra” stuff.

Guess who got to it first ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ญ

I finally got my iPad back yesterday, it had stopped completely charging a month ago and after a week of no results I decided to bring it to Geek Squad to repair while it was still covered. They said it would take 3-5 business days but it took about 2 weeks before I heard anything back. But she’s home now and she’s set up. Kinda. I just gotta organize everything all over again.

I also caved and upgraded my iPhone8 to the iPhone12 (and not the mini for once). I was super against the idea of it because my dad’s last text message to me is on my 8. Thankfully since the phone is paid for I didn’t have to trade it in, so I still have it. But I got the iPhone12 in blue. I hated all the other color options. And I don’t believe in phone cases, and no I never drop/break my iPhone either. OCD is good for something sometimes. I’m in love with it so far! The camera is SO much more than my 8 was! And I actually like the bigger screen. The only downside for me is that it uses the USB-C cable and well, everything I have is the lightning cable.

Tomorrow I start on organizing the closet and the office. Oh and also attempting to make wax melts! I’m pretty excited about that! And Sunday I’ll be sharing a ton of small businesses I bought Disney shifts from for our upcoming trip!

I know word vomit posts arenโ€™t suppose to have pictures but eh, whatever.

I hope you all are having a great Friday and have a fun weekend planned!

Monday Mindful Manifestation

My doctor put me on a second anti anxiety/sleeping aid and it works a little like Xanax but not as strong. It’s been making me chill tf out the last few days, that’s for sure. The adjustment isn’t horrible like it was with Zoloft but it’s still a bit of a struggle. Having to just deal and still be the best mom is hard some mornings. I had the first Sunday in months where I felt find enough to send Tums and B to his mom’s house like I use to so I could get some sleep and catch up on some work. I’ve been a lot more hungry lately which is a good thing, it’s been awhile since I’ve actually felt hungry.

Self Care is super important, but in the world like this where our new reality is constantly changing, it’s hard to keep up with even sleep let alone self care! But if you’re anything like me, you know the feeling of burn out by putting yourself last. The only quiet time during the day I get is when I’m cleaning the rooms and taking a shower. I don’t even take bubble baths anymore, and they’re my favorite! I should start again but I always feel like I don’t have time anymore.

Things I want to start this week as self care;

โž” Play more relaxing music

I just rediscovered some songs on an old Spotify playlist I made years ago. I forgot how much I loved some of these songs. They definitely take me back to the days I worked at Disney and my busy life back then, which you all know I miss. But listening to relaxing music really has a way of changing your whole vibe.

โž” Cleaning my space

This means going through and getting rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. I managed to do this a bit in the living room the other day and it felt so good! Now imagine if I did that for a whole room. A whole apartment?! Okay, I’m going to slow it down a bit. Baby steps. But truly, clean your space, clean your mind. At least, I’m really hoping how this is going to work.

This also includes replacing light bulbs. Had to throw that self reminder out there for myself. Cause honestly, I know how stubborn I can get. I irritate myself all the time with it. Like yo, these bulbs need to be changed!

I also want to go back to melting a wax melt before bed/at bed time. I associate a lot of feelings and memories with song and scent. I also got an aromatherapy set for review and I’m wondering if I want it in the bedroom or in the office.

Which I told myself when I moved here that I would have a section in the office of all things zen. A space that can provide me with some calm and clarity. So, I really need to work on bringing that out.

โž” Truly let go of those in my life who also don’t spark joy

I recently discovered someone who was important to me blocked me and that’s fine, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I can’t tell someone how to feel and vice versa. But it did remind me that I was holding on to a memory, an idea, a someone that I use to know and I think one of the most painful things we will experience in life over and over again is that sometimes the people who are the most close to us can grow into someone we don’t know. That realization feels a lot like abandonment and manipulation; but people are allowed to grow into whoever tf they want, when they want.

In addition to that: when people show you what they think of you, believe them the first time. If it doesn’t align with your values, your vibe, then cut them off too. Those truly close to you won’t badger and tell you what to do with your life or time. People these days lack the ability to just fuckin listen. They also lack empathy and compassion. That’s their problem, not yours.

โž” Take time to show up

I have a ton of friends who will jump up to remind me I’m dope af. I’m funny. I’m pretty. I’m cute. That I’m strong and I take chances and no shit from others (typically). But I have a hard time telling myself these things and believing it. We are our insecurities. As I age and since I was pregnant I’ve grown to hate my face and my skin more and more. I don’t know how to put on foundation that makes me look airbrushed, no matter how hard I try.

I use to be obsessed with this thing I’d do from time to time I’d call Project Pretty and yes, most of the time it did build my confidence doing these challenges. But no matter how many times I tell myself NOW that I’ll do this, I can’t seem to find the time. I barely have time to sleep properly. But I really want to make more of an effort to show up everyday this week. That means if I decide to just do my hair — that’s fine. If I decided to do my makeup just because — that’s fine. I use to have a makeup routine that took me 4 mins to do before work every day. I need to find another quick easy look like I did then.

The goal is to boost my self confidence. And I hate that I’m placing so much of that on physical appearance but hey, we’re transparent here right?

What are some things you’d want to start doing as an act of self care this week?

Friday Finds

Finally got my laptop replaced after Tums had somehow managed to break the monitor. She’s been messing with that laptop since she started crawling. How toddlers break almost everything they touch is way beyond me. I strive to have that energy, where you do thinks without apology and can’t read the room lol! I also got my keyboard gift from my Kuya Dru (I broke my own keyboard) got here and I. AM. IN. LOVE. It’s so pink and so cute and it has the clicky keys!

I’m still fighting my depression this week; my doctor put me on an additional anti anxiety med that doubles as a sleeping aid which helps since most of my shit happens at night. Paranoia and intrusive thoughts have come back and I’m pissed. It took me years to get them to go away and now I’m in this high strung stressed out environment and it feels like all the steps forward I took with my mental health just ended up being a huge step backward.

On to the links;

I posted about how I want to make some lifestyle changes on the food blog which I’m also trying to build back up. I got a mental health book for review about a month ago that talked about foods that could trigger your anxiety and I found it super interesting.

I also decided to start a blog coaching service since a lot of people like to ask me how do you start a blog.

As if you need any more idea’s on what to get from Target lol! Best Products (I totally got sucked into this site) lists the Target cult favorites. How many of these are true for you? Some of these have been on my mental grocery wish list for awhile now.

MSN Money (really?) just posted the 3 new Starbucks flavors to hit grocery stores. I can’t see if these are Cold Brew or not but man, a tired mama is hoping. I miss my coffee shop downstairs that made this delicious Cold Brew. Ughh.

Real Simple talks about the 10 Spring Trends that are taking over TikTok; Not sure how I feel about bubble candles. I mean they’re def cute but they’re also… kinda weird lol.

Sundays were my self care days, before I had Tums and a marriage and I miss that. Having self care days, I mean. Now it seems like self care time for me is the 20 mins it takes for me to get adjusted at the Chiro. I’ve told my Chiro that this is my weekly alone time. Thankfully he thinks it’s funny. Here are 18 things I’d like to try doing as self care and there are a few I use to do as well; I’m not going to place a day or a time on it because then… I’ll just end up disappointed lol.

Monthly Recap | Feb 2021

I can’t think if I’ve done a monthly recap post here… I know I try to do them regularly on my review blog. But I feel like Feb was significant. At least in the aspect of growth and the universe slapping me upside my head pretty much all month.

My bro said something super interesting the other day;

You need to learn something; until you learn or come to terms with whatever it is, God is going to keep sending you back to figure it out. You ain’t done it in your past lifetime, so now you here in this one doing the same ass shit.

When I say I love blogging, I mean it’s all I’ve ever thought about since I started in 1999. I’m always looking forward to writing my blog posts or about my day. Writing has been my therapy forever and people have tried to take it away from me. But honestly, there’s just something about blogging for me that goes beyond passion. I don’t know why or how. Or what I’m suppose to do with it. But I literally think about blogging ALL THE TIME. So I’m considering what he’s saying and trying to figure out what it is I’m suppose to be doing.

Let’s get on to the recap before I go into the in my feels stuff.

Feb Faves;

EOS Creme Brulee lip balm

Self Care YouTube videos

Audiobooks

Cherry Coke

Feb Discoveries;

I discovered cozy gaming both on YouTube and on TikTok. I also discovered cozy living. I won’t go as far as say Hygge because it’s a bit different than that. I’ve come across a ton of awesome self improvement channels that I can not wait to binge watch! I’ve missed watching normal vlogs on YouTube and I’m so glad I found these! I also decided to take my gaming name a little more seriously; so, introducing my gaming TikTok as well as my gaming blog that has nothing on it right now but will!

I also discovered, I don’t like snow as much as I thought I would! We had crazy snow here in TX and the state wasn’t prepared for it since it’s never happened before. Which is weird, what is Texas prepared for? We were lucky enough in our area that our power and water didn’t go out. But just in case I made sure all of me and Tum’s devices were charged and that every battery bank of mine I could find was fully charged as well. I also made sure to keep candles either lit or nearby. I had never experienced snow before and while it was cool to see snow falling and see inches of snow outside as well as on my balcony; I had absolutely no snow gear so I couldn’t go play!

YouTube Channel Discoveries;

Anh Lin

How cute is her channel theme? I love that her channel focuses on home and gardening! I find the older I get the more I wish I was better at gardening (my mom is crazy talented with keeping every single one of her plants alive), but I can’t even keep a freakin Cactus alive. I don’t know. Is there hope for me?!

Muchelle B

I’d really like to start living a more mindful and fulfilling life. I feel like since moving to Texas I lost the freedom feeling of being inspired and my soul being where it belongs. And it sucks. It’s a weight I wake up with every single day. And I don’t know how to ease it or make it stop. So I’m trying to shift my perspective as much as I can before I lose my shit.

Watching videos like the ones Muchelle posts really helps me to remember the art of slow living (which has never been a thing for me). That taking care of ME is more important than anything else besides you know, paying bills and making sure my girls are fed. I’m working on it ok?

Amy Landino

I just recently stumbled on this channel, as in today. But we’re sticking with the self love, slow living, motivational videos.

Lavendaire

I love Aileen’s videos because as an Asian American it’s so easy to relate to. It provides some insight and that someone understands the struggles we go through with our parents and our upbringing — but also to say it out loud. I’ve always wanted to start a Filipino American blog, if anything to just get the trauma of it all out and hopefully find closure at the same time. Watching her videos have been truly therapeutic.

Koze / Kalyn Nicholson

Of course this all started years ago when I stumbled on Kalyn’s channel and when she created her brand/podcast Koze. The idea of slow living was beyond what I could understand at the time, but I loved watching her simple videos of doing things the cozy way.

Feb Reading Wrap Up;

Sadly I only read one book in Feb, but at least it was a book I really really liked, right?

I read and finished the second book in this series; the audiobooks are fantastic. I’m on Bridge of Souls now and I’m enjoying it just as much as I did the last 2. However Bridge of Souls is actually creepy. Like the concept is. But it takes place in New Orleans, I guess it has to be much more creepy than the rest. I’m scared to find out if this series is a trilogy, I’m not ready for it to end!

Tunnel of Bones is probably my favorite of the 3, and not because she was in Paris. Or because a ton of yum French foods were featured. Or because I’m obsessed with France. The story of the demon boy was so interesting. I get it was suppose to be creepy and I guess it could be but I could not stop listening. I didn’t dare to Google it and find out if it’s a true story or not. But I have been wanting to with a few of these!

Yes it’s a middle grade series, but it’s one of those MG reads that I would SO prefer over every genre. The friendship between Cass and Jacob is so wholesome. I ship their friendship; I won’t mess it up by saying I ship them. You don’t need to date your best friend, sometimes just being bff’s is enough.

February had a lot of ups and downs; things I’m still trying to deal with and make sense of, even if they’re tucked in the back of my mind. For now. But I’m confident I can figure this out, that I can make sense of these things.

So here’s to March; a month of starting the healing process. It’s gonna get wild ya’ll.

Word Vomit | Stress + Ulcers

I get headaches and migraines a lot when I stress out or just PMS and other things. When it rains/snows. I’ve been getting them since I was about 17 but never really thought too much of it — it was back before Google and everything was Ask Jeeves. I remember taking Motrin every 2 hours, no joke. And some days it would just linger for a week. These days it’s just the PMS ones that tend to last all week and that shit is annoying. Then I discovered Excedrin.

Just a little background, I’ve also had Ulcers a lot as a kid. For some reason mostly in the summer and I wouldn’t be able to drink Lemonade. I remember one other time I had one when I went to work; I worked at KFC at 17 and I remember whining to everyone I was closing with. It felt like this mass that just ached constantly. No matter how much I’d eat didn’t matter. It’s the most annoying thing ever. But I somehow survived. Guess I really wanted that $5.75 lol.

I later then learned that Excedrin can cause Ulcers if used too often. Which sucks because it’s like the fail safe way for me to get rid of my migraines. But some days I have to choose which pain would be better or worse. Tbh, they’re both freakin awful. It’s just switching places on my body that hurts.

Last week-ish I somehow got away with taking Excedrin with no side effects and my stupid ass got a little too hyped and fucked up. Now I feel like I have this never ending baby Ulcer or something. I’m not sure. I just know that I keep having this dull pain and when I’m hungry, I’m HUNGRY. Like tummy talking hungry. Which hardly ever happens.