I'm Hazel, a new mother who is learning to cope with postpartum depression. Previously diagnosed with mild anxiety, OCD and depression.
I enjoy blogging, reading, social media, gaming (PC, PS4 & Nintendo Switch/3DS), slice of life Anime, shopping, anything having to do with food, traveling, chasing my rescue cat Sophie around, Disney parks and tickling my Dim Sum baby!
What day is it? Cause I swear all week I’ve been behind 2 days at a time. How that’s possible? I have no freakin idea but as the parent of a toddler? Yeah, it definitely happens.
I was struggling with my mental health and with expressing myself. I just love how the closer we get to Christmas the more anxiety, dread and just I really don’t wanna be here/do this right now feeling comes back. I had the weirdest dream last night that my husband had some “small work party” yet it was like people were all over our 3 story mansion. I couldn’t even sneak away before someone else notices. I was going somewhere with this but I literally just dozed off writing that last sentence.
Hai guys, it’s now 1pm and I’m awake. I don’t remember writing any of that shit last night. But here we are lol.
I can’t believe Christmas is in a few days. I always feel like Christmas comes too fast. I still want to bask in the peppermint everything and the lights!
I tried to do OOTD photos for hazearella + having photos to post reviews about a clothing haul I did. That’s a Peppermint Marshmallow shake from Shake Shack. It was ok. This hoodie is from Shein and it’s cozy af. I love it. I just wish it had pockets. T is wearing a bunny raincoat I got her last Spring for Easter, it’s still super big on her. Thank goodness.
I’m still working on a title for this, suffer with me.
Also I never know what word is and isn’t capitalized in titles sometimes, so yes, also suffer that with me lol.
This week has been draining; I don’t know how SAHM’s do it. For years. Cause I’m ready to go back to work — happily!! I love my kid and the only reason why I’m so hesitant to go back to work is because I don’t have anyone here that I trust to watch her if I do work. My brother has been asking me what do I want in life lately and I wish it was that easy to say this or that and do it like I use to. I hate the idea of marriage because I don’t feel free. I don’t feel like I can be myself whole and unapologetic. And I hate it.
This week has also been a trip. A reality slap into well, reality. Things I can’t really talk about cause I feel like nowhere is even safe anymore. But it absolutely shook my foundation and I wasn’t expecting that to happen, at all. But it also went without explanation and a lot of reflecting. But hey, that’s life, right?
I’ve also been enjoying these homemade Peppermint Mocha’s, still have yet to get my red cup from Starbucks for this year. But at the same time… I’m not at all in the holiday spirit. I was, but now I’m not and it sucks. You’d think that having a kid and 3 tree’s in the house would idk, make it feel less empty I guess? But I’m right back to where I started. Granted I shouldn’t let other people change my mood or my intention for the holiday and yet I always do. Next year will be happier, I hope.
I’ve been missing my friends so fiercely lately. It makes my heart hurt even more when they say they miss me. I’m counting down the days until I see them all again and get my millions of hugs I requested from them. I did end up swapping gifts with a few of them — who have all said they weren’t going to open their’s until I got mine/on Christmas.
Found my favorite Sour Cherry candy from 8th grade!! I use to smack on these so hard and it would piss my cousin off lol. This is one of those childhood Dollar Tree finds. It’s been years since I saw these!
I got my clothing haul from Shein, and I’m trying to figure out how to do a haul video? Post? Idk. Clothing and me are so weird. Tums is wearing her Easter raincoat I got her from last Spring, it surprisingly still fits her. She also got to take her rainboots out of the house for the first time! Really wish I could find those baby shoes that light up that aren’t rainboots. Toddlers are impossible to take photos of. Goodness.
Speaking of; she got 3 new plushies yesterday at Game Stop. She also has been stacking things like crazy all over the apartment. I randomly find things stacked on things so nice and neatly. And she stole my eggroll while I was on the phone with my friend. Which is weird cause the box was right in front of me and I was looking in that direction the whole time?? Toddlers are sneaky.
My friend and I have always came up with like… secret club names. I don’t know why. We’ve always been this way. We started with MOD (which we should had taken more seriously), then with oG_3 and now like 18 years later (shit we’re old) we have MAS. It’s just what we do. But it’s nice having bits of the week feel like we’re just two teenagers on the phone feeling like high school all over again — until one of our children cries. Then that whole thing is just SHATTERED lol.
And some smaller things to note this week; I got my clammie of Department Store Santa from Honey Soda Co which I LOVE. I really need to post my hauls/reviews of her stuff cause they’re some of my favs from this year. But this scent literally makes my room smell like Starbucks in December. No joke. Not even “slightly” like SPOT FREAKN ON. It’s amazing.
I spotted some super fancy chocolate bars at Central Market. These always interest me but they’re also so expensive. I think this bar was like $9. That’s a dang investment lol. Some day I’ll do a taste test video. Maybe whenever JR gets to Texas! That’ll be fun!
I also finally, after like 4 months, got sushi. And you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find Udon around here?! Like we have Ramen places for days but Udon? Not so much.
I’m in a such a depressed mood today, ah. I’m really hoping I can cheer up before bed and do something productive that my future self can thank me for lol.
If there’s anything I look forward to every month it’s finding new favorites. And Amazon’s list for First Reads. It’s been awhile since I wrote a Favs list, and these were one of my favs to write!
November felt like it flew by, but then again most months do despite 2020 feeling like five years long. How that’s possible is beyond me but it’s 2020, things aren’t making sense that much around here.
Thank the person who tagged you and link to their post
Put the rules at the beginning of introduction
Answer the 12 questions
Tag 12 people to do the tag
Create all new questions of your own to ask the people you tag.
Favourite Christmas drink
Peppermint Mocha! Also Caramel Apple Latte from Starbucks
Favourite Christmas dessert
Cranberry Bark thing from Starbucks
Favourite Christmas movie
A Christmas Story, Serendipity, Misfit Island… there was one I watched last year but I don’t remember what it’s called! It was like Groundhog Day but for Christmas
Do you like going out in the cold?
I have anemia and eczema; I hate the cold
Do you like eggnog?
I think I’ve had it maybe once or twice? I don’t remember too much about it lol
Where is your ideal Christmas vacation?
Christmas at Disney was my fav when I lived/worked at Disney World but I’d also like to see real snow some day
Which book reminds you of Christmas?
The Night Before Christmas & If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I didn’t grow up on The Nutcracker sadly. YA books however I read Dash & Lily’s Book of Dares every Dec! I’m so excited it’s a Netflix show now! Also Hunger Games, Shatter Me and Matched remind me of Christmas.
Have you tried fruitcake? How was it?
I want to say I haven’t…. lol
Favourite Christmas dish
My Christmas dish tradition is Chinese take out!
Do you have a Christmas tree?
Yes! This year I have 3! I posted about the main one on hazearella this week!
Christmas song you are listening to…
It’s always All I Want For Christmas: Justin Bieber & MC. This is my favorite version of JB, he was so freakin cute. I would watch this video and “Beauty and the Beat” nonstop that year lol
Thoughts on Santa Claus?
I have a lot more questions than thoughts.
Story time! How I realized Santa wasn’t real:
When I was a kid there was this one year I wanted nothing but marbles. And I knew my mom thought they were a choking hazard even though why the hell would I put them in my mouth? And she told me “Santa just told me he ran out of marbles.” really mom? It was THE ONLY THING on my list. I’m still rolling my eyes when I think about this, 30 years later.
What is your favorite thing about the holiday season?
What was your favorite Christmas Tree?
Favorite thing to do on a cold rainy Winter day?
Favorite Holiday memory?
Favorite Holiday snack?
What is one thing you want to do this Holiday season?
How has Covid changed your Holiday plans?
Favorite Holiday Movie?
Favorite Holiday Book?
What’s on your movie queue for this month? Or your TBR?
When a beautiful aspiring writer strides into the East Village bookstore where Joe Goldberg works, he does what anyone would do: he Googles the name on her credit card.
There is only one Guinevere Beck in New York City. She has a public Facebook account and Tweets incessantly, telling Joe everything he needs to know: she is simply Beck to her friends, she went to Brown University, she lives on Bank Street, and she’ll be at a bar in Brooklyn tonight—the perfect place for a “chance” meeting.
As Joe invisibly and obsessively takes control of Beck’s life, he orchestrates a series of events to ensure Beck finds herself in his waiting arms. Moving from stalker to boyfriend, Joe transforms himself into Beck’s perfect man, all while quietly removing the obstacles that stand in their way—even if it means murder.
A terrifying exploration of how vulnerable we all are to stalking and manipulation, debut author Caroline Kepnes delivers a razor-sharp novel for our hyper-connected digital age.
I listened to this on audiobook via Scribd and loveeeeeeeeeeeeed it! Every single minute of it! I tried to make it background noise but I found myself stopping what I was doing and just staring at the wall listening to the audiobook. I feel like Joe’s inner thoughts are everything everyone thinks even though they’ll say they don’t. I get that we weren’t suppose to like Joe and I get that most people find what he did creepy but I may be in the minority here when I say “eh, it coulda been worse.” I mean come on, people read horror and thriller books with way worse stuff but Joe is a creeper. Okay.
I guess I say this because I definitely Googled my husband when I met him. I found his sisters social media, his address, saw his house on Google Maps… I mean if you know the right key words then yeah, you can find anyone. And people are curious. Beck had all her shit public so it’s not like she was trying to aim for privacy to begin with. Second of all, realistically who keeps 2 phones active knowing you dropped the other one and ANYONE could have it? KNOWING you’re logged into EVERYTHING on that phone?? I would not. Once I got a replacement that shit would be off and all my saved settings would be wiped! Like WHO does that?!
And I mean you have to admit; the people Joe went after really really had to goooooo. Esp the second one cause goodness they really got on my nerves. Like, seriously. Beck herself got on my nerves a lot. Joe coulda did so much better. There’s a whole world out there and you choose Beck? She doesn’t even know what she wants when it comes to… well anything. Like Joe dude, this girl is tiring by the chapter! MOVE ON!
Overall, this is the first book in AWHILE that actually totally caught my attention and one I looked forward to reading/finishing. I’m on the fence about reading the second book in the series and I barely started watching the show… I really need to set aside more time to watch shows. But I wasn’t really freaked out or anything from this book/concept.
I absolutely admire that the author somehow made it so that we cheered for Joe, it’s crazy. And crazy talented. Also, the audiobook was SO MUCH FUN and it’s read by the guy who plays Hans in Frozen. Not my favorite person, but he did an amazing job.
It’s also probably worth mentioning that Joe’s Tweets were freaking hilarious, just saying.
Have you read You? Were you rooting for or against Joe?
I don’t have a quote or anything for this week’s MMM, it’s just something that I was talking about with a friend. But it’s also something that’s been reoccurring here on my blog since I started MMM.
I want to manifest the ability to not be upset about comments about me that I know aren’t true.
I don’t know if it’s just the weather, the season, the depression… but my emotions have been heavy and harder to manage even with medication. I wish there was some magic way to gracefully ignore the things people say to and about you if you KNOW it’s not at all true. But I tend to feel and get in my feelings way too much. So things hurt longer and harder than they probably should.
I know I won’t achieve this in a week or even in a month. I’ve never really been too good at ignoring or letting go of certain things (my mom and bro-ko love to remind me I need to) but it is something I want to learn or control better.
I KNOW who I am, and things like this just make me feel like I don’t. It’s such a conflicting thing, for sure. But hopefully I can make moves, no matter how small, to get closer to this goal.
I want SOBADLY to bring this feature back to at least one of my blogs but it’s so time consuming and my Sunday’s (when I’d usually write them) is so packed with cleaning and prepping for the week. Today however, I’m going to attempt to do this even if it has to be the short version.
I managed to wrap, pack and ship 3 out of 5 holiday packages, before Dec 10th. THANK GOODNESS. My bank account may hate me, but whatever. I’d totally rather get it done early than scramble around like I usually do. There were so many new things at Bath & Body Works and I write all that kind of stuff on hazearella but I did grab hand soaps and body washes, my stores were completely sold out of candles for candle day/weekend which is nuts. I ended up exchanging my candles for store credit instead which is fine, do I really need more candles?!
This week has been a blur, but I feel like I spent a good amount of time just relaxing. I’ve been stressed out of my mind but you know, what can you really do?
Ironically one of my grocery stores has Peonies?! So of course I grabbed one. I also saw that Trader Joe’s has Calla’s but I forgot to grab one. Maybe next weekend. Tums found a new favorite show that has to do with a monkey get his ass whooped by other animals. It’s pretty funny but I don’t see how this is a show for kids. Tums seems to like it and I don’t know if I should be impressed or worried lol.
I also attempted to take more “Christmasy” pics of her for the Christmas card but I’m honestly at a loss at what I want the card to be. I wish we could do a family holiday photoshoot but Bubba doesn’t really like being in pictures. I will never understand what is it with guys and NOT wanting to be in photos, esp with their kids. It’s getting a little harder to take photos with Tums since all she wants to do is play, maybe this is why when people do family photos with a toddler it usually looks candid.
Our Hello Fresh* (here’s a code for $70 off) meal we made this week was Stuffed Bell Peppers and I really liked it. I ate everything, including the Bell Pepper which I usually don’t gravitate towards. Bubba also made me a homemade Peppermint Mocha with crushed up Candy Canes. He really went above and beyond with this one lol. It was so good. Like ridic how good it was, I had it two nights in a row! He also made Tums her own “Hot Chocolate” since she wanted my whipped cream lol.
Hit up my friend JR who I misssss! I love the friends that you can go months or YEARS not speaking to and falling back into conversation with them is just as easy as it’s always been. These are my types of people. Even if they all got jokes about me lol, can’t blame them, they’re 100% right lol. JR and I use to work at Six Flags together in Cash Control, so us and a bunch of other people spent 12-18 hours a day in a small room together counting money. Weird things happen when everyone is tired and hungry and just want to go home. But these people became friends and family to me and I’m so so glad I still talk to some of them even if it’s years apart. It reminded me of how much I miss being home in Cali and how much I miss being near friends and family. I miss knowing there were people there I could hang out with or just grab lunch with if I was in a bad mood. People who know how to read me and know how to handle my moods without judgement.
I never really feel lonely, ever. I’ve always been one to stay to myself and even though I have a lot of friends, I’m also good just being alone. But the longer I’m in Texas with absolutely no one who knows me that I’m able to hang around is really really starting to irritate my soul. I feel so isolated here. And my friends really do try super hard to make sure I don’t feel alone even if they’re in CA or FL but I also miss the vibes of those states. Texas feels like an angry mom who you have to walk around eggshells on and shit talks your every attempt to be creative. This is my least favorite state to live in. I don’t even feel like I can be 100% myself here without feeling like someone will have something to say.
Probably the root core of most of my anxiety and depression lately. Covid doesn’t fuckin help, at all.
Taking photos of a toddler is SO hard these days, like child just STOP moving for like 5 seconds. Tums got her rainboots I got her, they light up. She LOVES them. She’s been wearing them around the house like crazy every day since she got them.
Bubba got his advent calendar but he’s been giving them to Tums. Sigh. She’s ready to be potty trained as well and ironically I got a training potty for review. That I just had to stop mid blog post to put together since it came in. Looking at it now, it’s a kind of weird concept. So instead of changing diapers… I have to change this bowl thing?!
Yah this will be fun for my OCD, I can see it now.
As I mentioned before I’m aiming to read at least half of the 9 NetGalley books I have to review as well as a few fun reads on my TBR I’ve been putting off. I know I won’t get through all of these (hell I might not even get through the half for NetGalley) but ya girl is a dreamer so we’re gonna see how well we do at the end of the month!
I have the other 2 books in The Conjurer series but I heard you don’t have to read these in order.
I previously reviewed the sampler for Lore and ended up being approved for the full copy; I had mixed feelings by the end of the sampler so we’ll see how this goes!
I’m currently reading The Poppy and the Rose and The Last Tiara is one I really want to get to even though it doesn’t release until Feb. I’ve just in the mood for duel time frames lately.
I LOVE Scribd. Like it’s insane how much I love Scribd. But it’s such a great resource esp when buying new titles start to add up. Most new releases are audiobooks but there’s no wait list or hold time or anything which is nice!
This is a mix of holiday reads and some titles I’ve wanted to read that I feel like still fit the theme of “holidays”. For some reason I think of the Grim Reaper during Christmas? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. I’ve always had a Gregory Maguire on my TBR but haven’t gotten around to reading one of his titles yet, this one sounds perfect for the holiday season.
I thought I had more on my Kindle TBR but thankfully I only have 2 lol. The Haunting of Beatrix Greene is a lay over from Halloween, I tend to read most of what Rachel Hawkins writes. I loved Hex Hall so much so I’m down for anything supernatural she writes! I just love Sophie Kinsella (honestly who doesn’t)! Love Your Life has been on my radar for the last half of 2020, for sure.
I’m sweating from how ambitious this looks already. I can barely sleep and I really think I’m going to read all these books?! Well yeah, duh. Don’t I always? Ya’ll, send me good thoughts this month lol.
What are you looking forward to reading this December?
This post was suppose to go up yesterday, but it didn’t. And now today it’s going up late. I’m really kicking off December huh? To be fair though I did get this post up on hazearella at least. Though that was late as well.
It’s the LAST month of 2020. Thank. Freaking. Goodness! And I realized there are a lot of things I didn’t end up posting about. I’m not too into the idea of blogmas this year because I feel like I’m going to fail, again. But I will attempt to post more this month, including the book reviews I need to do!
If you want to see my detailed overly ambitious goals list for this month head over to hazearella. If not, keep reading!
| Blogging & Social Media
I’m thinking of giving up trying to perfect the ways of Instagram because holy shit is it just hard and not making sense anymore! But also I’m starting to feel like networking there is becoming impersonal. And that’s cool, whatever. Social media changes all the time, but it’s just not my cup of Coke. I do want to spend more time on Pinterest, Tailwind and Twitter. I wish I knew how Facebook pages worked cause that would be great too.
As far as blogging; I want to post everything that in the draft queue. Focus a bit more on talking about mental health and post a bit more about food on here. I know I have a whole different blog for that, but for some reason I just can’t seem to get it started. I really wish I had planned some Winter/Holiday content but a toddler and living somewhere with no friends or help and not an ounce of creativity in the air? Is rough. I usually surround myself with like-minded people. But I really dropped that ball several feet by moving to Texas.
I have a NetGalley TBR I want to get at least half way through. There’s also 2 Dec titles in there. One I’m currently working on and I’m REALLY hoping I can make it through this TBR. There’s also a few fun titles on my TBR I want to get into this month to somehow get me in the holiday spirit? I’m never actually in the “holiday spirit”. Christmas is my least favorite holiday and Winter is my least favorite season plus I’ve had some pretty shitty Christmases. December use to actually be my “dystopia” month, it started when I read The Hunger Games and Shatter Me in 2010/2009. But I figured this year I’d save the Winter/Xmas themed ones for December and see how it goes.
Man my bad mood is really just leaking all over this blog post, I’m sorry ya’ll. I’m just not having a good day lol.
I really want to set aside time to meditate again and start doing light yoga (idk how I’m going to meditate when it’s literally never quiet in this damn house). I also really want to go back to my previous diet of mostly veggies and greens. Lots of Tofu and Salmon. Just things that will make me feel better. I’m tired of always being tired and sluggish. I don’t know if it’s my diet or my medication. But either way, I just want to be healthier.
So there’s the short version of my December goals list!
What are some things you want to start or accomplish this month?
There’s nothing more discouraging than the holidays and seeing your blog stats drop.
I mean, I’m sure there are more discouraging events that are far worse but for me, in this moment, I’m struggling.
I have a serious love/hate relationship with Winter days and nights. I’ve always had pretty good memories of winter living at my mom’s house. It’s like the whole place was transformed into something cozy and filled with whatever that warm fuzzy holiday family feeling was. Lit candles, snacks and tree lights. But Christmas has never really been my favorite holiday. I’ve always preferred December to Christmas. I try to recreate the atmosphere my mom effortlessly did every single year, but I always feel like I fall short.
I also get seasonal depression, even with the warm fuzzy family feelings. And I never knew why or how. I mean I spent a lot of my child and teen hood battling depression but it got so much worse in the winter. It’s easier to manage now, and more annoying than anything when it comes back.
When it comes to blogging, there’s a ton of factors when things don’t work out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my content, my marketing, and find time through out the day to get everything I need to get done.
This week I want to manifest the reminder of my 3 year plan. The reminder that I’m capable of accomplishing anything I set my heart on. I’ve proved it to myself so many times through out the years. I CAN do this, I just have to WANT to. I need to remember to let go of petty small distractions; including my own thoughts. We’re creeping up to the last month of 2020; let’s see what I can accomplish in the next 31 days if I 100% put my mind to it!
What is something you’d like to manifest for yourself this week?