4 Things I Learned From My Relationship

4 Things I Learned From My Relationship

I’m not going to go into the whole backstory of this one, I thought I would but it’s a bit irrelevant and I’m sure no one actually cares. Just know that I was best friends with this guy since we were 14, he stopped me from committing suicide, he was the first guy I ever asked out and he rejected me. We stayed friends after that cause I’m not some butt hurt ass bitch. We had a close friendship through the years and recently he admitted he liked me all these years despite saying no as kids. Excuse me, but that’s a bit hard to believe since you dated and were drawn to all the popular girls (since he was popular) and really didn’t seem to have any romantic interest in me until now? That we’re adults and you can’t seem to get anyone else to date you? Uh, okay, sure. If my gut is telling me that that’s hard to believe, then guess who I’m going to believe.

During my separation from my husband, I started dating this guy and very quickly, I realized a shit ton of things. But we’ll narrow it down to 4 main things.

| The grass isn’t always greener on the other side

Sometimes the grass is just… dead. I said what I said. People who flaunt their income like it’s a personality trait are kind of a red flag and though it sounds nice, it usually isn’t. And I learned that no amount of money is worth being treated like trash. I honestly think a part of me was drawn to this because I grew up with my mom throwing money at me over actually showing me love and empathy. I’m use to wanting money over feelings but since becoming a mom, I see how toxic and unhealthy that mindset is.

Money doesn’t make you a better person or a reliable parent. Period.

| Just because they’re your “best friend” doesn’t mean they’ll make a good partner

Just because they protect and care for you as friends, does not mean they’ll always care just as much about you as your partner. Sadly, I hate that I learned this was a thing because it makes me think our whole friendship of 25 years was a lie. Or wasn’t real. And it’s even more disappointing because in my head I thought if I ever ended up with this guy it would be everything I thought it would be; but in reality it was kind of Hell. It was NOTHING like I thought it would be and the way he treated me as his partner was the most fucked up thing… esp after I ended up pregnant, his disrespect was more constant.

| Love bombing is a weird ass drug

Love bombing paired with having a history with someone can really fuck you up. You want to believe that person is capable of giving you what you need emotionally because why wouldn’t they but you realize that not everyone is capable of simple things. Like loyalty or honesty or empathy. And to cover/hide that fact, they love bomb cause that’s probably as much as their emotional gauge can handle at one time.

Love bombing in itself is a toxic trait and it’s hard to see when you’re in it, esp if you’re trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I can’t blame myself for staying as long as I did, despite wanting to leave way before I even got pregnant. Love bombing is def unfair and it’s shitty that someone can do that to someone they claim to “love” and “care about”.

| If your gut is telling you something is wrong or off, TRUST IT

I don’t know why I don’t do this faster since I should be able to be more aware of this feeling… but I just don’t. However, there was a lot that was going on behind my back that I didn’t realize until he stayed with me. And it wasn’t just picking up a phone call from his ex and basically flirting with her for an hour in the other room either. But that def set things off and made me sense other things.

An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation.

I hope to next time be more aware or have much more solid boundaries. But this was definitely a huge learning lesson and wake up call for me!

Brain Dump | 911, I don’t want to die

A few days ago I woke up with body aches… I thought maybe I was just getting sick. As the day progressed, I kept feeling worse and worse. I could barely eat anything and by the end of the night I threw up. By the time I got Tums to bed, I was pretty dizzy and feeling pretty weird. Thinking I was still just getting sick, I went to bed.

I woke up throwing up… a lot. About 7 times. At that point I realized something wasn’t right and I couldn’t text correctly. I called 911 because I legit felt like I was dying. I was having a hard time breathing, I was sweating like crazy, I felt like I was losing consciousness. I had both the girls with me and my husband was at work. I texted my MIL to come quickly, I think I’m dying. No questions asked, she said she was on her way.

I felt like I was on the phone with 911 for hours but my call log says 24 minutes.

I kept screaming saying “I don’t want to die” and I kept falling over losing consciousness. I then realized what if Tums was dying too? And I went into a whole different type of panic. By the time the medics got here, I wasn’t able to move or walk, I was dizzy. I told Tums she had to open the door and I followed her to the front door where she unlocked and opened it for the medics; she’s 4.

They came in and helped Winnie since she was crying and I got back on the bed. They wrapped me in a blanket and turned on the fan saying my room was really stuffy, but I was freezing. At this point my breathing was a little better, I was able to open my eyes but my vision was blurry and I realized… I couldn’t remember things. I knew my kids were in the room. I knew my MIL was too. But certain questions they asked me, I didn’t know the answers to.

They hooked me up to an IV and got some fluid in me. My MIL got me dressed and they escorted me to the ambulance. There they asked me general questions.. I didn’t know what year it was, what year I was born in, how old I was or who the president was. It was such a weird out of body experience.

I got to the hospital where they put me in a room and hooked me up to more stuff, asked more questions and let me rest a bit while they tried to figure things out. My husband got there shortly after. I told him I was scared, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why can’t I remember things. He went to get some of my stuff and the doctors came in to take blood, samples and run some tests.

The ER staff where I was was amazing. They made me feel comfortable and taken care of.

I finally was able to get an actual room and the staff there were equally as amazing. I love the staff at that hospital. It’s the same hospital I gave birth to Tums in and I had an amazing experience then also.

When I got to my own actual room, besides morning blood tests (which sucked) the only other tests they did were an MRI and a CT scan with that stupid liquid. It felt SO weird. The night nurse who took me though was really sweet and helpful.

The first day I was there they said they saw a high white blood cell count which meant an infection but they didn’t know exactly what kind. So they went with UTI, even though I didn’t have any UTI symptoms. By the last day the doctor came in and told me they found E. Coli in my blood test. I was responding to the antibiotics they were giving me fine so they sent me home with a similar one to take.

I’m 2 days post hospitalization and I’m still on and off dizzy, I have headaches and I feel out of it. The fact it was an E. Coli poisoning is such a scary thought. I couldn’t imagine if this happened to one of my kids. Hopefully I get back to feeling 100% soon. For now, I’m going to lay back down.

Hello April;

Oh, hey blog.

Long time no write.

It’s been crazy over here.

Aria was born 3 weeks early. I had a feeling she would come early… just not that early and surely now how she decided to leave the womb either. It was a smooth delivery, for what it was. Thankfully. Trying to find balance with a newborn and a toddler who is well into her terrible… I don’t even know anymore… is definitely a challenge.

This month I’m going to still try to take it easy and not expect too much of myself — it is my birth month though and Easter! Thankfully this year they’re not on the same day.

I do want to ease into creating again this month and playing some of my gaming backlog.

Here are a few things I hope to cross off my list for April;

→ Start blogging again

I’m waiting for my need to create to come back. I feel it inching closer and closer but it’s not 100% here just yet. But when it does come… I def want to be ready! I truly miss blogging and I’m debating on revamping my old blog (that’s on blogger) or just making a new one. There’s something about a fresh new blog/domain that makes me feel like I can turn it into whatever I want.

→ Set up my Twitch/YouTube stream

I’ve been on the hunt for a ton of cozy gamer games and I love that this is now a niche in the gaming community! I mean, I guess we were always here but I’m so glad there’s more other cozy gamers to find on social media and who make content! Makes me feel way less alone. That said, I really want to get back into streaming games, especially since I’m working on my new setup. Slightly regret that everything isn’t white but I’ll make it work somehow.

→ Set up/organize desk

This goes off that last one kind of. I miss taking product shots and being really happy with them. It’s been such a long while since I’ve actually liked a photo I took. I need to find a better way to display my controllers and where. This new desk I have is an L shaped desk so there’s a lot of space… but making it look put together is another thing. Especially when you have a toddler who wants to take over everything.

→ Redo my product shot corner

I have always had a small product shot corner on my bedroom dresser that is now crowded with drinks I need to throw away, meds from pregnancy and baby stuff. So, I need to do something about that. Also because it’s against the window, I think the lighting has not been the best. In the past it’s always been against the wall to the side of the window. Sigh.

→ Read 1-2 books

I’ve been slacking — once again — on my reading challenge. Last year was a total fail which is fine; it was a really hard and weird year for me, for sure. I don’t expect myself to had finished 25 books last year, at all. I’m hoping to read 1 or 2 books this month. I cut my reading challenge to 12 books for this year and I’m already 4 months behind lol.

I started reading Gallant by VE Schwab, The Archived by Victoria Schwab and Keeper of Enchanted Rooms by Charlie Holmberg. The first 2 being audiobooks and I still haven’t finished them lol. Oh and I also started listening to Arsenic and Adobo by Mia Manasala cause you know, Filipino reppin over here (plus Asian American month is coming).

→ Play 1 new game

My gaming backlog is just as bad my TBR. All over Xbox Game Pass, the Switch, Steam… hell even my tablet cause I just started playing an MMO mobile game I’ve been wanting to play. I need to figure out how to connect a controller to it so I can film gaming content. But this month I want to try one new game from my backlog. And actually play it. I’ve been stuck doing dailies on Disney Dreamlight and Animal Crossing lately. Which I mean.. I don’t even play the games foreal, I literally just do daily shit on them. And it’s not as satisfying as doing dailies on FFXIV, that’s for sure.

Spring is coming, but not fast enough. It’s an nice 90 degree’s here in Texas and I’m a little salty I’m not spending it outside. I can’t wait for Summer to get here! I’m so over these cold waves we’ve been having.

… and the baby is crying. At least I finally finished this post lol.

What is something you hope to start or accomplish in April?

Hello 2023, here’s my #onelittleword

Hello 2023, here’s my #onelittleword

Oh hey 2023, you’re here.

For the first time I don’t have an actual resolutions list. And I think I’m totally fine with that. If I learned anything in 2022 it’s that sometimes things don’t and won’t go the way you planned; especially if you’re like me and you’re completely driven by emotions. So whatever happens in 2023 just happens. Whatever comes by way, comes. And whatever finds its way out, just does.

I of course do have a #onelittleword for 2023;

★゜・。𝙱𝙾𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙴𝚂 。・゜☆

I’ve only recently discovered the power in boundaries. I wouldn’t say I was ever a people pleaser but I def didn’t have/struggled with boundaries in fear of upsetting others.

It wasn’t until I had Tums and realized how uncomfortable I was with certain things that I really didn’t like… of course setting boundaries is going to upset people and her dad’s mom was not happy every time I’d voice a boundary. But that made me realize just how important it is TO set boundaries. Without them people will just walk around disrespecting you like it’s fine.

2022 also taught me that boundaries are more important than ever. There are ways to tell if someone is truly in your corner or not and seeing boundaries for myself against those who I realized were not in my corner was definitely a difficult thing to do… but also much needed for my mental health.

This year I want to focus more on my boundaries, on building the foundation of a healthy life for myself mentally and emotionally.

Do you do #onelittleword? If you do, I’d love to know what word you picked for 2023!

Brain Dump | Merry Christmas Eve!

green pine leaves with brown rope
Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels.com

I feel like Christmas Eve came way too fast.

But I’ve also been disassociated for a few months now so… I’m sure that played a part in this whole thing. Sadly. We have a freeze warning here this weekend. I’m curious to know if it’ll snow. We don’t typically get snow until Jan/Feb so Dec would be super early. But judging how cold it’s been/going to be, I wouldn’t be surprised. I didn’t stock up on much cozies but we do have some cozy family things planned today.

Like making Hot Cocoa, watching Christmas movies and waiting to open Christmas gifts.

I typically can’t/don’t make it to midnight when it comes to Christmas or New Years Eve and with being in the third trimester now, I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s gonna be a struggle to get to midnight tonight lol.

I hope you all have a warm, safe and festive holiday weekend!

Blogmas ’22 | WordPress Daily Prompt

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

I’m failing so hard on Blogmas this year but it’s cool. It’s fine. This is fine.

I’ve never done a WP Daily Prompt but this one caught my attention.

A year ago my life was a little different. I was mostly angry and resentful. I hated where I was, I hated my marriage, I hated everything. It didn’t help that 2021 sucked. I lost my Sophie the same week we got COVID. Oh, and I got COVID. After trying so hard to not. But this is Texas, everyone here is going to get it at some point.

My life today is not how I pictured it a year ago and it’s crazy to see how much can happen and change in just one year. I didn’t think I’d be pregnant again; I had planned on never getting pregnant again. This is my 4th pregnancy, but I only gave birth once, so yah, do the math lol. I didn’t think I’d ever know what it would be like to be with my literal childhood crush/best friend. So that alone was… interesting. It was a relationship full of fancy restaurants, where money wasn’t a limitation, and I could have anything I wanted. It was kind of unreal.

I learned a lot in that experience alone… and was reminded of how dark things can change a person. He was always there to help pull me out of my dark growing up but I couldn’t pull him out of his or what was happening. I learned that I don’t have the time or tolerance to teach someone how to love me — despite knowing someone your whole life they can still not know you or not know how to love you. And that’s totally okay. Not everyone is meant for everyone.

I learned a bit about family and how disappointing that can all be. How much I wish my dad were still around. That sometimes parents know they SHOULD do better but that doesn’t mean they WILL do better. I learned my daughter loves me as I am, that everything else doesn’t matter. As long as she still gets mommy cuddles and kisses. Seeing things through a toddler’s eyes is amazing to witness.

I’m both curious and worried to see what the next year will bring.

Blogmas ’22 | The Christmas Questions Tag

Blogmas ’22 | The Christmas Questions Tag

I got this from Deandra over at The Black Princess Diaries! If you haven’t heard of her, I suggest you check out her blog. She has a ton of fun lifestyle posts!

What’s your favorite Christmas movie?

Serendipity is my go-to for the holiday/Winter season. But A Christmas Story is my go-to for Thanksgiving. I don’t typically watch it any other time for some reason… I should probably change that. But it was a tradition for me and my brother to load up our plates and watch it all day on Thanksgiving growing up since we were usually home alone… and high.

Have you ever had a white Christmas?

I actually never touched snow until a year after Tums was born and it snowed here in Texas. It was a random day in January, then it snowed all day again on Valentine’s Day. You’re so close from a white Christmas Texas… yet so so far.

Where do you usually spend your holiday?

At home. Like in my own apartment. Preferably by myself lol. I’m not big on holidays or being around family really. Part of why I moved states away lol. The kiddo and her dad usually go spend the day with his family and we open gifts on Christmas Eve. Butttt that’s about the extent of my Christmas-ness.

What is your favorite Christmas song?

It’s between Mistletoe by Justin Bieber and This Christmas by Chris Brown.

And the music video that made me fall in love with Justin Bieber; All I Want For Christmas is You.

Do you open any presents on Christmas Eve?

Yup! And all the way up to King’s Day.

Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?

I just went through a mental list and… that’s a no.

What holiday traditions are you looking forward to this year?

I’m currently sick + pregnant so my bloated ass isn’t trying to go outside in this cold lol. I did want to take Tums to see some light events around our area I’ve always wanted to do… we do plan on taking her to Sea World also, so hopefully we’ll all feel better by then to actually go do that.

Is your Christmas tree real or fake?

FAAAAKE! I did a real tree once and hated it! It didn’t even smell as strong as I thought it would and required maintenance. Then when it died.. holy dead needles. Never tf again.

What is your favorite holiday food/snack?

I’m not sure… it used to be Peppermint Bark but honestly I think I’ve only had 1 or 2 Peppermint Mocha’s this year. The Sugar Plum Cheese danish from Starbucks is pretty good oh and the Cranberry Bliss Bar! Non Starbucks snacks though? Other than my Hickory Farms favs I don’t really have one lol.

Be honest, do you like giving or receiving gifts better?

Receiving. I’m not gonna lie. Plus I think I suck at gift giving when aiming with a deadline. I’m better at seeing things in stores randomly and thinking “oh so and so would like this!”

What is the best Christmas present you ever received?

I’m gonna go with my Apple Pencil and my KitchenAid even though I’ve only used it once. I’ve wanted one forever.

What is your dream place to visit for the holiday season?

Disney World, duh. Or Disneyland since they have The Nightmare Before Christmas Haunted Mansion!

Are you a pro present wrapper?

Not really. Some things are way easier to wrap than others. And if I give up, in a gift bag you alllllllllllllllllllllll go.

Most memorable Christmas memory?

That one time in 2013 I completely cancelled Christmas because my husband at the time was a fuckin asshole. Okay maybe going to Disneyland for Christmas for the first (and only) time when I was 21. And maybe the Christmas before Tums was born. That was probably the best tree and best Christmas theme/aesthetic we had.

What made you realize the truth about Santa?

This one time I wanted marbles for Christmas. Like literally the only thing I wanted. I was probably 6 or 7? My mom kept saying she “talked to Santa and he said he didn’t have any”. I think she was scared I’d choke on them or something stupid. But my overthinking ass figured out Santa wasn’t real after that lol.

What makes the holidays special for you?

The fact I get to celebrate Christmas Day alllllooonneee doing nothinnnnnggg if I want to and eat ice cream and watch movies I grew up with all day.

Blogmas ’22 | Disney Springs Review: Everglazed Donuts

In the last 10 years Disney Springs has gone through a lot of changes. A lot of new and interesting places have opened up and honestly, I’m thankful they weren’t around when I was still working there otherwise there goes my paycheck… along with all the fucks I gave.

Everglazed Donuts is located on the West Side area of Disney Springs, right next to the AMC theater.

Their set up is a lot like Dunkin Donuts with the way that the donuts are displayed. They have a bunch of unique flavors including Purple Glazed Ube which I was super surprised to see!

They also have a food (and coffee) menu that features a donut burger and chicken sandwich. When I lived in Florida there was a place that had this pretty amazing donut burger. I wasn’t able to try it this time around, but I do plan on trying it next time!

I grabbed 4 of the donuts which are freakin huge:

Glazed, 50th Anniversary, Ube & Strawberry with Sprinkles

I was expecting them to be placed in a donut box but as you can see, they’re in individual containers.

Continue reading “Blogmas ’22 | Disney Springs Review: Everglazed Donuts”

Hello December + Blogmas!

And just like that, it’s already December.

Happy Blogmas to those of you who plan on doing it this year. I’m still undecided if I am or not. I’m just really hoping this post goes up on the first tbh lol. Not sure if I’ll have the time to invest in keeping up with Blogmas since it somehow slipped my mind that December was even coming up; pregnancy brain. It’s real and it sucks.

I don’t want to over goal myself (there’s a word for this, I just can’t think of it at the moment) this month. Especially since I’m late on putting up my Christmas tree and the rest of the apartment decor. I don’t know how time just moved so fast past me.

| Put up the Christmas Tree

I usually have this up by October. This year that didn’t happen. October was a pretty emotionally draining month for me and a bit of November as well. Christmas was the last thing on my mind honestly. Despite knowing it would cheer me up a bit… I still didn’t feel too invested in it. Now it’s December and I feel like I’m late to my own important date. I’m hoping to get the tree up at least before the weekend is over! Unfortunately it’s not as well thought out or going to be as decorated as the previous tree’s we’ve had but this year itself has just been… weird.

| Christmasfy the apartment

Same thing along the lines with the tree thing; I need to update the fairy lights in my room as well as put down the fairy lights and garland by the TV (and someday upgrade that TV cause having a non smart TV is not the move).

| Bake something

I’ve had my kitchen aid for a year now and I’ve only baked one thing. Like?? Not cool. Plus I’ve always wanted to get in the holiday spirit by baking.

| Watch Christmas movies

I use to make it a point to watch a certain amount of Christmas movies… and I have a few that I watch every year. I think I skipped this tradition last year so I wanna make up for it this year.

| Go to 1 Christmas event

I hate the cold. And it doesn’t help that it’s started snowing here in TX in the winter. I’ve always wanted to do Enchantment or the Gaylord stuff but always decided against it since it’s just too cold for my liking.

Tums is old enough to remember/retain things now so maybe I should suck it up and go to something this year.

| Tidy for the New Year

I say this every December. And I always have high hopes I’ll really do it this time. Truthfully I get overwhelmed with how much stuff I do have.

I really want to minimize the stuff I do have… or have homes for them instead of just piling stuff up on a bookshelf or something…

Plus after all the fuckery of 2022, I want to go into 2023 at least with a tidy home.

| Read 3 books

My TBR has been suffering this year with all things considered… I’m def not going to hit my goal of 25 books read but I at least want to get through some of these books. I’ll try to do better next year… maybe lower my goal.

I’m sure I’m missing something important but I’ll get mad at myself when I remember lol.

What are your goals for December?

Monthly Favs | Nov 2022

Monthly Favs | Nov 2022

This year has been crazy. And by crazy I mean crazy.

The way the year began and the way it’s ending are totally different. As someone who thought they had learned a lot from past experiences, I still had a lot more to learn. I have learned a lot more.

There’s so much more I want to say… but I really don’t know how just yet. I’m trying to go back to focusing on the things that make me happy and feel gratitude.

| Family Dates

We started going on family dates. Well we would go out to lunch and it was Tums who would call it a family date. Super cute, right? I forgot that date nights usually meant date night gifts. Every time Bubba took me on an actual date night there would always be a gift waiting for me.

He also got me this self help book I wanted by Lin – Manuel Miranda literally ran into B&N 3 minutes before they closed and grabbed me this book because I was talking about it earlier that day. Super thoughtful.

| Comfort Foods

I was able to get L&L which is like an hour away. Not too far but far enough. They serve Tocino which is a Filipino breakfast plate (and one of my favs) so I got an order of that to go. Did I pick at it before sticking it in the fridge for the next day? HELL YEAH. Also got one of my fav L&L plates, the BBQ Chicken. I use to get this every single day after school. Oh the memories…

Upside to being married to someone who’s Mexican? Requesting things like Elote and Caldo when you’re in need of some soul comfort food. I love the way he makes Elote. It’s always so warm and comforting. I also love that requesting Caldo doesn’t get questioned.

Strawberry pancakes with whipped cream and strawberry sauce; “you two are the only people who will make pancakes a dessert and want it for breakfast”. Me and Tums do fight over them though lol.

Continue reading “Monthly Favs | Nov 2022”