Brain Dump | Back On This BS

I had every intention to write an actual blog post the next time I updated but for some reason I just couldn’t finish any of the blog posts I’d start. I kept censoring myself because ironically in 2022 I learned the luxury of privacy and I’m actual kind of… enjoying it.

I’ve always been a transparent open book; you can’t start rumors or shit talk me because everything you could possibly say is already written in a blog somewhere publicly for anyone to read. It doesn’t stop people from trying though. But those who know me, at all, know that if it were really worth something listening to *I* would had already said something before anyone else and anything outside of that is a rumor and a lie.

My first ex husband and I had a rule: don’t ask, don’t tell.

We were entitled to our privacy and our choice if there was something we really didn’t feel like talking about right then and there. And for a good decade, it worked out really well for us. It taught me however to avoid the truth. I don’t like to lie, ever. And I don’t lie about anything significant. I use to lie a lot growing up and do you know how draining it is to remember lies? I can’t be bothered now as an adult to remember shit like that so I just don’t lie. Plus, again, I’m an open book. What do you want to know? I’ll be happy to tell you. Own who you are. Own your mistakes. Your demons. Your trauma. Cause if you do, that’s a power no one can take from you.

There are a lot of things happening in my life right now that I can not wait to talk about when I finally can/want to. I’ve been reminded just how solid and how loyal my support system is. I have been reminded how much my family cares about me despite “not being close”. They are loyal. They are hands down ride or die’s and they would, no matter how long time has passed, always have my back with whatever I need. No questions, no judgment and no record keeping.

I’m reminded of how much my bff loves me. He’s always been really compassionate and protective over me. And it’s crazy that twenty two years later he’s still just as protective. Just as willing to do whatever he can to make sure I’m okay and taken care of. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friendship like this, but I am beyond thankful for it. I’m mid key thankful he saved my life as kids lol; sometimes I wonder why I even listened to his pleas to make me put the pills down. To get me to go to church. To convince me to keep holding on. I’m truly lucky to have so many people care so much about me. That distance doesn’t matter, I’m never alone. To have people blow up my phone just to make sure I took my meds, I ate today, I filled orders.

My whole gaming set up has been upgraded. The whole thing. The downside is I’m realizing my PC doesn’t have USB 3.0 so I can’t get my capture card to register. So no Nintendo streams until I fix that. But I have been streaming again and I actually streamed a new demo game that I’m pretty excited about. I do need to figure something out about the lighting in my office cause with the webcam it’s not the best. It kind of annoys me. And I need to find speakers because despite having a gaming monitor, it does not have speakers. Make it make sense. I’m planning a relaunch for my shop in August by my one year anniversary. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year!

I need to start getting to work! Hope you are all doing well!

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck lately. Like in some weird whack ass limbo space and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. It feels like I’m fighting against a current to just do anything remotely productive.

Maybe I’m just supposed to chill. Maybe I’m just supposed to rest. Plan my next move.

But I’m the type to never rest.

I hate taking naps. I hate wasting a whole day doing nothing. I hate waking up late.

I always feel like I should be doing and achieving more. I feel like there’s so much to learn and see to sleep.

Thinking of this weird space as a setback is also messing with my mental health. I’m spending way too much time worried about why and how did I get here. And not enough time focusing on what to do now. Life is going to keep moving forward, with or without you. Life, time, the universe… it doesn’t wait for anyone.

This week I want to focus on taking better care of myself. Eating better. Sleeping better. Planning out my day better. Once I figure that part out, I can figure out the rest. But for now; the first two really need to be a priority.

What’s something you want to focus on this week?

Brain Dump | This Shi Again

I have a forever pimple on my scalp and it’s really making the left side of my head hurt? I don’t know how to explain it. But I should probably stop fuckin with it. A friend told me recently I need to stop cussing so much in my posts cause it makes it lose its integrity. Fuck that. Freedom of speech mf. Keep scrolling if you’re bothered.

My daily routine of Cherry Cokes have no been replaced with mf Red Bull. So over the last 2 weeks I’ve been at an 8 and my poor cousin has had to suffer while my mind is running a mile a second. But I’ve never felt this awake in years so I’m going to bask in the fact that I’m not some weird underlying type of tired. Why did I stay away from these again?

I’m in a weird limbo state in my life — I want to talk about it but I kind of can’t. But then I don’t think I ever want to talk about it either? It’s such a weird thing. It tests my ability to be transparent and I hate that.\

Me: Ahhh! There’s a CRICKET in the grass!
Thiswae: DO YOU SEE THE RED FLAG ITS HOLDING UP MF?!

Gotta love when my brother refuses to let me escape a subject. Mf. There’s a fine line between coming at someone from a place of empathy and love and just being a straight up controlling bitch. It’s a very fine line. But let’s talk about control. Like what’s up with that? LET PEOPLE BE THEM. At the end of the day, they’ll do whatever tf they want. AS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO. Why come into someone’s life just to tell them what to do? Just to mold them into who you want? Go get you a block of clay with that shit.

Jealousy is toxic
Insecurities are toxic

Fite me.

And if you cared about someone you would address this shit and not just go behind their back and not say shit. By all means, do whatever strokes your ego, but don’t be upset when it results in trust being broken. That’s on you. Handle that insecurity or whatever it is before coming to someone. I swear, the older people get, the DUMBER they are. I need to surround myself with people who are TRULY committed to self-improvement, productivity and mf shadow work. I have trauma only works for so long. GET. IT. TOGETHER. Or go find people who are on the same spiritual level as you. Cause the rest of us do not have the patience to do your healing for you.

I think for the rest of May I’m going to work on Marie Condo-ing my entire life. I’ll keep you all updated on how that goes.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It always amazes me how people react to your boundaries. How pressed some people get when you stand strong by them. And it’s always so strange when it happens. Mostly because why does what I allow into my space upset you so much?! The reaction doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it’s just because other people’s boundaries don’t upset me? I don’t know. Everyone has their own preferences, their own ideals and their own perception of things. Isn’t that what free will is?!

Then again I have no desire to control anyone.
Ok maybe I do, but you know, that’s a different story.
But even then, I truly don’t. That’s just me being petty.

It blows my mind how long I went refusing to see my worth. Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? At the end of it all, it was me who refused to see my own worth. It was me who thought I deserved less than what I truly do deserve. And although it was external opinions that got me here, I should had known better. No one knows you better than you know yourself.

I know a lot of my MMM posts tend to revolve around the same ideas/ideals but this is just a realistic look at how often we have to remind ourselves of our worth. Of our progress. Of how often we have to find ways to hold ourselves accountable to remember that we’re worthy of more.

So this week (even if I’m writing/posting this on Thursday, work with me here) I want to remind myself that accepting my worth will mean losing people. But the people I lose are really not a loss at all. And if people can’t respect your boundaries or care about your well being, they’re not worthy of having a spot in your life or in your energy.

Brain Dump | The Steady Struggle

I’ll be honest, nothing too new has been happening. I’ve settled into a sort of comfortable routine. One that makes it so I get my daughter for a week then her dad gets her for a week and on and on and on. It is strange on the weeks she’s not with me. And the week that she is, I feel like they go by way too fast. But she’s settled into our normal routine from before all of this happened.

I’ve jumped back on FFXIV as I’ve mentioned before. I got my Weaver to 90 and I’m still nowhere near Endwalker. My Fisher is about to hit 90 as well. I just really don’t enjoy doing MSQ. I know I should get it done though if I want to experience the new area’s. I heard Cozy Grove got a DLC update and I don’t even know when was the last time I turned my Switch Lite on. I did get CG for the PS5 too so I could stream. But we’ll see. I also picked up a few cute indie games. Still want Kingdom Hearts though and since my PS5 is digital only, I’ll have to re-buy it (I don’t mind digital only honestly — most of my games on my PSN are digital because I move so much. It wouldn’t make sense to have a ton of physical games).

My BFF is house hunting in my area but he hasn’t decided if he likes or dislikes Texas. He wants to invest in buying a house here because compared to California it’s ridiculously cheap and if he’s able to pay it off quickly he can turn it into an Air B&B or rent it out. And with as many people trying to move to TX as there is, it’s a pretty smart move. If you have the money to do it.

Along with that though, I’ve been reminded of things within the Filipino culture I never really paid much attention to. But the more time I witness my BFF and his own parents interaction, the more I’m being reminded of things I lonnnnng forgot about. And it makes me question why Filipino parents — mom’s mostly — are like this? Of course asking my own mom isn’t helpful since she too was guilty of the same thing (and honestly probably still is) so she like to be “unaware” as she’s tried to reason with me about his parents actions. But I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I left home a long time ago and my mom know’s there really isn’t much she can say to make me do what she wants.

That’s the thing about me: at the end of the day I will always do what I want.

It’s my toxic trait. Or not toxic. I don’t think it’s toxic. But the people who don’t like that you have boundaries will say it’s toxic. Well sip sip mf, drink that poison.

I filed for the divorce and holyyyy crap does it suck. Just sending in the papers to the courthouse was close to $500! Like wtf? When I got divorced without kids the last time I didn’t even have to pay anything until AFTER my court hearing. But I had to pay this upfront and there was no way around it?! And this is just the first part! Like wth Texas?! Why is getting divorced with a child 1) so freakin complicated and 2) so expensive?! Like bro, is it not bad enough that I have to battle for custody? WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED?! This is freakin ridiculous! Next time I say I’m getting married, someone just slap me in the back of the head with a 2×4. K? Thanks. There’s also a 61 day waiting period before we can get a court date. So I feel like the next 2 months are going to be some weird Twilight Zone limbo state.

In the mean time I will be re-enrolling into school to finish my BS in Comm and I’ll be applying to remote Comm jobs mostly in my area. I really need to fix my credit and find financial health. Is there somewhere most adults buy it from? Cause some adult things are way beyond me.

Meanwhile my BFF is dropping $200+ on brunch every time he takes me out to eat in Napa.

To be fair, I’m really really proud of him. When we were kids trying to drop out (or you know, I was trying to kill myself) we made a promise. He would come back to Bethel High senior year and he would be sitting right next to me when we graduated high school. That kept me going to finish high school; because we promised. Senior year however, I got kicked out of Bethel and sent to a Continuation High School and Dru managed to go back to Bethel. I went to see him on campus on days I either got out of school early or didn’t go to school. He ended up dropping out before graduation though because honestly Bethel was crap. He ended up getting his GED, I ended up repeating senior year and didn’t graduate high school until 2004 instead of 2003. And we lost touch for awhile. We’ve done and accomplished a lot since high school. He now works as an oil refinery operator and firefighter making six figures, has a crazy high credit score, owns a timeshare in Cancun and an Rx7. Wasn’t the car we talked about as kids that we would get, but at least one of us got their race car.

Proof you don’t have to be ~perfect~ at high school to make it in life. You just have to be determined and driven to be more. High School isn’t for everyone — it def wasn’t it for us — but we’re far from being nothing just because of it. Except you know, we’re still the black sheep of our families. But it’s cool. Who wants to fit in anyway lol.

I wish I had a story to tell that makes me six figures, but I don’t. Not yet. I just started to crawl out of a deep dark depression and I finally feel like I can breathe again. I guess that’s a success story on its own, right? I’m still adjusting to motherhood because every new phase is a new challenge in itself.

I’ll be alright. I always am. I just gotta focus on my goals. And on coming back here to write so Thiswae can stop saying she’s a blogger, kinda, not really, but she is but she not lol. Eff you bro. I know you say it to piss me off and get me to write. And it’s kinda working.

Watch this though.

Gaming; PlayStation 5 & Jumping on FFXIV

After a crap long time of searching, I finally got my hands on a PS5 and I’m so excited!

I called a bunch of Best Buy’s in my city searching for one and my BFF bought me one for my birthday. Well he offered to since he’s trying to get me to get back on FFXIV for some odd reason; so I went searching for one and he literally didn’t even hesitate to get it for me. Along with a purple controller. I’m freaking in love with this console! Everything is so much faster, clearer and runs smoother.

I teleported to Limsa just to see what the lag would be like, there wasn’t any. For the first time ever people weren’t loading in, they were just.. there. It was insane.

There are so many new features to the PS5 that are dope as hell. One being how easy it is to start streaming. Granted, there isn’t a webcam and you’ll need one specific to the PlayStation, but the ease of hitting broadcast and filling out your streaming info is so much easier than it was on the PS4, not just that but it doesn’t lag or get in the way of your game. Taking screenshots is a bit different and there are so many more options including being able to record your game play. But sharing to a profile after taking a screenshot is so much easier and faster! I love it!

Continue reading “Gaming; PlayStation 5 & Jumping on FFXIV”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, huh?

Have I mentioned I love reading/watching/immersing myself in things that make me question my mortality? I realized this last weekend that I need to really figure out how to change my perspective when it comes to loss and death. As someone who jokes about suicide as much as I do, you’d think I had a pretty solid grasp on the concept of death, but I really don’t. Life is much easier lived when you don’t feel like you have anything to lose, that’s for sure. Part of the reason why I never wanted kids, I never wanted to be responsible for their loss of a parent if some day I wasn’t able to fight my demons.

Although, now that I’m in my mid 30’s, me and my demons have a bit of an understanding. At least way more of an understanding than we’ve ever had before. But it took a lot of soul searching, shadow work and expressing myself to get here. It also took a lot of loss. Because with every hard moment, with every loss, with every life changing experience you gain something. And if you don’t, you’re a robot. Seriously.

My cousin brought something to my attention a few hours ago — that if I want something, I do everything to make it happen. The trick is wanting it. And it reminded me that that’s a thing I’ve always had in my hand.

The universe will always give you what you ask for.

Manifestation is a real thing. And looking back at my life, I can’t deny that. At all. Because even the smallest things can be manifested. Not missing your flight. Sometimes running into someone you want to run into. Just things like that have always happened for me, if I wanted it.

There is so much more I want to say on a more personal level but I can’t seem to get myself to write it. No matter how much I try. I hate that. I hate that I let other people who may be lurking impact what I say here. I’m really hoping that with the next step of my life I’ll be able to let go of that fear and just be free to say what I want here and on social media. It’s been a very paralyzing few years. I almost have to force myself to write and remind myself of why I’m here. And it’s not for them.

Just know I’m good.

I’m so good. I’m such a sucker for new beginnings. And this time is no exception. I’ve learned what I will and what I sure as hell won’t stand ever again. I know what my worth is. I know how valuable my time and energy is. I was reminded that bad energy will make you sick. That if I can cut off family members, I can cut off anyone.

Reminding yourself of your worth is always a hard thing to maintain. I never understand why. Why is it so hard to remember what we are worth? But so easy to remember lies people tell us about ourselves? No one knows you better than YOU know YOU. People can say what they want, none of it could be true but you’d believe every word. This is the kind of thing that confuses the universe.

This week I want to be more mindful of how I consider my worth. I want to be better at reminding myself OF my worth and that no matter what happens, the universe has my back. Always has.

What’s something you want to manifest this week?

Brain Dump | Separation & Divorce

I don’t even know how to begin this honestly.

I haven’t been as active as I’d like to be because it seems 2022 is just a year of realization and the last few months have been just super emotionally draining. I found the courage to do what I needed to do years ago but of course, people hate when you find courage to do something that doesn’t fit their narrative.

I make it no secret that I’m a traveler, a content creator, I chase dreams and magic and I don’t let anyone stand in my way. This is my life to live and no one can tell me how to live it. My happiness and my mental health have taken the backseat long enough. I fuckin hate being lied to, manipulated and most of all fuckin gaslit. I hate Texas and being a mother has been a bigger struggle than I ever thought it would be. I’m not the type to be satisfied with marriage, a family and a house. That’s never been my vision for myself. I don’t need someone else to complete me. Like my cousin likes to tell people: she can do bad all by herself.

It’s disappointing to find out someone who claims to care about you doesn’t have actions that line up with their words. And it’s even more draining when they refuse to hear you because you’re not saying what they want to hear. Since kicking Tums dad out I’ve been able to think so much more clearly without fear and without dread. And for the record, just because someone doesn’t hit you isn’t grounds to assume that their energy doesn’t make you uncomfortable. That’s not something that should even be a punchline.

So women should have no reason to feel uncomfortable around guys who harass them? Cause that makes zero fuckin sense. Yes I’m uncomfortable. Yes I have some sort of sex PTSD where I think if I wake up a guy — any guy straight or gay — from a nap I think they’ll ask me for sex. Or if a guy is nice to me even if they’ve known me their whole life, I’m suppose to owe them sex. And I honestly didn’t realize I had this weird ass trauma until I went to see my friends back home — most of which are all guys. And that thought crossing my mind around dudes I know would NEVER EVER HURT OR DISRESPECT ME was such a huge problem. There were things I said that they would say “you don’t sound like Hazel, at all, what’s going on?” and there’s so much of me that was locked in fear that I was severely unaware of.

My cousin and my BFF have been such helpful people the last few months. They call and check on me constantly to make sure I’m ok. That I’m good. That if I need anything at all to never hesitate to ask. My BFF was dope enough to help me pay my rent this month since Tums dad didn’t have rent and really had no plans on finding rent which would equal to me being evicted and a negative score on my credit report. And this is why I don’t like living with anyone. I’m so tired of housing dudes who can’t be responsible for finances or how to maintain a credit score. Or hell even to just be mindful of someone else’s credit score.

There’s so much I want to say and I’m not sure how to say it without naming names; this is difficult. I can’t even brain dump shit that’s weighing on my mental health because people stalk my shit and my blogs and I honestly can’t wait to be out of here and far from these people and this place. I can’t heal in the same place that broke me. That’s exactly why I left California.

So for the lack of activity here and on my social media — this is what’s been going on. Dealing with a gaslighting soon to be ex husband, trying to figure out what to do about my apartment and living situation and trying to figure out how to deal with custody. I’m pretty drained at the end of the day. But at least I’ve been getting sleep, if anything.

Brain Dump | Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of those super toxic things that manipulative people do that really really messes with your psych. And it’s also one of those things that when you start to see it happening — it literally pisses you off. Partly because the freakin audacity and also because that no matter what you say or how you try to defend yourself, the person doing the gaslighting believes in their version so much there’s absolutely no way for you to ever find closure from this conversation.

Imagine years of that. Over and over and over. Now throw in having a miscarriage and a child. Followed by postpartum depression. People telling you PPD isn’t real and expressing your fear that someone is going to take your child (the third pregnancy you had and the first child you birth at full term). Having people “assure you” they “would never”.

Having the courage to finally say enough is enough and those same people telling you that your child “isn’t allowed” to move to your home state with you. Why? No fuckin clue tbh since I’m the one who spent the last 3 years watching her and making sure all the clothes that ~magically~ ended up lost were replaced. That she had formula. That she was never without health insurance. And now I’m being told because I want to move back to my home state where my family and friends are — so I can heal — FROM LIVING HERE — that my child can’t come with me.

I can’t describe the anxiety or the anger I have about this. There’s just so much I want to say but knowing that those people know where to find my blog — it’s hard to say anything. Literally. ANYTHING without somehow causing drama. If you don’t like what I’m talking about quit reading my fuckin blog. There’s a whole ass internet out there! Find something else to read! LIKE A BOOK.

I don’t get people. I don’t get how they could think certain things are okay.

And yes I’ve gotten shit about “not fighting hard enough”. But the truth is, have ya’ll ever had an argument with someone who does nothing but gaslight you?! It’s literally the most energy draining shit you could throw yourself into. And yes, so what, you gotta do what you do but the trauma over the years it’s caused has cut deep. And I didn’t realize how deep until recently. I’m constantly between fuck this shit and I don’t want to deal with being emotionally drained. I know in the end it’s Tums who will pay the price. And I wish I could just break out of this funk and just blow up like I normally do about shit like this.

Over the last few months it’s just crazy to see how much I’m seeing and catching up to. And wondering how did I not see this shit before?! Even if you’re super familiar with gaslighting and you know it’s happened to you before; it’s just crazy when you’re back in it with someone else and how long it takes you to see

It just really sucks and I don’t know how to fix what I’m feeling.

Hello April~

Welcome to my birthday month and Aries season!

Aries season doesn’t seem to be the best season for my fellow Aries this year. I’ll try again in the Fall when everything dies I mean, preps for rebirth. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

Both my BFF and I have gotten into streaming this passed week and we’re trying to find ways to set up our Twitch channels. If you’re into Call of Duty and GTA go give him a follow even though he only streams SUPER late at night. I moderate it if I’m up. If you’re into cozy gaming and just chillen out give me a follow. I don’t have a set schedule just yet. So far I just stream FFXIV as I get use to it and the new changes they’ve made to the hot bars. So if you wanna watch me run around like an idiot for a bit, feel free to!

The depression from March prevented me from planning anything for my birthday this year so… that sucks. Maybe I should just stick to planning my birthday in Dec/Jan when I’m not hit with trauma and depression. I’m really hoping next year I’ll be in a much better head space when Tums birthday comes up. I’m hoping distance and being surrounded by my actual support system with help me heal.

| Figure out what to do with moving

The whole rent situation for April took a turn so having to figure out how to get the other half of rent was pretty stressful. I’m thankful for the friends I have who are always willing to help me.

| Set up the streaming

I pulled my ACNH Switch back out again and I need to reinstall my capture card. So far I’ve only been streaming FFXIV but I really want to stream Switch and PC games too.

| Get back to a healthy lifestyle [ better eating choices, meditation, yoga, working out ]

I really want to achieve this this year. It’s so hard to start though. But once you do, and you get a routine going, it’s effortless. It’s just getting there. I mostly want to stop pulling my lower back and work on my mental health starting with fitness.

| Find something fun or chill to do for my birthday day

I really have no plans for my birthday this year. The whole depression of March took over my mind space. I did try to book a trip to Disney but it’s all booked up since my birthday falls on Easter week (at least it’s not ON Easter this year) and honestly it was too expensive to even fly anywhere from TX. A friend of mine from home is coming out here though so I may hang out with them. I miss my friends and I wish I could had at least just flown out to NorCal.

| Schedule a trip to Disney World before Flower & Garden ends

This kinda falls in the same as the last — Flower & Garden ends in July so I’m really hoping to make it there before then! F&G is one of my favorite events at Disney World, period!

| Revamp this blog

I want to do some blog post updates, SEO updates, change the subjects/topics and sort of just find a stable niche for this blog. I feel like I’m all over the place sometimes.

| Revamp + add new products to the shop

I def need a new logo and banner design and I need to design more clothing. I also need to start doing monthly themes or something… just something new to add to the whole feed if anything. My shop can’t grow if I don’t give it something to grow into.

| Don’t be afraid to ask friends for help when the hard days come

I hate when people hear or see me cry. It’s the trauma from exes tbh. I tend to forget that my friends don’t think I’m weak for crying and they wouldn’t gaslight me or make me feel bad for crying on the phone especially if it’s about something that really bothers me. I know my friends love me but sometimes it’s still hard to turn to someone when the days feel dark and heavy. I’m trying to be better about that!

I decided against doing a March recap; there wasn’t much of anything other than depression spells in March. So there’s no reason to go and rehash on that. I’m really hoping April will be much kinder.

What are some of your goals for this month?