Girls don’t cry after break ups (or divorces) anymore; they level into grown shit like going back to school, buying houses, starting businesses and getting their rightful push present of their dream car — a 2023 Acura RDX. That I ain’t gotta pay for.
Cute backstory if anyone cares:
Continue reading “Brain Dump | Gas Break Dip”Today’s my brothers birthday. Today’s my ex husband’s birthday too. Oh and my dog who passed away 10 years ago in October.
August 7th was always this date in my head that just was in bold. I’m the only one in my household who wasn’t born in August. So it’s also always been a busy month.
My mom’s birthday is on the 1st. My dad’s is on the 26th.
My dad’s death anniversary is on the 17th. It’ll be the 4th year without him.
I have a mess of thoughts and emotions when it comes to August and my dad. Then it branches out into my mom. And I just get insanely angry. My dad struggled with cancer for 8 yearrs. It was a slow progression, for sure. By the time I left home he still hadn’t lost his hair, he was doing radiation therapy and he was mostly fine. It wasn’t until a few years later that it started to rapidly get to work. I wasn’t there to see his decline and I guess I should be thankful for that. But I also was completely unaware of how bad it had got. So to me, it feels like he just died over night. Like one day I was Facetiming him with Tums. The next he called me but his words were slurred and a little spacey. I figured it was just because he might had been tired from treatments. And the next… he was gone. Just… gone.
My mom told me there wasn’t going to be a funeral. There was no reason for me to come home. My mom hated my dad my whole life, so you never knew what’s true when it comes to her regarding my dad. And it’s such a one sided strange hate she has for him. It wasn’t until the day OF the funeral her ass sends me a text saying “your dad’s funeral is in a few hours”. I woke up to that text. I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about and I went off. How dare you tell me there was going to be no funeral just to tell me there is? Are you fuckin kidding me?
She took away every single fuckin chance I had to say goodbye to my dad. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
I’ve never forgiven her for it. I don’t think I ever will. That’s a level of resentment towards her I will never forget. I will never try to make right because it’s not right, it’s the most fucked up thing you can do to your child. But hey, do you. Keep playing victim about everything. My dad has never once hit me. Never once yelled at me even. My entire life. I was a daddy’s girl who got away with almost every thing.
When my dad bought his truck he told me to pick a color. I said red. He drove that truck until he couldn’t drive anymore.
Now that I think of it, I don’t think I saw it last time I was home? I don’t even want to ask. So when my baby daddy asked me if I ever got my own car when color would I want it, I said red. So he got me a red Acura RDX (but that’s a story for a different post).
My dad loved my daughter. It was the most emotion I’ve ever really seen from him my entire life. The joy in his voice. How often he’d ask how she was doing, if I could send him pictures of her every day. Where my mom made me feel like I fucked up for getting pregnant, my dad was happy she was here. He spoiled her for as long as he could. He wanted her to be safe. Always. I will always hate he never got to meet her. We were 2 months away when he passed. I’m confident he would had loved Winnie just as much. I wish he was here to tell that Tums likes to sing, she likes Disney like me, she likes playing video games. But I can’t. But I never will get to. And that shit sucks.
In case you’re wondering at any point this month — no I’m not okay.
And to expect me to be is just insane and you should probably just stay out of my way. Thanks.
It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these that I don’t even know what to say.
The last week or two have been a bit of a blur and emotionally draining. I’ve been struggling with my shadows, finding time to actually create content, finding some sort of peace so I can actually think… and my mind still feels like some weird hazy cloud where I’m still trying to figure out what thoughts are mine and not those of others.
I set boundaries this year because I was tired of everyone in my ear trying to tell me what to do, even when it didn’t sit well with my soul. I never get how people can press someone else to make a choice in their life. Like yo, go fix your shit and your life before you try to tell me what to do with mine. Bitch asses. Then they get the audacity to get mad at you for not taking their advice? Ok, controlling much? Back on up. I get I’m the one with a mental illness but some of the people “in my life” act like they’re the troubled ones. Then again without self awareness they might just be.
This week and hell for the rest of the year or my life — I’m going to be extremely selfish with my energy, my time, my boundaries and what I think is best for me. I need to work on stop letting myself feel guilty for resting. I need to remember that if I can’t be at least 80% then I can’t help anyone. My rest and my well being matters too.
What is something you want to work on this week?
How are we already in the 8th month of the year? And while this year has been one of the hardest for me, I’m hoping the -ber months will be much kinder. Key word there is hoping. Life is made up of choices and micro choices and as an adult, the micro choices seem to be kicking me more than the actual choices.
My #onelittleword for this year was boundaries and while I think I’m doing fairly well with it, I feel like I could be doing more. Building “the life you love” is definitely not as easy as the damn quote makes it sound.
I don’t even want to look at my July goals, I know I didn’t achieve any of them. Sun Haven had me and my time. I’m not complaining. I’m ready to do a few guide posts on my gaming blog about it. I’m pretty sure I won’t achieve the things I want in August (or in my life, if we’re being real here) but I do have one huge goal that I won’t be mentioning because I find that mentioning bigger goals, in the life I live now, almost makes it so that it 100% doesn’t happen. I miss being younger. And living in Florida. And feeling like the world was in the palm of my hand. Now I just feel like the girl who rejected the skater boy.
Sorry, I’m usually pretty kawawa af in postpartum. I hate it here.
I’ve had this blog for 5? 6 years now? I don’t even know. All I know is I started this blog after my miscarriage to get away from people who knew about my blog at the time. This was originally suppose to be blog focused on travel, Disney and gaming. And for awhile this was my safe place. Until it wasn’t. And since then I’ve been hesitant to write anything too personal. And that’s a damn shame. I’ve been blogging since 1999 and blogging has really changed since then.
I really miss blogging. And I think about it all the time. I just lack the energy and inspo to write about anything. But if there’s anything I learned about being a content creator for the last 18 years, it’s that if you don’t have inspo, find that shit. It’s there. You just gotta get tf up and look.
On that same note, I’m usually good at keeping my main email accounts to under 100 unread. Since getting pregnant this last time, my main email is at 8k unread. I don’t even… wanna talk about it.
This is probably the one thing I managed to do with my goal from last month. I played both Sun Haven and Coral Island last month. I grabbed a handful of games from the Steam Wholesome event. Have I mentioned I’m in love with my Steam Deck? This thing is the best thing ever.
Does anyone else just casually scrolls through the Demo or the Early Access tab on Steam..? It’s a dangerous place. That’s all I’m saying.
I’m awful at doing reels. I just… I don’t get it! Half the time I don’t even like watching them myself! But as social media changes so does the type of content. I have a few I want to film but filming with your phone when it comes to reels is a bit more of a challenge than just making a full blown YouTube video. How that makes sense, I’m not sure. But I said what I said.
On the personal side of life, a lot is a mess. I mean, it doesn’t have to be. This is where the boundaries thing comes in. Too much crap is taking up my mind space and while I’ve always been like this, I literally don’t have the time or energy. Esp while having to watch and raise 2 little girls. I’m busy, I don’t have time for useless emotions, events, and opinions.
I’ve let go of daily (even weekly) self care. And I regret that I don’t make more time for it anymore. But I really need to make it a priority again. At least light some Sage, shit. Something.
FOR THE LOVE OF WHOEVER YOU WORSHIP. PLEASE.
I got this great gaming desk and it’s not organized or designed the way I wanted it to be. It will never make sense to me how things are magically 2x harder with a toddler. Or how many times I come into the office and find her toys on my desk. Or my snacks raided like a fuckin squirrel has been in here. Literally, I never know what I’ll see when I walk into the office.
I haven’t even started on Fall decorating and it’s August now. I usually start in early July.
I need this to be my clean, organized, aesthetically pleasing space. Like come on man, do better.
May was such a horrible month and I’m still trying to recover from all that happened. I’m doing a lot better but I’m still not feeling like myself, at all just yet. I hate it. I hate postpartum and I hate what happened.
June was a little better, I managed to find favorite things or rather found myself ordering repeat foods. Emotionally though… still not better.
Bubba found these Mahalo Teriyaki 711 Jerky bags and I. AM. HOOKED. Literally, in June I went through like 5 bags of this stuff. Some in sadly one sitting. The downside? These are $10 a bag. But OMFG they’re so good.
In all the years I’ve eaten at Five Guys, I’ve never had their Hot Dogs. If I want a Hot Dog, I’ll take my ass to Costco, ok? Or Ikea. But I was craving and it sounded good so I went for it. Five Guys hot dogs are like… the upscale Costco dog. I got mine with Chili, Cheese and Bacon and I think I’m ruined ya’ll. It’s so good.
I’ve been back on my Salmon Sashimi kick again. I regret nothing. Except for when I forget to add Eel sauce to the order. I recently read a food article about how there’s no actual Eel in Eel sauce… did people think there was? I figured it was just a sauce to compliment the Eel? Idk, I just know that sushi and gyoza dipped in it is next level foodie heaven.
Continue reading “Monthly Favs | June 2023”I recently found myself obsessed with the game Cozy Grove.
It’s been in my backlog for about a year and while I tried it out for a bit, I kind of forgot about it in the midst of Disney Dreamlight and Stardew Valley.
What I thought was going to be a chill cozy game about helping bears on a haunted island move on turned out to be an obsession. I have a habit of completing, collecting and achieving certain goals in games. Basically anything that has to do with gathering or crafting. Not only do you unlock bears once you feed Flamey a certain amount of logs, but you can also catch bugs and fish seasonally. Not just that but there are also Legendary and Mythical.
The yellow critters are legendary and the blue critters are mythical. I’ve been on a rampage trying to collect all the legendary for this season. If I come across a mythical, cool but I’m not banking on them. Of course these are easier to see when the area’s are colored in.
Continue reading “Gaming Thoughts 💭 | Cozy Grove”
It’s definitely been a while since I’ve done one of these; a long while actually.
So much has been happening lately, and I’ve been really overwhelmed with it all. I need a self vacation, wish that was a thing I could actually go do.
Waving Through a Window from Dear Evaen Hansen has been on heavy repeat for me in the last month. I have yet to watch the movie — I’m not a big fan of watching movies though.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting since my incident. Not so much shadow work, just trying to figure things out. Trying to make sense of it all even though I’m sure this is one of those life things with no answers.
This week I want to treat myself with more patience and grace. Speak to myself kinder. And ignore other peoples opinions; I need to do what’s best for me and my healing process.
I miss blogging and creating; I hope giving myself more time to heal will bring me back to the things I miss doing.
How have you been? What is something you’re hoping to achieve this week?
I’m not going to go into the whole backstory of this one, I thought I would but it’s a bit irrelevant and I’m sure no one actually cares. Just know that I was best friends with this guy since we were 14, he stopped me from committing suicide, he was the first guy I ever asked out and he rejected me. We stayed friends after that cause I’m not some butt hurt ass bitch. We had a close friendship through the years and recently he admitted he liked me all these years despite saying no as kids. Excuse me, but that’s a bit hard to believe since you dated and were drawn to all the popular girls (since he was popular) and really didn’t seem to have any romantic interest in me until now? That we’re adults and you can’t seem to get anyone else to date you? Uh, okay, sure. If my gut is telling me that that’s hard to believe, then guess who I’m going to believe.
During my separation from my husband, I started dating this guy and very quickly, I realized a shit ton of things. But we’ll narrow it down to 4 main things.
Sometimes the grass is just… dead. I said what I said. People who flaunt their income like it’s a personality trait are kind of a red flag and though it sounds nice, it usually isn’t. And I learned that no amount of money is worth being treated like trash. I honestly think a part of me was drawn to this because I grew up with my mom throwing money at me over actually showing me love and empathy. I’m use to wanting money over feelings but since becoming a mom, I see how toxic and unhealthy that mindset is.
Money doesn’t make you a better person or a reliable parent. Period.
Just because they protect and care for you as friends, does not mean they’ll always care just as much about you as your partner. Sadly, I hate that I learned this was a thing because it makes me think our whole friendship of 25 years was a lie. Or wasn’t real. And it’s even more disappointing because in my head I thought if I ever ended up with this guy it would be everything I thought it would be; but in reality it was kind of Hell. It was NOTHING like I thought it would be and the way he treated me as his partner was the most fucked up thing… esp after I ended up pregnant, his disrespect was more constant.
Love bombing paired with having a history with someone can really fuck you up. You want to believe that person is capable of giving you what you need emotionally because why wouldn’t they but you realize that not everyone is capable of simple things. Like loyalty or honesty or empathy. And to cover/hide that fact, they love bomb cause that’s probably as much as their emotional gauge can handle at one time.
Love bombing in itself is a toxic trait and it’s hard to see when you’re in it, esp if you’re trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I can’t blame myself for staying as long as I did, despite wanting to leave way before I even got pregnant. Love bombing is def unfair and it’s shitty that someone can do that to someone they claim to “love” and “care about”.
I don’t know why I don’t do this faster since I should be able to be more aware of this feeling… but I just don’t. However, there was a lot that was going on behind my back that I didn’t realize until he stayed with me. And it wasn’t just picking up a phone call from his ex and basically flirting with her for an hour in the other room either. But that def set things off and made me sense other things.
I hope to next time be more aware or have much more solid boundaries. But this was definitely a huge learning lesson and wake up call for me!
A few days ago I woke up with body aches… I thought maybe I was just getting sick. As the day progressed, I kept feeling worse and worse. I could barely eat anything and by the end of the night I threw up. By the time I got Tums to bed, I was pretty dizzy and feeling pretty weird. Thinking I was still just getting sick, I went to bed.
I woke up throwing up… a lot. About 7 times. At that point I realized something wasn’t right and I couldn’t text correctly. I called 911 because I legit felt like I was dying. I was having a hard time breathing, I was sweating like crazy, I felt like I was losing consciousness. I had both the girls with me and my husband was at work. I texted my MIL to come quickly, I think I’m dying. No questions asked, she said she was on her way.
I felt like I was on the phone with 911 for hours but my call log says 24 minutes.
I kept screaming saying “I don’t want to die” and I kept falling over losing consciousness. I then realized what if Tums was dying too? And I went into a whole different type of panic. By the time the medics got here, I wasn’t able to move or walk, I was dizzy. I told Tums she had to open the door and I followed her to the front door where she unlocked and opened it for the medics; she’s 4.
They came in and helped Winnie since she was crying and I got back on the bed. They wrapped me in a blanket and turned on the fan saying my room was really stuffy, but I was freezing. At this point my breathing was a little better, I was able to open my eyes but my vision was blurry and I realized… I couldn’t remember things. I knew my kids were in the room. I knew my MIL was too. But certain questions they asked me, I didn’t know the answers to.
They hooked me up to an IV and got some fluid in me. My MIL got me dressed and they escorted me to the ambulance. There they asked me general questions.. I didn’t know what year it was, what year I was born in, how old I was or who the president was. It was such a weird out of body experience.
I got to the hospital where they put me in a room and hooked me up to more stuff, asked more questions and let me rest a bit while they tried to figure things out. My husband got there shortly after. I told him I was scared, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why can’t I remember things. He went to get some of my stuff and the doctors came in to take blood, samples and run some tests.
The ER staff where I was was amazing. They made me feel comfortable and taken care of.
I finally was able to get an actual room and the staff there were equally as amazing. I love the staff at that hospital. It’s the same hospital I gave birth to Tums in and I had an amazing experience then also.
When I got to my own actual room, besides morning blood tests (which sucked) the only other tests they did were an MRI and a CT scan with that stupid liquid. It felt SO weird. The night nurse who took me though was really sweet and helpful.
The first day I was there they said they saw a high white blood cell count which meant an infection but they didn’t know exactly what kind. So they went with UTI, even though I didn’t have any UTI symptoms. By the last day the doctor came in and told me they found E. Coli in my blood test. I was responding to the antibiotics they were giving me fine so they sent me home with a similar one to take.
I’m 2 days post hospitalization and I’m still on and off dizzy, I have headaches and I feel out of it. The fact it was an E. Coli poisoning is such a scary thought. I couldn’t imagine if this happened to one of my kids. Hopefully I get back to feeling 100% soon. For now, I’m going to lay back down.
Oh, hey blog.
Long time no write.
It’s been crazy over here.
Aria was born 3 weeks early. I had a feeling she would come early… just not that early and surely now how she decided to leave the womb either. It was a smooth delivery, for what it was. Thankfully. Trying to find balance with a newborn and a toddler who is well into her terrible… I don’t even know anymore… is definitely a challenge.
This month I’m going to still try to take it easy and not expect too much of myself — it is my birth month though and Easter! Thankfully this year they’re not on the same day.
I do want to ease into creating again this month and playing some of my gaming backlog.
I’m waiting for my need to create to come back. I feel it inching closer and closer but it’s not 100% here just yet. But when it does come… I def want to be ready! I truly miss blogging and I’m debating on revamping my old blog (that’s on blogger) or just making a new one. There’s something about a fresh new blog/domain that makes me feel like I can turn it into whatever I want.
I’ve been on the hunt for a ton of cozy gamer games and I love that this is now a niche in the gaming community! I mean, I guess we were always here but I’m so glad there’s more other cozy gamers to find on social media and who make content! Makes me feel way less alone. That said, I really want to get back into streaming games, especially since I’m working on my new setup. Slightly regret that everything isn’t white but I’ll make it work somehow.
This goes off that last one kind of. I miss taking product shots and being really happy with them. It’s been such a long while since I’ve actually liked a photo I took. I need to find a better way to display my controllers and where. This new desk I have is an L shaped desk so there’s a lot of space… but making it look put together is another thing. Especially when you have a toddler who wants to take over everything.
I have always had a small product shot corner on my bedroom dresser that is now crowded with drinks I need to throw away, meds from pregnancy and baby stuff. So, I need to do something about that. Also because it’s against the window, I think the lighting has not been the best. In the past it’s always been against the wall to the side of the window. Sigh.
I’ve been slacking — once again — on my reading challenge. Last year was a total fail which is fine; it was a really hard and weird year for me, for sure. I don’t expect myself to had finished 25 books last year, at all. I’m hoping to read 1 or 2 books this month. I cut my reading challenge to 12 books for this year and I’m already 4 months behind lol.
I started reading Gallant by VE Schwab, The Archived by Victoria Schwab and Keeper of Enchanted Rooms by Charlie Holmberg. The first 2 being audiobooks and I still haven’t finished them lol. Oh and I also started listening to Arsenic and Adobo by Mia Manasala cause you know, Filipino reppin over here (plus Asian American month is coming).
My gaming backlog is just as bad my TBR. All over Xbox Game Pass, the Switch, Steam… hell even my tablet cause I just started playing an MMO mobile game I’ve been wanting to play. I need to figure out how to connect a controller to it so I can film gaming content. But this month I want to try one new game from my backlog. And actually play it. I’ve been stuck doing dailies on Disney Dreamlight and Animal Crossing lately. Which I mean.. I don’t even play the games foreal, I literally just do daily shit on them. And it’s not as satisfying as doing dailies on FFXIV, that’s for sure.
Spring is coming, but not fast enough. It’s an nice 90 degree’s here in Texas and I’m a little salty I’m not spending it outside. I can’t wait for Summer to get here! I’m so over these cold waves we’ve been having.
… and the baby is crying. At least I finally finished this post lol.
