Books | My NetGalley TBR

I have fallen off the NetGalley wagon hardcore this year. Okay to be honest, the last few years. I’ve been sitting at 34% feedback rate for way too long and I really need to fix that! I’m hoping to bring that up in the next two months.

Here are 6 titles I’m hoping to get through before the end of October;

There’s been a lot of hype around Belladonna and The Book Eaters. I’m super excited to get into both of these titles the most. I do hear that The Book Eaters is a bit more than just… creatures eating books though. I haven’t heard too much about We Made it All Up but I seem to be drawn to titles with similar themes.

I’ll confess, I haven’t read Harry Potter. It came out when I wasn’t really into fantasy titles, so I always just skipped over it. I do like the movies and I hope to some day read the books. I’m really curious about The Psychology of Harry Potter since there’s so much that goes around about the books. I frequently go down rabbit holes when it comes to casually looking up The Hamilton’s so of course The Scandalous Hamiltons kind of caught my attention! I’m a sucker for all things Peter Pan. I have to many retellings though that made my DNF list. I think the only one I actually finished was Tiger Lily and that was years ago. Hooked looks interesting. It’s always a wonder what these villains did or what their lives could had been like.

I know 6 titles isn’t going to boost my feedback rate by much but hey, it’s a start!

Hello September

It’s iced coffee, cold brew, leggings all day, oversized sweaters and beanie weather.

If you know… you didn’t live in TX or FL.

Is that going to stop me? Hewl nah it’s not. I wait all year for this time of the year!

I’ve been SUPER inconsistent with my blogging and managing my business this year. I’m trying to give myself some grace considering all the other things that happened this year… and it’s a lot. I wish I could write about it cause I could really use some shadow work on some of this shit. But that’s going to have to go somewhere a little more private. I feel like I went from finding a solid potential balance late last year to completely destroying that myself this year. I am thankful however — very thankful — that my soon to be ex husband is understanding in the fact that I really want my time to myself. I never have to explain why I do, he doesn’t question it, he just knows I need it from time to time. So I’m endlessly thankful that he’s trying to make this divorce work in my favor. Possibly more in mine than in his. He’s not a bad person, deep down, we just weren’t right for each other. And that too is okay. Tums is loved by so many people and she has more than one place to call home. That’s all that matters.

We’re in the last quarter of 2022. That’s insane to think about. But it also makes me think what do I want to accomplish in these last few months of 2022.

I don’t really know lolol. I mean I have some goals but like I don’t have some solid plan. I figure I winged this year, I’ll just wing the rest of it. Sometimes the best things happen when you don’t plan them.

Continue reading “Hello September”

Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…

I’m craving a Tootsie Pop… and not even a flavor I typically reach for.

I know I said I wouldn’t do another one of these after the last one, but it seems like life had other plans for my time.

There’s a lot I still can’t say so I don’t know why I’m even writing this since it’s probably going to be pointless and cryptic… I guess to let you guys (who still read this) know I’m still here. Just not… here.

I can’t believe August is already over and Fall is right around the corner. I’m hoping to beat nausea soon so I can enjoy all the Fall snacks. It’s looking like this last part of 2022 isn’t going to fall into the places I had hoped it would… but maybe this is just a sign. I’m taking it as a sign at least and not calling this a loss. It’s just… on back order for lack of better phrase.

Continue reading “Brain Dump | At it again with this ish…”

Monthly Favs | June 2022

Monthly Favs | June 2022

I miss doing these posts and YouTube videos. It’s always nice to look back and see what your favorite things were throughout the year. I don’t think I discovered much “new” stuff in June, but I know I had a lot of favorites. Let’s jump right into it… before I get distracted lol.

Most of the list consists of food but you know what. That’s fine. We’re here for the foodie pics lol.

Red Bull

I definitely ended up kick starting my obsession with energy drinks again. But this time with Red Bull. Energy drinks usually don’t do anything for me but lately these have made me feel like I can do all the things. And it makes me want to do all the things. It’s just drinking it at 3am to game all night is not the move. I’m getting old ya’ll.

Continue reading “Monthly Favs | June 2022”

Brain Dump | Back On This BS

I had every intention to write an actual blog post the next time I updated but for some reason I just couldn’t finish any of the blog posts I’d start. I kept censoring myself because ironically in 2022 I learned the luxury of privacy and I’m actual kind of… enjoying it.

I’ve always been a transparent open book; you can’t start rumors or shit talk me because everything you could possibly say is already written in a blog somewhere publicly for anyone to read. It doesn’t stop people from trying though. But those who know me, at all, know that if it were really worth something listening to *I* would had already said something before anyone else and anything outside of that is a rumor and a lie.

My first ex husband and I had a rule: don’t ask, don’t tell.

We were entitled to our privacy and our choice if there was something we really didn’t feel like talking about right then and there. And for a good decade, it worked out really well for us. It taught me however to avoid the truth. I don’t like to lie, ever. And I don’t lie about anything significant. I use to lie a lot growing up and do you know how draining it is to remember lies? I can’t be bothered now as an adult to remember shit like that so I just don’t lie. Plus, again, I’m an open book. What do you want to know? I’ll be happy to tell you. Own who you are. Own your mistakes. Your demons. Your trauma. Cause if you do, that’s a power no one can take from you.

There are a lot of things happening in my life right now that I can not wait to talk about when I finally can/want to. I’ve been reminded just how solid and how loyal my support system is. I have been reminded how much my family cares about me despite “not being close”. They are loyal. They are hands down ride or die’s and they would, no matter how long time has passed, always have my back with whatever I need. No questions, no judgment and no record keeping.

I’m reminded of how much my bff loves me. He’s always been really compassionate and protective over me. And it’s crazy that twenty two years later he’s still just as protective. Just as willing to do whatever he can to make sure I’m okay and taken care of. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friendship like this, but I am beyond thankful for it. I’m mid key thankful he saved my life as kids lol; sometimes I wonder why I even listened to his pleas to make me put the pills down. To get me to go to church. To convince me to keep holding on. I’m truly lucky to have so many people care so much about me. That distance doesn’t matter, I’m never alone. To have people blow up my phone just to make sure I took my meds, I ate today, I filled orders.

My whole gaming set up has been upgraded. The whole thing. The downside is I’m realizing my PC doesn’t have USB 3.0 so I can’t get my capture card to register. So no Nintendo streams until I fix that. But I have been streaming again and I actually streamed a new demo game that I’m pretty excited about. I do need to figure something out about the lighting in my office cause with the webcam it’s not the best. It kind of annoys me. And I need to find speakers because despite having a gaming monitor, it does not have speakers. Make it make sense. I’m planning a relaunch for my shop in August by my one year anniversary. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year!

I need to start getting to work! Hope you are all doing well!

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck lately. Like in some weird whack ass limbo space and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. It feels like I’m fighting against a current to just do anything remotely productive.

Maybe I’m just supposed to chill. Maybe I’m just supposed to rest. Plan my next move.

But I’m the type to never rest.

I hate taking naps. I hate wasting a whole day doing nothing. I hate waking up late.

I always feel like I should be doing and achieving more. I feel like there’s so much to learn and see to sleep.

Thinking of this weird space as a setback is also messing with my mental health. I’m spending way too much time worried about why and how did I get here. And not enough time focusing on what to do now. Life is going to keep moving forward, with or without you. Life, time, the universe… it doesn’t wait for anyone.

This week I want to focus on taking better care of myself. Eating better. Sleeping better. Planning out my day better. Once I figure that part out, I can figure out the rest. But for now; the first two really need to be a priority.

What’s something you want to focus on this week?

Brain Dump | This Shi Again

I have a forever pimple on my scalp and it’s really making the left side of my head hurt? I don’t know how to explain it. But I should probably stop fuckin with it. A friend told me recently I need to stop cussing so much in my posts cause it makes it lose its integrity. Fuck that. Freedom of speech mf. Keep scrolling if you’re bothered.

My daily routine of Cherry Cokes have no been replaced with mf Red Bull. So over the last 2 weeks I’ve been at an 8 and my poor cousin has had to suffer while my mind is running a mile a second. But I’ve never felt this awake in years so I’m going to bask in the fact that I’m not some weird underlying type of tired. Why did I stay away from these again?

I’m in a weird limbo state in my life — I want to talk about it but I kind of can’t. But then I don’t think I ever want to talk about it either? It’s such a weird thing. It tests my ability to be transparent and I hate that.\

Me: Ahhh! There’s a CRICKET in the grass!
Thiswae: DO YOU SEE THE RED FLAG ITS HOLDING UP MF?!

Gotta love when my brother refuses to let me escape a subject. Mf. There’s a fine line between coming at someone from a place of empathy and love and just being a straight up controlling bitch. It’s a very fine line. But let’s talk about control. Like what’s up with that? LET PEOPLE BE THEM. At the end of the day, they’ll do whatever tf they want. AS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO. Why come into someone’s life just to tell them what to do? Just to mold them into who you want? Go get you a block of clay with that shit.

Jealousy is toxic
Insecurities are toxic

Fite me.

And if you cared about someone you would address this shit and not just go behind their back and not say shit. By all means, do whatever strokes your ego, but don’t be upset when it results in trust being broken. That’s on you. Handle that insecurity or whatever it is before coming to someone. I swear, the older people get, the DUMBER they are. I need to surround myself with people who are TRULY committed to self-improvement, productivity and mf shadow work. I have trauma only works for so long. GET. IT. TOGETHER. Or go find people who are on the same spiritual level as you. Cause the rest of us do not have the patience to do your healing for you.

I think for the rest of May I’m going to work on Marie Condo-ing my entire life. I’ll keep you all updated on how that goes.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It always amazes me how people react to your boundaries. How pressed some people get when you stand strong by them. And it’s always so strange when it happens. Mostly because why does what I allow into my space upset you so much?! The reaction doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it’s just because other people’s boundaries don’t upset me? I don’t know. Everyone has their own preferences, their own ideals and their own perception of things. Isn’t that what free will is?!

Then again I have no desire to control anyone.
Ok maybe I do, but you know, that’s a different story.
But even then, I truly don’t. That’s just me being petty.

It blows my mind how long I went refusing to see my worth. Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? At the end of it all, it was me who refused to see my own worth. It was me who thought I deserved less than what I truly do deserve. And although it was external opinions that got me here, I should had known better. No one knows you better than you know yourself.

I know a lot of my MMM posts tend to revolve around the same ideas/ideals but this is just a realistic look at how often we have to remind ourselves of our worth. Of our progress. Of how often we have to find ways to hold ourselves accountable to remember that we’re worthy of more.

So this week (even if I’m writing/posting this on Thursday, work with me here) I want to remind myself that accepting my worth will mean losing people. But the people I lose are really not a loss at all. And if people can’t respect your boundaries or care about your well being, they’re not worthy of having a spot in your life or in your energy.

Brain Dump | The Steady Struggle

I’ll be honest, nothing too new has been happening. I’ve settled into a sort of comfortable routine. One that makes it so I get my daughter for a week then her dad gets her for a week and on and on and on. It is strange on the weeks she’s not with me. And the week that she is, I feel like they go by way too fast. But she’s settled into our normal routine from before all of this happened.

I’ve jumped back on FFXIV as I’ve mentioned before. I got my Weaver to 90 and I’m still nowhere near Endwalker. My Fisher is about to hit 90 as well. I just really don’t enjoy doing MSQ. I know I should get it done though if I want to experience the new area’s. I heard Cozy Grove got a DLC update and I don’t even know when was the last time I turned my Switch Lite on. I did get CG for the PS5 too so I could stream. But we’ll see. I also picked up a few cute indie games. Still want Kingdom Hearts though and since my PS5 is digital only, I’ll have to re-buy it (I don’t mind digital only honestly — most of my games on my PSN are digital because I move so much. It wouldn’t make sense to have a ton of physical games).

My BFF is house hunting in my area but he hasn’t decided if he likes or dislikes Texas. He wants to invest in buying a house here because compared to California it’s ridiculously cheap and if he’s able to pay it off quickly he can turn it into an Air B&B or rent it out. And with as many people trying to move to TX as there is, it’s a pretty smart move. If you have the money to do it.

Along with that though, I’ve been reminded of things within the Filipino culture I never really paid much attention to. But the more time I witness my BFF and his own parents interaction, the more I’m being reminded of things I lonnnnng forgot about. And it makes me question why Filipino parents — mom’s mostly — are like this? Of course asking my own mom isn’t helpful since she too was guilty of the same thing (and honestly probably still is) so she like to be “unaware” as she’s tried to reason with me about his parents actions. But I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I left home a long time ago and my mom know’s there really isn’t much she can say to make me do what she wants.

That’s the thing about me: at the end of the day I will always do what I want.

It’s my toxic trait. Or not toxic. I don’t think it’s toxic. But the people who don’t like that you have boundaries will say it’s toxic. Well sip sip mf, drink that poison.

I filed for the divorce and holyyyy crap does it suck. Just sending in the papers to the courthouse was close to $500! Like wtf? When I got divorced without kids the last time I didn’t even have to pay anything until AFTER my court hearing. But I had to pay this upfront and there was no way around it?! And this is just the first part! Like wth Texas?! Why is getting divorced with a child 1) so freakin complicated and 2) so expensive?! Like bro, is it not bad enough that I have to battle for custody? WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED?! This is freakin ridiculous! Next time I say I’m getting married, someone just slap me in the back of the head with a 2×4. K? Thanks. There’s also a 61 day waiting period before we can get a court date. So I feel like the next 2 months are going to be some weird Twilight Zone limbo state.

In the mean time I will be re-enrolling into school to finish my BS in Comm and I’ll be applying to remote Comm jobs mostly in my area. I really need to fix my credit and find financial health. Is there somewhere most adults buy it from? Cause some adult things are way beyond me.

Meanwhile my BFF is dropping $200+ on brunch every time he takes me out to eat in Napa.

To be fair, I’m really really proud of him. When we were kids trying to drop out (or you know, I was trying to kill myself) we made a promise. He would come back to Bethel High senior year and he would be sitting right next to me when we graduated high school. That kept me going to finish high school; because we promised. Senior year however, I got kicked out of Bethel and sent to a Continuation High School and Dru managed to go back to Bethel. I went to see him on campus on days I either got out of school early or didn’t go to school. He ended up dropping out before graduation though because honestly Bethel was crap. He ended up getting his GED, I ended up repeating senior year and didn’t graduate high school until 2004 instead of 2003. And we lost touch for awhile. We’ve done and accomplished a lot since high school. He now works as an oil refinery operator and firefighter making six figures, has a crazy high credit score, owns a timeshare in Cancun and an Rx7. Wasn’t the car we talked about as kids that we would get, but at least one of us got their race car.

Proof you don’t have to be ~perfect~ at high school to make it in life. You just have to be determined and driven to be more. High School isn’t for everyone — it def wasn’t it for us — but we’re far from being nothing just because of it. Except you know, we’re still the black sheep of our families. But it’s cool. Who wants to fit in anyway lol.

I wish I had a story to tell that makes me six figures, but I don’t. Not yet. I just started to crawl out of a deep dark depression and I finally feel like I can breathe again. I guess that’s a success story on its own, right? I’m still adjusting to motherhood because every new phase is a new challenge in itself.

I’ll be alright. I always am. I just gotta focus on my goals. And on coming back here to write so Thiswae can stop saying she’s a blogger, kinda, not really, but she is but she not lol. Eff you bro. I know you say it to piss me off and get me to write. And it’s kinda working.

Watch this though.

Gaming; PlayStation 5 & Jumping on FFXIV

After a crap long time of searching, I finally got my hands on a PS5 and I’m so excited!

I called a bunch of Best Buy’s in my city searching for one and my BFF bought me one for my birthday. Well he offered to since he’s trying to get me to get back on FFXIV for some odd reason; so I went searching for one and he literally didn’t even hesitate to get it for me. Along with a purple controller. I’m freaking in love with this console! Everything is so much faster, clearer and runs smoother.

I teleported to Limsa just to see what the lag would be like, there wasn’t any. For the first time ever people weren’t loading in, they were just.. there. It was insane.

There are so many new features to the PS5 that are dope as hell. One being how easy it is to start streaming. Granted, there isn’t a webcam and you’ll need one specific to the PlayStation, but the ease of hitting broadcast and filling out your streaming info is so much easier than it was on the PS4, not just that but it doesn’t lag or get in the way of your game. Taking screenshots is a bit different and there are so many more options including being able to record your game play. But sharing to a profile after taking a screenshot is so much easier and faster! I love it!

Continue reading “Gaming; PlayStation 5 & Jumping on FFXIV”