Brain Dump | Where to even start…

This year has been crazy… and not really in the best kind of way.

Lying about things and keeping secrets isn’t something I do, ever. So it was hard for me to function after a while… the things I was holding in just grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t really talk about it and I couldn’t write about it. Then things personally started getting worse and within that time frame I found and figured out my worth. What I would and would not ever stand for and I found that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, knowing them is something completely different. I would say I feel deceived but perhaps I need to re-evaluate my self toxic trait of being driven by emotion and find a way to be driven more by logic instead.

I filed for divorce earlier this year and that resulted in my 3 year old bouncing between houses. Which she seemed to cope with pretty well, though it started to get to the point where she would ask where her dad was or why wasn’t dad here. She asked me to spend Halloween with them which is fair, it’s my favorite holiday and my (ex) husband wouldn’t say no. The thing about him is that everything that had to do with this divorce was for it to work in my favor. I’m extremely lucky for that.

We separated earlier in the year; a few months later I found myself pregnant despite not really wanting any more kids. It was hard to hide my nausea and even harder to lie to my kid every time she asked if I “had a baby in my belly”. Meanwhile I found myself fighting more and more with the dad of his kid and all of it was just starting to weigh down on me. People close to me were telling me not to tell my husband because he would “for sure take full custody of our daughter” and so that fear stopped me from telling him even though I really wanted to.

I eventually hit a point where I was sick of the fighting and wanted to get away from the situationship I had going on and live my own life without people’s opinions or rules anymore.

So I told my husband; I prepped myself for him to be hurt and disappointed and decided if he was, those were all valid feelings. But instead he asked me “how are you feeling? Do you need anything?” if anyone knows how much of a toll pregnancy takes on me physically and mentally, it’s him. We ended up talking about it for like 2 hours and I had already emotionally felt way better by the end of that call. When he came to get our daughter a few days later, he had brought me Apple Pies from Church’s Chicken… it was something that I hardcore craved in my last pregnancy and for some reason that little gesture me tear up when I got to the kitchen. I didn’t deserve his kindness or thoughtfulness but he was still willing to give it to me.

Since telling him he’s made sure to check on me; ask me how I was feeling, if I needed anything or if I needed help with anything. He also would check in to see if I ate, if I was craving anything and would drop off food — he lives across town by the way. I am beyond thankful for his help.

The day before Halloween we went trick or treating at the zoo, something we’ve done since our daughter was born basically. Right before leaving the house I got into it again with situationship dude and he had made the comment that “I bet that baby (that you’re pregnant with) isn’t even mine”. It ruined my mood and I started crying. At that point I had had enough of his shit and I wasn’t going to subject myself to endure any more of his verbal abuse or manipulation. I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and tried to wait it out to see if he’d improve, but he would dish out empty promises that “he would change”. After that comment my tolerance was spent. I couldn’t deal with conversations like this anymore. I couldn’t endure any more of his words “driven by anger”. That’s not fair. You’re a grown ass adult who’s had a handful of relationships already; if you didn’t take anything from them or learn about yourself in those relationships, it’s not my fault you chose to play the victim despite hurting those before me. Get a damn grip. It’s not my job to teach someone how to love others and I sure as hell wasn’t going to put up with cop out excuses because you don’t want do shadow work and get your shit together.

I told my husband what happened because there was no way I could go downstairs without him knowing I had just been crying. He told me to come down and we were going to have an awesome day. I had so much fun with them and getting candy. It was suppose to be a day for our daughter but her dad also tried to make it a fun day for me too.

This is about as capable as I am right now mentally for an update. I need to sort out my thoughts and feelings before I revisit this because it’s just… a lot. If you got this far, thanks for reading. I hope to jump back into blogging at least for the holidays, I need to get back to doing things that make me feel like me.

Mentally and emotionally I’m in such a better place. I have my husband and my kid here with me to make sure I’m good and taken care of. I’m truly lucky for his forgiveness. And I realize just how lucky I am to have them both. I may not make sense and I may be hard to deal with most of the time, but they both have never stopped loving me or held it against me.

My husband use to do this thing where if we were driving on the freeway he’d roll down the window and shout “I LOVE YOU HAZEL” out the window. Our daughter thought it was funny and wanted to do it too so he rolled down her window and she yells “I LOVE YOU MOMMY FOREVER AND A DAY”. (Her dad use to always tell me “I love you forever and a day” when we were still dating so she learned to say “forever and a day” also) It was the cutest and most heartwarming thing ever. I’m so very thankful for you both.

Leave a Reply