Brain Dump | March

Typically July and December are my depressed months. The months where the most traumatic shit has happened to me and I just am not in a good mood or the best person to be around. And it’s not like I mean to be like that, it’s just those months make me weird. If that makes sense.

Tums birthday is this week and I got NOTHING literally N O T H I N G prepared. I’ve been in a super dark depressed funk all month and I noticed… this happened last year as well. The only birthday I really tried to make memorable for her was her 1st birthday. Even if it was just us. And I remember his family threw her birthday party (which I obviously didn’t go to cause I was no contact with them already at that point); I told her dad I didn’t want to see anything about it. Yet I still did and I remember feeling like shit. I felt like shit cause I wasn’t able to throw my own daughter a proper birthday party. I’m not from here. My family and friends are in California.

I felt like shit because I felt like I fuckin failed as. Filipino mom. There was no pancit. No lechon. All I wanted was to throw her this birthday party like every fuckin Filipino child gets…. and I fuckin couldn’t even do that. And it hurt.

Everyone was telling me that it shouldn’t impact me the way it did. That it’s fine if other people celebrate her. But it wasn’t even that. Ever since before she was even born his mom had a way of making me feel like it wasn’t my pregnancy or my child. I hated being pregnant because I felt like I was just some host to a child they were going to claim. And after losing 2 of my own? Like their disrespect and actions fucked me up.

I honestly didn’t really even notice the connection until I told my friend Casey that I was just in a really dark place earlier this month and how my mom pointed out that I get triggered and depressed every March. And Casey pointed out that perhaps it’s because of what’s happened during Tums birthday’s. How her dad’s family throws her a party knowing I won’t go and they buy her all kinds of gifts. As if her life would be just fuckin fine without her mom.

And so this year was pretty much the same and again, I feel like shit that her birthday is so fuckin close and I didn’t get her balloons like my mom traditionally gets me the week of my birthday. I didn’t get anything for photo ops. I didn’t even get her her birthday crown that I’ve gotten her the last 2 years at least. I’m breaking my own traditions with her because this depression this year just feels so fuckin dark and heavy.

Thankfully I managed to ride it out so I feel a little bit better but not diving back in it when they throw her her damn birthday party again this year is going to be a challenge.

I hate how hard they’ve made motherhood for me, emotionally. I hate that I’m so far from my friends and family and people who KNOW ME and know how to deal with me with love and grace. People who’ve never made me feel bad about who I am or how I react to things. I love the way my kuya deals with my moods — between “oh you’re just on your Aries shit again” or just showering me with affirmations. I’m so lucky to have the friends I have in my life. If I know what being loved feels like, it’s because of them.

Tums just knocked on the bedroom door saying “mommyyyyy I need to talk to youuuu” and I told her “I’m working on something, I’ll be done in a minute, ok?” and she goes “ohhh may goddd” in my mom’s voice. Jesus child. I’m so mad your Lola taught you some annoying shit to use on me lol. She’s been a wreck since learning how to fully talk, I swear lol. I tend to forget how attentive and smart she is. How did I get so lucky to have such a bright and funny child.

6 thoughts on “Brain Dump | March

  1. I’m sorry that you’re going through such a depressing, difficult time, especially this month. This was hard to read…. I kept reading because I kept nodding my head “yes.” I could feel your pain. I could feel the frustration. I could feel the depression. Are we the same person?!

    I have 5-year old daughter who is just like my mother. She’s a total brat – not gonna lie. I’m waiting for the day when it gets easier. We don’t live near family and I don’t throw parties. I’m not the type to throw parties and that’s okay. It’s annoying having to compete with the in-laws and I STILL feel like an outsider or good enough for them. I try to spend as much time away from the in-laws as I can but it’s not always easy. Try not to compare yourself to what other moms are doing. Trust me, I feel like a failure too but it’s worse when I start comparing myself to other ppl. I’m doing my best and that’s okay.

    1. I honestly never imagined motherhood would be this emotionally wrecked for me. I never planned on having kids; then I lost 2 one year after the other. I finally gave birth and of course was hit with PPD. Her dad’s family and her dad were unhelpful because they didn’t think PPD was real for starters.

      I really hate how much all of this has messed me up and I’m also mad it took me YEARS to realize it has! I’ve never thought I was a bad mom, my kid adores me. But the way some “family members” act like they OWN someone else’s child is just sick to me.

      I witnessed my cousin go through it with her first kid and I hated it for her. She’s a lot stronger than I am though lol, that’s for sure.

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