2020 has showed us a lot of things about ourselves, our surroundings, our company we keep and about society. There are a lot of things I still carry around with me that I shouldn’t. That I don’t need to. Pain is hard to cope with. Loss is even harder. I’m the type to cling on to the darkness because the light just means what goes up must come down. And you can’t go down if you’re already there.
But I also need to remember; I’m not some broken teenager with a notebook full of secrets. I’m not that girl who constantly wished for someone to notice her and love her just as she is. I’m not searching for someone to fill a void in my life anymore.
Cause I love myself more than anyone could ever love me. Except maybe my mom and my daughter and my cat. I learned that I don’t need some dude to make me feel my worth because I know my worth. And at times I tend to forget. 2020 made the heavy things even heavier, and I’m tired of carrying it all around with me.
I’m not one to actually fully heal from anything. I kind of just store it away and pull it out from time to time. So I’m not entirely sure I’m capable of healing. But hey, there’s a first time for everything, right?
I have a tendency to ask my friends whenever it seems like they’re stuck at a fork in the road: if this was your life one year from today, would you be happy?
My bro has a habit of throwing the same question at me sometimes: but what do YOU want?
| Feeling Inadequate
I do not understand SEO, like at all. I just don’t get it. And it’s so frustrating. Because of this I feel like I can never make it as a blogger because I can’t even understand SEO! No one knows everything. Everyone has to learn things, that’s literally how life works. So instead of beating myself up for “not knowing” how to do something, I wish I’d cut myself some slack and realize it’s fine, we just gotta LEARN it.
There’s no reason for me to feel inadequate, and it certainly shouldn’t be a reason why I quit before I even start something. That’s what test runs are for!
| Keeping half assed friendships
I pretty much will forgive someone until the end of time. I don’t know why. I just do. The only immediate cut off is if you try to use my mental illness against me or if you’re clearly abusive/toxic. And obviously if I feel like you’re a threat to my peace of my family.
The past month or so has shown me that I’m keeping around a few half assed friendships. Meaning I reach out to people but they NEVER reach out to me. Not to say happy birthday, not to say happy holidays. And even if I do greet them every year with these things, they barely ever even reply back. It shouldn’t bother me but it does feel like I’m dragging along dead weight.
I’m not going to make myself feel obligated to reach out to people who don’t seem to care to reach back out to me.
| Not making enough time for the things I want to do
I have what I called White Rabbit Syndrome where I feel like I’m constantly late or racing against time. It literally takes up so much of my mental space it’s ridic. I don’t get as much done on my to do list as I’d like because I feel like there isn’t time. I’ve thought to block off time to do certain things through my day but the idea makes me anxious/feel like I’m not utilizing my time well. But I end up not doing that anyway.
I want to be better at blocking off time to do the things I want to do without feeling guilty if the rest of my to do list is completed or not. Everyone gets the same 24 hours in a day, I need to learn to use my time a little wiser.
In 2021 I want be more aware of my time.
| The fear of going back to school
I have one year left. ONE DINKY YEAR and I can finally have my BA. It’s been a long almost 11 year process. The fear comes from again not having enough time. I require a lot of silence to concentrate on things like working on certain things and esp on homework. I know that I won’t get the complete silence I need between Bubba making constant noise or Tums doing what toddlers do. There’s basically never a moment of complete silence as soon as Bubba gets home.
The fear comes from knowing this and worrying I’ll fail my classes. If I fail a class that’s 2k I have to pay in order to retake the class. So that stakes are bit high. I need to figure out a way to get this to work.
I absolutely need to finish school; Bubba doesn’t believe in going to college or anything that has to do with college and careers so it’s up to me.
| Not doing something because my OCD freaks out
I always have plans to clean or organize but my OCD tells me things are dirty. Don’t touch this or that. And it does stop me from doing a lot of things.
This one is going to be hard to leave behind. Mostly because anything that deals with my OCD specifically is hard for ME to choose to do since it install’s fears and extra unneeded thoughts to get me to not do what I need to do.
Okay so something is “dirty” but that’s why I change my clothes at the end of the night and shower. So what’s the problem? I really want to start decluttering and going into 2021 without feeling like I’m holding on to so much anymore.
So OCD, you’re gonna have to just be mad.
| Allowing toxic shit and people to live in my thoughts
This one is gonna be SUPER hard to leave in 2020.
I’m still angry and bitter about what my in laws did. Granted the hurt is still fresh so of course I’m going to be. I’m not saying I should forgive them at all (cause I honestly don’t ever see myself doing that); but stop letting it pop up and upset me randomly through out the day. Holding on to that anger at the surface isn’t doing anything but hurting myself.
I can be angry about something and not think about it as often as I do.
Then again it took me 6 years to stop being angry at my ex husband and what he did. So, there’s that.
I have other things that I need to do and think about. Toxic people will always be toxic. There’s nothing anyone can do about that; people only improve themselves if they can admit that they need to. So let people be who they are, their energy and problems are not yours.
| The fear of failure
I know I’m not the only one who deals with this. The fear of failure is REAL. But focusing on the fear of failure is giving the universe mixed signals and blocking my own law of attraction. I get so excited about projects and idea’s and not do them because I’m afraid I’ll fail. How can you LEARN to do something if you DONT fail?
It’s crazy because some things I’ll just jump into without even thinking about failure and other things I’ll put off for so long because I’m afraid it’ll suck. If it doesn’t suck then I can’t learn and if I can’t learn then I can get better.
“Fail better, fail harder.”
| Fear, in general
I lived on my own for so long that I had to get rid of fear. I use to be so scared of vacuuming at night or taking a shower at night if I was home alone. I use to be paranoid about leaving the house if I had to do it by myself. And living alone helped me get rid of all those fears and more. And it was liberating to do so!
Feeling trapped in Texas has allowed a few of those fears to creep back into my mind. I don’t like going to places alone. I don’t like leaving the house even if 711 is literally 30 steps from my door. I still won’t go by myself. And it’s seriously stupid. I need to remember to not fear life and that I don’t need someone with me all the time to be “safe” cause in reality, how safe am I actually? Gotta love OCD and anxiety AMIRITE?!
So I’ve got to start taking the steps to get rid of the fears that I had ALREADY gotten rid of. Doesn’t that suck when that happens?!
I’ve always believed that life and time wait no one (well it’s something my dad always told me; ironically he was afraid to live life); and 2020 has just solidified that belief. No more waiting around, I gotta go back to being that girl who leaped at chances without looking back!
| Shopping to deal with stress
This is a tough one. I thought I had kicked this habit within the last few years but it definitely came back when the pandemic hit. I’m not sure why since my life didn’t change too much, minus having to cancel 4 trips I was really looking forward to — including seeing my friends and family back home in Cali. And my friends in my second home Florida.
Shopping to deal with stress is such a double ended sword: at one point it’s obviously nice to go shopping but also it just creates more clutter then more debt then more feelings of remorse because of the debt and the clutter. So in the end was the satisfaction of buying something really worth it?
There are so many other ways to deal with stress. And while shopping may be the easier way (for me at least) to deal with it, doesn’t make it right. I’m aiming to find another way to deal with stress other than turning straight to shopping.
What are some things you’re hoping to leave in 2020?