Why does it have to be so hard to find a mental health resource?! Since the last update I finally managed to find a psychiatrist (cause those are the ones who give you meds) but not from the list provided to me from my insurance company. I actually had to find one via Psychology Today’s website. Yes, like the magazine. So thank goodness for that but at the same time… what in the actual FUCK?! Why would my insurance company send me on this never ending run around?!
As you can see, the last week on this blog has been pretty quiet. Same with Twitter. I’ve just been struggling with my mental health and with being tired and with awful headaches/migraines. November is always pretty stressful and crammed for me but it’s harder to get these things done with a clingy toddler to watch at the same time. I have due dates for things and I have no idea how I’m going to get them done.
Speaking of; the decrease in my meds has been really messing me up, big time. Since my OBGYN said she couldn’t give me refills anymore for my Zoloft I’ve had to decrease from 150mg to 100mg to prevent going without for as long as I can. But because of this my mental clarity is starting to fog back up, I can’t remember words again, my excitement and inspiration is gone. And I’m just so sad. I feel like I’m on the brink of a sloppy sob fest any fuckin minute now.
I’m honestly so sick of being incapable of doing the things that use to be so simple to me pre-pregnancy.
I had my psych appointment and it went super well. Do I recommend tele-webcam-health? Not really. Connection issues can really mess up the flow of the conversation. I would had much rather had a telephone appt. But I did get the help I needed and I am on the waitlist for an actual therapist as well. So. Progress, yay.
Now it’s just a matter of re-adjusting back to the 150mg. I did read somewhere that someone had an experience where their therapist told them that Zoloft tends to weaken after time if it’s not increased. I’m not exactly sure how true that is since the first round I took in 2014 was for maybe a year? Or less? I don’t really remember.
Speaking of; it’s hit officially one year since I started Zoloft again.
One year since that fuckery with my mother in law bashing me on Facebook started and her telling my BFF to fuck off when she was just trying to explain what I had meant in my mundane ass post (no literally, she told both my friends to “fuck yourself” and was calling them bitches, I know, fuckin embarrassing). Where he grand advice was “she needs to smoke some weed. Either give up your dreams or give up your child, you can’t have both.”
I’m absolutely unsure what year she thinks she’s in but it can’t possibly be 2020 for starters. Like would she say that shit to Beyonce’s face? Just sayin. I would hate for my daughter to believe her life is over after kids. That’s just not fair. My mom did not go through all that trouble and make all those sacrifices to have American children for that stupid ass ideal. And what my MIL says or thinks shouldn’t make me as angry as it does; but it does. Enough that I felt I needed to get back on Zoloft just to cope with being stuck here and in too close of a proximity to them.
Then people wonder why I hate the idea of marriage and in laws and all this crap. I’ve already been through this once and I really really do not have it in me to go through it for another 10 years, again. Which is why in January after his mother and sisters spent 5 hours attacking me because I speak about mental health too much or whatever the fuck else they could come up with (and I had stopped responding way before the first hour btw) I went absolutely no contact. I mean, they’re the ones who told me to block them so, don’t say things to make yourself look hardcore in the moment. Cause I will block you. I will make sure you have absolutely no way of ever reaching me, ever again. I don’t play that narcissist gaslighting shit.
And despite still being angry about what happened, I’m much better now than I was a year ago. I’m learning to deal. The only thing that matters to me right now is my dreams, my mental health and taking care of my family.
Sorry for the rant fest.
The meds adjustment period always make me feel spacey. Like being in an empty purgatory or something. You feel like you’re here but nowhere at the same time. I wouldn’t call it “zombie-ish” like most people assume meds do (seriously, how high of a dose do you think we get to turn us into zombies) but definitely feels like you’re physically not all here. It’s neither good nor bad in my opinion, but if you’re a creator… it’s a serious road block. I should take these days of adjustment to just take a social media break. Stay in bed and read or catch up on TV shows. But for some reason I just can’t. I feel like a day isn’t a day unless I open up WordPress or something.
So bare with me while I re-adjust, again.
If you read this far, thanks for taking the time to read my rambling and for the support. It means a lot.