Word Vomit | Finding a Therapist…. again

Just a brief back story;

About a year ago my mother in law attacked me on Facebook saying I was a bad mom cause I had dreams and mother’s shouldn’t have dreams; she should either give up her dreams or give up her child. This COMPLETELY came as a surprise to me considering she had been so supportive prior to this. I was dealing with trying to cope with postpartum depression and the loss of my dad. My husband spent years stressing that his family will always accept you but once again my gut was screaming “told you so,” for trusting any of that mess. She went on to attack my 2 close friends who were defending me, respectfully by cussing them out. Yes, this grown ass adult woman was opening saying “fuck you” to 20 year old’s who didn’t even dare to cuss at her back. And tbh, that said a lot about my mother in law’s character. I realized A LOT that day.

My depression spiraled beyond me trying to even both controlling it anymore that day. I was just so tired of fighting it. No one cared anyway. Everyone apparently had something shitty to say about “my behavior”. I’m so lucky that the real support system I have, and have had for the last 20+ years are always there when I need them, no matter how near or far. It was the first time I ever let my PPD get away with thoughts of hurting my child. It was the first time I thought if I got rid of her, everyone could just leave me the hell alone.

And that was unfair to her. My child was there for me when I lost my dad. When I didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day and cry. She would squeeze my hand and make me laugh. I’m just so freakin sick of people who refuse to get to know me and have the audacity to drag who I am. And this is why I didn’t want to get married again. I didn’t want to deal with shitty in laws again. I already went through a whole freakin decade of that shit, I refuse to waste any more time with it.

My spiral got really bad and I felt like the little progress I made to heal was just undone in that one day. So I called an OBGYN and requested to be evaluated for Postpartum Depression.

As someone who’s done a ton of mental health evaluations in her life time, it doesn’t get easier. And especially because this was a new place for me. Evaluations for anxiety and OCD? Sure, whatever. Cake. Spilling out the things I thought that I knew weren’t true or real but were too loud and too much? Fuckin. Scary. I had to constantly remind myself they’re here to help me, not judge me.

After being diagnosed with PPD she suggested I take medication along with therapy. Cause once everything came tumbling out even she said that that was a lot of stuff to deal with without help. So I went back to see her every 3 months, then Covid happened and it was strictly just tele-health appts from then on.

Last month I was told she would be unable to refill my medication further and I needed to transfer my treatment to a therapist. The hospital did give me 2 referrals, however they weren’t covered by the insurance I had at the time. So when open enrollment for health insurance opened up last Nov, I spent weeks searching for one I could afford. That changed everything, I spent the last year still trying to find a therapist within the network of the hospital I had been seen at with no luck.

And with Covid still going on, it’s looking like most of the therapist IN my network are all booked for the next 8+ weeks. A few offices did send me other resources in hopes I’ll have a better chance of being seen sooner through them.

The whole thing is just super stressful. And such a reminder of how hard it is to get mental health help in this country.

Back to my search I go!

4 thoughts on “Word Vomit | Finding a Therapist…. again

  1. Oh goodness, I am so sorry honey *hugs* My mother in law is nowhere near that bad, although our relationship is far from great and we had a lot of problems with the rest of her family too. So I completely get you on the whole shitty in-laws thing. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have PPD as I’ve never been pregnant, but as someone who has struggled with mental health all their life and seen my mum and my nan struggle with it, I can only say I’m here if you ever need to talk. I know we’re only just getting to know one another but please do reach out if you need to.

    1. Thank you so much!

      It’s absolutely heartbreaking to realize you’re alone when it comes to something as scary as PPD. I literally couldnt stand the idea of not being able to SEE my daughter. Even when she slept during the day I would do nothing but just stare at her cause I was so scared of SIDS or not being able to help her if something happened.

      Now whenever I cough or sneeze she’s the one checking on me! I am lucky that she’s always seemed aware of my emotions and she always tries to comfort me.

  2. Bless you…and I’ve been in a very similar situation.

    I’ve had to cut contact with my in-laws completely. I had years of unhappiness. Mindfulness helped me through … something I had laughed at until it helped me. Have you tried the Calm app?

    And I’d also recommend coming off social media. My toxic environment was Facebook. I stopped using it 8 years ago and it was the best thing i ever did.

    1. Thank you! I have the app but I’ve never used it… maybe I should start lol.

      As for social media, it’s my job. But I have significantly minimized my time on FB. I did block them from everything — I’m sure they still go looking for me since they still ask my husband about me.

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