I use to have a blog on Xanga called “OCD & Me” and when I was trying to navigate through this insane world that was my new normal; I’d write in there. A lot of it had to do with how my OCD bumped heads with my dad’s. But I wish that blog was still around.
It started when my ex brother in law stepped on the bed I had just took a nap on with his shoes on, not just that but he stepped all over the pillow with his shoes on. My ex brother in law had zero respect for anything or anyone for that matter so this wasn’t like, some off the way action but to witness it on a pillow you just slept on? Yeah, fuckin gross. That was the first night I went home and took a shower before I got in my own bed. And from there it just snowballed.
In 2004 there wasn’t much info on OCD, at all. There wasn’t much my therapist could tell me when I finally got help 2 years later either. The theory was that it could had been caused by a traumatic event; I had just gotten out of a fuckin crazy abusive relationship without actually facing/healing from it because I just didn’t know how so it made sense in a way. Small things started to bother me. The idea that something was “dirty” was becoming stronger and harder to make sense of.
I honestly thought OCD and people who crazy cleaned and saw things were drug addicts so I was so sure I wasn’t going through that. I was a 90’s kid, ok? All that DARE shit had people doing that shit which is really unfair. I spent hours and days researching as much as I could about what was happening to me because I literally had no idea what was going on. I don’t know why I didn’t just ask my mom who was a psych tech nurse. My ex husband (who was my bf at the time) will tell you that “if she had never looked it up it would had never been as bad as it got.” he would tell me that finding the things I did about it “solidified” that it was “a real thing”.
If there’s one solid thing my OCD has done for me it’s show how people really think and feel about you because of something you have zero control over. Which is crazy; people are so understanding about Cancer which can also go unseen but mental illness? Nah, they think that shit isn’t real or serious. I don’t get it but it’s a never ending fuckin pattern in my life.
I’d love to outline all the fucked up shit that has happened to me since 2006 when I was officially diagnosed with mild OCD and anxiety and depression but we’d be here forever if I did that.
So I’ll just you know, cover the worst of it.
When my OCD started it fed my depression. Which fed my OCD. And it drove me fuckin nuts. There were literally times I’d tell them out loud to get it together or one of them to leave cause it was overwhelming sometimes. My therapist suggested I personified my OCD, to separate it from me. And I still do that now. I haven’t named it but I definitely talk about it like it’s a different person. Most of the time I feel like it is. They have thoughts and feelings that I can feel and hear but I know that “this isn’t me”.
In 2006 I finally searched for help. Literally searched because apparently the US doesn’t think that access to mental health resources should be important and my doctor refused to listen to me and give me the recommendation I required to see a therapist. So I had to find a way to do it on my own. After seeing 3 different therapists I settled with the 3rd. He was the only one who asked me if I wanted to take meds and when I said no he left it alone and never again in 8 years brought it up again. I obviously loved seeing my therapist if I stuck with him for 8 years. He was really patient with me and he’d crack jokes. Therapy didn’t help me “get rid of my OCD” but it helped me learn ways to manage it and gave me a better understanding of why what was happening was happening.
I will never understand why dudes will be so willing and almost so impatient to marry someone when something like OCD/anxiety bothers them. In the 12 years me and my ex husband were together and grown together it ultimately ended because he decided to hang out with a girl co-worker saying “she makes me feel normal and not like I have OCD.” to be fair, we were two people with very different darkness and demons and when your demons clash? It just doesn’t work. But he always held my OCD over me. I’ll never get why he even decided to marry me if that was the case.
The breaking point came when that ex brother in law I mentioned earlier’s wife wrote this public post on FB telling the whole family I was crazy and to not speak to me anymore. That I use my anxiety to “trap” my ex husband when I was the one who handed him the divorce papers. So clearly homegirl needed to check her facts cause she didn’t know shit. But seeing someone WHO DIDN’T KNOW ME attack and threaten me using my anxiety to do it? Yeah, that was it. That was the deciding factor to divorce for both of us. I was tired of abuse from his family and he was tired of the fact his family didn’t like me. Homegirl went above and beyond with her claim even after my ex husband called to tell her to stop. Last I heard when he saw her again she blamed him for “all the stress he caused”.
Very recently my current in laws did the same. Was I surprised? I guess not, they didn’t seem to understand mental health at all and are the type to “brush it off”. Was I hurt? Fuck yes, probably even more than the first time. It sucks to trust people and to have them use something like your mental health against you. My sister in law actually said I was full of shit and my OCD was “bullshit” and she works in mental health. But I’m just over it. If “family” can’t be supportive 100% or do some fucked up shit like use your mental health against you, they can exit fuckin stage left. I don’t need that crap.
My recent ex boyfriend pretended to understand until he moved in with me. Then he started calling my OCD “childish” and that I needed to “grow up and get over it already”. Come to find he’d tell everyone his mom was bi-polar when she just has anxiety. And she’s the sweetest SO’s mom I’ve ever had. It took me forever to break up with my ex because I’d miss his mom and his sister so much and I do. But again, when someone uses your mental illness as a way to belittle or insult you, they get the auto boot out of my life. Because if you can’t understand or respect something that makes up so much of me, then you won’t ever understand or respect me.
My OCD “isn’t me” but it is a huge part of who I am. It takes up a huge part of my thinking process throughout every single day of my life. Trying to stay away from triggers and avoid anxiety attacks is something I think about literally every single second I’m awake of every single day. And that in itself is tiring. Mentally and emotionally.
I never wanted to be a mom because you can’t control a baby. Then they start walking and crawling and touching everything. It just seemed like too much work. And some days it is. Some days are worst OCD days than others. And other days like this week she will watch me clean and copy me. She actually put her toys exactly where they were suppose to go. And it reminds me that other people won’t understand me or why I do what I do; but my daughter? She accepts and loves me exactly as I am. She knows I don’t like messes and she knows that I don’t like her touching the wall and every time she does she holds out her hand so I can wipe it down. And she just thinks it is what it is. This is just how mommy is. And I will forever appreciate these moments when I feel like she understands and doesn’t ask questions. She still makes her messes and touches everything but in the moments where she understands, is more than I could had ever imagined.
I always say that my OCD has been a blessing in disguise. It’s helped me weed out people who were toxic in my life. It’s showed me who people really are. It’s taught me a lot about myself. It’s forced me to look deeper when I have moments where I self reflect. It’s introduced me to meditation and yoga.
It’s of course brought on stress. Moments of feeling like I’m a burden to people. Moments where I felt I was never going to get better and I should just kill myself because who would want to be around someone like me. But these are all thoughts and feelings that OTHER PEOPLE projected on me. I honestly don’t mind my OCD. I like cleaning. I like things being organized. I always have. I love trying to find holistic ways that help. I love myself the way I am, it’s just when other people try to project their own bitterness about themselves that they feel the need to attack someone else that bothers me. My opinion of myself should be so solid that no one can touch me, but that’s where anxiety kicks in and tells me they’re right. When I KNOW they’re not.
Having OCD is like having a constant friend you love to hate. But in your head. And that never goes home. And at times I didn’t want my OCD to go away cause if it did, what would I have? Who would I be? It is like having a constant something that’s always with you. I know that sounds crazy but sometimes that’s just how it feels.
The journey of me and OCD is always shifting, always changing. And I’ll try to speak about it more here since that is why I started this blog after all.
I’m just paranoid that my in laws are still searching my stuff despite me cutting them off. I shouldn’t care, it’s my blog and my life and I can talk about whatever I want but something about people lurking and never even showing interest in what you’re talking about when you were okay with them, but turn around and shit talk you behind your back is just… weird. And creepy. Thank goodness my family talks shit to my face as much as I hate it. I’d hate it more if it was behind my back for sure.
I never know how to end these entries lol.