Mental Health — 2 Years Ago

I created this blog as a place where I could be as open and as transparent as I wanted about whatever I wanted to talk about — with that said there are a lot of things in the last 3 years I haven’t really expressed, shared or talked about because I just wasn’t in a place where I could and isn’t that strange? To have to suffer in silence for that many years?

Two years ago I was living with my boyfriend at the time who I had been dating for about a year and a half. We didn’t have a good relationship. We barely got along. I had been trying to break up with his since Easter after he had put his hands on me and slammed me on the couch with his hands around my throat screaming in my face.

Despite the many attempts I had tried to break up with him and kick him out, he just wasn’t listening. He’d start an argument with me and get more angry than me to appear threatening to get me to stop or shut up. We literally never resolved any problems we had — and we had A LOT.

On Memorial Day weekend his mom took us out for lunch and at the time I thought I had just been hit with really bad motion sickness. When we began dating I had been forced to stop taking anti anxiety meds cold turkey and since then my motion sickness had gone wayyy up so I figured it was just one of those moments.

Over a week it had stayed consistent along with dizziness. I couldn’t stomach very much food and even playing FFXIV would trigger my motion sickness.

After a week of still feeling sick, I started thinking about how really weird it all was. My boyfriend at the time joked that I might be pregnant which I honestly thought was impossible because well you’d have to have sex for that to happen and we barely ever had sex. Literally we only had sex ever 8-10 weeks. For like 3 minutes. It got so bad I use to beg for sex and he’d just get angry at me… then again he was always angry at me.

So one day I went to get a pregnancy test just to prove he was stupid.

Turns out for the only time ever in our relationship he was right.

I had checked the test first and I didn’t say anything, I just told him to go look at it.

When he came out of the bathroom, he had his phone in his hand and the first thing he said was “we need to find an abortion clinic.” He didn’t even look at me. He didn’t ask me how I felt or what I wanted to do.

I don’t think I have ever lost respect for someone as fast as I did that day. Well, the little respect I had for him anyway.

The rest of the day he didn’t even want to talk about it. All he kept saying was, “no we need to find an abortion clinic.” And he spent the rest of the day and night forwarding me ones he’d find on Google.

I was pregnant for a total of 7 weeks. And as the weeks went on, the more sick I got. I would literally get up just to lay back down on the floor. I couldn’t eat anything. Literally. Everything made me throw up, immediately. Everything tasted disgusting. Even verbally talking for over half an hour would make me nauseous. No matter what I did or tried, nothing helped ease it! I was throwing up 5+ times A DAY. Not to mention that the dizziness was still there.

It was hard to sleep because my stomach would ache and it was just all around uncomfortable. Then I’d need to throw up. Sleeping was probably the worst time of day for me.

Despite this, out of curiosity, every week I would track its growth. I would tell my boyfriend at the time and he would say the same thing, “it doesn’t matter, we have to get rid of it.” I remember it hit like 5 or 6 weeks and I told him I can’t do this, I can’t live with the guilt if we do this. And he yelled at me to stop acting childish. Then threw in my face, “you already made the appointment, you can’t back out now.” and I argued that I could always cancel it and he got pissed at me saying you better not. Through out the entire time if I asked him to PICK UP food for me in the random times I was craving he’d take HOURS to do it. He wasn’t even paying for the food, he just had to PICK THE SHIT UP. The one time he FORCED me to go with him, I threw up all over the parking lot from the motion sickness of being in the car. It was literally that bad and all he’d do is tell me to suck it up. And stop being lazy. His aunt didn’t have morning sickness so mine couldn’t be that bad.

He also would trash the entire living room then say it wasn’t his mess. Even though I had been sick in the room for weeks. The few times I managed to get up to go to the kitchen there was dishes everywhere. Trash and wrappers everywhere. And he was sitting at his stupid computer running FFXIV and watching Pokemon on his phone, ALL DAMN DAY. If I asked him to get me something he’d yell at me that he was busy and he doesn’t have time for my shit. He literally never cleaned the entire time we lived together. He didn’t even pay rent or bills or for food, ever.

It was a fuckin nightmare.

~*~

I took a couple of days away from writing this just because it got too emotionally tiring for me.

I also couldn’t find the photo I had snapped of my ultrasound.

The week of the abortion was fuckin stupid; no matter how much I cried and fought and said I didn’t want to go, that I couldn’t do this, he’d just try to out anger me and tell me over and over we just have to get this done he wouldn’t give me any reason as to why. He never talked about things so if I asked why he’d just get mad at me to get me to drop the subject (ladies, if this isn’t a red fuckin flag I don’t know what is).

The day of my appointment he had to watch his sister that morning. Again, he never told his family so no one knew I was pregnant or that he was forcing me to get an abortion. He actually asked me if I could watch his sister that morning at like 6 fuckin am knowing that I was too sick to even get out of bed to get food. But whatever, as long as people do what he says/asks, right? Cause he was really that fuckin dense and selfish. When I had went off and said no he got angry and so she went to his grandparent’s house. Why he decided to go after work KNOWING I had an appointment HE MADE ME SET is beyond me. Seriously.

So he comes and gets me, literally an hour before my appointment and not to mention it takes about and hour to get there. I kept reminding him that we were going to be late and he kept saying it would be fine. He, for some reason, takes the long way there where there’s a shit ton of stop signs and rail road tracks and I’m so damn sick at this point I just want to punch him in the head. He not once asked how I was feeling or if I was okay either.

Once I got checked in and paid the fuckin $550 he said he’d cover but of course didn’t (just like how my phone was off that entire week cause he didn’t want to pay the phone bill. Heaven forbid something awful had happened to me) I was told to sit in the waiting room. They eventually called me back to take an ultrasound to see if I was indeed pregnant and my ex wasn’t allowed back there this entire process. Which to be honest, was so helpful and it made me feel better. They do ask you about a million times if you’re sure you want to have an abortion and if someone is forcing you to get one.

I think me asking for a copy of the ultrasound was the tip off that I was being forced to be there. But she saved the image for me.

When I went back to the waiting room after the ultrasound I broke down crying saying I wanted to go home. I didn’t want to be here. The baby was there, and alive, and living. And at first my ex was like “you wanna go home? Okay, we can go home.” then literally 2 seconds later he turns around and says I need to suck it up and just get it over with. He started throwing that I had planned to move back to CA in the next year randomly and that he wasn’t going to go, he wanted to stay in FL. Which I thought was a really really odd thing to bring up right then and there.

They called me back and forth several times and asked me again and again if I was sure. If someone was forcing me.

I wish I could had said yes but if I did what would happen? My ex, no matter how many times I tried to break up with or kick him out would not leave my apartment. If I had said yes, and knowing he lives with me, what would had happened? I wish I had an answer for this, I wish they would be more specific about the question. It’s such a scary place to be in when something this extreme is happening and you feel so helpless and scared. I was an hour away from anyone I knew. I didn’t know anyone in Lake Mary besides my exes family. I had no one to go to. I was literally alone.

It was seriously terrifying.

And some days I can’t believe I was put in that situation.

Or that someone can claim to care about you could put you through something like that.

The final time they took me back I met with a doctor who gave me a pill that would stop the baby’s growth. He asked me about 5 times (no joke) if I was sure. He then gave me instructions on what to do the following day.

That night at about 2am Nick got on the Xbox with his friends where he’s usually loud as hell and he’ll stay up to about 7am just playing with them and being loud. I had about had it with him at that point and went out there and told him to shut the fuck up and let me sleep since he was forcing me to get an abortion. He replied with, “you shut the fuck up and stop being childish. You didn’t want the kid anyway.” I was so pissed off I about almost broke the TV, his stupid headset and his stupid Xbox. Then started screaming that he “does everything for me” when 1) I don’t ask for shit and 2) he doesn’t bring shit to the table. Like I said; he doesn’t pay bills or food or rent. He doesn’t even pay for his own gas. He didn’t pay for the abortion or any of the medication and he didn’t even bother to pay the phone bill.

I went to bed and cried until I fell asleep.

The next morning I was angry. Angry because I couldn’t feel the baby anymore. It was dead. I felt it die. And I was pissed. He had the nerve to ask me what my problem was to which I screamed “MY BABY IS DEAD I FEEL IT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WHAT IS MY PROBLEM.” and he replied with “we can always try again.” and I was like “WHY THE FUCK DID THIS ONE HAVE TO DIE.” and he replied with “Because you still have drugs in your system.” I pointed out that Zoloft is only in your system for 72 hours and at that point it had been a year since he forced me to stop taking them to which he was tired of the conversation and told me to drop the attitude and stop being rude.

Can you imagine the audacity of someone like that? I still to this day believe I had every single right to be as pissed off as I wanted to be.

And since that day fell on Father’s Day and since no one knew I was pregnant, just that I was “sick with food poisoning” his mom picked him up to go to his grandparent’s house to “spend Father’s Day with them”.

Which tbh I didn’t care. I would had rather been alone in a quiet apartment by myself and get this over with then have to hear his stupid comments and remarks and hear him on the fuckin headset all damn day.

I made sure to take my bath and be in bed and locked the bedroom door before he came home. I didn’t want to deal with anything or answer any of his stupid questions.

The pain killers they gave me worked amazingly well and I didn’t feel any pain or anything. There was one point where I felt like I had a migraine, I felt like throwing up and pooping at the same time. Like it was an intense combination of pain and as soon as the baby had dropped everything instantly went away. The pouch was so small it was hard to know it was even a pouch, the only indication that it was my baby was as I was staring at it I felt an insane wave of sadness and I felt really really empty. I didn’t have the energy to be angry, I just wanted to sleep. Forever.

The weeks that followed I did nothing but play FFXIV. I drowned myself in it. I kept my headset on and blasted music. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be around him anymore. And I was stuck. So I dove into making to do lists on FFXIV to escape from reality for awhile.

And the pregnancy opened my eyes REAL QUICK to Nick’s fuckery, laziness and lies. I’d like to think that despite the shit ass experience it was the reality slap I needed. To get as far away as possible.

Two months later I moved back to Orlando when my lease was up to which he refused to ever stay there. He kept finding excuse to go back to Lake Mary which I never stopped him. By that point we were less than acquaintances just around each other. Not long after the abortion I began ignoring him majority of the time and spoke to him as little as possible. I had already forced him to sleep in the living room by the time I figured out I was pregnant since sleeping was hard and I needed the whole bed. Even though he told people HE decided to sleep in the living room because he was “done with me”. Oh and that we broke up in April even though the pregnancy happened in May and ended in June but whatever.

He was seriously a dick. You don’t go into someone’s purse for ANY REASON without their permission. If I didn’t want to give you the gate opener then I didn’t, deal with it. And just because he wasn’t being hand fed shit he wanted he believed he was entitled to be disrespectful towards me.

In August he had the nerve to ask me about what I was doing despite him not paying rent AGAIN.

His reasons for why the abortion “HAD to happen” kept changing. Then he’d throw the fact that I never wanted kids anyway in my face. I’m sure your mom wasn’t expecting you at the age of 17 but hey here we are so I don’t really understand that logic.

Not to mention that how is it his right to say what I get to do with MY body?

Again his logic of “you didn’t want kids anyway” without even JUST ONCE asking me what I wanted that ENTIRE pregnancy doesn’t make any fuckin sense. And even when I voiced what I wanted, he completely would shut me down about anything I had to say. About any protest I tried to make.

How does someone like that function? Sleep at night? THINK THIS SHIT IS FUCKIN OKAY?! Like seriously; my mind is blown at his thought process and the CLEARLY inability to feel compassion or regret.

This is a memory. A pain. An anger. A regret. I will carry around with me my whole life. And how nice it must be for him, to not carry any responsibility about any of it. How nice it must be for him to live his life without any consequence. To still walk around and talk bad about me after what he did.

It’s seriously mind boggling.

~*~

At least I can say that now, two years later, I’m away from him and away from that. I’m in a different state where no one who knew me then can find me. I threw away/got rid of most of my stuff from when I lived in Lake Mary and majority of the things I own now are not only MINE but new.

It just sucks that every time June comes around… I feel like there’s a rain cloud over my head.